I want to explain how things went to this. I had informed W earlier that, on monday when we were ment to swap places, I didn't have any other plans than MC by myself. Later W told me that the A was over. The OM actually ended it. He wanted a real R and W couldn't offer that. And then W told me she had had arhytmias for a couple of weeks when she had these crying"attacks". I told her that this is not doing to work anymore and you need help. I then asked if she wanted to go to MC and talk. She said yes, I really need that. And now we are here.
Me:39 W:36 S:12 D:9 T:14 M:11 Separation:sep. 1 2017 D filed oct. 2017 D finalized july 2018 OM confirmed feb 2018 D finalized July 2018
The fact is this. You have to be in pain before you can learn.
Petri, it makes sense what you're saying and this is what my husband says too. But in your case I think you mean it whereas I don't know if my husband means it. Right now your wife is ready to try again and my husband isn't, but I really want to see how your situation plays out. I hope you don't just leave this board one day when things get better. It would be very helpful if you keep us posted.
If your wife willing to counseling and actually goes consistently then that's a good sign. This is a very fragile time because it sounds like there is hope now, and this is a dream-come-true for you to possibly avoid losing everything and keeping your family together. It will require a lot of careful thought and planning for sure. If your wife is only sorry to lose OM but not completely sorry for her own actions, and doesn't want to fix herself, then there's only so much progress to be made. Like Sandi says, if you don't fix the issues completely now your wife could do this again. That's what happened to my husband and I. If you do this right you may very well have a wonderful fifty years ahead with your wife so it's worth taking the time to focus on your long-term goals and take your time with the reconciliation process.
You will also likely start to feel very angry with your wife after the initial happiness of having her return wears off. You may want to start planning for how you'll deal with that anger and resentment in a positive way. It's hard to think that far ahead, but when my husband returned the first time I was the happiest person on Earth and suddenly life made sense again. Then as time went by I would turn my cheek when he went to kiss it or I wouldn't say hi to him when he came home because I was still devastated thinking about his affair, especially when I found additional old evidence later on. I also didn't trust him and didn't treat him well, which made him think it was a mistake to return home, and everything collapsed which is why we're now facing divorce.
I hope you can avoid these issues. I'd do anything in the world to turn back the clock and avoid them in my marriage.
And there is one thing I've decided also. I want to go through with the D. Get a clean slate on things.
I don't usually give advice about selling houses, etc. But this mentality about getting a D, concerns me. I think I know what you mean by starting over with a clean slate. The board often encourages the LBS to accept their M is dead and think of starting over like a new MR. But, gee whiz.....you don't have to get a D to do it. Wouldn't it be cheaper to renew your vows, after you go to counseling and date for a period of time? I think getting a D at this time, could prevent her from getting the help she needs......or going through the work she should do. Holding out, before going back to living under the same roof as man & wife....would give more incentive, IMHO. However, if she resumes the A or gets OM#2, then filing for a D might be the thing to do.
Let me share my thoughts about wiping the slate clean and starting new. From my personal experience and from what I've gleaned from other stories with a WW, it's just not that simple......to wipe the slate clean and start over fresh. For the WW, it is a process. And some H's have feelings that hit after the W reconciles with him. So, seeing a D as a solution to wipe the slate clean and start a new M, does not guarantee old feelings and memories of the past won't haunt from time to time. It is wise to heal emotionally and equip yourself with new R skills.
When my DIL's labor pains became more intense, she announced that she had changed her mind and wanted to go back home. The doctor informed her she was having a baby before going home. I am reminded of this when I think of WW's having to go through the painful process that lies ahead. It would be nice if women could bypass the morning sickness and all the nine months preceding the birth of a child. It would be great not to experience the pain involved in giving birth........but it just isn't that way. However, the end results are so worth it, and that's the focus of a pregnancy. I see a WW's work much the same way, and that's why I harp to H's who want to make it too easy on their WW and rescue her from the hard labor. She won't likely produce the bundle of love he hoping, if he interrupts her labor process.
It is a hard process for the WW to get herself straightened out. And some WW's will want to back out when it gets hard. The WW got to the place of rebellion b/c she clung to old resentments and her disrespect for her H continued to grow. There's a lot of negative feelings she has to deal with. Pushing them down, or pretending they don't exsist, doesn't work. So for her, she can't just wipe the slate clean. Before she can clean the slate, she has to learn how to forgive her H for past issues, and how to let go of those old disappointments and grudges. Getting therapy to guide her through this inner work, should help her....but she may not process/change at the rate her H desires. Getting a D sounds like a pricey approach, and not even a solution to healing. But that's just my opinion.
For me, it took time to get the information I needed to deal with my feelings toward my H. I mean, I was coming to the board every day and it still took close to two years (after the A ended), and I was reading books about healing, infidelity, etc.......before I could turn lose of my anger and stop blaming my H about past issues. For women who are getting nothing to help heal and change their mindset, I don't think a D is going to do it for them wipe the slate and start over.....and expect a different outcome. They have to be willing to make the necessary changes, to have a loving and happy MR.........and they have to understand it starts with her changing her heart, just as much as the H has to change some of his ways. How will a D do that work that?
If your W's affair has just ended, she hasn't even gone through the withdrawals yet.m If she can make it through, without contacting the OM or starting another A.......then hopefully, IC/MC can help her.
If I were you, I would not make any quick decisions about the house or getting a D. One of your problems, Petri, has been to do an action that brought some desired response from her. So, just stay relaxed and Fonzie cool. No sudden decisions. Don't pour emotional pressure on her, and, don't pursue her!
((hugs))
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thanks for that! I really don't know when the A ended. She told me that the man will not have any A with her anymore. And I'm starting to wonder if this is just throwing crumbs again. She couldn't meet my conditions so the house will stay for sale. Like I said she isn't out of WW land.
Me:39 W:36 S:12 D:9 T:14 M:11 Separation:sep. 1 2017 D filed oct. 2017 D finalized july 2018 OM confirmed feb 2018 D finalized July 2018
The fact is this. You have to be in pain before you can learn.
You are correct. It has turned from PA to some sort of EA apparrently. W just texted me that there will be no A with the OM. And that she seems to keep hurting everyone around her so she needs to be alone. And that she needs to get her head straight in IC to get the OM out of her head.
Me:39 W:36 S:12 D:9 T:14 M:11 Separation:sep. 1 2017 D filed oct. 2017 D finalized july 2018 OM confirmed feb 2018 D finalized July 2018
The fact is this. You have to be in pain before you can learn.
OM did end the A. I mentioned that earlier. OM got tired of the girls gone wild she's been doing again. That's what she told me. And he wanted more but she couldn't give that.
Me:39 W:36 S:12 D:9 T:14 M:11 Separation:sep. 1 2017 D filed oct. 2017 D finalized july 2018 OM confirmed feb 2018 D finalized July 2018
The fact is this. You have to be in pain before you can learn.
I am reminded of this when I think of WW's having to go through the painful process that lies ahead. It would be nice if women could bypass the morning sickness and all the nine months preceding the birth of a child. It would be great not to experience the pain involved in giving birth........but it just isn't that way. However, the end results are so worth it, and that's the focus of a pregnancy. I see a WW's work much the same way, and that's why I harp to H's who want to make it too easy on their WW and rescue her from the hard labor. She won't likely produce the bundle of love he hoping, if he interrupts her labor process.