Just as a followup to her scary remarks. We did have a discussion about her hostage remark. Basically i wanted to let her know that if she ever felt that way to let me know and i would leave. Or if she ever felt uncomfortable with me around. She said no! She told me that she doesnt feel that way...she just doesnt want to have to give a detailed chronology when she goes out!
Just as a followup to her scary remarks. We did have a discussion about her hostage remark. Basically i wanted to let her know that if she ever felt that way to let me know and i would leave. Or if she ever felt uncomfortable with me around. She said no! She told me that she doesnt feel that way...she just doesnt want to have to give a detailed chronology when she goes out!
I'm sure you meant well, but in the future it would probably be best to keep these type of suggestions to yourself. Whatever is going on with your W, it's clear she is not the girl you fell in love with. The point is, you know the truth. You know your W has no logical reason to make such a damaging statement about you, therefore, don't be so quick to volunteer to leave your own home if she doesn't feel comfortable. You'd be surprised just how many W's would do it, just to get the H out of there.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
My mother said the same thing. And i dont want to be labeled that i abandoned my children.
Im just going to focus on my kids and I. Im really going to detach from her. Otherwise i feel myself being pulled into that despair and i dont want to live that way. Not to mention my kids need me to act responsible and be there for them.
And you ard correct, shes nothing like the girl i fell in love with. I pray everyday that she returns! Hopefully she can find her way. I really think the pressure she felt from her father at an early age has something to do with this. Her younger sister has rebelled against him many times. My wife opened up about that to a after our first visit with mc. So thats prob why she gets so defensive when i ask her questions.
Like you said, shes not that girl right now. Its pointless to speculate and expend energy. Maybe she will come around at some point!
Thank you so much for taking the time. I hope you know how impactful that is for us going thru this. Thank you, thank you, thank you for your time and thoughts!
Just taking the time to read my post and share an observation. I dont get to talk to many people about this situation and its nice to be able to get things off my chest.
Stay in your MH nor the MBR, it's very important that you do and getting back in to your home later may be almost impossible, actually and psychologically. It may cost you a great deal with regard to contact with your kids.
If you get an L, then they will give you advice on it. I always think great L advice is worth every penny, especially when received before any precipitous action is taken. I wish I had taken that step before I walked, not to save my M, that was never possible, but early advice would have saved a lot of pain.
And your children need you as the most stable part of their lives, a dad in a million. Kids come first always.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Thank you for checking in. Im sorry for not responding earlier, ive been so busy lately, really havent had the time to go on dbusting.
Things are going ok. We havent had any arguments so thats definately a positive. I have avoided any rship conversation. We have been getting along better and shes been home more. She normally goes out once per week till 10pm or so. Ill take it.
Im just trying to figure out the best path to help us move closer. I really miss my wife and wish i could experience that closeness again. Im still trying to figure out how to work on myself while living under the same roof and in the same bed with her?
Never thought it could get this bad. Been off this site for awhile now but came back because i really need the support.
I think my wife is probably having an affair with someone at work and is being pushed to leave me quickly. Ive never felt so hopeless in my entire life. After bdrop a few months ago we were actually getting along really well. I was hoping that maybe she would realize the benefits in staying married. When we last met with a councilor we both agreed to at least talk and try and see if there was anything there. At the very least, we could work on communication so if we did divorce we could effectively coparent together amicably without resentment. And we also agreed that she would live in the house to let my youngest finish out school. He will be in 9th grade next year. Especially since we couldnt afford 2 expensive households with our kids about to go to college.
Fast forward to last week, I accidentally discover that my wife recent applied to rent a house with my 3 kids and didnt tell me a thing. I was absolutely floored. Hurt beyone belief. I confronted her and she said that it was no big deal and that shes been looking periodically since we started having difficulty in our relationship. I reminded her about our agreement and asked why couldnt she tell me if things had changed? She dismissed it as no big deal and that she wasnt moving. She also layed blame on me again like she does typically when shes in the wrong and/or i catch her doing something.
She swears that she has no intention of moving and that im making a big deal out of nothing. Obviously i dont believe a word she says and i cant trust her. There has been way too many coincidences and lies.
As far as my suspicions of this guy at work, i absolutely believe there is something going on. To recap the history, ive noticed my wife spending more time at the office the last couple of years. She typically gets home after 7:30 each evening. I also noticed that she was coming home with booze on her breath occasionally. She mentioned something about someone having a little bar in their desk. My son had mentioned that she was frequently texting a girl she worked with. Keep in mind that i discoveres she was given a referral to a divorce attorney last year, conveniently in the same wealthy suburb that the guy in question lives and hes divorced. When confronted, my wife gave me a bs story about how someone who juat wrapped up their divorce walked over and asked a group of people if anyone needs this and she took the papers as a joke. Cmon!! Really???? She swears it wasnt that guy.
And then this weekend i was looking at some facebook photos(i know i shouldnt but i have a hunch) and discover that my wife is liking almost every picture of this guy and so isnt her good friend?? Worse, the guy is into crossfit events and they tpically involve him in some sort of workout. As far as my wifes friend, supposedly she met this guy in a group setting once or twice. My wife told me that she showed up at the bat after the Christmas party and a bunch of them hungbout. Now would that warrant the two of them becoming facebook friends and commented on each others posts. Or are they each in the know and helping to push my wife away from me into his arms?
Im really going thru a tough time. Not eating good, losing weight and stressed to the max. Is it possible i can salvage our marriage and do i even want to if shes having an affair? I know that i really loved my wife deeply and im sick to my stomach with the thought of her in someone elses arms! Any help is so very much appreciated....signed down n out!
Family1st, that's a huge shock finding out your wife applied to rent a house and didn't mention it to you. That's also too much of a coincidence that she's liking a guy's photos on facebook with whom she works. There are too many things that don't add up. It's so devastating, shocking, unfair, and painful to find out all this information on top of the problems you and your wife already have.
I've been dealing with this with my husband for several years now. I totally know the physical symptoms that result from being betrayed. I've had insomnia, chest pain, stomach pain, and so many other problems. The stress is unbearable along with all the realizations about what's unfolding in front of your eyes. As I've posted many times on my thread, it's like a nightmare that doesn't end. Every morning you wake up thinking this can't be real and then you remember it still is.
Right now your wife probably thinks she can lie and still keep getting away with what she's doing. It's too bad it's not recommended to involve family because surely if her whole family sat her down and called her out on her behavior she'd think twice.
I'm not a DB expert but I still think you can salvage your marriage although not right away. You and your wife have been together for a long time and have three kids together. It's good that she went to counseling with you. Maybe right now she's having fun and running wild to avoid feeling depressed or to distract herself, but at some point, some day, surely she'll get a reality check either by getting hurt by this other man or realizing she destroyed her family. The hard and sad problem is facing the unknown. It's also agonizing to feel powerless over what's happening. It's terrifying to lose the one you love and to have children who get hurt in the process. It's so selfish of your wife to do this and yet you still have so many happy memories of her and can't believe this is really her.
I loved my husband with all my heart and have suffered through his escapades these last few years without a drop of alcohol, no SSRI's, no family support, and nothing else to numb the pain. I've had a few therapists and a few friends who've cared but it's easy to feel alone and isolated. It's just so hard when you'd do anything to fix your marriage but your spouse doesn't want it.
Most people here offer advice but when the situation is as bad as yours at the moment I think sometimes we just need to listen. There's not much you can do right now to resolve your pain. Perhaps you know as much as you need to know about what your wife is up to and it's been hurtful enough. Your kids must be affected by your wife's preoccupation with her 'work' so perhaps you and your kids can try to support each other and depend on faith, meditation, therapy, or some other coping strategy to survive until the next steps are more clear.
I feel so, so sad to hear of other innocent souls like yourself going through this. It's the worst thing in the world in my opinion.
