Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 7 of 11 1 2 5 6 7 8 9 10 11
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 9,227
Likes: 309
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 9,227
Likes: 309
Originally Posted By: along
She hasn't changed her stance on the D as far as I can tell.

A,

It is probably a safe assumption that if she is out looking for apartments she hasn't changed her mind. If you need advance notice for the plans of her departure then ask her about it.

Are you eating healthy and exercising? Are you meeting up with friends? Do you have any hobbies?

Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 77
A
along Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 77
I visit my parents and still meet up with the couple we would get together with most Friday nights. I am doing my best to eat right and broke the habit of snacking later in the evening. We have both been using the treadmill, but I have not been able to do much more than run due to bicep surgery. I am trying to get some things done around the house, but other hobbies and activities are limited due to the arm and until recently my recovery from back surgery. I had gained at least 10 pounds (mostly around my waist) due to recovery from back. I have lost about 20 pounds since the BD.


----------------
Me-53 W-50
T-16 M-13
Bomb drop 1-16-18
Discovered EA 1-23-18
Discovered PA 2-2-18
Still involved with OM
WW moved out 3-29-18
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 77
A
along Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 77
Beginning to rewrite my apology letter with the LRT paragraph. Is there any example of how this letter should be laid out. My coach explained but with the limited time on the phone I cant get all the information to lay this letter out.


----------------
Me-53 W-50
T-16 M-13
Bomb drop 1-16-18
Discovered EA 1-23-18
Discovered PA 2-2-18
Still involved with OM
WW moved out 3-29-18
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 8,152
Likes: 1
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 8,152
Likes: 1
Did your coach advise you to actually send it to her or is this just for you? Often we advise to write this stuff out and then burn it, or file it away someplace secure. If you do plan on giving it to her, understand these things:

1. She will more than likely never acknowledge receiving it.

2. It will have no impact on her attitude about the M.

So you've got to have zero expectations. But you will have expectations anyway. We all think a long, heartfelt letter might be just the thing to put things "back to normal" but it never, ever does.

If you're going to send it to her then feel free to post it here for critique first. I never sent a letter, instead I did a face-to-face apology as I felt that was more genuine. It didn't change anything but I did feel it was necessary because she did feel I had wronged her in some ways. And I am glad I did it.


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
Joined: Nov 2016
Posts: 2,605
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Nov 2016
Posts: 2,605
Agree about not sending the letter. I too apologized face to face to own up to my own failings. I’m glad I did it. It didn’t change anythjng.


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 77
A
along Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 77
I didn't send the letter, I did however give her the letter last night since she told me she was going to the attorney tomorrow after work. I felt I needed to give it to her and yes I knew it wouldn't change anything.
How do I continue to DB and or LRT when she moves out and the D is in its final stage or is finalized? We don't have children unless you count the horses which are staying with me. she is going to pay for boarding and she is saying she wants to be friends. I honestly don't know that I can do that.


----------------
Me-53 W-50
T-16 M-13
Bomb drop 1-16-18
Discovered EA 1-23-18
Discovered PA 2-2-18
Still involved with OM
WW moved out 3-29-18
Joined: Oct 2017
Posts: 937
N
Member
Offline
Member
N
Joined: Oct 2017
Posts: 937
Along, do you still hope to reconcile with your wife in the future? If so, I personally would agree to be friends to the extent that you can. Friends may just mean asking "how are you?" every so often and sending a simple birthday card. Those small signs of good will wouldn't hurt in my opinion. It's not fair to you though to be reduced to friendship status when you were committed to you wife and love her as a wife. It's not fair at all, but nothing is fair about what's happening right now. Your situation is so new. There's still a high chance her relationship with the OM won't work out and she'll be sorry. I think the DR book says affairs last an average of six months. Perhaps you need to be patient for a few more months to see how things progress.

Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 77
A
along Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 77
NicoleR, A R is what I am hoping for. I know it will be some time before that could happen, however, she has told me that she won't keep me away from her family and we will still interact due to the horses and trailer. I have expressed that this arraingment will only last as long as its not too hard on me physically. Hope I can handle riding with her on the trails.


----------------
Me-53 W-50
T-16 M-13
Bomb drop 1-16-18
Discovered EA 1-23-18
Discovered PA 2-2-18
Still involved with OM
WW moved out 3-29-18
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 18,666
Likes: 1
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 18,666
Likes: 1
Hi Along, I saw your request to give my thoughts on your sitch. So far, and without further background information, it sounds as if you have a wayward W on your hands. Let me explain, since you have a DB coach. MWD does not separate the wayward W from the WAW or MLC. The term, wayward wife, is not used in her books or by her coaches.....as far as I know. Therefore, you will probably here some things on the board that you won't hear from the DB coach.

If you will read my threads on the subject of the mindset of WW's, it might save time and save me from repeating or forgetting something. The link to the first one is on Cadet's welcome page.

I think when the H has a WW, he needs to treat her the way he would act the way he interacts with a checkout clerk in the local store. Think about how you interact with the clerk as she is adding up your purchases. If you have questions, or if I need to explain...... let me know.

You get confused whenever she changes her mind......and all I know to tell you is to stay focused on what I am about to say. She will not be consistent. She doesn't really know what she wants, except one thing......... to be free from the MR. Actually, she can become confused even about that feeling.......if the H gets smart and follow the advice here. The more you resist giving her that freedom she thinks she wants.... the harder & nastier she'll fight you. You are her number one enemy. She blames you for everything negative in her life. She has held resentments against you from the past. She disrespects you as a man.....and especially as her H. She has reached the point of outward rebellion. In other words, she is out of control, and she will get worse.

Your WW has a fantasy in her head. She does not hear anything you say to her. Do not tell her how she feels, b/c women hate for any man to tell her how she feels! Do not tell her how you feel, or what you want. Don't tell her your thoughts. Don't try to find out how she feels. Trust me, it's not good! She doesn't care about your feelings or your pain, enough to stop what she's doing. The sooner you accept that she is only interested in herself......the better off you'll be. Let me make this perfectly clear to you. Selfishness is her motivation for everything she does. It doesn't matter how small or large, if she doesn't benefit someway......she's not interested. Never forget it.

She does not want to be your W, but wants whatever benefits the M may provide (like family activities, insurance coverage, etc). She doesn't want the responsibilities that go with the MR. If she can get a better deal another way......she will. Until then, she'll take advantage and "eat cake" every chance she gets. Your job is not to rescue her, protect her, or provide for her. She doesn't want to be your W, so don't treat her like one. The only thing that will start to make her fantasy crumble is reality. You can provide some reality, and life does the rest. Let her get a taste of life without you as her H. Remove your emotional support, your concern, your personal interest in her, and the control over you that she's had all these years. Stop listening to how she says things "will be done", and start thinking with your own head.

Get a lawyer ASAP. Follow your lawyer's advice, instead of your WW's wishes. This is no match for a man with nice guy behavior. I'm not saying you can't be a good person. I am saying a WW will not respect a H who has the Nice Guy Syndrome. If you have not read about it, google the information today. There is one thing all women hate in a man.......and that is passivity. There is one thing, and one thing only that a WW respects in a man......and that is strength. You show strength and self confidence by not allowing her to control you. By making your own decisions and following your standards, principles, and personal belief system. Don't compromise your integrity to be a woman who does not respect you.

All cheaters lie. You cannot believe anything she says. You cannot trust her to do the right thing and follow her conscious. Currently, her emotions are dictating to her, and that will be all that she follows, until reality crashes her fantasy. You cannot reason with her. Waywards are not logical. Don't expect her to think or behave normally.

Don't repeat to her something you've heard on the board. It will not impress her. The only exception is if we suggest how to word a response. You will be tempted to do some action to get a response from her.....but don't do it. It never works the way the H wants......plus, he can actually make matters worse. Unlike the WW, he must not act upon emotions. He must learn lots of information on this board, and act from that information. Be sure you understand a technique, method, or whatever, before you take action. Don't read something today and think you understand well enough to make some big move on it tonight. Not in the beginning, b/c you are cramming information at fast speed. It will take a while to grasp a few things. For example.....boundary setting. Don't even mention boundaries until you fully understand how it works. I have seen too many H's makes things harder for themselves b/c they opened their mouth before they really had the full concept of how it works.

I am going to say something else that may sound completely nuts to you. Stop trying to keep your W in a M she doesn't want. Stop allowing fear to control your heart. The MR you had has died. It's over. The girl you M is gone. She doesn't want you. If you start to use your head, instead of crying, shaking with fear, trying to do whatever she says, and hoping she'll decide to give you another chance........you can come through this a winner. I didn't mean for that sound to sound harsh. I am trying to cram a lot into one post, and beat some sense into an emotionally hurting H who has been betrayed by the love of his life. You will get stronger. You are going to be fine. But not without becoming your own best friend and helping yourself by doing what is best for YOU. . Does that make sense? You can't save anything until you save yourself first.

One way she has confused you, is by her throwing all this business deciding stuff in your face. What to do about the house and the horses, etc. Here is what you tell her. "I will not make any decisions until I have had time to think on every consideration". (Or something similar to that statement). You don't want to sound as if you are avoiding it. You don't want to sound as of you are being passive. Say it with confidence, determination, and strength. You are a smart person and will not be pushed into doing something an emotional, crazy, over-bearing wayward W wants. Learn these words, "I will have to think about it"......and/or....."I haven't decided yet".....and/or....."I'll have to get back to you about it". Stop allowing her to push you around!

Quote:
Beginning to rewrite my apology letter with the LRT paragraph. Is there any example of how this letter should be laid out. My coach explained but with the limited time on the phone I cant get all the information to lay this letter out.


Please don't write an apology letter. I have NEVER seen or heard of a wayward returning to her H b/c he apologized! She will see it as more weakness. If she was running away b/c you had beat her.......then I would agree with apologizing. But something tells me you were not abusive. I have yet to see a wayward W come from an abusive MR. Most of them come from nice-guy H's, who they push around and get them to apologize for something they (H) don't even know what they did to make her angry. Once again, you are hoping to appease her, by writing this apology letter. It won't work, and she could even use it against you.

The problem is not you, it's her. However, you are the only person you can control and/or change. Don't try to impress her. Don't try to get her to like you more. Just improve who and what you are and become the best you can be.......but, .not to win her back. I'll explain more later.

For now, stop what you are doing. You need to regroup and approach this ordeal in a whole different attitude.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 77
A
along Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 77
Sandi2, Thanks for the information and advice. My WW met with her attorney yesterday so I know D papers are coming and she plans on moving out over Easter break from school although she has yet to tell me. We have lots of stuff to sort through before then. I have been making her do all the work with reguards to the D.
Unfortunately I gave her the apology letter already and of course there was no response or acknowledgment of the letter. I did include in the letter a sentence or 2 that states that I get it she has left the MR and is moving on.
I have been alot better with my emotions the last few days. I have been sure to not get emotional and cry in front of her. I have been bad though about dinner and laundry by cooking and doing both our clothes, she has been doing the same. I have noticed that when she is home in the evening she is drinking almost every night, not a lot just a beer or 2 which I assume is because she feels uncomfortable around me and guilty.
I remember reading your thoughts on WW's and their A's what worries me is that my WW is with someone she has a history with.


----------------
Me-53 W-50
T-16 M-13
Bomb drop 1-16-18
Discovered EA 1-23-18
Discovered PA 2-2-18
Still involved with OM
WW moved out 3-29-18
Page 7 of 11 1 2 5 6 7 8 9 10 11

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard