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I didn't find DB until I had made all the chasing mistakes and what may have been the final straw (I told my W's parents about her affair and the W found out.) She was so furious with me that she said "that did it. We need to get this figured out. We barely said a word to each other for several days. Here birthday was Friday and was packed to leave for the weekend when she stopped looked at me and said she was sorry for all of this(affair, wanting out, etc.) The following day I had my first Tele coaching session. I was instructed to treat her like a house guest and I did my best to do what I thought I should. I cooked and cleaned up told her she looked nice, well on Monday she asked me to meet her at the cell phone store to get our phones on separate plans. I didn't fight I went along with it acted as if I were ok with it. She had also started to go through things and separate hers and mine. Since then we have been talking like we use to but, not really about anything. I start to feel like I am making progress but then start to think that she is playing along to keep it calm. She has gotten to where when she finishes a workout she immediately changes out of her tights into sweats or pj bottoms. Its hard to stay focused and keep going. any works of advice or encouragement would be appreciated.


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Me-53 W-50
T-16 M-13
Bomb drop 1-16-18
Discovered EA 1-23-18
Discovered PA 2-2-18
Still involved with OM
WW moved out 3-29-18
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,533
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Welcome to the board

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

Yes first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

and Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htm

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!

Get out and Get a Life (GAL).

DETACH.


Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:

I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072

Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414

Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566

Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554

Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...224#Post2578224

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619

Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon


Me-70, D37,S36
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What are you ages? How long have you been together and married? Do you have children? Does she work? Who is the OM?

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I am 53 and she just turned 50. We have been together for nearly 17 yrs. and married 13 1/2. We have no children and we both work. The OM is (or was since she told me she ended it) a old boyfriend from high school.


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Me-53 W-50
T-16 M-13
Bomb drop 1-16-18
Discovered EA 1-23-18
Discovered PA 2-2-18
Still involved with OM
WW moved out 3-29-18
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,533
Likes: 78
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Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka
that I totally agree with.

Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.

It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.

We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.

Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.


Me-70, D37,S36
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have read the DR and am about finished with DB. I have also had a coaching session and read the 5 love languages and working on the 7 principles for making marriage work as homework from my coach.


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Me-53 W-50
T-16 M-13
Bomb drop 1-16-18
Discovered EA 1-23-18
Discovered PA 2-2-18
Still involved with OM
WW moved out 3-29-18
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 9,822
Likes: 226
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along, welcome and sorry brother. Lots of us in similar situations.

My wife turns 50 this month. That seems to be a big big sticking point for her which is why I suspect she is at least in a mild MLC if not a full blown one. While her As have all been EAs (not PAs), I have no doubt she was moving towards one.

My best advice is to start to detach. It is a long, hard process but the only way you have to have any control is over yourself. She will notice your detachment, trust me. But read the links above from Cadet. Start putting the principles into place.

DO NOT PURSUE HER. DO NOT SNOOP. DO NOT TAKE TEMPERATURE CHECKS.

Let her go. Weird I know, but the only chance (and it is only a chance not a guarantee) of getting her back is to let her go.


M(53), W(54),D(19)
M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Joined: Jul 2017
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DO NOT PURSUE HER.
Research what that means. You will slip. Just get back on track.

Hang in there and work the process. She may respond and it will confuse you.


M 53 W 54, M since 98
D15, D19
8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM
until 10/14
7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR
12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.

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My coach wants me to continue to treat WW like a house guest, which had some success in softening between us, but WW came home this Sunday pissed off at me again. She says we need to figure out if one of us can keep the house and what to do about our horses. I am also pretty sure that she is still involved with the OM even though she says he is out of the picture. I am thinking I should start to detatch before my next coaching session. What does anyone else think?


----------------
Me-53 W-50
T-16 M-13
Bomb drop 1-16-18
Discovered EA 1-23-18
Discovered PA 2-2-18
Still involved with OM
WW moved out 3-29-18
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 9,227
Likes: 309
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A,

I think you should detach too, but the problem is it is not like turning on a light switch.

I know you don't want to here this but you have to let her go. The more you try to hold onto her the more she is going to try to get away.

The old high school boy friend probably isn't going to work out. They are just trying to relive their youth.

Work on yourself, exercise, eat healthy, read self help books, hang out with friends and family. Become a man that only a fool would leave.

Take it one day at a time and just try to get a little better everyday.

Good luck!

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