Petri, I can relate a lot to how you're feeling. Perhaps you can't forgive yourself all at once but you can start on that path. I keep thinking of taking notecards and writing each apology to my husband on each one and keeping them in a box. I don't know if I'd ever give them to him, but at least those apologies and regrets are recorded and documented. It's so hard when you understand these things after it's too late, but I hope maybe in five or ten years we'll be in a different place in our lives where maybe we and our spouses can talk again and forgive each other and be friends or even try again. I really hope for that.
I'm going through this book Radical Self-Forgiveness. If it's anything like Radical Forgiveness, I am about to be amazed. I went through the Radical Forgiveness exercises and wow. The feeling is amazing.
Me:39 W:36 S:12 D:9 T:14 M:11 Separation:sep. 1 2017 D filed oct. 2017 D finalized july 2018 OM confirmed feb 2018 D finalized July 2018
The fact is this. You have to be in pain before you can learn.
I spent today with MIL. She was at our house while I was there. W was at the cottage with kids. I started convo with MIL asking has she already met the new son-in-law recruit. That somewhat broke the ice between us. MIL said that she had suspected something but didn't think W would be that stupid to start an affair. MIL started talking what she thought about all this. She and FIL don't understand Ws choices. She wondered what crisis W is in and W has "lost it". I told her that it doesn't matter why this is happening. It is happening and we have to deal with it as it is. MIL hoped that W would go and get help for herself. They are worried about W. I told that so am I but this is something she has go through by herself. MIL ended the convo by asking/saying this isn't going to end well for W when she realizes what has happened, is it?
It was a good convo. There was no accusing, kept it neutral. We both brought up worry for W but understood that there is nothing we can do. I know sandi's rules "forbid" contacting in-laws. But I think those are more of pleading and crying to them to try to influence W. These was not that type of convo.
Me:39 W:36 S:12 D:9 T:14 M:11 Separation:sep. 1 2017 D filed oct. 2017 D finalized july 2018 OM confirmed feb 2018 D finalized July 2018
The fact is this. You have to be in pain before you can learn.
I have told in previous thread that W has told MIL about the OM. MIL said that before she knew she had suspected that W has an A. But didn't hink W would be that stupid. I wouldn't of brought it up if I hadn't known MIL knew about it.
Me:39 W:36 S:12 D:9 T:14 M:11 Separation:sep. 1 2017 D filed oct. 2017 D finalized july 2018 OM confirmed feb 2018 D finalized July 2018
The fact is this. You have to be in pain before you can learn.
It was a risky move. B/c when W told me that her mom knows about it, she hadn't actually told her. MIL heard about it a week ago. W told me MIL knows almost three weeks ago.
Me:39 W:36 S:12 D:9 T:14 M:11 Separation:sep. 1 2017 D filed oct. 2017 D finalized july 2018 OM confirmed feb 2018 D finalized July 2018
The fact is this. You have to be in pain before you can learn.
It was a good convo. There was no accusing, kept it neutral. We both brought up worry for W but understood that there is nothing we can do. I know sandi's rules "forbid" contacting in-laws
No, it doesn't. It says not ask for help from family and friends, and not to discuss private matters that would upset the spouse.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
