#2780545 - 03/04/18 10:52 AM 2nd Round MLC ? Dejavue? ruhappy Online New Member
Registered: 03/03/18 Posts: 6
2014 H came home drunk text appeared on his phone while he was passed out. Discovered PA. I shattered to the core. Lost a lot of my hair my job and realized I loved this man more then myself and had work to do. He couldn’t take seeing me so sick so he moved out. 4 months went by and he agreed to counseling. We went for approx 4 months then he moved back on then no more counseling.
2016 Things seemed good again overall however approx every few months he would go off the grid and come home completely drunk. He worked in NY plus traced a lot due to work.
Fall of 2016 H diagnosed with prostate cancer. December 30th sx. April 2017 H corporate buy out. Next 6 months helped me with my work and we went on some really nice trips, and invested in a class b motor home by October 2017. Plus celebrates our 30th anniversary in Niagara falls. Then end of October came home so inebriated he got aggressive physically so 25 D called police on him so cop took him to sleep off. Found out he resumed a EA with previous W.Next day he agreed to get counseling for himself and said the EM was not going on just a sick curiosity of what she was doing.
November offered a new executive job in Florida. As a family we didn’t think it was a good decision to take but he accepted anyway.
January we decided we needed to get an apartment or but a condo down in Florida. Flew down picked out furniture and house good with him. However he got lease in his name only refused to give me a key and by February he said he is happier living by himself and wants to be alone.
February 13th I fell on black ice fractured my R arm and herniated disc in my back. He came home until my sister was able to come help from out of state then he said he no longer loves me and wants a separation and left. My health got worse and I have lost 30lbs in past 3 weeks as nothing is staying inside me.
Doing my best to make sure I am following up with dr. For now he is paying the bills however since November he has paid 35,000 on credit cards which is so out of character of him and when asked about it and expressed concern H gets defensive and gaslights saying things like I am not a drunk womanizer.
Financially I am concerned because at this rate of spending our savings account will be drained within 6 months. How do I handle that situation if he gets angry when I want to discuss finances? In the meantime I am not calling texting or emailing and he is 6 states away so I have no idea what is going on but trying to work on my health and well being.
He does email me approx 2 times a week and I try to just be respectful and courteous as I have no idea why he is contacting me if he wants to be left alone and live alone.
H last email was to say hope you are well and I want you to know it’s okay to speak over the phone if I want too and that he doesn’t want me to think I can’t then he says you say hope your okay well I’m not always but I try.
I have no idea what to say or how to respond anymore as HE left me all while I am physically not well and emotionally sad this is happening again. He knows I love him he knows I care he knows I would love to have a healthy adventurous life with him however it’s not what he is saying he wants so why would he think I would want to talk about anything or share anything if he doesn’t want a life with me now?
I have heard him say that I am controlling, nagging, wanting him to fail and feel guilty. His perception of the past and me seems twisted so how am I to resolve as this is not the person I normally know.
I have ordered the DB book, watching Michelle’s videos and trying to understand where I went wrong, how to cope, and what steps I need to do in order to not shatter again all while not giving up on my marriage.
H 50 M 52 D 25 SIL 25 Married 1987 D Day 1st 11/24/2014 Separate 4 month 2015 D Day 2nd 2/13/2018 Separated 2/24/2018
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Last edited by job; 03/07/1802:19 AM. Reason: added space between paragraphs
Welcome to the MLC Forum. I am pasting in Cadet's Welcome thread w/lots of homework, so read and ask questions as they come along.
Welcome to the MLC Forum. You will meet people who are at various stages of dealing w/the fallout of their spouses being MIA. I am going to post below, Cadet's Welcome Posting. Please read the links and then come back and ask questions, if you should have any.
Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read.
This POST is under reconstruction and we will be working on this as time goes by, this is the most current version.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.
I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him/her. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. Something to DO while you are on moderation. GAL. Eat, sleep, exercise and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first.
Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your H/W has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon _________________________ Me-63, D30,S29
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I'm guessing here but it looks to me like this is the same MLC returned from 2013. MLC in men takes 5 - 7 years to complete and maybe longer. He was gone for only 4 months in 2013. Rarely do such returns last before they have to get back to resolving those hidden issues deep inside.
I'm sorry to hear about your health issues and hope you recover soon. The MLCer really doesn't have much compassion while deep in the crisis. It's unfortunately just part of the condition.
Finances - it would be critical to lock the finances down so he can't spend your savings too. Not easy to do though unless you see a lawyer for a separation agreement.
I know first hand how devastating it is to be here-
I would definitely get legal help to figure out how to protect yourself
I also noticed my XH spending and racking up debt.. I called credit card company and took my name off all cards.. MY XH was typically careful with money until MLC.. then He spent and spent..very our of character but he also had a young OW who encouraged his spending and they gambled as well because I was not on the credit cards, I was not held liable for his debt and the credit companies called my home and office looking for him for years-finally they stopped
I also took 1/2 of the savings out.. took everything that was mine and took his name off all I legally could- legal advice is imperative here to save yourself from losing it all- once they have exhausted the funds there is no way to get them back- this is a common theme in MLC land
hang in-you will find your way
sometimes it is a tough call to create limitsand take care of us first- because the MLCer will get angry- but to not is to risk losing all we have worked so hard for- and Ive seen that happen for those who do not act-
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Welcome. I am sorry for what you are going through. Here you will find many knowledgeable and compassionate people who know what you are experiencing.
Adios and peacetoday are correct you need to figure out how to be financially stable. You have already seen how quickly your H is draining your savings. Seek legal advice and go from there. It most likely won’t be pleasant or friendly, but it needs to be done.
You have probably read and experienced how the MLCr becomes opposite of the person you once knew. Your H says you’re controlling, nagging, and wanting him to fail. He is rewriting history. All typical behaviour, and I’m pretty sure, it is quite the opposite of the man you know. He is just trying to justify his behaviour. When my W left she blamed me for the furnace vent blowing on her and making her cold lol.
I am glad you ordered the DB book it is very helpful.
Post often, ask questions, we are here and we understand what your going through.
How is your arm and back?
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Thank you Adios, I did not realize that MLC last 5-7 years or longer and at the time when we reconciled in past we were in MC so I trusted the counselor and hindsight should have continued going even if he wasn’t going any ire
It's true that a crisis can last quite a while and some do not come out of it and become "old" teenagers who are stuck. Some may come out healthy and whole, others may exit with a few MLC traits that can either be good or bad...but no one knows how a crisis will play out for him. Each crisis is unique, just as the person is unique and their childhoods play into their crisis because they were emotionally stunted a long time ago.
I do hope that your health will improve and your doctors can find a way to help you. Keep the focus on you as much as possible. Stress plays a role in our health as well and it's important to get rid of that stress either being yelling, beating the stuffing out of a pillow or something doing something physical.
Please take care of yourself.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
First, you need to pick a day, i.e., Monday or Tuesday and then say "thanks for letting me know. Let's talk Monday". You don't need to over think your response on this one.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
