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Probably the wrong way to think, but i feel that if the truth comes out she will at least have to acknowledge and maybd that will help to accelerate our recovery


Here is what I suspect how you see all of this in your mind, maybe subconsciously. If the cards are laid out with the truth staring her in the face, then logically speaking, she'd almost have to admit it. Once she admits it, the MR can begin to heal. Do I have it about right?

There have been many stories posted about H's who would confront the WW with solid evidence (printed text messages, photos, tape recordings, etc), and she would still deny it. There are some WW's who will admit part of the truth, or it will trickle out a little at a time. Some WW's confess to a level less than the full truth. In other words, she may say they only kissed a couple of times, when in reality they slept together. I remember a few stories where the H told of his WW confessing that she met with OM to have sex, but then couldn't go through with it b/c she was thinking about him. I just don't buy it. One LBH told how his WW claimed she & OM were having intercourse and she stops and goes home b/c she just felt so bad about what she was doing to her H. All of that stuff is WW b.s.

Anyway, back to her admitting to the truth, the point I wanted to make with you is at the point of confrontation, the WW very rarely agrees to what the H wants. What I'm saying is you cannot assume that confessing the truth will automatically end their A and start recovering the M. Yes, of course that would be the first step.......but I just don't want you thinking this is going to happen that easily. I remember exceptional few cases where the WW confessed the truth and told the H she would do whatever was necessary to save the M. Even then, they didn't stick to it.

From what I remember in most accounts, the WW would go to what she saw as being the next step in ending the M. I am being very realistic, b/c I don't want you putting all your hope into believing recovering the MR automatically begins if she admits the truth if/when she's confronted. Prepare for her to suggest separation......and maybe even start the paperwork for D. That doesn't mean your M will never be saved. Sometimes, these are just steps in getting there. So, whenever this "doesn't feel like DBing", tell yourself this can still get you to where you want to be.

Not to discourage you, but as to inform you and so you won't be totally caught unprepared........you need to realize how differently she views all of this. Many H's see confronting the WW as the beginning of repairing the MR. Although that would be necessary in reconciling..........he seems to overlook the fact she is not interested in saving it. Therefore, what's his next move? You have to think outside the lines. I've seen so many guys get pumped about confronting the WW and getting to hear her admit her A. But that's where his plan stopped, b/c he didn't think in terms that she wouldn't want to continue the M.

Just to be clear, I am on your side, and I hear you saying it is important to know for certain about the A, and that she admits it. You are not wrong to need this. FWIW, I would feel the same way as you.

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Just to maks sure that im clear on doing everything for her. I should stop doing everything but just my share and leave the rest? Ehat should i do if she doesnt do her part. For example, grocery shopping...obviously that has to be done at some point? Should i say something to her, ask her nicely, or just let her know that im not doing it?


Well, you have to stay balanced in your thinking here. I am saying if you do all of the housework, cooking, yard word, laundry, shopping, etc............what is left for her to do? See what I mean? If you are doing all the chores to make things easier for her.....then stop it. If you are doing it all to make her feel better, and hopefully, put her in a better mood.......then stop it. If you are doing all the work to influence her feelings toward you......then stop it. If you are doing all the work b/c she act likes an entitled princess.....then stop it. (Do I need to keep going, or do you get the picture? wink ). You and the kids shouldn't go without food in the house just b/c she's too sorry to go to the grocery store. Use common sense on some of these. And, he!! no, don't ask her nicely. Does the woman not even know what her job is at home? If you've always done everything for the princess......then maybe she doesn't. tired Honestly, you nice guys! No wonder she doesn't respect you. (Assuming you have always done everything for her, or so that she didn't have to do it......which equals to the same thing). And, please don't tell me it's b/c you love doing all that work. Anyway, make sure you and your son have clean clothes and something to eat. As for telling her you aren't doing it any more........hummmm, don't you think she would figure it out? I do believe it might be the response if she gets pi$$y about it not getting done. Don't make a speech about it, just say it.

Since this seems complicated (for several nice guys, I might add), maybe I should state this way........don't go out of your way to clean up her mess, or to see that she has something to eat, or that she has clean clothes to wear, or that her car has been serviced.........see what I mean? Stop taking care of her, b/c she has fired you. Don't be her personal assistant, like celebrities have. Oh, and when you pull back, she'll probably get pi$$ed, so just expect it......but don't start making some type of pronouncement, or giving explanations, etc. Just let her get upset. She needs to put on her big girl panties and do it herself.

Wow! Speaking of over-explaining! blush


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Sandi2,

Thank you. And yes....i needed the overexplaining. You are correct in my thinking that if i confronted her with proof of pa/ea that it might jolt her into a healthy mindset and begin working on saving mr. But i value your knowledge and experience so im going to move cautiously there. I just dont want to allow something like that while shes living in the m home.

I wish i read your post earlier. I went out with some friends last night and stopped home for a minute while passing thru. I discovered that she up n left without feeding my kids dinner. Supposedly she told them some cold, leftover chicken is in fridge. I was upset and i cant begin to tell you that this is so unlike the girl i once knew. I texted her(mistake) and asked why she couldnt feed the kids before leaving? Shs said that she told them whats in the fridge and that theyre fine. I responded by saying(mistake) thanks for everything, why dont u stay out for the night. Just makes me so angry that she couldnt even prepare something for them and maybe sit down while they were eating! That started with a chain of texts and i ultimately told her im done with grocery shopping and doing all the cleaning, especially since im about to be a batchelor. (I know petty...shouldnt be engaging her like that at all, but when it comes to my kids it really bothers me. She ended up getting home by 9:30 and i stayed out till 11. At least i had a good time otherwise. Im learning....never thought i would be,going thru something like this!!!

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Subconsciously, you may have been more preturbbed at her in general, than just this time of her not feeding the kids. I'm not finding fault with you, I simply want you to realize how these types of interaction do not help the situation one little bit. The last statement you made about since you'll be a batchelor, speaks more about you than about the kids. So, now that you've told her you will no longer do all the work.......stick to it. But please, don't have any more interactions where you are just sounding off b/c you are upset with her. Instead, come here to vent. smile

Remember, whenever interacting with your WW, your words need to come from a place of strength and stability. It's difficult when your emotions are so raw, but you'll get better with practice. In the future, and before sending a text, calm yourself and ask if the text is you reacting to her. Ask yourself if the text will change anything for the better. Ask yourself if the text is absolutely necessary.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Sandi2,

What a coincidence of your response. I just received a text from my w to check my email for a message from my sons 8th grade english teacher. Basically he failed to complete the largest project of thw year and received a failing grade. Weve been having a tough time with him this year doing his homework and following thru with projects. We did meet with his teachers to put together a plan for him to stay after and also limited his use of video games/phones etc and he did show some improvement...but that was short lived.

Im wondering how to respond to my wifes text and how to handle moving forward. I think my son is feeling the effects of his mother lack of involvement at home and probably sensing that our marriage is having problems. She comes home at 7:30 or so, has dinner and then layes on her bed glued to her phone for 3 hours till i comeup. She used to sit with the kids on projects, watch movies with them, play games, etc. Now hardly nothing other than hey you missed this assignment, give me your phone.

Im just wondering if you have any suggestions?

As always, thank you for your support. Sometimes i feel like im lost at sea and you guys are the lighthouse to get me home.

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One thing I have learned is that we cannot make the other spouse be a good parent (whatever may be our definition of "good" parenting). The more we focus on their lack of involvement with the kids, the more we're likely to let that aggravation, resentment, etc., show to our kids. At this time in the sitch, the more you criticize her, the less she is going to do for the kids. It's unfortunate, but that's just how many WW's operate.

As an outsider, my heart goes out for your son. He probably knows/senses a lot more of what's going on than either of his parents realize. But at the chance he doesn't sense that there are issues between his parents........look at his mom from his point of view. She has stopped showing she cares if he gets his school work done, and she doesn't take part in his other activities......which, to him, must mean she just doesn't care about him, anymore. So, what does his dad need to do to help him?

I can't remember if your son is in counseling. If not, I think he needs to have someone outside of his family he can trust to share his feelings. He may protest against seeing an IC, but at least talk with his school counselor about the situation. If you speak alone, you might even tell the counselor about your W withdrawing her interest and how son is falling behind in his school work. Ask if the counselor will talk with your son and see if he will share his feelings. ask if the counselor will check with son from time to time.

If you can spend more one on one time with son.....maybe away from the home environment, I think it would help. Talk to him about guy stuff, or sports, or whatever he likes. Find something that interest both of you.....some hobby or fun activity. Father & son time shouldn't have to be spent in just talking. Anyway, this should help make him feel more secure, and strengthen the relationship.

Although you want to protect him, let him know he can ask you anything and you won't lie to him. I'm not saying he needs to be told the dirty details about his mom. I'm saying if he asks, tell him there are problems between you and his mom. Don't say bad things about his mom, but don't try to cover up everything, either. If it's private, tell him so. If he asks if there is going to be a D, tell him you hope not. That's better than trying to make him think everything is honky-dory. Even if you tell him you don't know the answer......at least, he'll know you are being honest with him. That goes a long, long way with kids. He will trust you to be straight with him in the future.

I believe the more connected he feels to you, the more he'll step it up with his school work. When you ask him about his school work, do it in a way that shows him you are interested.......rather than just from an authority position. Don't just wait to see the final grade and then confront him about the problem. Make sense? You may not have as much time as his mom, but you can at least ask him if there is anything you can do to help him. Show daily/weekly interest in his studies, what is due, etc.


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Hmmmm, to Sandi2 you listen, yes?

Seriously, man, i cannot say enough how spot-on Sandi2s advice is, here. I see alot of my own sitch in yours and alot of my own past behaviors in you... and im telling you you cannot do much better on here for insight when dealing with a WW than what Sandi2 and Artista will give you.

Two quick thoughts because i am hopping:

1)

Sandi2:
Quote:
Most times, this is a guy who never validated her in his life.......and suddenly he's validating his wayward W every time she opens her mouth? He's going to appear like a "Yes Dear" kind of H, which WW's hate. So, please be very careful about validating her. I'm not suggesting there is never a time & place, but just be cautious.


Dont know why this jumped out at me over everything else, but it just did, and is SOOOO true. I remember being in an early MC session with my own WW, while she was still fully in the throws of being wayward and was just going through the motions in MC to be able to say she did it (we had at least three "false starts"), and me saying a couple of "validating" things and thinking i was really smooth and her saying something like "You know, it really pisses me off now that you seem to know all the right things to say". Yes, it made her angry that i was behaving like the husband she said she always wanted. Beware, WW's make little to no sense alot of the time, at least to our logical male minds smile

2) Detachment. Detachment is crucial to DB-ing, but it can mean different things to different people, even as all true detachment has a common underpinning. Some will tell you, and such may have worked and even been crucial to them on their journey, that you need to completely separate yourself emotionally from your spouse, and not entertain any goals of reconcilliation or of rekindling with your spouse. To me, however, detachment meant (and still does) not that i needed to abandon all hope or stifle any desire for reconciliation, but, rather, that i needed to be at peace with all of the potential outcomes, even the ones that did not involve me reconciled in a happy MR with my W. This, I believe I managed, even though i did still actively pray, hope, and in some respect "work" towards the end of reconcilliation even as i was working on myself and becoming a man "only a fool would leave" as some on here like to say. A key component of that for me was my faith... knowing that whatever God had in store for me was good, and that He was constantly working on my behalf towards that end, and that i had to receptive of and subservient to His will in that regard. Without boring you with details i will say there were occasions where i know i did things counter to his will... and i can confidently say that those things did not move me or my MR towards a better place. Some may call that bunk... but i know better. Whichever, in the place i am now, and looking at the sitch academically, i find it an interesting dichotomy to the selfish, me-first, everyone and everything else be damned mindset adopted by most WWs. As did my own W-- a devout Catholic, very devout, who effectively turned her back on a lifetime of faith due to her waywardness. It was that foundation of strong faith in her earlier life that actually helped bring her back, though that was her journey and nothing i could say or do was going to hurry her along-- the few times i mentioned religion to her during that period she like to flipped out on me.

Finally this fundamental and powerful truth is one i know now from experience: She will never find you more attractive than when you are walking away.

Peace.


H53/W51, R-ing 4/'18

"Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires"-Sg.of Sg 2:7

"So oftentimes it happens,that we live our lives in chains, & we never even know we have the key"-Eagles III 1:3
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One thing that is becoming increasingly obvious is "nice guy syndrome is real, and ive been one for awhile". Thank you Sandi2 for opening my eyes and pointing me in the right direction. More and more i learn about the subject the more i see it in my own behavior the last few years...and the more i feel my wife doesnt respect me.

My question...how can i accelerate my change so that my marriage has a fighting chance?

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I dont know that you can accelerate the changes that you make to yourself. It is a process and you need to have patience with yourself. It will take some time.

Part of it is doing the work. Talking to a counselor, reading self-help books, meditating, whatever it is that you need to do to work on yourself. If you arent doing the work then changes are not going to just happen spontaneously.

However, the other part of it is simply "fake it till you make it." Even if you aren't there yet, you can simply act like you are when you interact with your W. Obviously, you want to get to a point where it is real, but in the meantime the W doesnt need to know that. Read Sandis rules, read her comments on your thread and use them as your guide when in doubt. If you know you are going to interact with her be prepared. Be positive and friendly but know what are safe topics and what to stay away from.

Good luck


W 34 Me 42
Married 7 years together 8
0 kids 1 beloved dog
BD 4/6/2018
I moved out 4/7/2018
I moved back in alone 8/05/2018
I file 3/06/2019
D official 5/7/2019
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Originally Posted By: fmly1st
My question...how can i accelerate my change so that my marriage has a fighting chance?


Stop focusing on the MR having a fighting chance. Focus on you. Focus on the now. Focus on the baby steps. Focus on the relationship as a relationship, putting aside your MR concerns for the time being. Your MR as it was is OVER. You have a chance to develop a new relationship, but you cannot have any illusions of it ever going back to the way it was before. It will have to be something NEW. Let go.

Once you can understand this, you have a fighting chance for YOU. The MR will do what it is going to do. You can only control yourself, how you work on yourself and how you conduct yourself.

That is how you give your MR a fighting chance, in my opinion.


M: 40 W: 37
T: 20 MR: 13
S13, S9, S4
BD: 1/29/18
Sep: 4/23/18 (I moved out)
8/24/18 I come home, she moves out

If you want to get out of the hole, drop the shovel.
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Hongaku and Davide,

Thank you for your thoughts and for taking the time to read my sitch. Like most, i never thought i would be going thru this.

Sandi2,

It seems like there is something nee everyday. Im not sure if shes testing me or just playing games? We had a disagreement Tuesday night about the way i was negotiating to buy my daughter a car. My daughter totaled her car a couple months ago and we recently just received the insurance check. Initially my wife was doing all the research and looking but asked me to take a look once her and,my daughter liked a car.

This past Tuesday, i went down to look at the car. After giving it a thourough inspection i setup a meeting with the salesrep later that afternoon when he came in. I had s certain # in mind that i wanted to pay and i even took pictures to a friend/mechanic got his input. I was concerned that the brakes and tires were really worn sob i wanted to see if i could work it into the deal to have them fixed. Basically salesman offered $200 off and wouldnt move. I eventually called his bluff and walked out. I then called my wife yo let her know and that i would go across the street to grab a beer and wait for them to reach out. I explained to her that this is part of the game and it may take couple day.

Shortly thereafter i get a text from my wife saying that the sales rep sent her an email saying "sorry it didnt work out". And that she was packing up and heading home. I reiterated that its part of the process, but she replied with a "whatever". She also said that she thought it was a waste of time to try anf save a few hundred $ wwe are in such a rush. This annoyed the hell out of me because i was trying to makr sure my daughter was safe,especially since she,crashed from hydroplaning. We exchanged a few more pleasantries and that was it.

Fast forward to yesterday. W were getting along and she seemed to understand where i was coming from and discussed a few other cars. This she sent me a link for some cars and i told her i would go look at them latef that day. I then get text at 1:30 saying that she going out to dinner tonight in a city about 30 mts away but that she would bring pizza for my kids because she didnt want me to say she was neglecting our kids after last weekend. I didnt respond to her about that. My only text was a general fyi that my son had to be at his baseball game tomorrow at noontime and that i was going to my brothers kids first birthday party. She stated that she thought we were going to the game together but if i wanted to change plans that was fine. She also stated that she didnt know thag i was suddenly on speakinv terms with my brother as we had a falling out awhile ago.

Im learning as we go here. Im trying to GAL and be more confident around her. I never want to appear neady and im trying not to show hwr that she got under my skin...not easy.

I just wish i knew if she was ww or waw. As ive alluded, i havd my
Suspicions that she is in some sorf of affair but i dont have proof. Even down to her liking all the pictures of this guy she works with as well her friend, and he likes her friends as well. When i mentioned this before she blew up at me.(can u say guilt) Part of her explanation was that she likes everyones posts. But i even noticed that she hadnt liked one picture of a girl that shes really good friends with at work. And these are pictures of her newborn baby playing, etc. Pictures that i would expect my wife to like. I just dont have a good feeling. And im really sick to my stomach thinking about it. But im taking eveyones words and suggestions to hears, especiallg Sandi2. I know its for the best and will give me the best shot to regain some control in my life, because lately i dont feel like i have any. Thank you again to those that have read my sitch and offered theid input. I highly appreciate it.

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