Getting ready to move forward #3

[petri]

It's been some days so time for some update. Ws A has ended. She is a total emotional wreck. Her finances are a mess. But I'm still kicking on and moving forward as planned.

[petri]

W is now starting IC. She admits that she has lost it completely. But she now asked if we could put the house sale on hold. So she can figure things out. I told her that I have conditions regarding that before I can even think about it. She needs to cut all ties to OM and convince me that it has happened, stop with the girls gone wild act and basically get her head straight.

Any thoughts?

[HSK]

I think you are right, the cutting ties is an absolute deal breaker. That has to happen or you have nothing. I would say a discussion about needs might be helpful. What do you need ie respect, loyalty, honesty and then what does she need - whatever she may need. See if you can understand some basic needs first and be very clear about unacceptable behaviors.

[NicoleR]

Petri, this is amazing news!!! I'm so happy to hear that your wife is returning to normal. I can't believe how much suffering she put you through but that's so great to think she may receive treatment and there may be hope. This gives the rest of us hope too for our situations. I really look forward to hearing how things progress!

[NicoleR]

I realized I forgot to share thoughts about what you should do. It seems in the beginning, for a few instances, just re-connecting would be helpful. Just sharing positive updates about your life, telling a joke, perhaps going to a coffee shop and not talking about anything too serious....you can test the water and then start to lay out your conditions and make it clear that everything is contingent right now on how she behaves. Perhaps you don't need to make any promise about the house just yet. It seems that your wife will need to spend a long time getting treatment and fixing her life before you can be convinced that it's worth another shot (even though inside you must be so happy), so maybe the house needs to be sold anyway for financial reasons during that time? I don't know your personal situation but I can just tell you that I went through this with my husband two years ago and I took him back too easily and now he's gone again. It's worth losing your house to fix your marriage for the long-term.

[sandi2]

Don't rush her. It will take her time to sort her feelings out, get over OM. And realize she wants her M again.

This is the stage that H's get really antsy to get back together. Remember, she has to work to get you back, or she will be wish-washy in the relationship.

She has to be the one to pursue you. When she interacts with you, don't be cold, Petri. But hold her no closer than arms length, until you feel she has her head together and really wants to work on the MR. Even then, I suggest you don't hurry back to live under the same roof. Although she may see an IC, I strongly encourage you both to see a professional who works with couples healing from an affair. If you don't have guidance, it narrows the likelihood of making it back full way.

This is great, that she has ended the A, if she stops her GGW behavior. That's her decision to make, and she needs to do without pressure from you. Otherwise, she will feel that lifestyle beckoning her.

BTW, unless she asks, don't be too quick to give her your list of stipulations she must meet in order to reconcile the MR. This is another mistake some H's make. But it was right that you told her you had certain conditions to meet. She doesn't need to simply assume you are ready to run back into her arms, until she has proven to you she is through with the wayward behavior.

When her willingness--behavior--words--attitude consistently match with what you need to see in her in order to believe she truly wants to work to save her M.......then that will be a good "sign" that she is trying. I can't stress enough that she has to pursue you, and work to get you back......or once you're back, she is likely to put you through this a second time.

[petri]

Home is where the heart is. This house doesn't matter so much. She isn't out of the WW land yet. And if we were to try again we need to live separately anyways. But there is a lot of change in her. Some subtle some not. Some positive some not. But I am very happy inside. And I am glad I was able to keep my cool and not show it to her. And there is one thing I've decided also. I want to go through with the D. Get a clean slate on things.

[petri]

Sandi.

What's your take on the house? Should I agree to put it on hold? If she can come in terms with my conditions.

[NicoleR]

Petri, please can you share what you mean by going through with the divorce to get a clean slate? Meaning you want to proceed with divorce but still want to fix things with your wife and you'd re-marry her? This sounds exactly like what my husband proposed but I don't understand the logic. It'd be interesting to hear more about your thoughts on this.

[petri]

Nicole.

I think it's more a mental thing. Leaving the old behind and starting with new. And maybe remarry. Start dating again. Start building new foundations brick by brick. But that is all thinking way ahead. First we need to see what happens with W. And the house...I just don't know what to do.