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#2780545 03/04/18 10:52 AM
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2014 H came home drunk text appeared on his phone while he was passed out. Discovered PA. I shattered to the core. Lost a lot of my hair my job and realized I loved this man more then myself and had work to do. He couldn’t take seeing me so sick so he moved out. 4 months went by and he agreed to counseling. We went for approx 4 months then he moved back on then no more counseling.
2016 Things seemed good again overall however approx every few months he would go off the grid and come home completely drunk. He worked in NY plus traced a lot due to work.

Fall of 2016 H diagnosed with prostate cancer. December 30th sx. April 2017 H corporate buy out. Next 6 months helped me with my work and we went on some really nice trips, and invested in a class b motor home by October 2017. Plus celebrates our 30th anniversary in Niagara falls. Then end of October came home so inebriated he got aggressive physically so 25 D called police on him so cop took him to sleep off. Found out he resumed a EA with previous W.Next day he agreed to get counseling for himself and said the EM was not going on just a sick curiosity of what she was doing.
November offered a new executive job in Florida. As a family we didn’t think it was a good decision to take but he accepted anyway.

January we decided we needed to get an apartment or but a condo down in Florida. Flew down picked out furniture and house good with him. However he got lease in his name only refused to give me a key and by February he said he is happier living by himself and wants to be alone.
February 13th I fell on black ice fractured my R arm and herniated disc in my back. He came home until my sister was able to come help from out of state then he said he no longer loves me and wants a separation and left. My health got worse and I have lost 30lbs in past 3 weeks as nothing is staying inside me.
Doing my best to make sure I am following up with dr. For now he is paying the bills however since November he has paid 35,000 on credit cards which is so out of character of him and when asked about it and expressed concern H gets defensive and gaslights saying things like I am not a drunk womanizer.
Financially I am concerned because at this rate of spending our savings account will be drained within 6 months. How do I handle that situation if he gets angry when I want to discuss finances?
In the meantime I am not calling texting or emailing and he is 6 states away so I have no idea what is going on but trying to work on my health and well being.
He does email me approx 2 times a week and I try to just be respectful and courteous as I have no idea why he is contacting me if he wants to be left alone and live alone.
H last email was to say hope you are well and I want you to know it’s okay to speak over the phone if I want too and that he doesn’t want me to think I can’t then he says you say hope your okay well I’m not always but I try.

I have no idea what to say or how to respond anymore as HE left me all while I am physically not well and emotionally sad this is happening again. He knows I love him he knows I care he knows I would love to have a healthy adventurous life with him however it’s not what he is saying he wants so why would he think I would want to talk about anything or share anything if he doesn’t want a life with me now?
I have heard him say that I am controlling, nagging, wanting him to fail and feel guilty. His perception of the past and me seems twisted so how am I to resolve as this is not the person I normally know.

I have ordered the DB book, watching Michelle’s videos and trying to understand where I went wrong, how to cope, and what steps I need to do in order to not shatter again all while not giving up on my marriage.

H 50
M 52
D 25
SIL 25
Married 1987
D Day 1st 11/24/2014
Separate 4 month 2015
D Day 2nd 2/13/2018
Separated 2/24/2018

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Welcome to the board

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

Yes first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

and Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htm

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!

Get out and Get a Life (GAL).

DETACH.


Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:

I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072

Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414

Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566

Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554

Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...224#Post2578224

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619

Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon


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Thank you Cadet. Looking forward to healing myself and learning better tools to navigate through this storm in my life.

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Ruhappy,

First of all sorry that you are here, and I thought my W was the only one to do that pay all her debt. W took all savings and checking less than a thousand and took over 20,000 payed her credit cards and school loans while I am crashing literally, I know many of our W or H don't care about the finance but it seems our spouses do. My kids have said W buying a house and getting a new car, I know W has a good job I help put through school but at the moment going to court for child custody and child support and W pays for kids insurance so not sure if W would need to get a 2nd job to support her great life now once chid support kicks in for 3 kids.

Is sad seeing our loved ones care less about the people they once loved.

Keep posting and we are here vent when you have too this helps me mentally I have started meditation and counseling and finding myself again I realize I lost myself trying to make W,successful.

Here we are now. But remember you must

Take it a day at a time


At BD
Lesbian marriage
Me39,W36
S9,D9,S8 adopted all three
Together almost 10yrs
Bomb Drop - April 2017
W movedout - May,2017
OW June,2017
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I thought I'd pop over here and respond to your posting from the MLC Forum. You can post wherever you like. However, it appears that even though Cadet, as a moderator, may have put in a request to have you released from moderation, it has not been reflected over in the forum that I moderate because I am receiving notifications to approve, etc., your postings.

You may, at some point, want to create a thread on the MLC Forum and link your threads from the Newcomers to get more replies over there. But, that is up to you.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Oh thank you job. I am still learning to navigate the pages but will try and repost in MLC.

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Now what do I do: H sister sent this message “Isent my brother a very long text message the other day which I am assuming he might have just deleted and not read. Someone wrote Leila about how damaged she was when her dad walked out and left her mom after 25 years of marriage and commented that she herself was married and had a husband for support but it still greatly effected her .I just copied and pasted her entire story.I reiterated that Dad ended up with deep regrets and very much alone. And I told him about how Rick flew in and out for just a day and how the girls had commented how sad he seemed but they shrugged it off and said that it was his choice to destroy the family.

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Why is he paying all the bills still? If he doesn’t care or love me why would he do that?

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Thank you Marina7, Normally he is a very frugile person and I feel guilty being sick right now not bringing in money until next month. Fear walking on eggshells on how to respond so not to cause any confrontation. Now I am worried about if he thinks it’s my fault his sister is upset with him as he has a way of blaming me for other people’s actions
Did you agree to a formal separation and consult a attorney regarding finances ?
I’m even afraid to open up my own checking etc as I don’t know what to do and still waiting for my book to come in mail. I’m so use to being transparent with him that it is extremely hard to just be cordial and not reveal my thoughts and actions..

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Ruhappy,

Unfortunately about him thinking that his sister is mad because of you is true, your H will blame you for everything and I mean everything so get ready as petty it might sound is going be your fault. Remember is not your fault your dealing with someone who will blame everyone for his problems except himself.
My W got a flat tire it was my fault I got yelled and curse at and was told "this is why we will never get back together" it came a point I started saying it before W said it.
W would use that as a weapon at the beginning it broke me mentally when saying things to me now is like whatever.

Ruhappy one thing I have learned is always protect your finances and kids in my case we where not legally married so W taking all the money and left me with nothing. The only thing I could do was take W to small claim court I figured it was a lesson learn a hard lesson but I learned not to give anyone that much power and authority. I was also very transparent I trusted my W with my LIFE and everything I had. Now I am financially struggling and credit cards W spend before the bd which like all of us I didn't see it coming.

Please protect yourself, even if you work it out in the Marriage protecting your finances has nothing to do with your love for him. All I can say people in WAW or MLC have same patterns they are selfish, self center, constantly shopping and buying new toys.
My W has paid all her cc and school loans so she can buy a house and car and tells our kids she buying a home in California too not sure how W going do this when we have 3 kids and very soon W will be paying child support and medical health and half of any sports or activity. We have 3 kids and another 15yrs of her having to pay child support. I love my W very much God knows I love this women but if we do get back together it will never be the same and I will protect me and my kids before I could think of w and w NEEDS.

Stay strong and don't forget take care of yourself.

Take it a day at a time


At BD
Lesbian marriage
Me39,W36
S9,D9,S8 adopted all three
Together almost 10yrs
Bomb Drop - April 2017
W movedout - May,2017
OW June,2017
Currently 2018
Me40, W38
S10,D10,S9
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The state in which I live does not recognize formal separations. So I need to discuss with attorney I guess on what I am allowed to do legally. I am truly sorry to hear of all the pain you are going through too. I guess I forgave too quickly and my trust was restored but then torn down again and maybe I was blinded by what I thought we had together. Life is so short so why fight or keep score so I tried to always explain my concerns and fears along with compliments and attitude of gratitude by it was either too much or too little. So now when I insist on getting finances legally separated I need to be strong via email by phone or text and say;
This is who I am without you, and even though I don’t want to be alone and even though I’d rather be with you, I will choose to be without you and I will get on with my life until you show me that you want a real marriage. all the while feeling like I am dying inside and hating the fact that $ is a necessity and must be kept separate from my heart. Trying to remember believe nothing what he says and 1/2 of what he does rule. Thank you all for your support. Will let you know how the legal conversation goes. Don’t know if I have to file a bed and board divorce since state doesn’t recognize legal separations and wondering now how to deal with in laws as I’ve known all them for 30+ years and love them all.

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I am trying to just keep the finance problem/ concerns in context and not blowout of proportion or ignore it. Thus separate finances appear the prudent option right now so I consulted a attorney regarding separation.
I was advised I am entitled to take 1/2 of Savings and also okay with me opening up Checking account to put any of future paychecks in. I would need check with H to find out about if legal separation agreement done if his employer will allow Hkeep me on insurance while separated . If divorced by Dec 2018 then alimony is taxable for me H he can deduct off his taxes. If he plans on establishing residency in Other stage Hcan file for divorce by June. Any and all debt incurred by either party while married both people are responsible for so the Cc bills he is charging is a mute point. The biggest protection by me filing a complaint for divorce is freezing of marital assets from the date filed so neither party can no longer take out of accounts. As for the house there is about 60,000 in equity so if either person wanted to keep One of us would owe 30,000 to other person or we could sell and split proceeds as for 401k and pension that would be divided equally. As for autos a fair division agreed upon.
The attorney advises the longer I wait to file the greater risk I have in losing finances and proving he spent money outside of marriage that was above reasonable. I have not spoken to H in person or by phone since 2/13 so I thought I send a email stating I know you said it was okay with you if we talked via phone just wondering what your intentions are for the future of our relationship. If your not 100% sure would you want to share your thoughts with me? I do care and I am here to listen. As I am not sure if I am to still not engage. Heart and financial logic are too much to handle and fearful of doing the wrong thing. Any advise?

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a email response from H that simply said taxes fed exes tueday accountant should get Thursday copy of picture attached.

It’s almost like he just wants me to file D so he doesn’t look like the bad guy.

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Has anyone ever said to the mlc or wa spouse choose me or lose me I am not a back up plan and definitely not a 2nd option?

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Yes, always we are not back up plan W/H they will do temperature check when my W seen me pull away she would rub my hand or arm one time she went grocery shopping and showed me everything she got this was like a month or two after leaving it was mind blowing. Now after 10months is the same story my W has a pattern W is gas lighting if not me is one of my kids or she sometimes super nice it makes me wonder what she wants or what is W up to.

Ruhappy please protect your finances no matter what your H says or do they always lie protect you. A yr from now you will see why you had too I was the same way with W all I wanted was for us to be a family and W is just thinking about herself W rack up CC. Take care of you right now your H is gone.


At BD
Lesbian marriage
Me39,W36
S9,D9,S8 adopted all three
Together almost 10yrs
Bomb Drop - April 2017
W movedout - May,2017
OW June,2017
Currently 2018
Me40, W38
S10,D10,S9
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Originally Posted By: ruhappy
Has anyone ever said to the mlc or wa spouse choose me or lose me I am not a back up plan and definitely not a 2nd option?

ruhappy, if you want to speed up D, then that is something you should say. Otherwise, you shouldn't initiate R talks.

But it is your choice and if you decide to do it, you should have a plan of how to proceed in case he either doesn't respond (likely) or repeats his "I no longer love you". He will 99,99 % not tell you what you want to hear. So please, think it through.


M:46 WXW:40
T:20 M:13
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D:12/14/16
OM confirmed 01/20/17
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Thank you it seems the only way financially I can protect myself financially is file go divorce since state I live in doesn’t recognize legal separation problem is medical insurance needed due to my health is not good right now

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Thank you Byrow, yes thinking through as I would like nothing more than a happy healthy marriage however financially and insurance matters are a huge concern right now as I am no spring chicken and have some medical matters so taking care of me and living this man is 2 conflicting matters

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INA
He sent me an email saying :
am available to talk Monday or Tuesday, I have to travel the remainder of the week.

So do just say “okay. I hope you have safe travel”
Or What do I say ????

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He just emailed me again and said he will call at 7 tonight if oksy

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Well he called twice actually tonight the 1st he said hello I said hello and he asked how are you and I said I’m good so then he hung up. Then 15 min later he called back and said he had to plug phone in I said okay. He asked where I was at I said upstairs. He said who is there. I said Sister is at a meeting and Brother in law just got home from work and making himself dinner. He said okay.
He said work has been busy with weather. I said I imagine so.
He said how is your medical stuff I said tackling one thing at a time and he ask did you see neurologist surgeon yet I said yes I go back to him on 20th. He said okay.
He said well you wanted to talk about finances. I said yes I did before. He said well I’m not stealing anything. I said didn’t say you were just wanted to go over statements.
I said just need to know the plan.
He said well the plan is I am paying the bills because they are my responsibility and you need medical coverage so I am not going to be shitty like you think I am and leave you without coverage.I said I didn’t say you were shitty and thank you for letting me know.
He said well I know you don’t trust me and I don’t trust you but I don’t want you to be scared.
I said please don’t assume anything about me and honestly yes I was scarred because it took me off guard when you didn’t give me key to place, said your happier alone and didn’t
want to sleep in bed with me and then left. He said where did you hear that from me. I said yes. He said okay.He I know you think I am not right in the head but actually I am doing much better and when you came down to Florida it sealed the deal. I said you mean the full blown panic attack from me & being sick. He said it was more than that and you hate Florida. So I said okay.
He said I didn’t call to argue and I said I’m not arguing just trying to find solution and understanding.I said if this isn’t a good time to talk we can talk another time.He said well I don’t what or who is listening or what point your trying to make. I said Scott I see it differently but understand your feelings. He said what do you understand? I said that your not happy and rather be alone. I just wanted to know the game plan on finances.He said well if you feel we need to discuss a separation of assets so you feel safe we can.I said well have you spoken to anyone formally about it and he said no as I am not in nj and neither are you and I don’t know if I can get back to nj for a few weeks and I need to text Lorraine to tell her not to kill herself shoveling a unoccupied house.
I said would you like me to talk with an attorney. He said if that makes you feel safer as I’m not stealing money I fact the cc Bill is less this month and will be less next month and I been using another cc since mine was stolen and I gave to Stacy. I said okay well my new card hasn’t come in yet and I haven’t touched accounts as I want sure if you were serious about me taking most the savings getting my own checking etc or just annoyed and venting. I said I haven’t seen statements. He said well I haven’t spoken to anyone Amy! I sent the taxes to Deb I said okay thank you.
I said so your gonna keep paying bills, mail the statements to me and let me know about stock options.He said yes but I am not going to have to answer to you.
I said not asking you too however the 401k savings assets and debts are mine too so I have a right to know and it sounds like your annoyed so we can talk another time.I said hope you have a good work week and he said okay hope your medical visit go well and I said thanks bye and hung up.

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Now he just sent a email I’m glad your health is improving, I will send you fidelity statement in the morning so you may see current value. I have not exercised anything to date.

I have not responded. I feel so very sad that he is angry not able to trust me and goes from calm to annoyance to quickly and almost feel like he wants an apology or acknowledgement that I hurt him by not trusting him, nagging him questioning him, being disrespectful and yet then again is it his perception or half truths . So very sad

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Ruhappy,
All WAW or MLC can't deal with stress is one of there many triggers trust me is crazy how our S can go from being calm like no worries or like nothing happen but as soon as you hit them with reality our S they put wall back up and anger I myself is goiing on 11months and see this with my W. I honestly have learn this it has taken me time but have now answer with one word only here is an example of mine.

W how is d9 back she fell and I know she was crying
Me d9 is GOOD
W thank you
Me welcome

I know for someone like you and me this might be hard to do but right now as you can see our S get angry very easily they can't deal with the reality of life the day to day basis so remember you are the grown up. Just imagine your dealing with a teenager your not going sit there and argue with a kid just listen and say ok. I know all this sounds crazy but actually is going help you keep your insanity. Don't let your H upset you especially with your health take care of yourself always.

When your H said where you at or what you doing or who is there and you answer his questions your giving H the power over you. I read somewhere you got fired from being his W so you no longer have to respond as a wife if it has nothing to do with finances then there's nothing else to talk about unless H says am ready to talk about our R. Which I can tell you, you just started this rollercoaster ride your H is just doing a Temp check making sure he still having you on a hook. Keep reading as you will see all WAW or MLC have same patterns. Protect your finances PLEASE


At BD
Lesbian marriage
Me39,W36
S9,D9,S8 adopted all three
Together almost 10yrs
Bomb Drop - April 2017
W movedout - May,2017
OW June,2017
Currently 2018
Me40, W38
S10,D10,S9
Joined: Mar 2018
Posts: 47
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Read this and thought how appropriate ....
You don’t get over it,
you just get through it.
You don’t get by it,
because you can’t
get around it.
It doesn’t ‘get better’;
it just gets different.
Everyday… Grief puts
on a new face…
– Wendy Feireisen

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When is a good time to reach out to H?
I like to tell him and ask him :
A goal I would like to achieve is to decrease or eliminate hurtful and destructive interactions and increase pleasant times together and to do so as quickly and painlessly as possible. While we have different perspectives I was thinking back to times when we got along and how differently we acted towards each other. We use to spend more time together, we loved being together and it actually didn’t matter what we were doing.We made each other feel important, we talk a lot about what was going in the world and mutually respected each others jobs and interest. I have no interest in focusing on the past, holding grudges or resentment.

What is different about the times when we get along ? What was I dong differently? What did the two of us like doing together when he felt we had good times? Is it fair to think that each others should try to meet each others specific needs to find a common ground but also understand it doesn’t mean it should be only my way or only his way.

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My state does not have legal separation per attorney . If I file for bed and board divorce his employer does not have to cover me under medical insurance. While I am receiving medical treatment he is paying all the bills but also running up large credit card debt each month on I don’t know what because I haven’t seen statements since January when I asked initially. He is paying for cc balances now out if our savings.
I have only spoken too him 2 x since feb 13th and when he emails asking anything I am respectful but short and to the point.
I know if I question this latest transfer of money and cc bill I will be met with anger and gas lighting as this is how it started in January. Thus the reason I am nor confronting or engaging anymore as I have enough going on with Troy g to get healthy again.

Don’t want a divorce, don’t want savings drained, need medical coverage right now, grateful he is paying the bills sooo what do I do? Say nothing or just have the attorney file for bed and board divorce and take my chance?
Desparetly need to know the right answer.

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