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Ahhhhhhhh

Only time will tell and you got plenty of it.

I would M again with a pre nup though.

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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I think I could remarry, but not at all soon.

Maybe never and for sure not without a prenup.

Still planning to move abroad this fall. Enrolling in certification course to teach this June, as I don't think I can start sooner.

Looks as if eastern Europe or South America are most likely, but we'll see. (Much of Europe makes it harder for Americans to get work visas over EU member nations).

Different topic - Some car thefts and smash ins crimes happened the past 3 months in my upscale area. IN the parking garage where I take my dog to go outside after midnight if need be. So M put a deadbolt lock in my door.

I really like that he did that. Made me feel protected.

OTOH I had a dream of x h last night. Woke up missing him. UGH.


Had to remind myself of how lousy he was to me, just to shake the idea of him or a recon out of my head.

How long does this^^^ last? Plus, the whole "oh wait, Remember the crap he did" exercise yanks me backwards...but if I don't do that, then I feel a heartbreak feeling of loss. And when I do it, (ie remember the bad so I don't miss him) it still hurts and feels like a setback.

I mean, I woke up with a heart ache, and kept yanking myself back to reality, and then steering forward into MY future. Just to get out of bed. IT's been a long time since I woke feeling that way. Okay so then I bought new sheets (seriously good ones, btw) and really bright throw pillows and began looking online for places to live overseas.

New places, new work, new people, new activities...

I guess this is how we do it, right?


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 8,855
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It lasts until the dreams become nightmares.

Then the Scooby stuff gets way too weird. You might want to look at Fogg post in Surviving.

I get daymares too.

4 years in and still having scarey thoughts.

Uggggggggg

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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Costa Rica? Chile? Ecuador?
I love the idea of living abroad. I'd like to do it when I retire, but I'm not sure I'll be free of caretaking responsibilities by that time (mom and kids) so I might have to settle for just vacations.

I have no desire to marry again, although I'd be happy to have a good long term partner. I'd certainly never marry without an ironclad prenup. Right now, I'm happy just to have a sexy friend I see once a month or so. (Not nearly enough sex but on the other hand I have enough energy for all the other people in my life who need me.)

Don't worry, the dreams/nightmares go away.

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25, I have half as much time invested with Mr. Fantastic as you had with your ex, and weird things catch me from time to time. Like, a picture of one of my kids as a baby, with his left hand (wearing wedding band) in the picture, balancing the baby. That sight was SO familiar to me and it woke up a sadness that I thought had gone away. Because, what a stupid ending, you know? Here we had this enormous familiarity together, experiences together that neither of us will ever have with anyone else (like the births of our children) and he had to poison them with this clumsy, selfish, abusive stupid ending.

So, four years after he moved out, I don’t wake up crying anymore, he rarely moves me to tears (and only because we still share young children), but yeah, there’s a well of sadness with his name on it and I don’t expect that to go away ever.

On the other hand, because of his choices, I get to make some big decisions of my own, and have the freedom to reinvent my life in a way that makes me happy. Just like you’re doing with the plans to move abroad! So when you wake up from a nightmare or are troubled by all this, remember to thank him for liberating you to this great adventure.

So excited to hear you’re doing stand up again!!!

(((25)))


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
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incredibly helpful Maybell

Such a stupid - expensive - PAINFUL - (to me AND to our children & even to HIM, unless he's completely insane/moronic - Ending...


and yet, every time I hear that there is trouble in paradise with him or OW, or I find a funny memory of us, or I find myself with loving emotions and then LOSS of course, (was he THE love of my life? Like, the ONLY one?) it's like a scab gets torn off.

AND on occasion I even find myself wondering about a recon..."what would it take??"

and I really have to slap myself hard to remember, "Oh yeah...he sure was great, we were so well suited and and and ---- AND HE WAS ALSO really terrible and so oblivious..."

Lacking empathy is the hallmark of a narcissist. Even if he faced his losses and the pain HE inflicted and tried to make amends,

the lack of empathy would mean I'm always at risk for deep heartache. I don't think you can fix a lack of empathy. ??

IF he does not lack empathy but hides from the pain he actually feels for causing so much...

then the amount of compartmentalizing he must do to suppress the guilt and remorse I WOULD HAVE in his shoes...

Ah but this is circular. He is not who I thought he was and he does not share my values

so that, is that. Ugh.

It's as if settling and getting the money makes me face the END of the end...if that makes sense.

How can I really let another man into my heart? I'm not very afraid of being hurt b/c I know I'll never be hurt like this again.

It's more like, how can I give my heart to another man, fully? I don't think I have it in me.


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 13,511
Likes: 1
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Originally Posted By: kml
Costa Rica? Chile? Ecuador?

Chile yes, Argentina and Brazil. I'm not at all fond of jungles and humidity so if it were the west coast of Costa Rica, maybe.

Also, I must confess I'd like an area where I'm more attracted to the men in there, so that means the countries above that I named, Europe, and some other parts of the world.

My brother lived in Costa Rica for 4 years, but on the eastern part. It rained a lot for me.

Maybe the western coasts of those countries could work. I also speak some French so, you know, not so helpful in Central America.

I cannot explain this - but Argentina, Chile and Brazil are more exotic to ME than Central America.

Europe, eastern and whatever I can get in 90 day chunks in Italy/France/Spain are other ideas.

Once there, I'm told (indirectly) I can look for work at companies that need contract law, and business terms explained and translated. That pays decently compared to teaching civilians. Thing is, I don't need a LOT of income, and maybe don't need any if I simply spend less on rent there than I do here.

And that is an easy thing to do b/c I live in a pricey area and had to get NEXT to the subway b/c I could not drive yet at the time. So just lowering my rent will allow me to have some disposable income there.

If you guys can get over there, you have a place to stay. I just don't know where that will be.

Sort of getting afraid of this. "move to a foreign country where you know only your dog. Sure!"

But I'm pretty committed and can't really back out now.

That's probably a good thing. OH and the thing about the job is, I want and need one for SOCIAL reasons. Not so much financial.

Otherwise I'm wandering around with my dog and NOT able to speak the language - a bit too wacky even for me.

Okay now's the time to tell me that if I don't do this now, I never will.

Oh, I just told myself that.



I love the idea of living abroad. I'd like to do it when I retire, but I'm not sure I'll be free of caretaking responsibilities by that time (mom and kids) so I might have to settle for just vacations.

well you have a place to stay!! And Elle, you're an MD. What about a 90 day deal? Or Doctors without Borders?

I'd LOVE to work with them - but they seem not to hire a lot of lawyers. I think they tend to focus on...yikes, what is it? Can't remember...Hmmm, oh wait, I KNOW - it's patient care.)

I think I could fake being a doctor (God knows, I sure did for JURIES!!! cool) for a few weeks if, well, if no one expected anything of me

but sage comforting advice, or birthing babies (cue "Gone with the Wind" now).

Of course, Doctors Without Borders folks probably do more than that....AND that is where YOU come in. Just Skype me thru some neuro or heart surgeries (hey, I'm good with my hands) and live vicariously through me.

A few months before my mom died, I told my sisters that xh and I were going to live abroad b/c it was OUR dream. I didn't get the "only Alaska and only full time" memo.

My sister said she'd kill me if I did that since mom's light was just beginning to dim a bit.

She knew she'd need help, but mom checked out before that day happened. Until you just wrote that, I guess I never saw an "upside" to mom being gone. I miss her madly and she left a gaping hole in my life.

But I am freer, aren't I? Same goes for X being an ex.

Well aren't I the "glass is half full" woman tonight??



I have no desire to marry again, although I'd be happy to have a good long term partner.


Wow yes, I hear you. The upside to marriage in my eyes, NOW, is that you can feel a sense of "we belong together" that I do miss. (And yes I know I was, evidently quite wrong in thinking I was "safe" with x. Dang, that still causes me pain and grief. I'm a month post divorce. Could be a TAD soon to expect closure)

As I date M and meet other men on occasion (for lunch or random introductions, not actually "seeing OM's" at this time although M and I have no exclusivity arrangement yet and I really do want to date others and have M date others too).

I find I'm constantly reminding myself that "Hey we are not married, it's okay to just hang out and enjoy" but then thinking "could I spend my LIFE with this guy?"

And if not, am I wasting his time or mine? M is far ahead of me b/c he's been separated 4+ years.

Sheesh, I'm over thinking.



I'd certainly never marry without an ironclad prenup.

if I met a gazillionaire I would not need a prenup at all. Just a really nice engagement gift...of an annuity or such. Let's go where the rich nice guys are...first, find out where that is and THEN we need to go. Your mom will totally understand.

Otherwise, yes a prenup.



Right now, I'm happy just to have a sexy friend I see once a month or so. (Not nearly enough sex but on the other hand I have enough energy for all the other people in my life who need me.)

Don't worry, the dreams/nightmares go away.


I need them to go away and focus on MY future and not freak out about it.

OMG

So xh just reached out to me by email for filing taxes jointly for 2017. Says we will split the refund.

It's darn tempting to agree to, and he was polite in the email. Yes he needs something.

I immediately wrote a polite & informed response, but then put it in my drafts. I don't need to rush an answer to him.

Christ, it's the 10th. Taxes are Due next week. I don't want x to know I took classes and earned virtually nothing. (Why do I give a damn?)

Guess I could say "I don't owe taxes due to my advanced studies"...

"OH and due to the fact I'm RECOVERING from the internal whacks to the head that got me in a neuro ICU for 6 days... Remember? Oh, wait. You were not there."

Today a dear friend who means well, told me that OW does not look happy with X and that OW gained weight and they have not married yet.


WHAT????????????????????? Hm, well I LOST WEIGHT and her IQ didn't go up. So, I win...

Wow, on that petulant note, I need to pull myself away and THINK and go for a walk, aka
a "fury march".

I appreciate you guys and you make me laugh. Trying to remember the things we spoke of months ago about the weirdest things we heard about our flaws.

Of course x never told me to my face, but he did once say he could not believe I wasn't in the senate by now. Yeah, the US Senate.

And at the time he was "just up the road" (300 miles) for his unnecessary fellowship. So I was a single mom, again, for 2 girls.

"Sure, let's go campaigning kids! It'll be FUN!"

So HIS expectations OF me were insanely high and really impossible to meet, and he managed my expectations of him to almost nothing.

"Hey, Don't shoot me" was an expectation he met, I guess...
.


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 18,913
Likes: 316
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kml Offline
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Quote:
Let's go where the rich nice guys are...first, find out where that is and THEN we need to go.


Haha - I like the way you think! I guess I used to think of it the other way around - that I might be especially attractive to some sexy Spaniard looking for a green card and escape from the economic doldrums in Spain. But I like your idea of a rich guy better!

As for the taxes - your ex probably just realized how much more he's going to have to pay in taxes. You could always ask him to send you his information so you can run the numbers ( it'll give you a chance to see just how much he's been lying about his income!) then tell him you've decided not to file together. Or if there actually WILL be a good refund it might be worth doing (although it's equally possible that he didn't pay all the estimated taxes he should have and you filing with him would just allow him to break even rather than owe money).

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Originally Posted By: kml
[quote]Let's go where the rich nice guys are...first, find out where that is and THEN we need to go.


I need the website!! (I'll pass it on to you asap).

RE ONLINE DATING

So a 29 y/o posted to me even though I posted "no one closer in age to my 30 y/o son, than to me." He either didn't read it or, didn't understand it OR only focussed on my other comment

I had written in my profile that "I like a man who can open a pickle jar."

So this 29 y/o guy flexes his muscles for the photo! laugh OMG I thought it was so funny and a tiny bit endearing, and maybe witty???

But here's the kicker.

BEHIND HIM in the photo, is a pile of DIRTY laundry, strewn about in a poorly lit room with an overhead "interrogation room" light, and an open can of something other than cat food, and a CAT near that can...!

"Hey 29y/o, thanks for sending me the whole picture and oh, I'm not sure we are well suited and... buh bye."

I may put this^^ in my set Monday night. As part of what I've learned with OLD and what I may suggest.
Such as "no 'nose up" photos. NO ONE is flattered by those." Also photos of places that lack YOU in them.

Paris? That's nice. Were you there? Living there now? Going there? (Taking me?) Why are you posting a photo of Paris.

Same for photos of wild animals that cannot be pets of yours (or I hope not)/ like elephants and lions. WHAT DO THOSE PICS MEAN? Pictures that resembler mug shots are also a turn off for me. But then, maybe I'm being picky.

Also what is with the photos of the TOP of your head? Even those with hair, why only show me that? Why the mystery?

Are you a celebrity, a spy or a wanted man? Shouldn't I know what you look like before we meet b/c - you know, I won't meet you otherwise...


unless you're in my "rich guy" set that KML and I are in. But you'd have to reveal that somehow, so, you know, I doubt it's helping their response rate.





Haha - I like the way you think! I guess I used to think of it the other way around - that I might be especially attractive to some sexy Spaniard looking for a green card and escape from the economic doldrums in Spain. But I like your idea of a rich guy better!

As you can tell, I've given this the attention it so richly deserves.

And notice I'm NOT saying "I want to find a rich doctor" b/c I know there's a 1st wife out there who will justifiably hate me.

As for the taxes - your ex probably just realized how much more he's going to have to pay in taxes. You could always ask him to send you his information so you can run the numbers ( it'll give you a chance to see just how much he's been lying about his income!) then tell him you've decided not to file together.

FYI in case I didn't say this before, I won't get any refund by filing separately. So I'm not losing money by "helping" him,

but I'm risking --

1) getting nothing b/c he might not do as he promises b/c you know, it's him. He can "Forget/change his mind/blame me for 30576 things that he now remembers, and thus, recalls that I don't deserve for him to keep his word..."

or 2) he can screw up the taxes, again, and maybe get me snagged in for liability.

But I feel like the innocent spouse rule would help me b/c of the release AND b/c I have literally not seen or heard from him in the year 2017

AND I have his pleadings in which he claims to have "retired". So it's not as if I KNOW he earned more.

3) he could show me huge high numbers and rub my face in it, ("after all the years of slogging thru poverty - look at ME now!! And you, 25, get none of it! Neither do our kids. [censored] sandwiches for everyone!")

in which case that just [censored], again, but there are easier ways to flaunt his wealth.


But at least I'm not spinning anymore at the big "outreach" from him. I snapped back to the "oh yeah, that is how he was but NOW he's this other dude" rather than

me sliding down into the "I'm missing the man he was --(see recent dreams)--- and maybe this is an inroad...and maybe he has realized what he's done and is sorry and maybe he IS a unicorn"

which I actually think at some level, I hoped/believed, much to my chagrin.


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
Joined: Mar 2017
Posts: 723
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I think I would love to sit through your set. Break a leg!


M:23 T:26
Me:53, Wife: 60
S:18
D:16
filed 7/16
W moved out 4/28/17
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