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#2780545 03/04/18 10:52 AM
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ruhappy Offline OP
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2014 H came home drunk text appeared on his phone while he was passed out. Discovered PA. I shattered to the core. Lost a lot of my hair my job and realized I loved this man more then myself and had work to do. He couldn’t take seeing me so sick so he moved out. 4 months went by and he agreed to counseling. We went for approx 4 months then he moved back on then no more counseling.
2016 Things seemed good again overall however approx every few months he would go off the grid and come home completely drunk. He worked in NY plus traced a lot due to work.

Fall of 2016 H diagnosed with prostate cancer. December 30th sx. April 2017 H corporate buy out. Next 6 months helped me with my work and we went on some really nice trips, and invested in a class b motor home by October 2017. Plus celebrates our 30th anniversary in Niagara falls. Then end of October came home so inebriated he got aggressive physically so 25 D called police on him so cop took him to sleep off. Found out he resumed a EA with previous W.Next day he agreed to get counseling for himself and said the EM was not going on just a sick curiosity of what she was doing.
November offered a new executive job in Florida. As a family we didn’t think it was a good decision to take but he accepted anyway.

January we decided we needed to get an apartment or but a condo down in Florida. Flew down picked out furniture and house good with him. However he got lease in his name only refused to give me a key and by February he said he is happier living by himself and wants to be alone.
February 13th I fell on black ice fractured my R arm and herniated disc in my back. He came home until my sister was able to come help from out of state then he said he no longer loves me and wants a separation and left. My health got worse and I have lost 30lbs in past 3 weeks as nothing is staying inside me.
Doing my best to make sure I am following up with dr. For now he is paying the bills however since November he has paid 35,000 on credit cards which is so out of character of him and when asked about it and expressed concern H gets defensive and gaslights saying things like I am not a drunk womanizer.
Financially I am concerned because at this rate of spending our savings account will be drained within 6 months. How do I handle that situation if he gets angry when I want to discuss finances?
In the meantime I am not calling texting or emailing and he is 6 states away so I have no idea what is going on but trying to work on my health and well being.
He does email me approx 2 times a week and I try to just be respectful and courteous as I have no idea why he is contacting me if he wants to be left alone and live alone.
H last email was to say hope you are well and I want you to know it’s okay to speak over the phone if I want too and that he doesn’t want me to think I can’t then he says you say hope your okay well I’m not always but I try.

I have no idea what to say or how to respond anymore as HE left me all while I am physically not well and emotionally sad this is happening again. He knows I love him he knows I care he knows I would love to have a healthy adventurous life with him however it’s not what he is saying he wants so why would he think I would want to talk about anything or share anything if he doesn’t want a life with me now?
I have heard him say that I am controlling, nagging, wanting him to fail and feel guilty. His perception of the past and me seems twisted so how am I to resolve as this is not the person I normally know.

I have ordered the DB book, watching Michelle’s videos and trying to understand where I went wrong, how to cope, and what steps I need to do in order to not shatter again all while not giving up on my marriage.

H 50
M 52
D 25
SIL 25
Married 1987
D Day 1st 11/24/2014
Separate 4 month 2015
D Day 2nd 2/13/2018
Separated 2/24/2018

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Welcome to the board

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

Yes first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

and Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htm

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!

Get out and Get a Life (GAL).

DETACH.


Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:

I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072

Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414

Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566

Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554

Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...224#Post2578224

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619

Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon


Me-70, D37,S36
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ruhappy Offline OP
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Thank you Cadet. Looking forward to healing myself and learning better tools to navigate through this storm in my life.

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Ruhappy,

First of all sorry that you are here, and I thought my W was the only one to do that pay all her debt. W took all savings and checking less than a thousand and took over 20,000 payed her credit cards and school loans while I am crashing literally, I know many of our W or H don't care about the finance but it seems our spouses do. My kids have said W buying a house and getting a new car, I know W has a good job I help put through school but at the moment going to court for child custody and child support and W pays for kids insurance so not sure if W would need to get a 2nd job to support her great life now once chid support kicks in for 3 kids.

Is sad seeing our loved ones care less about the people they once loved.

Keep posting and we are here vent when you have too this helps me mentally I have started meditation and counseling and finding myself again I realize I lost myself trying to make W,successful.

Here we are now. But remember you must

Take it a day at a time


At BD
Lesbian marriage
Me39,W36
S9,D9,S8 adopted all three
Together almost 10yrs
Bomb Drop - April 2017
W movedout - May,2017
OW June,2017
Currently 2018
Me40, W38
S10,D10,S9
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
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job Offline
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I thought I'd pop over here and respond to your posting from the MLC Forum. You can post wherever you like. However, it appears that even though Cadet, as a moderator, may have put in a request to have you released from moderation, it has not been reflected over in the forum that I moderate because I am receiving notifications to approve, etc., your postings.

You may, at some point, want to create a thread on the MLC Forum and link your threads from the Newcomers to get more replies over there. But, that is up to you.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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ruhappy Offline OP
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Oh thank you job. I am still learning to navigate the pages but will try and repost in MLC.

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ruhappy Offline OP
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Now what do I do: H sister sent this message “Isent my brother a very long text message the other day which I am assuming he might have just deleted and not read. Someone wrote Leila about how damaged she was when her dad walked out and left her mom after 25 years of marriage and commented that she herself was married and had a husband for support but it still greatly effected her .I just copied and pasted her entire story.I reiterated that Dad ended up with deep regrets and very much alone. And I told him about how Rick flew in and out for just a day and how the girls had commented how sad he seemed but they shrugged it off and said that it was his choice to destroy the family.

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ruhappy Offline OP
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Why is he paying all the bills still? If he doesn’t care or love me why would he do that?

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ruhappy Offline OP
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Thank you Marina7, Normally he is a very frugile person and I feel guilty being sick right now not bringing in money until next month. Fear walking on eggshells on how to respond so not to cause any confrontation. Now I am worried about if he thinks it’s my fault his sister is upset with him as he has a way of blaming me for other people’s actions
Did you agree to a formal separation and consult a attorney regarding finances ?
I’m even afraid to open up my own checking etc as I don’t know what to do and still waiting for my book to come in mail. I’m so use to being transparent with him that it is extremely hard to just be cordial and not reveal my thoughts and actions..

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Ruhappy,

Unfortunately about him thinking that his sister is mad because of you is true, your H will blame you for everything and I mean everything so get ready as petty it might sound is going be your fault. Remember is not your fault your dealing with someone who will blame everyone for his problems except himself.
My W got a flat tire it was my fault I got yelled and curse at and was told "this is why we will never get back together" it came a point I started saying it before W said it.
W would use that as a weapon at the beginning it broke me mentally when saying things to me now is like whatever.

Ruhappy one thing I have learned is always protect your finances and kids in my case we where not legally married so W taking all the money and left me with nothing. The only thing I could do was take W to small claim court I figured it was a lesson learn a hard lesson but I learned not to give anyone that much power and authority. I was also very transparent I trusted my W with my LIFE and everything I had. Now I am financially struggling and credit cards W spend before the bd which like all of us I didn't see it coming.

Please protect yourself, even if you work it out in the Marriage protecting your finances has nothing to do with your love for him. All I can say people in WAW or MLC have same patterns they are selfish, self center, constantly shopping and buying new toys.
My W has paid all her cc and school loans so she can buy a house and car and tells our kids she buying a home in California too not sure how W going do this when we have 3 kids and very soon W will be paying child support and medical health and half of any sports or activity. We have 3 kids and another 15yrs of her having to pay child support. I love my W very much God knows I love this women but if we do get back together it will never be the same and I will protect me and my kids before I could think of w and w NEEDS.

Stay strong and don't forget take care of yourself.

Take it a day at a time


At BD
Lesbian marriage
Me39,W36
S9,D9,S8 adopted all three
Together almost 10yrs
Bomb Drop - April 2017
W movedout - May,2017
OW June,2017
Currently 2018
Me40, W38
S10,D10,S9
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