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A Message from Michele
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#2779283 - 02/20/18 09:00 AM We are moving forward on this journey together
joejoe1 Offline
Member

Registered: 08/25/17
Posts: 817
Loc: San Antonio, Texas
My W and I are working hard on our M. We have been to counseling and have more to go too. We are learning to communicate our problems better. We have look to going to Rville or EMS weekend in Austin.

She is putting in the work to help repair the damage.

I must admit, this is hard. I have broke down crying a few times in the last two weeks, because I wanted to just throw my hands up and give up. I wanted a divorce in my head and not my heart. It hurt so much thinking about leaving my boys. I shed those tears in front my W. She wants and feel this M is going to work. She has faith in us but the pain some days are huge.

She also broke down crying to me one day after a talk we were having and told me that she wakes up every moring with guilt and shame, she was shaking and hyper ventilating. And she told me she wanted to walk in front a bus. I coukd see the struggle she was going thru.

This process can't be rushed and there's no short cuts. We have decided to walk thru it together. I'm joyful on one hand and scared on the other.

The thougths of the A have lessen. And we are smiling and making each other laugh more.

I thought about posting in the recon thread but it's not very active and I think my post will help more people here. I go there looking for advice, but I talk to holding and he convince me I should post more to help others and possibly get some more help.

I also do counseling by myself. My counselor told me something the other day that stuck with me. I told him I'm have a hard time with the A and wanting to stay. I told him one of the things I'm having a hard time with is how my W told me she thought she was in love with OM and how she cut it off. He asked me a few questions and one of those questions was, how did you treat your W before the A, and I once again had to remind myself I treated her like crap. I told him I wont take responsibility for the A. He told me, what if the only way for my W to live with the guilt she had was to tell herself she was in love with the OM. Is that a possibility. I told him yes that is. My W told me multiple times that she thought she was in love with the OM because I how she felt about me.(Im putting this here because, the fantasy is full of false emotions). So we have to get out the way as LBS and let them go, so those false emotion is hit with reality. My W also told me she knew that a relationship with the OM wasnt going to last.

For V day my W bought me a new silicon wedding band. I told I wasnt wearing another one until she bought it.

I hope this help!!!!! I want to put this here so when others start recon and repair they have a place to have an idea of what to expect.

Only hard work ahead.

I wish this thread got more traffic!!!!

Onward and forward
_________________________
M:34 W:34
T:8 M:7
S13, S10, S7, S1
BD:06/28/17
OM confirmed 07/20/17
Recon the M 10/29/17
Working hard:2gether

Onward and forward

This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.

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#2780280 - 03/01/18 03:55 AM Re: We are moving forward on this journey together [Re: joejoe1]
joejoe1 Offline
Member

Registered: 08/25/17
Posts: 817
Loc: San Antonio, Texas
I hate seeing all the pain, destruction, and trauma caused by WS and WAS. I dream and wonder howo you all look and how wonderful people you all are. I wish you all well.

I must admit, that info on recon is not huge. Also, finding people who can relate is hard.

And I hope you all make it to recon. I pray you all do. As AS say mostly all LBS usually get their chance to DECIDE to be back with their S.

My W has found peace on her end IMO. I have been struggling more. I'm always in fix it mode.

I'm always flooding or having remainders. I wasnt prepared for having her back. I was prepared for all the intense emotions.

Today I have decided to let go of expectations, live in the present and enjoy what the Lords has given me. I'm really being hard on myself.

What's also profound to me is when I was DBing I had a better wrap on my emotions and now I have lost control Of them some. I can concentrate better now, but I do get lost in reminders. I really hope I can start to move pass these thoughts ( I know I can).

I think putting this info here, helps to prepare people for what I wasn't prepared for.

My W is a wonderful woman. But that dont make what she did any easier to deal with.

Last weekend we made love twice in one day and almost went for a third time, but the kids came beckoning.

My 1 year old is crawling all over me at the moment, and I would hate to have to miss a second of this.

Healing takes time. Love is a choice and recon is no less easier than DB. DBers keep up the hard work, "do what works" as Sandi says. And dont forget to love yourselves.

Feed the good wolf
Onward and forward
_________________________
M:34 W:34
T:8 M:7
S13, S10, S7, S1
BD:06/28/17
OM confirmed 07/20/17
Recon the M 10/29/17
Working hard:2gether

Onward and forward

This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.

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#2782132 - 03/19/18 08:42 AM Re: We are moving forward on this journey together [Re: joejoe1]
joejoe1 Offline
Member

Registered: 08/25/17
Posts: 817
Loc: San Antonio, Texas
Update:

Last week I went on a work trip. Most of the trip I did good. The last two days I start to spiral a little and I let some bad thoughts take control. I work through them best as possible. I returned home on Friday evening, W took the kids to Houston for spring break and returned home on Saturday. I informed her on Saturday I was having some of those thoughts and she brought up some good points. In her comments, she use the word, "betrayal", which caught me by surprise. Later on we were sitting by each other and I asked her to go to Youtube so we can learn how to do something and in her search, I see she has been watching videos on how to help to betrayed get past infidelity.

I asked her a few weeks ago to watch those videos, to start to help her understand what I was going thru. She wasn't going to inform me that she was watching them, but when I noticed her vocab changing, I start feeling better.

Yesterday, we made love 3 times. She told me "I love you", an endless amount of times. She informed me she wants to renew our vowels and get matching tatts. So the journey continues.

I provided this update because there isn't much in piecing.

Some advice, I want to give is, be patient with your W, be patient with your Kids, be patient with this process, be patient with yourself, and be patient with patience.

Take your time and let the healing and process work, I'm a very impatient person, but as I work thru this, I now understand that expectations need to be monitored and quilled. Love yourself so you can love others.

The process don't end when reconciling begins, a new process just begins.

Keep you'll heads up LBS's. I can't think the Sandi's and 25's, and AS enough for the advice and the J9, holding, Jim1234 and all the others for the support. What a GOD sent this place is.

I'm living proof that if you use the advice given here, you will be given the best chance at healing your M. And, i'm no different from any other LBS that has came here.
_________________________
M:34 W:34
T:8 M:7
S13, S10, S7, S1
BD:06/28/17
OM confirmed 07/20/17
Recon the M 10/29/17
Working hard:2gether

Onward and forward

This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.

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#2782149 - 03/19/18 01:57 PM Re: We are moving forward on this journey together [Re: joejoe1]
25yearsmlc Offline
Member

Registered: 04/03/06
Posts: 13511
Loc: CA- now East coast
Keep posting and keep at this, JoeJoe.

It's hard work and that's why I always shake my head when someone sees so much "evidence" of a change of heart in 2 days of "no fighting".

You are encountering the reality of marital repair and as long as you remember the part you played in how you got here and she sees your work, you can show her that the marriage is worth the effort.

One thing, any WAS who returns can't have their mistake held over their head or shoves it in their face, when the reality is that their spouse played a role in how unfilled their love tanks are.

I do NOT say this^^ to every LBS. Just so you know.

But I'm so impressed with your accountability and your wife's, that I really do have hope for you guys reconciling, and piecing, and restoring your marriage. To me, it's sort of a 3 step process.

Keep at it!
_________________________
M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change

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#2782206 - 03/20/18 06:35 AM Re: We are moving forward on this journey together [Re: 25yearsmlc]
mtb1981 Offline
Member

Registered: 06/11/13
Posts: 380
Loc: Illinois
Glad to hear you're doing well, joejoe. My W has recently moved back in and has agreed to MC, but I have no expectations. Just gonna take things slow and monitor progress...
_________________________
Me: 36
W:30
Kids: S15(mine from previous R), D9, S8, S2
M: 10 years
T:12 years
BD:Jan 3, 2018
W moved out: Apr 13,2018

"Surrender to the Flow"...

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#2782378 - 03/21/18 07:44 AM Re: We are moving forward on this journey together [Re: mtb1981]
joejoe1 Offline
Member

Registered: 08/25/17
Posts: 817
Loc: San Antonio, Texas
25,

Thanks so much for all the help and stern information. You gave me your candid perspective on what kind of husband I was and how I made my W feel. You help quill my expectations. What are the three steps?

You are right, about not holding what she did over her head. I asked the same questions over and over and over. Now I'm starting to move on from those questions.

MTB,

Please, please, please, take it slow. You are going to have so many ups and downs. Get prepared for it now. Life has no definite outcomes but death. So dont put expectations on yourself or your W. Learn to become a safe place. You will want to know things and you are going to want her to be honest, understand, that some of the answers will hurt, but you have to let her provide you with the truth, without you becoming, angry, cold, or mean. The more she sees she can talk to you about how she feels, the more she will open up and the more she will be open to answer any question you ask.

The above dynamic helps you and your W become best friends. You will know her shame, her guilt, her pain and deepest hurt. Don't take knowing those things for granted. Even thou it hurts you, it helps her, and in turn, she will also learn the same about you.

Stay confident as much as you can. I walked thru some pity for a while, try your hardest to push past and thru those times. Keep the pressure off and keep your head up.
_________________________
M:34 W:34
T:8 M:7
S13, S10, S7, S1
BD:06/28/17
OM confirmed 07/20/17
Recon the M 10/29/17
Working hard:2gether

Onward and forward

This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.

Top
#2782451 - 03/22/18 05:05 AM Re: We are moving forward on this journey together [Re: joejoe1]
mtb1981 Offline
Member

Registered: 06/11/13
Posts: 380
Loc: Illinois
Thanks, joejoe

I understand exactly what you are saying. Like I said, I have no expectations and I want to take it slow. I'm happy to have her back home and have the opportunity to fix things. I have become a much better listener and do my best to validate her. I want her to feel comfortable talking to me. That was a big issue with us in the past. I was very critical and usually said something that would upset her (even though that was not my intention). I ask myself often if what I'm going to say will be beneficial to healing our relationship and making my W feel comfortable opening up to me, and I've caught myself many times. I told her that the love between us is there, and that we need to feed it. I also told her I only needed 3 things from her: honesty, respect, and loyalty, and that I plan on giving her the same. With that and taking it slow, things will slowly fall into place and each day will be a little better than the last...
_________________________
Me: 36
W:30
Kids: S15(mine from previous R), D9, S8, S2
M: 10 years
T:12 years
BD:Jan 3, 2018
W moved out: Apr 13,2018

"Surrender to the Flow"...

Top
#2782522 - 03/22/18 11:08 PM Re: We are moving forward on this journey together [Re: mtb1981]
joejoe1 Offline
Member

Registered: 08/25/17
Posts: 817
Loc: San Antonio, Texas
MT,

You got it. Take it slow! Impatient will kill momentum. So learning patient is a part of growing and improving. Learning patient takes practice and effort.
_________________________
M:34 W:34
T:8 M:7
S13, S10, S7, S1
BD:06/28/17
OM confirmed 07/20/17
Recon the M 10/29/17
Working hard:2gether

Onward and forward

This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.

Top
#2785491 - 04/16/18 01:35 AM Re: We are moving forward on this journey together [Re: joejoe1]
Steve85 Online
Member

Registered: 02/09/18
Posts: 1488
joejoe, thanks so much for posting this. I feel like my wife and are moving towards piecing, but I am having many of the same emotions that you are. Last week (or the week before) I really started thinking about just telling her I was giving up and moving on to D. This would have crushed her. She has started to turn around since mid-Feb and want to work on the MR and heal things.

But I get frustrated because things are moving fast enough. Or as you mentioned what happened on your trip I will start spiraling when we are apart as I wonder what she is up to.

She continues to assure me she is doing nothing wrong, but I keep thinking about the "Believe nothing they say.....". Even when i was snooping and monitoring that she was engaged in messaging the OM, she was telling me nothing was going on, they are just friends. Etc.

Anyway, thanks it is nice to see others having the same thoughts and feelings that I am.
_________________________
M(49), W(50)
D(14)
M-19, T-21
Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017

No God, no peace. Know God, know peace.

Decided to give her 1 year to get her act together. I will file for D on 1/2/2019

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#2785727 - 04/17/18 02:00 PM Re: We are moving forward on this journey together [Re: Steve85]
joejoe1 Offline
Member

Registered: 08/25/17
Posts: 817
Loc: San Antonio, Texas
Steve,

Yeah the triggers, reminders, and spirals are horrible. I have focused on finding ways to work thru those thoughts. I also let my W know when some big ones hit.

We are doing good. But I have a hard time saying it will last. My W feels like we will be ok. I'm constantly improving myself, that's my mission. I want a better M.

Here's the thing, sooner or later we as LBS have to start to trust again for the M to grow, the problem we run into is when to drop our guard, because we don't want to ever feel that pain and misery we felt on BD. The other thing we must realize as LBS is it's not our S job to heal us its our own, and if you are like me, I was trying to make my W heal me. She has to focus on healing herself. Once we let go of being the fixer ibthink the M grows, if we hold on to that card of I can't trust you our M and growth will stagnate.

So I'm figure out now how to drop my guard and trust again. I figure out how to let go of the control of fixing and allow the work to happen.

I wish this thread had more activity.
_________________________
M:34 W:34
T:8 M:7
S13, S10, S7, S1
BD:06/28/17
OM confirmed 07/20/17
Recon the M 10/29/17
Working hard:2gether

Onward and forward

This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.

Top
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