Thank you. Does DB have a general guideline on pa or ea...should the lbs find out the truth. Obviously it might be better for somenot to know...and that could even apply to me! But ive alwaysbfelt that the only way to deal with a problem effectively to know the truth.
But maybs all the DB is rubbing off. Because as i write this, the essence of what ive read, is to focus on my children and me. Dont be rude to my wife, listen when she wants to talk, but certainly dont chase. If we are going to find our relationship again, its going to be by understanding how we got here and changing behaviors that suit both our needs! Im new, but i feel im learning.
Prob what makes it difficult is BD was recent and we live together, sleep together, and she doesnt want to announce anything to anyone. I really sense that shes not sure what she wants, but that she also likes the emotional safety of the status quo. I know that shes fearful of things turning old and stale if we got back together.
I guess im struggling with wanting to connect with my wife emotionally and execute db technique!
If we are going to find our relationship again, its going to be by understanding how we got here and changing behaviors that suit both our needs!
F,
IMO you are ahead of the game then most newbies. You are dead on with your comment above. The problem is that it is most likely going to take a really long time to get to that place.
It is ok to snoop to find out what you are up against. Knowledge is power. It is recommend not snoop after you find out because then it is just painful.
I have been here for 3.5 years and read 100s if not 1000s sitches. Unfortunately I am quite certain your W is in some type of an A. Do you have access to her phone records?
Another thing I noticed is you are trying to use logic and reason to understand what is happening. This is how men think, if we D we will go bankrupt, we will split time with kids, we will lose the house......etc. Women do not think that way they think emotionally mainly what is in their heart.
If there is another man in her heart (be it real or make believe), no amount of logic and reason is going to change her mind.
Thats it. I just want to know what im up against. I dont have access to her phone records. And she keeps her phone close by at all times and its pin protected. If i do find her in some sort of affair, at least i know what im dealing with. And just maybe that will help me to detach emotionally and execute all of the db techniques to try and keep my family together. Deep down my gut tells me she is confused and scared, and that she still loves me. I just hope time will be on our side and we can come out the other side! I still love my wife deeply...no doubt about it!!!
Thank you. Does DB have a general guideline on pa or ea...
No, although each sitch is different. Generally an EA is very destructive to a WW. It's wayward behaviour of a very intense type. I have known EA on the board where the OM isn't even interested, (MCS for instance).
It is the waywardness that is destructive.
Sometimes when a PA starts it's such a let down, the A goes poof, or there is an STD or another woman. Reality bites.
In general men can think it's only an EA, only physical infidelity counts. That just simply isn't so where the WW is concerned.
should the lbs find out the truth.
In my view yes. Firstly if it's a PA your health can be at risk, secondly as an LBS you have choices and decisions to make. This requires INTEL, once you know then you will never unknow.
The core is knowing whether you have a WAW or a WW. I can not emphasise enough to Newbies that the difference is important. Vital to know. A WAW should never be treated as a WW. A WAW can see your shift, desire to work on the M and often these M can be saved with the right permanent shifts. Many M have been saved with DB.
A WW is a whole different kettle of fish, usually very nasty kettle of rotten parts.
Obviously it might be better for somenot to know...and that could even apply to me! But ive alwaysbfelt that the only way to deal with a problem effectively to know the truth.
I agree.
But maybs all the DB is rubbing off. Because as i write this, the essence of what ive read, is to focus on my children and me
100% yes. Children come first. This process is all about the things you can do, which is about you. This is self centred, not to be confused with selfish. You put your own life jacket on first.
Dont be rude to my wife, listen when she wants to talk, but certainly dont chase.
Yes, and know your boundaries.
If we are going to find our relationship again, its going to be by understanding how we got here and changing behaviors that suit both our needs!
So, so correct.
Im new, but i feel im learning.
These are great, great insights. I had Sandi rules laminated on a card. If you read my sitch you will find I gave each one marks out of 10. I tracked it. Without DB and my tribe here I would not be around. I truly believe that.
It's early days but these are realisations that took me at least a year to understand and know. The rules are the way to execute your understanding.
Prob what makes it difficult is BD was recent and we live together, sleep together, and she doesnt want to announce anything to anyone. I really sense that shes not sure what she wants, but that she also likes the emotional safety of the status quo. I know that shes fearful of things turning old and stale if we got back together.
That seems like a sound analysis although beware of mind reading. You working on you consistently will change the dynamic considerably. It takes one to Tango.
I guess im struggling with wanting to connect with my wife emotionally and execute db technique!
Yes, you would not be here working on you if that were not the case.
You have the gift of time. This takes shift from you and shift is permanent.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
"No, although each sitch is different. Generally an EA is very destructive to a WW. It's wayward behaviour of a very intense type. I have known EA on the board where the OM isn't even interested, (MCS for instance).
It is the waywardness that is destructive."
This is sooooooo true. My WW was in an EA with OM1 when BD occurred. He was 10 years younger than her, has a GF and was several states away. She was giving him touched up pictures to appear younger. About 3 weeks after BD he'd seen enough to know he wanted to stay with his GF.
That's when she put up profiles on 2 online dating sites and paid for the premium accounts. Further within weeks she was in a new EA with a guy 8 years younger than her. OM2 hadn't received any pics short of headshots as W must have learned her lesson from OM1. (Not that she isn't attractive, she is but she's also almost 50, most guys ~40 looking for some strange are looking for younger women. OM2 also has a serious GF and lives even further away.
WWs are enigmas. Wanting to stay one day, ready to hop into the sack with another guy the next. Pray you have a WAW not a wW. My life has been so stressful the last 2 1/2 months.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Im sorry to hear that you are going thru that stress. No one should have to experience that. Im new to DB, so im not going to regurgitate the strategies and tehniques you have already heard and hopefully are implementing!
I hope and pray you guys get thru this and come out the other side stronger and more connected than ever!
M46(just turned at midnight) W44 D 18, S,17, S13 M 20 T 24 BD 1-2018 Im new, just recently posted an overview of my marital sitch. In Jan wife n i had argument because i wasnt happy about her not inviting mw to company holiday party. She then told me that she wasnt happy, felt nothing, and had nothing to give. I made the typical mistake of gttg emotional and asking her to give counciling a try so we can exhaust all options.
She wouldnt commit to working on marriage but did agree to counciling. Prior counciling i did some homework on dbusting. I had a feeling that she may say same thing to mc, which she did. So i did a 180 and said that i understood why she felt that way and that i would like to reset out goals to improve our communication to coparent effectively. After session she asked me for drinks and she opened up to me, cant live life anymore for others expectations. And she got close to me in bed, which she hasnt in a long time.
That was over 3 weeks ago and ive seen a noticable improvement in our communication. Shes not as cold etc. For reference, ive been doing phone consults with DB. Im told shes a WAW. But i think she could be having a mlc as well. She told me that she has monthly cycle 2-3 weeks out of month, poss perimenapause so i know hormones all over, and she refuses to seek some help for that.
So ive been GAL, focusing on my kids and detaching. All whilr still giving her my undivided attention when she wants to talk. Ive been trying to set weekly goals, solution oriented and a 1 of them is to try and have some 1 on 1 time out somewhere...have a drink, listen to music, movie, anything. But my db coach did tell me to make sure i was able to handle rejecion if that came to be.
Tonight i get home from 2 day bus trip. She comes home from work early to make dinner. I overhear my som ask her about her plans for Sat(besides the wedding?) because he needed a ride. Wedding??? Im askinh myself, what wedding? I ask her what plans are for Sat, and she tells me her cousins wedding, and that she is going. Now my name was on the invitation as well, and we have not told anyone about any problems. And my wife wants it that way. We both do, so we can continue counciling, etc.
Although i did a 180 and didnt show emotion, i was hurt. I love my wifes family and im embarrassed for not being there. Im hurt because she normally always wants me at family functions. IM ALSO UPSET THAT SHE WASNT EVEN GOING TO TELL ME TILL THE DAY BEFORE WHICH HAPPENS TO BE MY BIRTHDAY.
So heres how i responded. I took dog for a walk and thought about dbusting techniques. I calmly went upstairs and asked her if she was available to talk. I asked her if everything was ok? "Yes, why do u ask"? I asked her if she thought we were getting along ok since counciling, "yes". And then i asked if anything has changed from what we agreed to in counciling? She said no, why? I told her that i feel funny not going to wedding, and should i make other plans for Easter. How come she didnt mention it to me? She said that she had to RSVP right when we had big argument, BD, and that she didnt want to include me if i wasnt going to go. She said that she felt bad about after counciling because we have been getting along better.
I asked why she waited so long to tell me she was going solo? She said she kind of forgot about it until her parents mentioned something this past Sunday. I then asked when she was planning to tell mr, she said when i got home from the trip. Basically the day before, on my birthday. She then prob had some guilt, and asked if i would be home early enough from work on my bday to go out to dinner with thekids? I feel bad, but i just said i didnt think so.
I then suggested that as part of our effort to work on communication, and just relax a little, maybe we could get out for a beer or something one of these days. She didnt say yes, but said that she would think abou it. I understand the wall she has built and the safe harbor it provides. But i came from the angle of, hopefully we can be two adults who spend a little time together to discuss family,etc. She then replied, we need to go out for beers to talk? I then rephrased, beers, coffee, anything just to talk.
Im hurt that she said she would think about it. Now is this one of those big tests? Wedding too? Lately this would have escalated into an argument. But we actually had a long positive conversation about how we got into trouble. She opened up about the things that bothered her and just listened, intently. We also had a lengthy discussion about her job and satisfaction at work. It all started by me asking her about her job? She reallygot into it and told me a lot. About some of her challenges, people issues, etc. She really shared a lot of detail. I think she really liked that i was interested. Which i genuinly am!!!!!!
My question, is this a positive or negative or a little of both. My wife is good about remembering events/dates, so i dont buy that she forgot to tell me that she was going solo. Especially when her parents just reminded her. And i cant tell you how hurt i am that my wife needs to think about if she is ok to have a couple beers with me. We still are married and sleep in the same bed. I dont think she is in any type of a, but i do think that she is being coached!
