You nailed it. Thats exactly how i feel, living in a nightmare, isolated, lonely and scared to think about the impact on my kids. And i think its just a matter of time because shes made such poor decisions and forgetting to cover her tracks. You did,mention something about how its too bad she couldnt be confronted in front of her entire family to maybe snap her out of it.
Except for my kids, part of me wants this to come out because i feel that she will have to acknowledge it in front of them and its the one thing that she fears most. She comes from an old fashion Portuguese family and she always striving to meer their high expectations especially her fathers. (I believe this pressure as a kid plays a big part in whats happening now). Somehow i think she might wake up long enough to be like what the heck am i doing to my family? Only time will tell. Thank you for listening.
Fmly, does her family know anything at all? It'd be great if they find out what's she doing on their own, without you having to be involved, but I guess that's unlikely. Sometimes I can't believe people can go to jail for stealing a candy bar but a mom and wife can abandon her family, destroy their lives, and run wild with some other man without any consequences whatsoever. I do appreciate my husband's religion, Islam. In it, you get stoned to death if you're caught having an affair. The problem is it has to be witnessed by multiple people which usually doesn't happen because people carry on affairs in private. Nowadays they don't stone anyone either except maybe in rural Afghanistan and a few places. It's a good principle though to make having an affair such a serious and punishable sin. Not that we want our spouses to be punished in that way, on the contrary we want them to repent and return to us, but if they feared the consequences of their actions maybe they wouldn't be so quick to cheat. I hope your wife wakes up before she does further damage but I know in reality it will probably take a while before you see her change.
Approx a week ago i discovered that my wife had applied for rental housing for her and my 3 kids. Even though she had dropped the bmb a few months ago, i was shocked. We have been getting along really well and we last left it after meeting with a councilor that we would give it time to get our ducks in order, work on our communication so we could effectively coparent together for our 3 kids.
Beside one discussion/argument i couldnt even look my wife in the eye because i was so hurt by the thought of possibly coming home one day to find my family gone. And this couldnt have happened at a worse time because my daughter just graduated high school. Should have been happy and celebratory instead of angry and hurt.
Today i met with a lawyer to make sure that im prepared if she decides to do anything. I also had to pick my wife up from work later becauase her car was being serviced so i decided to tell her so she couldnt say i was being sneaky. I also wanted to make sure that she didnt remove my kids from their home. She said she wasnt going to take them and that im making a big deal out of the rental app because she was not moving. Of course i asked her why she would waste the time and she said that she just wanted to look at the place.
We also discussed some things as to how we got to this point. She blames me for not being supportive midway thru the marriage. I had asked her about the last few years and that ive been trying to have a relationship with her but her routine is just to come between 7:15-7:45 and give us 15-20 minuted of her presence for dinner and then its upstairs on her phone for 3 hours from,8-11 until i go up for bed. I asked her how this helps a relationship and she asked what if she was watching tv or reading a book? I said sitting on social media and chit chatting is a lot different. And when i brought up the fact that she is liking a bunch of pictures(all of him working out or doing crossfit competitions) of a guy that she works with shs says she likes a lot of pictures. And then i asked how it is that this guy and her best friend our suddenly so friendly that they are liking and commenting on each others pictures? How is it that they are that close? She then started to get angry and ssid they are just facebook friends and that im making [censored] up. I then said how ive been to a million functions and met different people and i dont normally befriend them online and/or start to exchange comments with them. She then erupted and said that they are facebook friends and that im making [censored] up and what do i want her to do, feed into that. She then really hurt me by saying dont look at me with those evil eyes.(ive never hear her say that) i asked, i have evil eyes? I asked, i have evil eyes?? She said yes, it reminds her of when i would yell at her and point my finger in her face. (I have never pointed my finger in anyones face, never mind my wife) Because we were getting close to home i decided to lighten things up and said dmiling do u really think i have evil eyes, i always kind of likec my eyes? She said now i didnt because they were soft and i eas smiling.
My big concern is that she is getting angry when i bring up this other guys name. It happened last week as well. Is this because shes feeling guilty over something?
Fyi... i really need help on gal, detaching, validation, etc. I a committed to savinv my marriage but i just dont want to be a lapdog at home if and/while shes having an affair.
i just dont want to be a lapdog at home if and/while shes having an affair.
F,
I am glad you wrote this and understand this will make you look weak. GAL should be simple, get out with friends, go to the gym, start running, take up a hobby. Detaching takes a really long time and most likely will take her moving out.
I want you to be prepared that this is most likely going to worse before it gets better. Have you read up on boundaries? Is an A a deal breaker for you?
Man, I hate to tell you this but your W is almost 100% having an A. Everything you say is too overwhelmingly familiar to be anything else, IMHO. Usually your gut is right. She has been fairly careless thus far and eventually the truth will come out. I would proceed with the assumption she is having an A. I know it's hard not to obsess about needing to know for sure, but the reality is it won't change anything and you could be making progress from this moment forward. Your DBing isn't really any different whether there is an A or not. Use your hurt and frustration to motivate you to GAL and detach and focus on DB rather than whether or not there is an A. Then when you eventually get the truth, either way, you can just stick to the game plan you have already been investing in.
M: 26 W: 26 M: 1.5 T: 3 No kids BD: 31 March 2018
W's affair began: 23 March 2018 Affair confirmed: 18 April 2018 Confrontation/claims she ended A: 14 May 2018 Ended in-house separation: July 2018
I dont know if an affair is a deal breaker for me. I dont think i ever thought i could say that but i really believe my shes going thru a mlc. Her behavior is so unlike anything ive seen from knowing her over 23 years. Part of me would want to throw her out but the other part of me would worry about her and would want her to get better. There is no doubt im on a slippery slope because i love my wife deeply. I cant begin to tell you how much this girl means to me. Thats why im so devastated at the prospect of her throwing it all away. We should have the world by the proverbial b@ll$ right now but instead im worrying about another man. I pray we can survive this!!!
I am going to post below a post from Accuray that really helped me understand what your mind is going through.
Why are you doing it? Why are you so obsessed with W? You were in a relationship with a woman cheated on you and lied to you. Why is that a prize worth making the focus of your waking attention?
The reason is that you are grasping to re-establish a feeling of control over your life.
When W dropped the bomb she ripped your sense of stability away from you. From your perspective you didn't do anything to deserve it, you couldn't stop it from happening, and you couldn't put things back together afterwards.
That would make anyone feel totally out of control, spinning down the drain, and that is a horrible feeling!
You are trying to analyze and understand everything so that you can build it into a rational model so that it will never, ever happen to you again. If I can avoid doing X, then Y will never happen. In addition, you want to unlock this puzzle, to deconstruct it so you can find the solution that will allow you to rebuild it. Finding that key would provide immense comfort.
Your brain has convinced itself that getting W back, or getting W to apologize and declare a desire to have you back is the very best and fastest way to restore your feeling of being in control.
With the benefit of time and distance, you'll realize that's what it's really all about, it's about regaining the ability to feel in control of your life and your future. It really has very little to do with W or who she is as a person, she's a lever to get you what you want, but that's really just an illusion.
If you take the focus off of W *completely* she will notice. That will give her space to breathe, and to think. That's the only way these things turn around -- the ONLY way.
Thank you. That really jumped out at me. I realize now that i need to completely detach. Challenging part is we still live together and i dont want to leave my kids or home. But i will focus on GAL and really get myself engaged into some positive activities. What do i do when she wants to talk? I have an idea from reading Sandis rules but was just curious if you have anything to add? You seemed to really have a strong grasp of dbusting. And i greatly appreciate your input. Ty
Also, when she wants to discuss relationship and/or moving forward with divorce. And also if/when i confirm affair?
As far as detaching while living at home the best way is to be out when shes home doing something. Preferably something productive like excersing or volunteering or spending time with family and friends. Do not pursue her or initiate relationship talks.
A year and a half ago when my W dropped the bomb she said she felt trapped. I stopped all pursuing and pressure and a year in a half later we are divorced but still living together and she keeps asking to stay longer. Now I feel trapped lol.
Now imo if your W is in an A she is going to want to get out quick, especially if OM starts putting pressure on her. The thing is you have to let her go. State one time that this is not what you want but you understand that this what she wants and let her go. You can not reason with her. You think logically, I will lose my family, half my time with kids, and half my assets. She thinks emotionally, I have these feelings when I am with OM that I havent felt with F in 20 years. You cant compete with that right now. Be a great dad, get in shape, read relationship books, books on alpha male characteristics. If you do this the odds are very likely you will get a chance at reconciliation or find someone better. There are no shortcuts in this process.
If she brings up D or relationship talks listen and validate her feelings. Do not try to reason, threaten beg or plead for another chance.
I promise you that you will get through this and have a great life if you are willing to do the work. Read Accuray and JRUSS threads when you have time.
I am really sorry you are going through this you seem like a really good dude.
