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#2780750 03/06/18 07:35 AM
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M:52 W:49
D:26 S:24 S:23 D:20
ILYBNILWY 5/28/17
Still living together
W filed 1/5/18
W moved out 8/24/18
D final 9/18/20
bhappy2 #2780754 03/06/18 07:43 AM
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Updating:

I have been truly detaching and DB for the last 3 weeks and I feel great. I was doing it all wrong thinking that I should still be nice to the W but I realize now that its just not going to work. She has temp checked me 3 times and all 3 times I politely said OK and moved on.

GAL:

Joined a running club, love this as I get discounts on races and I can voluteer to work races then get entry for free.

Joined a social club and I will be inducted in April, they have activities every single weekend and sometimes during the week. Also have a private bar where memeber can go whenever they want, very friendly atmosphere.

RE-joined my dart team we play once a week and I finally took off a day from work to play. This has really helped me as I now only work 5 days a week.

Nothing new between W and me as far as Lawyer talk, she was told that our MH has to be sold and all of a sudden her L stopped returning calls. She filed on Jan.12th, lawyers consulted each other on jan.21st went oer all finacials and now we are at a stand still.

I am in a much better place mentally and I look forward to the next chapeter of my life.


M:52 W:49
D:26 S:24 S:23 D:20
ILYBNILWY 5/28/17
Still living together
W filed 1/5/18
W moved out 8/24/18
D final 9/18/20
bhappy2 #2780763 03/06/18 08:47 AM
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Originally Posted By: bhappy2
I was doing it all wrong thinking that I should still be nice to the W but I realize now that its just not going to work. She has temp checked me 3 times and all 3 times I politely said OK and moved on.


BH,

It sounds like you are in a pretty good place emotionally.

I am confused by the first sentence. Do you feel now you can be mean?

Also, how did she temp check you?

LH19 #2780785 03/06/18 10:36 AM
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LH, no not mean at all... just not being nice like as in cordial. If I am going to the store I would ask do you need anything, now I do not ask. If I was leaving the house I would always say bye, see you later, nope not anymore.

Temp check: I walk in the door and she says I swiped your soup. I said ok and kept on doing what I was doing no further conversation needed. I had bought chinese food for me and the kids while she was at work and when she came home she took the soup. I did not need to know why or for what reason.

Temp check: S22 lost his car keys she asked can you keep an eye out for them...Ok and kept on moving. I do not even want to talk to her anymore. She already knew that I was looking for his keys because she heard him telling me about it.

I refuse to be mean to her, thats not how I was before BD and I do not want to be after. I just found out she cashed in her 401K after she consulted her attorney, this is a big problem for her right now. Also she let S21 health insurance lapse... this is also a problem.

The fact of the matter is my W is completely out of her mind and her life is really in shambles. This is not my mess to fix anymore.


M:52 W:49
D:26 S:24 S:23 D:20
ILYBNILWY 5/28/17
Still living together
W filed 1/5/18
W moved out 8/24/18
D final 9/18/20
bhappy2 #2780787 03/06/18 10:41 AM
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Bh,

I don't think there is anything wrong with being cordial at this time. You do not want to burn any bridges.

I really don't think those instances are temp checks.

Your GAL sounds really good keep it up. Who knows what the future holds.

LH19 #2780792 03/06/18 11:01 AM
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LH thank you for your feedback.


M:52 W:49
D:26 S:24 S:23 D:20
ILYBNILWY 5/28/17
Still living together
W filed 1/5/18
W moved out 8/24/18
D final 9/18/20
bhappy2 #2781049 03/08/18 08:44 AM
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Ok so i need some advice, W's birthday is coming up and we have not spoken in 3 weeks. Do I get her a card? present? not sure what to do.

Updating Lawyer sitch: Last contact between lawyers was Feb. 5th my lawyer has reached out several times to discuss financials. W's lawyer is not returning emails or phone calls since my W was told the MH has to be sold. Also W was told that she will be caring for the dog as I do not want to get an appartment with the dog. Also told that she will have to provide me with medical insurance b/c she pays for that now. Another sitch has arose and that is she withdrew har 401K after she consulted her lawyer, this is not good for her and took out a personal loan which she still has yet to diclose the amount.

I am not mind reading here but I believe that the fantasy to be able to move out and start to hang out with this younger crowd and have me pay for it is crumbling.

W has been laying on the couch all day and night I believe that she may be depressed.

I am sticking to DB all the time now and I will not waiver at all. Following Sandi's rules has really helped me.

I am off to the gym, them getting dinner with my two S's then work.
I am picking D19 up from college tomorrow and we will find some fun stuff to do this week. Good things are happening!


M:52 W:49
D:26 S:24 S:23 D:20
ILYBNILWY 5/28/17
Still living together
W filed 1/5/18
W moved out 8/24/18
D final 9/18/20
bhappy2 #2781058 03/08/18 09:33 AM
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Text her Happy birthday. That is all I would do.


M(53), W(54),D(19)
M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
SteveLW #2781646 03/13/18 09:21 AM
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updating:

GAL: running has increased and I am now running a steady 6 days a week. As previouly stated joined a running club.

I was accepted into social club and will be inducted in April.

Re-joined my dart team and we play every Tuesday night. This has been the best move I have made so far.

As far as the D, everything has gone to a snails pace, W's Lawyer will not return calls and has not spoken to my lawyer since feb 5th. At this point I want the D to proceed and this delay is making matters worse.

I did set a boundry yesterday and I did it calm and cool, I asked W to stop direspecting me in front of our children and their boy/girl friends. She was asking me a question and then would ignore me and turn her back on me. I stated that I will be calling her out on this in front of the kids if it continues. She claims she didnt realize what she was doing, so I said now we are clear.

I sent out an email to W's family yesterday telling them what is going on that W filed for D and everything is in Lawyers hands. I asked that they tell MIL gently. I got back the usual response, sorry to hear is there anything we can do? I said thank you but no, this is W's decision... I just want them to know why I will not be at family functions.


M:52 W:49
D:26 S:24 S:23 D:20
ILYBNILWY 5/28/17
Still living together
W filed 1/5/18
W moved out 8/24/18
D final 9/18/20
bhappy2 #2782242 03/20/18 09:55 AM
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Updating:

After a full month of legit DB I can now tell how I was doing things wrong. I see how the benefit is for me and I should not be looking for reacions from my W. I am not mean or cold I just do not go out of my way to interact with her. I am finally following Sandi's rules.

Now for some interesting stuff, on Saturday I was not able to do my laundry when I got home from work. No big deal I was going to do it when I woke up... BUT instead my W did it for me, she has not done my laundry in over two years. It wasnt like she needed the washer either mine were the only clothes in the laundry room. I first questioned my children to see if anyone did it for me and S22 told me that W did it.

I also ran out of ant-acid pills, W went out and bought them for me. She really has not done anything for me so this was a bit unusual. I make nothing of it and have not said a word to her at all.

I spoke with my Lawyer and she stated that W's lawyer is an idiot and will not return calls or emails, said its very unprofessional. She asked if I want to press the issue and I said no let them proceed. She said ok, no prob...

Went out Sat night for St.paddys day and had a blast, ended up hanging out with a woman at the party that I have known for about 5 years and she told me that she had always liked me but bc I was married she never said anything. I said well as you know i am going through a D and things were in limbo, she said sorry to hear and we chatted more then she kissed me. Yes it was great and yes it was new and felt awesome but weird. She wants to go out and I said I wasnt sure if I could do that.

We drank some more and did some shots and towards the end of the night she ends up falling down and splitting her lip. I take her to the hosp. and she needed ten stiches. 3 hours later I finally get home... ugh it was a long night, I texted her the next day to she if she was ok and she text back thanking me for staying with her.

I am starting to feel like there is life after D.!!!


M:52 W:49
D:26 S:24 S:23 D:20
ILYBNILWY 5/28/17
Still living together
W filed 1/5/18
W moved out 8/24/18
D final 9/18/20
bhappy2 #2782291 03/21/18 12:52 AM
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Originally Posted By: bhappy2
I also ran out of ant-acid pills, W went out and bought them for me. She really has not done anything for me so this was a bit unusual. I make nothing of it and have not said a word to her at all.

B,

It is good that you don't over analyze these situations because they really do mean nothing at this point. I am just wondering why you wouldn't thank her for these gestures.

As for your legal battle, the longer this draws out the more money the Lawyers make so they will not press the issue.

bhappy2 #2782350 03/21/18 04:31 AM
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It sounds as if you are doing a lot better. Continue GAL like crazy! Keep posting.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
LH19 #2782580 03/23/18 10:11 AM
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Originally Posted By: LH19
It is good that you don't over analyze these situations because they really do mean nothing at this point. I am just wondering why you wouldn't thank her for these gestures.


There are several reasons why, the first is that she has completely disrupted my life for 10 months doing a few nice things for me doesnt change a thing. Second is she is divorcing me... do I care what she does at this point as its prob just manipulation.


M:52 W:49
D:26 S:24 S:23 D:20
ILYBNILWY 5/28/17
Still living together
W filed 1/5/18
W moved out 8/24/18
D final 9/18/20
sandi2 #2782581 03/23/18 10:14 AM
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Originally Posted By: sandi2
It sounds as if you are doing a lot better. Continue GAL like crazy! Keep posting.



Will be doing more of the same, thank you Sandi. I am even getting compliments from old friends saying they are happy I am coming around again. Only now am I seeing my W wanting to have anything to do with me, she offered me coffee yesterday... I said no thanks... but again she just hasnt done these things in a very long time.


M:52 W:49
D:26 S:24 S:23 D:20
ILYBNILWY 5/28/17
Still living together
W filed 1/5/18
W moved out 8/24/18
D final 9/18/20
bhappy2 #2782583 03/23/18 10:29 AM
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Updating:

W just told me that she is going away next week with her work friends and proceeds to tell me that its all girls and that I have nothing to worry about. My response was I am not worried about anything, have a good time. I am glad she is going b/c the pressure in the house goes away when she is not here.

I talked to my Lawyer again and its confirmed her L is playing games by not responding to our requests. I will have to make my decision soon to push this forward, I am asking for advice here... DO I PUSH THIS FORWARD? It turns out that she filed on Jan 5th. I got the ppw on the 12th so we will be 3 months in with no progress, my L said this is extremely rare and has no reasoning behind it other than my W may be reconsidering.

GAL, just got ppw for my induction into social club, cant wait as induction night is a party and you get to meet more people. This club does so many activities my weekend will be packed with fun. My children are teasing me about it b/c this club usually is associated with an older crowd. As soon as I am a member they want me to guest bartend, should be fun.

Was I little under the weather today so I was not able to run, so I will increase my mileage tomorrow. On Tuesday our dart team had our first loss of the season and I went 1-2 even though it was a losing night it was better than working.

I keep getting texts and messages from two different woman that want to go out and it seems the more I dont want to the more they do. I feel a little bad turning them down but I am not ready to date especially since I am still married. I would feel real weird if I was out and someone saw me.


M:52 W:49
D:26 S:24 S:23 D:20
ILYBNILWY 5/28/17
Still living together
W filed 1/5/18
W moved out 8/24/18
D final 9/18/20
bhappy2 #2783136 03/28/18 08:30 AM
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Journaling:

Today is W's birthday and she left for vacation this morning, she will be away for a total of 12 days. I feel relieved that there will be no pressure in the house. She gave me all her info about who was going and said she would send me pics. I said have a good time. At this point I thought her going away would really bother me but it doesnt.

W was happy to set the family up with meals in the freezer and a schedule for who feeds the dog. She was concerned with us keeping the house clean and I told her not to worry we can take care of ourselves.

For the last 2 weeks W has been nothing but kind to me, she is doing things to help me again. She even defended me from S21 teasing me about my hair being out of place. She is laughing at my jokes, and overall we are communicating better. I do not know what she is thinking and at this point its just a waiting game.

Still no contact with W's Lawyer... its like he fell off the planet. Last communication was Feb 5th. So nothing has been done except that she filed and I got the ppw. My Lawyer said this is highly unusual... she asked if I want to push forwatd, I said to hold off for now.

Now if you are reading this you are prob saying she is going away with OM, just as a reminder I still have no proof that there is OM. Could there be, yes of course there could. I am now focussed on ME so if the D goes through I am ok. I have realized there are plenty of woman out there who would love to be in a committed relationship.

GAL: going to the gym right now then work.


M:52 W:49
D:26 S:24 S:23 D:20
ILYBNILWY 5/28/17
Still living together
W filed 1/5/18
W moved out 8/24/18
D final 9/18/20
bhappy2 #2783160 03/28/18 11:43 AM
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Originally Posted By: bhappy2
Journaling:
Now if you are reading this you are prob saying she is going away with OM, just as a reminder I still have no proof that there is OM. Could there be, yes of course there could. I am now focussed on ME so if the D goes through I am ok. I have realized there are plenty of woman out there who would love to be in a committed relationship.

GAL: going to the gym right now then work.


Man I like this statement and emotional place. You are doing whats important by focusing on yourself and not her.


M:43 W:33
M:10 T:11
D:6
BD 8/12/17
Divorce Final 1/23/2019
bhappy2 #2783366 03/30/18 01:46 AM
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Keep on keeping on! smile


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
sandi2 #2783546 04/01/18 05:59 AM
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Updating:

Stayed in last night b/c I just didnt feel like going out and laid in bed and watched TV, no pressure in the house as W is still away.

I was back slidding on my running b/c I was a little under the weather but starting to build back my mileage. I cut down on the weights b/c it was adversly effecting my running. My S21 wants to to do more weights and I want him to do more cardio...

S22 is getting interested in shooting and I offered to teach hit trap shooting he is currently looking at buying a shotgun so we can go together, I have not gone trap shooting in 10 years and its time I start doing things for myself again.

D19 is away at college and this is the first Easter we will not see each other, I just texted her and she quickly texted back saying she misses me.

D23 is visiting friends today so it will be just me and the two boys going to my parents house for Easter. There will be about 20 people there and its always a good time.

Got my induction date into social club April 23rd. I am being inducted with 7 other people and the night is like a party. I will meet all the trustees and elected officials of the club. This is going to be great, had it not been for my W wanting a D I would hae never joined this club.

Work is going great and cutting down to 5 days a week has had a huge impact on my GAL. Eyes are finally open as to what I was missing. There is a whole new world out there.

W has been very nice and actually warm, prior to her vacation she was starting to do things to help me which I really didnt believe. She even stated say hey did you know I was the one that bought you the undershirts. I said thank you, yes I knew it was you. She is even telling me where she is going and with who, she texted me from vaction telling me what she was doing and how warm it was. I am not jumping on this as I know it could mean nothing.


M:52 W:49
D:26 S:24 S:23 D:20
ILYBNILWY 5/28/17
Still living together
W filed 1/5/18
W moved out 8/24/18
D final 9/18/20
bhappy2 #2784456 04/07/18 11:16 AM
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Updating:

It seems to be very important to me to read all the new situations and see how far I have come. I realize more as time goes on that the things the vets were telling me and others is all true. Time and space! its actually for both of us. I am GAL as much as possible and I am now being invited to more and more parties and events.

W is still away and doesnt come home till Monday, she has texted me several times pretty much about nothing and I waited to respond and it was short and to the point. She has been gone a total of ten days and I cannot tell you the amount of relief I am feeling. I have cooked dinner 9 out of the 10 nights she is gone and the children now look forward to my cooking. Typical stuff like Steak, Baked Ziti, Chicken and Rice. etc. etc.

I have been running again full time and mileage is starting to increase, it feels so good when I complete a long run. Sometimes I will sit in the sauna when done its so therapeutic.I did take a night off of the dart team so that I could work, actually could use the money.


M:52 W:49
D:26 S:24 S:23 D:20
ILYBNILWY 5/28/17
Still living together
W filed 1/5/18
W moved out 8/24/18
D final 9/18/20
bhappy2 #2784754 04/10/18 02:33 AM
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So how did it go yesterday?


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Hello Sandi, W got home after I left for work so I didnt see her until Tuesday. I woke up about 11am and she was sitting on the couch watching TV, I used the bathroom and went back to bed. I never even looked her way. I then wake back up at 12:30 to shower and start my day, she starts with HEY, how are you? I said good how are you? Then she begins saying did you get the pics I sent you, I said yes.

Her attitude and demeanor are as if nothing is wrong. As if D papers have not been filed. She is like my old W, I am really conflicted with the way she is acting. Its actually freaking me out a little, its just plain weird... you want to D me but your being friendly.

She says "I heard you have been cooking dinner every night" I said yes its all good we had some great meals. I said I am going to cook tonight as me and our children wanted a certain dinner, well as I complete cooking W starts to clean the pans I used. I said please leave it I got it. She said ok but proceeded to finish cleaning the pan she started.

I can tell you this, I am more confused today then at BD, I have no idea what she is doing. I really would rather just get the D over with. Her L will not return calls and my L said if I want we can push this hard if I want. I told her to hold off for a few days.

Have there been LBH that in the course of DB actually didnt want to take back their WAW? I am starting to not have any feelings for her. Somebody help me with this... is it b/c she hurt me so badly? B/c I will never be able to trust her if we do R?

What changed over the last month and a half that she is more friendly to me. Yesterday was the first time in 10 months that she came to the bedroom to say goodbye as she was leaving for work. She would normally just walk out the door with saying a word.


M:52 W:49
D:26 S:24 S:23 D:20
ILYBNILWY 5/28/17
Still living together
W filed 1/5/18
W moved out 8/24/18
D final 9/18/20
bhappy2 #2784895 04/11/18 01:21 AM
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BH,

Slow way down my friend she is most likely going to still D you. She is being friendly because there is no pressure anymore. MY STBX and I are very cordial to one another, sleep in a=same bed and have sex from time to time. Doesn't mean she is changing her mind.

That will come years down the road.

I know you follow j9s thread.They are getting along great because there is no pressure. She still wants D.

Keep moving forward you are doing great.

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Quote:
Have there been LBH that in the course of DB actually didnt want to take back their WAW?


Sure! Once they get their own head free of fog and see what the W has become.......the LBH decides he can do a heck of a lot better and dumps her. That is the attitude he should have from the beginning of bomb drop date.

Quote:
I can tell you this, I am more confused today then at BD, I have no idea what she is doing. I really would rather just get the D over with. Her L will not return calls and my L said if I want we can push this hard if I want. I told her to hold off for a few days.


Why do you guys let the W's change of demeanor throw you for a loop? It means nothing for the MR! In fact, when she's acting all nicey-nice.......that's the time to be extra careful. It usually means she is buttering you up for something that would benefit her.

What is it Captain Kirk use to say on Star Trek? "Steady as she goes", or something to that effect. Just keep on going at your own pace, and don't take her mood shift as some indication she has changed her mind about wanting to be your W.

((hugs))


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
LH19 #2784946 04/11/18 06:50 AM
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Originally Posted By: LH19
BH,

Slow way down my friend she is most likely going to still D you. She is being friendly because there is no pressure anymore. MY STBX and I are very cordial to one another, sleep in a=same bed and have sex from time to time. Doesn't mean she is changing her mind.



I am taking it really slow, I ask her nothing and she intiates all conversations. All I am saying is that I see a real change in her attitude towards me, that does not mean I am letting my guard down and in fact when I am done writing this I am calling my L to see if/how to move this D along.

LH thank you for following my sitch I do apprciate the feedback.


M:52 W:49
D:26 S:24 S:23 D:20
ILYBNILWY 5/28/17
Still living together
W filed 1/5/18
W moved out 8/24/18
D final 9/18/20
sandi2 #2784950 04/11/18 07:04 AM
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Originally Posted By: sandi2
[/quote] Sure! Once they get their own head free of fog and see what the W has become.......the LBH decides he can do a heck of a lot better and dumps her. That is the attitude he should have from the beginning of bomb drop date.


And this is how I am feeling right now, I realize more today about my sitch then before and I am learning everyday.

Quote:
Why do you guys let the W's change of demeanor throw you for a loop? It means nothing for the MR! In fact, when she's acting all nicey-nice.......that's the time to be extra careful. It usually means she is buttering you up for something that would benefit her.


It is not throwing me for a loop, I am writing on this site so that I can get advice to help me move forward. I will never let her hurt me again and if there is a R it will be with the help of a therapist.

I fully understand what you are saying, so then just keep doing what I'm doing? When do I sit down and talk with her about the future, does this ever happen. Should I post more about our daily interactions?


M:52 W:49
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ILYBNILWY 5/28/17
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W filed 1/5/18
W moved out 8/24/18
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Originally Posted By: bhappy2
I fully understand what you are saying, so then just keep doing what I'm doing? When do I sit down and talk with her about the future, does this ever happen. Should I post more about our daily interactions?


Yes, keep doing what your'e doing running, going out with friends, playing darts.

I would sit down and find out what she wants in the D and see if you can come to some sort of an agreement. The more you keep lawyers out of it the more money you will save.

You can post about your daily interactions if you would like, just try not to read anything into them. Being cordial through this entire process will make it easier on your kids.

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Originally Posted By: bhappy2
Yes, keep doing what your'e doing running, going out with friends, playing darts.


Yes will keep this up no matter what.

Originally Posted By: bhappy2
I would sit down and find out what she wants in the D and see if you can come to some sort of an agreement. The more you keep lawyers out of it the more money you will save.


My L only got back generic paperwork stating that she wants 40% of my income, health insurance, half the marrital assets. But my W is the one with the health insurance so she will have to provide that for me. W will not discuss finances with me and I will not bring it up anymore. The last time I asked her anything was about 2 months ago and I said that her L is not returning calls can we please speed this along and she said oh "I thought you wanted to work it out"? Maybe she is just playing mind games I just dont know.

I did call my L today and had a great convo, she is also a friend and thinks W is just not rational at this time. Also she has reached out about 5 times to w's L and gets no response at all. He did send over W's demands but after that, nothing. Last correspondance was feb.5th.


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Yeah lawyers love these kind of games because they sit back and take in the cash.

Yeah she is most likely playing you to try to get what she wants. You’ll know if she changes her mind.

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Originally Posted By: LH19
Yeah lawyers love these kind of games because they sit back and take in the cash.


My L is a friend I have only spent $100.00 so far, she really is helping me.

Originally Posted By: LH19
Yeah she is most likely playing you to try to get what she wants. You’ll know if she changes her mind.


This is something I just dont know and I am trying hard not to mind read her. The pleasantries continue today and I just like her attitude as of late. She is acting like a W again, we shall see were this goes.


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Updating:

Entire families tax returns have been filed and all children are happy b/c they are getting money back. I suggested they take a few dollars and invest in some mutual funds. Of course being young they dont think of their future. But at least they are aware that they should.

Running: Last night during my run I got to 1.5 miles and just completely ran out of gas, could not continue. This has happened before so I was not too worried, its due to a lack of nutrition. So I got home and my W made baked ziti which I had for dinner so today I should be fine.

Three of my children have agreed to run in a Fathers Day 5K and they want it to be a competition between us. It also is a competitive run where a father teams whith one of his children for a team score. I usually pick D19 who is also a runner but b/c she has been away at college said she will not be compeptitive. We are all looking forward to this day and the trash talking has already started.

Work has been going great and I should be able to take some more time off and only work 5 days. I have a chance to grow my business and one of my customers has asked to give me more work. I want to take this slow as I would have to invest some money to grow.


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Quote:
When do I sit down and talk with her about the future, does this ever happen. Should I post more about our daily interactions?


When she goes to you in a humble, remorseful spirit.......telling you how sorry she is for all the pain and destruction she has caused......and taking full responsibility for her actions. When she humbly asks for your forgiveness and when she asks you what does she have to do for you to take her back and go forward in the MR.

Until you see her actions, words, and attitude match...........don't waste your breath.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Well I guess I wont have to worry about that as I just got the call from my L that W wants to proceed with D. I have to come in and redo all financials as they were done in Jan. So W being all friendly was an act or manipulation. I just told two of my children that the time has come and mom wants to proceed with D.

W is such a coward, we talk all day long then I get the phone call after she leaves for work. In Jan. I asked her could we please sep for 6 months and she said no. What the heck, you dont want to be with me but you want me to still pay for everything.


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BH,

Yep as I suspected she was nice because you took the pressure off.

Just keep moving forward and don’t burn any bridges. Who knows what the future holds.

Stay strong!

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Thank you LH for following my thread. So I got a call from L and she says guess what... I say what she says she received and email asking her what are we doing with this case. Remember my W filed and started all this and they want to know what we are doing. My L is really perplexed and says that W's L is incompetent. We should be at the point of them stating what they want, not us asking for what we want.

I have told two of my children that it looks like the D is going through and that they need to start looking for apartments. S21 got a little upset and does not understand what is wrong with his mother, I said that I am telling you so that you can be prepared as the house has to be sold. He said I really dont need this as he is about to enter the police academy, within 2 weeks. I said I will help you as much as I can.

Told D23 and she said ok that she can move by july or august, I said ok I just want her to be ready. She looked a little upset and said dad I dont think mom has (anyone else) OM why cant you guys work it out. I said that is between us and she should stay out of it.

S22 was not home but I will tell him today. D19 will not be told until she comes home from college around May 19th. Both S21 and D23 were told do not tell D19. D19 is the most sensative and she is going to have real problems with W. D19 and I were very close as we were both runners and ran several races together.

In some strange way I am feeling like I want this over, as hard as it is going to be breaking up our family I need to be happy too.


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Sorry hap I know you were hopeful and optimistic. You will be ok and there is a certain since of relief that comes with it. As L said don’t take your anger out on your W. Time to stand tall.


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
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Thanks J9, I am starting to feel relief and knowing that there is life after D. I am keeping busy but my issues now are she keeps asking me things that do not matter, like oh H do you know if S22 is working today? Its like W thinks that talking to me is going to make things easier.

I just made plans to go to the social club tonight, it is always fun and a lot of laughs. Several members keep asking me to come down b/c I bring some comedy relief to the place. We play LRC (left right center) with about 20 people. Also play liars poker... its all good... plus adult beverages. They also have a dart board and it seems all the guys want to play me, interesting. I may have to let them win a game.hahah

The weather is beautiful today and I am trying to stay motivated to get things done. I am trying to keep it moving but we got playoff hockey on plus baseball in full swing...ugh the struggles.


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Well she probably feels some level of guilt and yes she probably does feel that if she talks to you it will make the situation less awkward.

Just buckle down and keep your nose on the finish line. Be pleasant, polite and cordial. It's all business from here on out. I just stood next to EW for about an hour watching our D's soccer game and discussion her upcoming birthday on 5/1. If I can do it so can you.

Enjoy some cocktails.


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
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Thats good stuff J9, Thanks for the pep talk, part of my issue is this:

I said to her "You told me you wanted a D in May 2017, but you wait until jan 2018 to file. Then you wait until 4/13/18 to tell your L to proceed with D.

Just a little update:

W made 3K dollars more than me last year. This is not going to be what she thought. Oh well the pot of gold she thought was waiting for her is not there. Plus she made the mistake of taking out her 401K without telling me or her L. Big mistake.


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BH - I know it is frustrating but try to not let it get to. You may never know the reasons why and you need to accept it. There are many things that happen in this world every day to good people and they never know why. You and I should be no different. I have a very close friend of mine who lost her child at the age of 24 to cancer. She has to live with it every day and still has no answer as to why. Be thankful for all that you have, be thankful for your healthy children and that you got to experience them grow up in household with their mom and dad under one roof. Something that my kids will never get to experience.

Try to not get bogged down in the details. You have a lot to be thankful for so try to focus on that.

There will be better days ahead!


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
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J9, you are 100% right... I have much to be happy for...I was just stating that we should have had the D done by now. Waiting for what was my question, it was rhetorical. I am moving on and have moved on.

S21 just came to me and asked a million questions, I said that I might not be able to answer everything but he wants to know. I said look when I know you will know. He then said he thinks W should move out. S22 was leaving for work and said this is BS whats going on here, I said we will get through this... yes they are adults and it will be easier for them but it still [censored] that they are being forced to move from the house they were born in.


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Yep, it does suck...your pain is real. IMO your path is a little more challenging because your kids are old enough to understand what it is going on. It will be very hard to remain neutral and not let your children know your true feelings. Others may disagree but at the end of the day while they are old enough to understand your W is still their mother and I think some things they don't need to know. Use your discretion in what you tell them. I think you could still make things 100% worse if you put a wedge between them you and their mom.

Show them your character and the man that you are!


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
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No wedge at all, I still love my family as hard as this will be. The problem is they know its her, they know she will not seek any help or counceling. Thats what is so bothersome to them, remember everything has been a secret for so long and now they are getting bombarded with the reality that they have to move and pay for an apartment. Along with not living with their family. It is complex but can be done.

The area where I live a 2 bedroom apartment is around $1800 (with a dog $2200) it is more then my mortgage on my house. There is no way aroung not selling my house unless W decides she wants to back off on wanting half of everything.

My concern is for my children (young adults) being thrown into a sitch that they had no control over, they will barely be able to afford their rent, let alone car insurance, food ... etc.etc.


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Happy Sunday its freezing here... Just got done doing all kinds of ppw and now off to the gym.

W has been on the couch since 12:30am and its now 3:30pm. She got up once to make pancakes for the kids.

I have 1 week until my induction into social club, suit is cleaned and ready. In my line of work it is rare that I would be wearing a suit.

A large group of friends just returned home from a cruise that I was supposed to go on, I saw all the pics and it looked great. Next year for sure. I remember asking W if she wanted to go prior to BD and she said that she was worried I would get seasick. I said I would have no problem but she still didnt want to.


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Updating: Talked to L yesterday and she said there is no way the W will be able to keep the house, so it will be up to me if I want to try and keep it. I just dont want to have to buy my house again. This should have been the best time of my life as the mortgage is really going down.

Re-did all my financials and looked over credit card and bank statements, I cannot believe how often W and I went to certain restaurants. Its all there in black and white, our favorite places... by saying we never did anything together is just mind boggling. I am not rehashing just stating it here for the board.

Saturday night is going to be great as my cousin is guest bartending at the social club. Then on Monday night I get inducted and get to meet the board members. Should have done this years ago.

Running is starting to get back to normal and mileage should be about 25 miles this week.

Near my town is a Fathers day 5K that me and 2 maybe 3 kids will be running. It is a competition run with fathers teaming with children and lowest time wins. Me and D19 came in 15th out of 45 one year and we hope to be under 50 minutes combined. Either way I really enjoy doing this activity with the kids.

S21 enters the police academy this Wednesday and I am really happy for him. He is anxious to get started and he gave his job notice, he doesnt know it but they are throwing him a little party tomorrow on his last day.

W has been very talkative with me but its all for show and wants to be friendly, I made the mistake of saying why dont we go talk things over lunch she immediately said maybe, so that means no way. I am glad I caught myself...whoa...


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W moved out 8/24/18
D final 9/18/20
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Originally Posted By: bhappy2
W has been very talkative with me but its all for show and wants to be friendly, I made the mistake of saying why dont we go talk things over lunch she immediately said maybe, so that means no way. I am glad I caught myself...whoa...


A slip up like this is okay. I remember early on in my sitch, making mistakes like this almost out of habit. Pursuit? Yes a tad. But what if she had said "Okay"? You never know if "talktive" means more until you do a small temp check. That's what I would call this. No this isn't pure DBing, but if you know my sitch at all you know I did a big mishmash of DBing and reconnecting. It worked, or seems to be working, in my sitch. But everyone will need to decide what is best for their sitch.


M(53), W(54),D(19)
M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
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Originally Posted By: Steve85
A slip up like this is okay. I remember early on in my sitch, making mistakes like this almost out of habit. Pursuit? Yes a tad. But what if she had said "Okay"? You never know if "talktive" means more until you do a small temp check. That's what I would call this. No this isn't pure DBing, but if you know my sitch at all you know I did a big mishmash of DBing and reconnecting. It worked, or seems to be working, in my sitch. But everyone will need to decide what is best for their sitch.


Thanks for visiting my thread Steve, yes trying to stay focused on myself. At times she makes this house feel like nothing is wrong.


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Originally Posted By: bhappy2
At times she makes this house feel like nothing is wrong.

BH,

You are to caught up on how she is acting so that means your not detached. Would you rather her be angry and screaming at you like some of the LBS around here?

If she changes her mind you will know. Most likely this will be years down the road.

While your living together treat her as a neighbor.

Conrats on your induction into the club.

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Thank you LH, you are right I just went over this with IC. Two months ago I was more detached then right now and thats because she manipulated me back. I can see it now. I am working to get back to that place.

Coffee, running, work... sleep

I now have things in my life to look forward to, and I am fortunate to have so many friends and family.


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Updating:

Just met with L and I am feeling really good, I have accepted the D as happening and I am moving on with my life. Things take time for LBS and it is a learning process. I should be just fine financially.

So I want to share a little more about me, I have been going to the same barber shop for the last 45 years, yes 45... so I know everyone in the shop. I made a video of me pretending to be a barber and they posted it on their page and it was a big hit. I have made videos for many years and have had 1000's of views and many people message me for more.

I will resume making videos when the D is done and I will start to be creative again. I was asked to write a bit for a radio station that I have been putting off because I didnt have enough time.

The time is now to move forward...


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Journaling:

Great night last night at the social club, incredibly fun stuff and i see myself becoming more involved with people. Played darts and i won every game so I decided that I should sit down and let some others play I didnt want to hog the board. They were calling me a ringer, it was all in good fun.

W is now not saying anything to me at all, no more saying hello. I have accepted this and continue on with my life. I have taken notice that she is trying to be extra nice to our children. They still do not realize the gravity of the sitch. W came in today and her hair was all frizzed out looking like she is 20 years old, D23 immediately called her out on it.. she even asked W what are you trying to do.

Today cleaned kitchen, backyard and now going for a run. Life is going to be great, I get inducted into social club tomorrow.


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Updating:

W came home from the library with 3 romance novels, all Jackie Collins. I really believe my W is MLC. Stll dressing like she is 20 and wearing her hair like the 80's. She is def not as cold to me but we really dont talk anymore.

I am not focused on her just wanted to update my observations.

Tonight induction to social club, and Sat night big party for one of my frinds 50th birthday.


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Updating:

W has been very nice and pleasant, she has come to me several times over the last few days to talk. She even told me about her doctors app. where the doc asked her to take all kinds of blood test as he believes she may have a hormonal imbalance. She said the test take a few weeks. The doc also wants her in more often because she has a Thyroid condition and he upped her dosage for that. W has not offered this information with me for the last 11 months and it was nice to just have a normal convo.

W's mom came home from rehab for surgery on her leg and w and her family are really happy. MIL's birthday is Friday and they are having a cake for her. I was not asked to go but thats fine.

I look at my W and I am not sure I even want to save my M anymore I just do not know what to think. I will come out of the D much better off finacially and I am starting to think this might not be so bad. I still love her but I know there is no quick path to recovery.

TBH sometimes i look at her and I just see ugliness, pure and simple self centered ugliness.


M:52 W:49
D:26 S:24 S:23 D:20
ILYBNILWY 5/28/17
Still living together
W filed 1/5/18
W moved out 8/24/18
D final 9/18/20
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Updating:

I am no closer to D then I was the day she filed and this is now really annoying. I have done all the necassary paperwork and the delays quite bothersome. My L says at this rate you will not be D'ed until next year. W's L does not respond to any messages again, phone calls emails and now we sent paperwork over by courier.

I have been GAL with the social club and I have met so many great people. I decided to take it slow there so that I can ease my way in. The place has a full catering hall and bar. I was asked if I want to guest bartend and I am deciding if I want to do that.

Still running 5 times a week as this is so good for me mentally and physically.

I am going to a fund raiser for cancer in about a month and its going to be full dinner open bar, DJ. My entire family will be there so it should be good, normally I would have skipped an event like this but not anymore!


M:52 W:49
D:26 S:24 S:23 D:20
ILYBNILWY 5/28/17
Still living together
W filed 1/5/18
W moved out 8/24/18
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B happy in da hizzle! So BH do you want a D or not? You have had a lot of time to think, ponder and get your head right. No right or wrong answer but where are you at? What is going on inside that BH brain?


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
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I sometimes feel like I dont even know my W anymore. Then she will do something nice and I fall flat on my face, thinking ok shes starting to come back. Only now do I realize she was just manipulating me.

Yes I want to still save my M, it will be a tremendous amout of work. I am not afraid to D anymore either as I have seen there is much happiness out there. I have met so many good people.

So I am in limbo myself, if she was to come to me and say she wants to R I am just going to say I am not sure anymore.


M:52 W:49
D:26 S:24 S:23 D:20
ILYBNILWY 5/28/17
Still living together
W filed 1/5/18
W moved out 8/24/18
D final 9/18/20
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Sounds good BH......so you are willing to wait for as long as it takes? Just trying to see where you stand.


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
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Updating:

Went to a great party last night at the social club. meeting so many good people, found several people who like to run so I am going to have to step up my runs so I can run with these guys.

Picked up D19 from college yesterday, W didn't want to come but she was sure to help unload the truck. She also had plenty of food ready when we got home. She doesnt really speak to me at all unless I intiate. At this point I really do not.

She came to me before I left to remind me to take the hand truck and to drive safely. REALLY!! Thats what I need you do tell me? I was sitting in my room with the door closed and she came and knocked on my door... Weird... to say the least.

So we are now 4.5 months since she filed and we have gotten 0, nothing accomplished. Other than filling out my financials twice, absolutely nothing has been accomplished.

IC cannot help me with this and stated that this is a unusual situation. She cannot believe my W is still in the house and stated that if your W was in an active A she would be gone. I dont know and at this point I am moving forward.

BTW I do not snoop on anything anymore and havent in about 6 months.

Do you think D runs in families? My W has 6 siblings and all but one have been D'ed. Some have been D'ed twice. The oldest brother only dates married woman. He has never had a girlfriend that was not married.


M:52 W:49
D:26 S:24 S:23 D:20
ILYBNILWY 5/28/17
Still living together
W filed 1/5/18
W moved out 8/24/18
D final 9/18/20
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Updating:

W is increasingly nicer and nicer, i do not see any manipulation here bc she asks for nothing in return. She starts convos with me regularly and I see a real difference in her attitude. I can now recognize when its time to back off, as she starts to pull away in our convos. Have not talked about D in I dont know how long, but its been a while.

She does not occupy my mind space anymore. I do not care where she is going and with who. She is making it known to me where she is kind of indirectly. I find it kind of humorous that after 27 years together we have to play these type of games.

I do not know whether or not she is changing her mind about getting D'ed and at this point it doesnt matter. I am here and she knows where I stand. If she wants to go full court press with the L's then I am ready.

W was going to wear a really nice mini skirt to work today but D23 and D19 put her on blast so W changed into pants. She will listen to the kids... lol


M:52 W:49
D:26 S:24 S:23 D:20
ILYBNILWY 5/28/17
Still living together
W filed 1/5/18
W moved out 8/24/18
D final 9/18/20
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bh, great. One of the other anti-divorce experts I read and listened to talked about how sometimes the problems in a MR were not THE problem. His point was that a lack of connection sometimes causes spouses to pull away, walkaway, cheat, etc. He concentrates on two things:

1. Time
2. Reconnecting

He reiterates that the two things go hand in hand, that you don't just reconnect overnight, and there is no huge change you can make to cause reconnection to spontaneously happen. But consistent improvements over time. So he says you need to work on you (IE if you were controlling, stop it. If you were verbally abusive stop it. Etc). And then use talk charges (short 30-60 second fun talks to your spouse, in person or over the phone, and then you end the call). Touch charges (non-sexual touching, like patting their shoulder as you walk by, or putting your hand on their back as you pass behind them in the kitchen, etc). And then date night. Obviously depending on the situation, you might not be able to do all 3, but you slowly work up them over time.

It sounds like you might be in a sitch where you need to start instituting some of that to try to reconnect. This expert says what he normally sees is a that a couple comes to him to fix a particular issue, but by focusing on the MR and improving it the particular issue resolves itself.

Food for thought, but keep up the great work!


M(53), W(54),D(19)
M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
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Thank you Steve, appreciate the feedback. Giving this sitch more time, there are days she isnt as friendly but more friendly than not. Even if we R this is going to be a long road.


M:52 W:49
D:26 S:24 S:23 D:20
ILYBNILWY 5/28/17
Still living together
W filed 1/5/18
W moved out 8/24/18
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Journaling:

Nothing new with the W except that I have not had any talks with her in the last week. Today was the first time she said hello to me and I politely said hello back. She has been trying to get my attention through talking to the kids, weird but I dont respond.

Went for a run this morning, got new headphones and they work great.

Friday night went out with friends from HS, in attendance were 5 of us with the other 4 guys being in the top 15 in our graduating class. One was our HS class pres. these are all top achievers. Two are Lawyers and both are very sucessful. the other two are executives with large companies. One of the Lawyers is working on D number 3 and doesnt care one bit. Says he will not try and be with someone who doesnt want to be with him.

D23 came to me and said Mom was being an idiot, I asked how? she said that anything mom says doesnt make any sense, that just even trivial things are all over the map. I said you need to take that up with mom. D23 said she was telling me bc she thinks something is mentally wrong with W. I said if there is it is something M has to address.

I have had some time off of work and it feels great. Been fixing things around the house and I really feel good with some minor projects being complete.


M:52 W:49
D:26 S:24 S:23 D:20
ILYBNILWY 5/28/17
Still living together
W filed 1/5/18
W moved out 8/24/18
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To say my sitch is bizzarre would be an understatement, yes everyone thinks their sitch is unique but this is just plain weird. Filed on Jan. 5th... and here we are 5 months later and nothing has been done except financial statement.

There are days she is friendly and days she just doesnt want to talk... the roller coaster... I know when to back off and when I can talk to her. I guess you could say I am standing for my M but am i really? She gives me nothing in terms of R, but also nothing in terms of D other than she filed.

I have not and will not talk about R with her I am way past that, but I am also coming to a point where I need an answer. I do not know how I should proceed as these are unchartered waters for me. I can say at this point I do not worry what will happen anymore, but I need something to happen.

Vets please help with this!!

Do I continue to wait?

Ask her whats going on?

Do I push the D forward? See if that sets a fire under her?

I have asked this before but if a S is so sure they want a D and push it forward and fast track, why the wait?

IC says that W is suffering from many problems and that she does not believe W is in an A. At this point does it even matter... NO


M:52 W:49
D:26 S:24 S:23 D:20
ILYBNILWY 5/28/17
Still living together
W filed 1/5/18
W moved out 8/24/18
D final 9/18/20
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BH,

D takes time my W filed March 17 finalized May 2018.

Let it play itself out. Just keep moving forward with your life.

You will not like the answer you are going to get if you ask her what's going on.

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BH, just stay the course. Go back and read cadet's links and put them into practice.

That the D hasn't progressed is not surprising. Likely your WAW and a rare burst of WAW energy and filed, and now has done nothing else to advance the D.

Whatever you do DO NOT ask her what is going on.

So continue to wait, but also continue to detach, GAL, 180, and be the best bhappy that you can be.

Remember slow and steady wins the race. Patience. Patience. And what that runs out more patience!


M(53), W(54),D(19)
M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
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Originally Posted By: LH19
BH,

D takes time my W filed March 17 finalized May 2018.


Ours is pretty simple we have no minor children, its just split assets and determine alimony.

Originally Posted By: LH19
Let it play itself out. Just keep moving forward with your life.


Always moving forward, nothing will stop that now.

Originally Posted By: LH19
You will not like the answer you are going to get if you ask her what's going on.


Yes this would give her another chance to bomb drop. Its just that she every once in a while acts like there is nothing wrong.

Thank you for responding LH


M:52 W:49
D:26 S:24 S:23 D:20
ILYBNILWY 5/28/17
Still living together
W filed 1/5/18
W moved out 8/24/18
D final 9/18/20
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Originally Posted By: Steve85
BH, just stay the course. Go back and read cadet's links and put them into practice.

That the D hasn't progressed is not surprising. Likely your WAW and a rare burst of WAW energy and filed, and now has done nothing else to advance the D.

Whatever you do DO NOT ask her what is going on.

So continue to wait, but also continue to detach, GAL, 180, and be the best bhappy that you can be.

Remember slow and steady wins the race. Patience. Patience. And what that runs out more patience!


Than you Steve, appreciate the feedback.


M:52 W:49
D:26 S:24 S:23 D:20
ILYBNILWY 5/28/17
Still living together
W filed 1/5/18
W moved out 8/24/18
D final 9/18/20
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BH,

Let me give you an example in my sitch.

I was granted the marital home. My W is moving out by the end of June. I came home last week and she mulched the entire yard.

We are still getting divorced. They rarely ever change their mind this far down the road.

It will be years down the road until they realized they made a mistake.

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Originally Posted By: LH19
BH,

Let me give you an example in my sitch.

I was granted the marital home. My W is moving out by the end of June. I came home last week and she mulched the entire yard.


Ok this is just from the twilight zone... what in the actual? Maybe they just do not get it, at all...


M:52 W:49
D:26 S:24 S:23 D:20
ILYBNILWY 5/28/17
Still living together
W filed 1/5/18
W moved out 8/24/18
D final 9/18/20
bhappy2 #2793914 06/04/18 09:17 AM
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Ha... I am moving back to the marital home in August and my wife is talking about buying a lawnmower.

Maybe they just really love their lawns?


W 34 Me 42
Married 7 years together 8
0 kids 1 beloved dog
BD 4/6/2018
I moved out 4/7/2018
I moved back in alone 8/05/2018
I file 3/06/2019
D official 5/7/2019
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PBINTLOVE24/7 AKA LH19 - Maybe she is marking her territory??????


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
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It goes to show you they just do not know whats going on...as V says scrabbled eggs for brains


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ILYBNILWY 5/28/17
Still living together
W filed 1/5/18
W moved out 8/24/18
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Updating/Journaling:

Last night I got up to use the bathroom and W was in livingroom watching TV with a lit candle. Just found it odd, but whatever.

Today she comes in the bedroom and asks so nicely if i could give her a ride to pick up D23's car. I said yes no prob, on the ride there she says the car has no gas in it and shes not sure if she can make it home. I said sorry to hear that... I did not offer to buy gas for her. Its not that I dont care but these are things she needs to understand that I am not going to be there to help with anymore.

I have been off of work for the last 3 weeks and i am loving it, I delegated more work through my employees and its been nice to get some stuff done around the house. I have been running everyday and feel great.

I will stop down at the Social club tonight, its always fun, meet new people, play some darts.

Busy weekend plans, fund raiser event Friday night, saturday big party at the social club. Sunday will take a ride to my parents house in the country, spend a few days there. Moms cooking is always on point!

D23 moved into her appartment and she is very happy and so am I, this is a good thing. D19 is complaining a little bit about not have a car for the summer but unfortuately I cannot afford a car for her for 2 months.

S22 and S21 are progressing very nicely at their careers and their futures look great. Both are Law enforcement.

For any newcomer reading this thread, I can tell you this, it has been 1 year and i am finally at peace. I learned that sometimes you need to be by yourself, its ok to do things by yourself.

I do not know whats happing with my sitch because I dont ask, at all, I ASK HER NOTHING! I validate and move on. I still cannot believe we are not D'ed I do not know what stopped/slowed down the process. Again I dont ask... why? because it doesnt matter.If she proceeds with D then I'm good, if she wants to R then I'm good..

Either way I will be just fine.


M:52 W:49
D:26 S:24 S:23 D:20
ILYBNILWY 5/28/17
Still living together
W filed 1/5/18
W moved out 8/24/18
D final 9/18/20
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Originally Posted By: Steve85
That the D hasn't progressed is not surprising. Likely your WAW and a rare burst of WAW energy and filed, and now has done nothing else to advance the D.


I told you why. This is classic WW/WAW behavior. The idyllic concept of being free and on your own is better than the reality of D process and coparenting post-D. Once reality starts to set in they cool their heels really fast on the D.

If your D is to progress it will likely be you that has grown tired of her act and moves it forward.


M(53), W(54),D(19)
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Originally Posted By: Steve85
Originally Posted By: Steve85
That the D hasn't progressed is not surprising. Likely your WAW and a rare burst of WAW energy and filed, and now has done nothing else to advance the D.


I told you why. This is classic WW/WAW behavior. The idyllic concept of being free and on your own is better than the reality of D process and coparenting post-D. Once reality starts to set in they cool their heels really fast on the D.

If your D is to progress it will likely be you that has grown tired of her act and moves it forward.


I have thought abut this daily for a very long time...


M:52 W:49
D:26 S:24 S:23 D:20
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W filed 1/5/18
W moved out 8/24/18
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BH,

I disagree with Steve. Taking pressure slows the process down but in most cases the end result is still D.

What I will say is that because she is not on the fast train out there is a good chance there is no A.

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M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
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Nice!!

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Originally Posted By: LH19
BH,

I disagree with Steve. Taking pressure slows the process down but in most cases the end result is still D.

What I will say is that because she is not on the fast train out there is a good chance there is no A.


LH, I don't see this as in disagreement with what I said, but an aspect of what I said. In my sitch backing off and taking the pressure off CAUSED my W to start to see the reality of D. In fact, as I embraced the idea of inevitable D, she backed off of it at almost the same rate. So it is often times a combination of the LBS letting go AND the reality of D sobering up the WAS.

I agree with your last assessment to, with one caveat. There is a good chance there is no A NOW. There could have been one at the time of BD, but it ran its course and ended.


M(53), W(54),D(19)
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Originally Posted By: LH19
BH,

I disagree with Steve. Taking pressure slows the process down but in most cases the end result is still D.


Then I should just go push the D through as fast as possible? or wait it out DB like crazy and see if things turn around.

Originally Posted By: LH19
What I will say is that because she is not on the fast train out there is a good chance there is no A.


I really never had any proof she was in an A, but we all know that something is going on that they believe there is something better for them out there.


M:52 W:49
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Originally Posted By: Joseph9
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Please keep us filled in with the results!


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BH,

I have been following you for a year and you have flipped flopped probably 10 times on wanting a D. I am pretty sure you do not want a D so I would do nothing in regards to the D process.

Continue to build a life for yourself and your children.

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Originally Posted By: LH19
BH,

I have been following you for a year and you have flipped flopped probably 10 times on wanting a D. I am pretty sure you do not want a D so I would do nothing in regards to the D process.

Continue to build a life for yourself and your children.


I have been doing just that, W is asking a lot of questions lately. Like if i am going to certain social functions, I answer yes and leave it at that.

As far as flip flopping, I am on the roller coaster here just like many of us, but the difference now is I know there is life after D. Its only because of this site.

LH thank you for hitting me with 2x4's when needed. I appreciate the help and advice.


M:52 W:49
D:26 S:24 S:23 D:20
ILYBNILWY 5/28/17
Still living together
W filed 1/5/18
W moved out 8/24/18
D final 9/18/20
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Journaling:
Today wake up normal time and W comes in bedroom and says can you give D19 a ride, I said sure no prob. W gives me the details and I drive D19. I dont know why W is asking me as D19 could have very easily said hey Dad can you drive me.

Come home from running some errands and W says I cut up some watermelon its in the fridge but its probably not cold yet. Just thought you might want some. Ok these types of interations have not happened in a while. I do not make anything of it I responded with thank you.

W then asks are you going to that fund raiser tonight? I said yes how did you know about it, she said she saw it on FB. I blocked W on FB about 4 months ago. I said yes she said have a good time, she has to work but she did not ask to come just made a point to let me know she knew. I do not want to mind read and I certainly am taking things very slow but I think she is temp checking here, not 100% sure though.

Things in our house are really feeling like normal again, as I move more and more detached I finally understand what DR is about. Of course R has not been discussed at all but it doesnt really matter at this point. There are times I really like doing things on my own or just with the kids.


M:52 W:49
D:26 S:24 S:23 D:20
ILYBNILWY 5/28/17
Still living together
W filed 1/5/18
W moved out 8/24/18
D final 9/18/20
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I've found that rarely does the WAS openly discuss R. I think what you are seeing is her move back towards the MR, likely because you've removed pressure and pursuit. I don't think she will go "hey, I changed my mind and now I want to reconcile!" It will happen slowly and organically.

The best thing you can do is keep DBing, and not slip back into old habits and patterns. Keep those 180s going.


M(53), W(54),D(19)
M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
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Thank you Steve, I cannot tell you how hard it is to not say hey do you want to go to dinner... ugh... ok. This is what it is going to take.

And no to anyone who thinks I will accept Friend Zone status. It will not happen for me, I will move on before that happens.


M:52 W:49
D:26 S:24 S:23 D:20
ILYBNILWY 5/28/17
Still living together
W filed 1/5/18
W moved out 8/24/18
D final 9/18/20
bhappy2 #2795002 06/09/18 08:05 AM
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Had a great time last night, all for a good cause. Great food and drinks. My parents, siblings were all there and it was a good time. Not one mention of my sitch and no one asked any questions. I did not think about my W the entire night. Came home and she asked all kinds of questions. I quickly grabbed something to snack on and went to bed.

Woke up today and W is being all friendly and nice, telling me there is food in the fridge. Her entire demeanor has changed and she is acting like herself from before BD. I do like the fact that things seem to be heading in the right direction.

I have another party tonight at the social club, its for the Belmont stakes and should be a lot of people. This place is really about building relationships and helping each other. I wish I would have joined years ago.

Just getting ready to go running and I am updating my music play list. If anyone has any good songs to work out to I am all ears.

A country lyric that really sticks out to me and makes sense is this "Dont fall in love as she walking away" I know its about when you just meet someone but I think it also applies when we get BD'ed.


M:52 W:49
D:26 S:24 S:23 D:20
ILYBNILWY 5/28/17
Still living together
W filed 1/5/18
W moved out 8/24/18
D final 9/18/20
bhappy2 #2795175 06/10/18 06:24 PM
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What a great weekend, party at the social club was great got home at 2am. So many laughs, life is fun again. I got chipolte today, love that place. I was pretty much home alone today and I have to tell you it was great. Got a bunch of stuff done around the house.

Monday meeting at the social club, initiating I think 8 new members, the club now has about 250 active members. Like I said before wish I had joined sooner, its never too late!

Tuesday playoff dart match, we are the top seed and we have a fairly easy first round match. capt. has been texting everyone to make sure we can all make it. Looking forward to a night out with friends.

I am going to step up my running activies this week as sometimes I take 2-3 days off and I want to be more disciplined.

Side note about the social club, there have been many questions from some of the single ladies if I am single. I will not date yet and I truly believe I should wait. Its just nice to know that there is some interest.

I am now over a year into my sitch and cannot believe how things have changed for me, so much more confident than before and everyday seems to be better.


M:52 W:49
D:26 S:24 S:23 D:20
ILYBNILWY 5/28/17
Still living together
W filed 1/5/18
W moved out 8/24/18
D final 9/18/20
bhappy2 #2796188 06/15/18 08:44 AM
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Journaling:

Had a great few days and I am back to work.

Tuesday night won our playoff match and looking forward to the finals next week.

This weekend D23 is coming home for Fathers day and me, D23, and D19 are running in a Fathers Day 5K. We did this several years ago and its was very fun. It is a competition and I had to sign up to compete with one D and I picked D19 who is a more experienced runner. We are not as trained as we would like to be but will do the best we can. The last time we raced we came in 15th out of 45 teams. The race generally has about 2000 runners and there is free food and carnival afterwards.

Some interesting developments with W, I just dont even try and guess what shes doing but here goes:

D19 car had to be returned as lease was up, I made an appointment for the inspection and told D19 to make sure car was home at that time. W comes to me and starts asking questions about car/return. I tell her, she then says I cleaned the entire inside of the car and scrubbed the seats of all the coffee stains D19 made in them so the car will be clean when the inspector comes. So I say ok. This is just weird, she wants to help me save money?

Then I notice the dishwasher was not drying the dishes properly, so I ask W if there is something wrong with the dishwasher. She tells me NO that she shut off the heat drying to save money on the electric. My W has never paid an electric bill or any other household bill in her life. So now she is wanting to help me?

I am really to the point of just not caring anymore. I am just not sure what else I can do. I called my L again and she is telling me that other L has gone complete silence. This is really frustrating. But W has not seen any frustration from me at all.

She was being friendly and nice the last few days and today was cold and distant. Thats fine, thats my que to step away.


M:52 W:49
D:26 S:24 S:23 D:20
ILYBNILWY 5/28/17
Still living together
W filed 1/5/18
W moved out 8/24/18
D final 9/18/20
bhappy2 #2796204 06/15/18 10:58 AM
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Well done BH! Keep up the good DB work.


M(53), W(54),D(19)
M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
SteveLW #2797529 06/24/18 07:42 AM
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Updating:

Have not posted in 9 days, but I have been reading and learning.

Had a great fathers day, ran a 5K with D23 and D19 they both beat me and it was extremely hot. It was our slowest time ever. Many emergency vehicles to help if needed. Came home from race and went to dinner at my parents and D23, S21, and D19 came with me. It was great. W did wish me a happy Fathers day.

W is increasingly nicer day by day and I now realize if there is any chance at the marriage being fixed its going to take a lot of time. She is starting to help me with things around the house which is unusual but I am not making a big deal out of it. I say thanks and keep it moving.

So much to be thankful for, I am now just living my life. The social club I belong to is just great with so much to do. Making new friends every time I go there.

I am trying to organize a family white water rafting trip, the kids are into it but its hard to get everyone off work at the same time. It just looks like a lot of fun.

I have been running, I think this is the best thing for me!

I do have a new "Friend" that wants to date but I have been reluctant to go. I am not ready yet. I do not have a specific time frame for when I want to end my M. I guess I am in Limbo, but its not a bad limbo. I do my thing she does hers. When I dont converse with her for a few days she starts asking me questions. I know this is a process and its a marathon.

I saw Sandi was trying to develop a plan of action for LBH and I would say for me a good start would have been to just shut my mouth at BD and the following 4 weeks. That my have been the most crucial time to just be quiet and listen.


M:52 W:49
D:26 S:24 S:23 D:20
ILYBNILWY 5/28/17
Still living together
W filed 1/5/18
W moved out 8/24/18
D final 9/18/20
bhappy2 #2798247 06/27/18 11:06 AM
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Journaling:

Great night last night, won the dart championship. Had a very competitve match both teams were fully engaged. Final score 24-16. it seemed closer than that.

After the match I went to a 6 hour concert at a local venue. This concert has taken place on the same date for the last 41 years. It was a tremendous show, such great music. Over 70 musicians played, absolutely phenominal.

Its not even July yet and I am really starting to plan out trip and get aways. Tomorrow I am traveling to see my parents, they have a second house in a rural area and I have frequently gone to vistit. I am making a map for for drive up to visit Covered Bridges. I have always loved seeing them but now I have some time to actually stop and read about the history. I will take some pictures, I really like to see the artitecture.

Still trying to plan a white water rafting trip and now a bunch of people are interest in going. I think I will just plan a day and say hey if you can make it this is the date.

Going to see Jurassic Park tonight, really looking forward to it. I asked D19 if she wants to go and she said she wasnt sure I said ok, I am going at 9 if you want to come.

Still running about 20 miles a week and D23 is trying to push me towards weights. I just like running more than weights but she said if you want to get toned you have to lift weights.

Nothing new with the W, she is somewhat talkative and I continue to validate and be pleasant around her. I have absolutely no idea where my M is going and thats a good thing.

Smile... every little thing...is going to be alright!


M:52 W:49
D:26 S:24 S:23 D:20
ILYBNILWY 5/28/17
Still living together
W filed 1/5/18
W moved out 8/24/18
D final 9/18/20
bhappy2 #2798898 07/01/18 12:52 PM
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Updating:

July 1st, wow, no closer to D then the day she filed. W has been increasingly nicer but nothing as far as R. Its ok and I realize this is a process. I am here for the long haul, the moment I find out there is OM I will force this D as hard as I can.

Went to a party last night great time, had someone pay me a huge compliment, a female friend of mine who I have known for several years said that "Your W is a fool for D you" I said wow thank you. It really made me feel good. She said you are so full of life dont ever change. I said well last july I was a complete basket case.

I have a busy week ahead glad we have Wed. off. I am going to do some yard work.

For those of you who are recently BD'ed please give yourself time to heal. You owe yourself some time and space. Everything will fall into place. You will be so good at Validating it will come natural. I think my W would have been gone if I had kept up the pressure.

Peace...


M:52 W:49
D:26 S:24 S:23 D:20
ILYBNILWY 5/28/17
Still living together
W filed 1/5/18
W moved out 8/24/18
D final 9/18/20
bhappy2 #2798904 07/01/18 02:34 PM
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bhappy, I just read your whole thread. Its amazing how far youve come and to be completely honest, it was like reading a book and I wanted to see how it ends! Great job at focusing on your own life, Im in awe. Im pulling for your W to come around bc it sounds like shes missing out smile. Very nice.


M: 43, H: 44
Married 18 yrs, Together 26 yrs
S17, D15, D8, S6
Still living in MH
HelenaJ #2798912 07/01/18 03:31 PM
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Thank you Helena, I appreciate the kind words.

I will read your sitch tonight.


M:52 W:49
D:26 S:24 S:23 D:20
ILYBNILWY 5/28/17
Still living together
W filed 1/5/18
W moved out 8/24/18
D final 9/18/20
bhappy2 #2799014 07/02/18 05:03 AM
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That would be really great. Your story gave me hope that maybe I can get to a place where I know in my heart I will be ok either way, WHILE we are still living in the same house. I desperately need to get where you are and have no idea how. My path cannot be the same as yours as I have smaller children and can't be gone that much (plus I'm simply not that social haha) but somehow I need to make friends and start to have a life outside of H and his family.


M: 43, H: 44
Married 18 yrs, Together 26 yrs
S17, D15, D8, S6
Still living in MH
HelenaJ #2799017 07/02/18 05:09 AM
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Helena, I started reading your sitch last night until my eyes hurt. Sorry you are going through this, remember none of us are perfect. You will have to be as strong as you have ever been. One common theme I see here is that the LBS always tries to talk to the to WAW more than they need to, there really is no reason to contact unless its about kids... period.

I will continue reading you story today...


M:52 W:49
D:26 S:24 S:23 D:20
ILYBNILWY 5/28/17
Still living together
W filed 1/5/18
W moved out 8/24/18
D final 9/18/20
bhappy2 #2801609 07/16/18 10:43 PM
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Updating:

My L finally heard back from W's L and set a date july 26th for a conference with all 4 of us. Within 1 hour I get a call back that the date has been switced to Aug. 13th... Finally going to see what we can get done. All is good and I am peace with this proceeding forward.

W went to a concert last night, an employee appreciation day from her job, she couldnt wait to tell me all about it. It was all music from the 80's and she said she would love to see them again. She looked happy, I didnt focus on her as I did just validating. Since the date has been made W has been very friendy, but nothing more than a friendly neighbor. Thank you to the vets that responded to my thread early on, it made all the difference.

I have been GAL as much as possible and it really has created a lot of opportunities to meet new people and also becoma more active. The social club is just great! I was asked to run a Texas Hold 'em tournament and i agreed to. They need help figuring out prices and prizes. It is going to be a bbq and card night, looking forward to it. Right after I was asked to run the tourny several ladies asked me if we need help cooking, I said of course, the more the merrier.

Jouraling:
I have made so many new friends and there have been a few ladies that have approached me about dating. My responses have been that I am still married and it would not be fair to all involved if we were to date. Not to say we didnt have a great time hanging out but just not ready to go on an official date.

Still have not scheduled the white water rafting but I really want to before the summer is over.

Went to a free outdoor concert this past Tuesday, music wasnt the greatest but the fireworks where just great.

Thurday went to the social club, my favorite bartender was working and she seems to like me. She is 61 years old and is really funny and great to hang out with. So during her time working I asked if she played darts she said no, so I said come on we will play next. We played two guys at the bar and shockingly we won, she said that was the first time she ever won at darts, I said me too...lol. Anyway it was a lot of laughs.

Things are going great I am really starting to enjoy life again, as I write this I am trying to get myself motivated to run a quick 4 miler...ugh... motivation... its really hard sometimes.


M:52 W:49
D:26 S:24 S:23 D:20
ILYBNILWY 5/28/17
Still living together
W filed 1/5/18
W moved out 8/24/18
D final 9/18/20
bhappy2 #2801975 07/18/18 02:29 PM
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How did the conference go?


M: 43, H: 44
Married 18 yrs, Together 26 yrs
S17, D15, D8, S6
Still living in MH
HelenaJ #2802165 07/18/18 11:59 PM
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Conference has been rescheduled for Aug 13th.


M:52 W:49
D:26 S:24 S:23 D:20
ILYBNILWY 5/28/17
Still living together
W filed 1/5/18
W moved out 8/24/18
D final 9/18/20
bhappy2 #2802167 07/19/18 12:25 AM
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Update:

Ok here goes and I hope my memory of the conversation is acurate. W and i were talking today and we have been getting along well the past few months, nothing about R just co existing without and arguments. Our conference date for the two L's and us is set for Aug 13th and I am looking forward to frinding a resultion to this sitch. I am ok either way.

W states that next week she will be going on vacation to a exotic location, with three girls from work. I said OH, when were you going to tell me? She said I am telling you now... I said I really do not think its right that this is the 3rd vacation you are going on since BD and you have not contributed a penny to this house. She said that she pays for the health insurance, I said my share of that is 1/6 let me know how much it is. Its about 30 bucks a week. I pay everything else. I said I am sorry to say but I need you to move out I am not footing the bill for you anymore. Its been 14 months and you could have very easily filed for D at BD and went on your merry way.

I said look, the time has come for you to leave, I believe you are seeing someone else and I will not accept a third person in this M. She insisted that there is no one else just that she wants to be happy and that she has changed from when she was younger. I said thats all good but you want the benefits of being M without being my W. Thants not how this is going to work anymore. She begins tearing up and gets very defensive, starts claiming I am yelling at her. I said clearly I am not yelling, but if you need to be the victim go ahead, have at it. I said I looked over the phone records from last june, interesting the amount of texts you and a certain someone had. Let me use your phone to call him right now... she begins to get more angry and tearing up face swelling...remember the phone is in her name and getting these records was not easy.

I said come clean you will feel better, I will keep your secret no one has to know except me you and OM. She just kept denying, and getting angrier. I said its so simple for you let me use your phone and you can rub my face in the fact that I am wrong. She said absolutely not. I said wow, good b/c now I know everything! I got two messages from two of W's sisters saying they think she is messing around and they are not happy about it.

She went totally silent, getting ready for work and I told her there are going to be some changes that need to be made. We need to tell these adult children what is going on, they need to prepare. Still silent, she then leaves for work an hour and 15 early. GOOD! I finally have hit the limit. She left and I just got done moving all her stuff out of the MBR into the living room. I can only take so much cake eating and I hit my limit about six months ago.

For anyone that wants to criticize the way I handle this all I can say is that it was a long time coming. I have worked way to hard my entire adult life for my family to be treated like this in any way. Her scheduling another vaction was the last boundry.


M:52 W:49
D:26 S:24 S:23 D:20
ILYBNILWY 5/28/17
Still living together
W filed 1/5/18
W moved out 8/24/18
D final 9/18/20
bhappy2 #2802182 07/19/18 01:27 AM
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I'm no expert, but I think you handled it well. I too had a hard time sitting around playing the fool with my W cheating on me. It was pretty obvious, but she still denied it. I also said she could just let me see her phone and prove me wrong, but she clutched on to it like it was full of government secrets. At some point, we LBS's have to take our balls back and just lay everything on the line. I think that's the first step of getting respect back when handled the right way, And I think you did a good job of calmly saying what's been on your mind for quite a while...


Me: 38
W:31
Kids: S16(mine from previous R), D10, S9, S4
M: 10 years
T:12 years
BD:Jan 3, 2018
W moved out: Apr 13,2018
Filed for D: Jun 2018
D final: Sep 2019

"Surrender to the Flow"...
mtb1981 #2802183 07/19/18 01:33 AM
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Thank you MTB, I have read your sitch and you are doing great! Keep it up happiness is just around the corner.


M:52 W:49
D:26 S:24 S:23 D:20
ILYBNILWY 5/28/17
Still living together
W filed 1/5/18
W moved out 8/24/18
D final 9/18/20
bhappy2 #2802184 07/19/18 01:38 AM
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Bh....you have been at this long enough. I can sense your strength and I am proud for you. It feels as though have clarity and you handled the situation well. Good for you!


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
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M:52 W:49
D:26 S:24 S:23 D:20
ILYBNILWY 5/28/17
Still living together
W filed 1/5/18
W moved out 8/24/18
D final 9/18/20
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