25years mlc 10 years pass I FILE #9 LAST LAP

[25yearsmlc]

Just got this text message from "Shine" which is a group that texts you M-F with little motivational quotes.

Today's message definitely resonated.

"Good Luck, today 25. No really. Luck, like gratitude, isn't about what happens today. It's about how you *see* it."

It's what you do with the "bad" events and the perspective you take that matters.

What looks like terrible luck today could turn out to be Great Luck, tomorrow.

There are elements of this^^ we do control. We have to exercise choice. We can avoid feeling as if we are victims on a sinking boat.

We can swim to shore.

[kml]

My failings as a wife are simply not the kind you leave someone for. I loved him, I was loyal to him, I made him laugh a lot and I did not reject him or nag or criticize him.

I'd say the same about my marriage, 25. Now, from a distance, I have peace in my heart that I did everything possible to save my marriage. And most likely it was only because I WAS a good spouse that we last for 26 years. He probably could not have lasted as long with someone else.

(Odd story - recently I was messaging a friend I haven't seen in a long time. I told her we needed to get together for a drink, that I had a lot to tell her. (All the crazy stuff that's gone on in the last year is what I was thinking about. ) Her husband is very good friends with my ex and the first words that popped out of her mouth were "Oh, is your ex getting divorced?"

Now I have no idea why she jumped to that conclusion. As far as I know there's no trouble in paradise ; I don't speak with him but the kids haven't mentioned anything off. And remember, his wife was not an OW so I bear her no ill will. Still makes me wonder - if friends of theirs think that's a possibility now, doesn't seem like the odds of them lasting 26 years together are very good, )

You did your very best, 25. This isn't about you but about him and his weakness. We got the best years out of our men and anyone coming after gets our leftovers and has to compete with our shadow,

[Gordie]

25–

Thank you for posting that waw letter to Steve. Wow.

Geordie

[25yearsmlc]

My failings as a wife are simply not the kind you leave someone for. I loved him, I was loyal to him, I made him laugh a lot and I did not reject him or nag or criticize him.

I'd say the same about my marriage, 25. Now, from a distance, I have peace in my heart that I did everything possible to save my marriage. And most likely it was only because I WAS a good spouse that we last for 26 years. He probably could not have lasted as long with someone else.

You know, now that you word it this^^ way, I see that it is absolutely true.

First off, the OW he's with now would NOT marry a poor veterinary student, but I did.

She would not marry a struggling medical student, but I had our first child 8 weeks before he began medical school.

No, a lesser woman would not have accomplished or endured or loved nearly as much as I did. I find myself wondering if x h ever lets himself question down deep that OW marrying a double board certified physician is a helluva lot easier than what I did...which was to get him there.

IF he can even look inward, and Im not sure he can, he must know she's proving nothing good by marrying him at this stage of life.

I get mad that she will reap the benefits of my work and my sacrifices and those of our children.

But see? That^^ is the sunk cost theory and the belief that he'd "get back to normal", and then SHE will benefit from his character transplant, that kept me in the marriage too long.

Thanks for helping me remember.

(Odd story - recently I was messaging a friend I haven't seen in a long time. I told her we needed to get together for a drink, that I had a lot to tell her. (All the crazy stuff that's gone on in the last year is what I was thinking about. ) Her husband is very good friends with my ex and the first words that popped out of her mouth were "Oh, is your ex getting divorced?"
Still makes me wonder - if friends of theirs think that's a possibility now, doesn't seem like the odds of them lasting 26 years together are very good, )

You did your very best, 25. This isn't about you but about him and his weakness. We got the best years out of our men and anyone coming after gets our leftovers and has to compete with our shadow,

First off, the anecdote is interestingly telling and sad.

We all want karma. We all want to know when it's going to be fair. I try to remind myself that the "fairness equation" is NOT about what he is doing or getting, but about what I'm getting for myself and what I'm discovering for myself.

On my "off" days, (which are fewer, thank God) I will try to remember the goodness within^^^ about myself.


Thank you.

I guess hearing that there are wedding plans being made, did hurt. Even though I ASSUMED it, hearing it said out loud is different.

Ironically, I find that now that I am divorced, I am less interested in committing to a relationship with anyone. In other words, now that I'm free and out of the crapstorm, I'm not feeling the need, which makes me wonder a lot of things.

I know that making me the enemy and cause of all x h's ills, unites him and OW. (Because it partly united me and M). Now that it's over, I feel like i can take a breath & look around.



Oh so the guy I am dating, M,
told me he inadvertently stumbled upon this site and read some of my posts.

(The explanation he had, made sense, to an extent. It involved a testimonial I gave about the workshop I've mentioned attending, which I've posted here. Some DBers have attended. So there was a cross reference, and he read it and realized it was me. He confessed that he then read on...)

I told M that it freaked me out that he read my posts, once he knew it was me.

He claims that he was so surprised at what I'm willing to disclose "in public" that he actually brought it up to his T. His T suggested he just ask me, (though I'm not sure what there is to ask. )

Seriously, is it Why do I disclose so much? Um, b/c it's anonymous, that's why! And b/c I am an open person and want input from others who are like me, or are going thru something like I am.

This may be a "public forum" but I don't share my name here. For ME, this is like a diary in which I involve other anonymous people who also share and disclose things we would likely NOT share or disclose with our names attached.

I felt violated and I told him so. (It really turned me off and I'm still processing it.)

He promises not to read this anymore, and I mostly believe him.

Is it weird to think reading these violates boundaries? Yeah the boundaries are unspoken b/c I did not know anyone would figure out who I am AND THEN read more. It's not something I had ever thought of, other than worrying on occasion about xh.

M read some of what I wrote about him, which felt very weird. I mean, not just a violation but almost creepy.

I disclose a lot and I'm very open IRL anyhow. X H was less open (oh, and also a liar) and M is an introvert.

I am not all that crazy about introverts lately. Seems to me that disclosure is what builds intimacy. (That's why telling co-workers or others, private things about your spouse is so Uncool to me.)

X H sort of had a double life, I think. Man, he must have really put things in compartments and over time, that just does something to you, doesn't it?

I am so open and assumed that if you said nothing to me about a problem, you did not have a problem. To hear what x says now, (the little I hear) is as if he was miserable for years and he told my BIL, "this was coming for a long time."

Oh, really?? Gosh, I SURE WISH I HAD KNOWN that, you a$$*(&%. Did not get that memo. And I'd have cut him loose a long time ago if that were the case.

okay okay...no point in revisiting that...EXCEPT to say that I'm not that comfortable with introverts and discovering that M read my posts even knowing they were private. He commented on how much I disclose -- so why keep reading the posts if you think I'm so open that I'm revealing myself too much?

Does that make sense?

Anyhow, thanks for the feedback KML.

Not sure why x's likely remarriage hit me hard today (when I heard it) but I had awakened to a nightmare about him in front of me, with some OW. In it, he seemed to think I had really let myself go.

BTW, I have lost the FEW lbs I had struggled with while with xh.

it's ironic b/c when married to x, and being gluten free and all the rest of that rigid PALEO PALEO PALEO stuff he so imposed on all of us, and the Bataan death marches he called walks...

it was a lot harder to lose.

So I am actually looking better than I have in years. Oh, the irony.

Elle, again, thank you. I needed to remind myself of these crazy mean things xh did to remind myself that "losing him" to Alaska or OW, is not an actual loss to me.

Thanks for reading this tome of mine.

[25yearsmlc]

25–

Thank you for posting that waw letter to Steve. Wow.

Geordie

you're welcome, it's a powerful one. That's why I copied it all those years ago. I think the poster was (Denver something.)

[Vanilla]

This is what I want to say

25 this is an open forum and also intimate too, I expect it to be read by those who know me. The G has read my posts. I had to stop for a while in case it damaged my D fin hearing.

I think that's good, one day like V you might want to write your story in ordinary form, "going Alaskan", mine is "storm in DD cup"..........

I decided I would be open, and authentic (BTW this isn't the same as being an introvert, it is a different personality factor).

I present myself with my warts. I am unafraid. This is who I am at this time.

So my view to anyone reading is "get over it already", unless they agreed like Mr Bluwave not to read, then know you have a very valuable open lady in your life, who has had an extraordinary journey. Incidentally EE is an extraordinary course, I graduated too.

Now let's look at marrying OW. There is a certain sort of man who needs a new target to be permanent. They fear being alone or abandoned. An OW is a soft place to land. The G finds OW with tangible resources, your ex finds OW who revere him which makes him psychologically weak.

They need someone to rely on and to treat quite badly, to ignore but who is a housekeeper and caretaker in old age.

Have they actually truly worked on themselves?

In the time you S have they really changed? Did they do EE OR similar and truly absorb?

Did they learn to be a better partner, to learn to grow?

Are they on a path to meet their selfish end?

You and I both know the truth.

As far as your investment and that of your children, investment goes up and down in value. This has headed downwards, in D you get your share of the M spoils if you can identify it from a liar. But investment is more than money, it is functional and assist in life. Truly you can do without that investment, cash it in, cut your losses. Get invested in yourself.

Thank your lucky stars that ex deserves Alaska, that this OW is marriage material for him, that will not have to wipe his entitled arse in old age when he dribbles snot his chin.

You are FREE, taste it, enjoy it and celebrate exH OW and Alaska. This keeps him away from YOU and from taking more from your children.

Let him go.

Write him a letter and burn it. Cleanse your soul, do an exorcism. Release this ghost, you don't need it, it's chains rattle in your mind.

By marrying OW the ex releases you even more. Be sad for her, she doesn't understand that at some stage she will be in your shoes, not you in hers. She better love Alaska because she will die there. In this I do not refer to the beautiful extraordinary region but the snow like wastes of the ex heart with the icicles in his ventricles.

You know this too.

V

[25yearsmlc]

V,

I'm heading out the door with friends but wanted to say

1) no, I did NOT expect this to be read by people who know me in real life. Right or wrong, I just didn't. And for M to read my entries about M, or my marriage and all the personal things, still feels wrong.

To be clear, I'm not furious. I am Just weirded out. I see M differently but I'll give that more time, obviously.

AND

2) I'm so glad you went to EE! OMG we talk the same language.

The facilitator told me that a lot of DBers had gone, and I was pretty grateful for that. Everyone who goes, leaves feeling more clarity and that is why I went 2 weeks ago. Thank God.
I purged a lot of grief, and not just about x h. My mom had died the previous summer and that was another piece of my life that was changed. (Her death was "the first sorrow wept in life, without her.")

Once upon a time many years ago, I did EE the first time and h went later, and we bonded the most we ever did.

I'm quite certain that without it, we could not have endured medical school and the unrelenting training and the 2nd child, and my working full time as an Army lawyer, AND hurt my back, and stayed married. Yet we were in love. (Well, I was. And I choose to believe, for now, that we were a happy couple for a long time).

My T says that "of course" there are degrees of narcissism and that in Freudian terms, I was the ego versus his Id. That what appeared to be us happily married, probably was.

Over time he treated me less than well, and in hindsight I now see that he was a real jerk, off and on, since living in Alaska (a very stupid tactic of his, to be honest. Maybe he could not help himself but last year before the crapstorm, he visited the job up there and sent me a photo of a hot tub. Mind you, only a photo and no words. I ASSUME this was b/c I had wanted a hot tub when we lived there, as my back pained me and it would have allowed us to be outside for longer times and see the northern lights and it would have been a quality of life thing for me.

But when h asked me (this is when we first lived there) if I wanted an ATV for an anniversary gift (and he said this with a straight face- I said I'd much rather have a hot tub both for my back and the whole family.

He brought home the ATV anyhow and weirdly, he actually said "happy anniversary" and gave me the keys. He was nervous and that's how he behaved.

Again, it's telling that I recall that moment with such clarity. Maybe if he'd send the photo of the hot tub and SAID something like "I should have gotten this for you long ago. But they do work here!"

But nope, just a photo. I could not tell if he was flaunting something like "NOW I will have what YOU wanted up here and you will be punished for not following me here, again..."

Ambiguous.


At times I am mad at this place. I put up with far too much.

When h went back to Alaska in 2006 alone, I told my then 16D told me, that her dad was "confusing his priorities" as an explanation for the first time him going "to check out a job" (to see if HE liked it there) ---

She replied, that she did not "think Dad's confused. think he's just really selfish."

And I disagreed with her! (It's telling that I recall that moment so clearly, isn't it?)

To answer your question, as far as I know he has not sought Therapy or if he has, it's been a twisted distorted narrative. It would have to be. He certainly has NOT changed for the better and I know this based on a mutual friend who is closer to me than him. And I know this based on what he told our d20.

When confronted about the MANY years of her (D20) life that he spent commuting to work despite being able to work near home, years away from her 5/7 of the time

he told her that the home life had become "toxic" for HIM

and that is why he spent years commuting away from family. (Not sure if Schmoopie OW told him those words or a T tried to justify with him...)

But He never told me he was unhappy, not once. Never even hinted at it. Told ME that he would try to get work that provides a pension near home because "someone has to think of our financial future", which was a shaming technique he used to shut me up. Never mind our d20 then was in intensive therapy and had to withdraw from high school so that yours truly (that would be ME) could care for her and watch her and help her finish high school in some form.

Not sure what was toxic at home, that he had alienated his children and then resented it?
But when he'd come home he'd upset the routine we were forced to establish without him and he was very disruptive as he tried to regain or assert control over what we ate, when we ate, what we Did after dinner, activities were basically dictated by him.

D20 still resents how I allowed that and she struggles with our relationship b/c of that. I struggle with regrets as a mother. I do recall the tension rising when he'd be on his way home.

or maybe the word "Toxic" came up with was an after the fact rationalization to justify very neglectful and often atrocious behavior.
[i]
(And if it was so toxic, why'd he leave the kids with me? OR were THEY the toxins? Oh, how Nice to say to our d20...)

AND I'm sure it had nothing to do with prior OWs...regardless it's clear x h did not want to be a full time dad or husband for a long time but lacked the ba11's to just leave and file.

In fact when I filed, he texted me a "Wtf?" message. Like he was actually surprised that cutting off the joint accounts - while I was impaired - was not a lousy thing to do. Sheesh, this hurts to write but it's also a relief b/c you are so right about my need to RUN.

Really he did lead a double life. Surely that takes a toll on them, doesn't it?

Of course I "should" not care. I'm getting there!

Many days I feel I wasted a lot of time on him. Years of my life I cannot get back.

Waiting for the "great guy" he once was, (I think), to return. To feel that I wasted years of my life WAITING for the good guy to return, can be unbearably depressing and frustrating.

So I remind myself to not regret the time I had with my children, (= married to their dad)

and to embrace the life I now have in front of me. To live as I wish.

I will read your posts again, V. Thank you.

(((( V ))))

[25yearsmlc]

PS

I'm going to the graduate workshop in June. Cape May.

Any interest?

[Vanilla]

PS

I'm going to the graduate workshop in June. Cape May.

Any interest?

I am waiting for my exam schedule to see if it's possible.

V

[25yearsmlc]

Just returned from a family wedding in Puerto Rico.

It was planned long ago and the bride & groom (she's my niece, and yes, I have a LOT of nieces getting married) --- stuck it out for their destination wedding in PR, despite the hurricane last fall.

And it was beautiful. She's a stunner, the groom is handsome and YET they're both very kind, funny and smart. (See how I noted my stereotypes?)

So, how was it for me, going to a wedding, as a recently divorced woman?

Well, at this wedding, it was fine. I mean, so far so good.

A brief minute during the ceremony with the marriage music, hit me. I thought about how x was missing another landmark event and that we would no longer be holding hands at these.

We have so much shared history - seems down the tubes --is it?

Then at the reception, the dancing made me miss x for a bit. (X is a gifted dancer, maybe the best I've known). When you dance together for decades, you know how the other moves and you know how to respond to their moves.

THEN I thought, "look what x is missing!" He's losing out!

The reception was really fun, really happy, very very warm and I danced my rear end off. I had a ball there, and I went exploring in PR by myself AND with siblings and nieces. Went on tours, and every local was friendly and over the top hospitable. Truly. They made up for the remnants of the hurricane damage.

The more I found myself in a stimulating new environment, the fewer reminders of x, AND the happier I became.

Hence the whole GAL thing. IT WORKS.

GAL - New people, new places, new activities

= LESS RUMINATIONS & LESS REGRET.

Next

My older kids drove 4 hours north to where x left tons of stuff in our storage unit (I had taken 1/3 of our things b/c I naively thought x would be grateful I was so above reproach).

They did not "clear it out" so much as they took what was important to THEM (& had asked me what my priorities were and I only had 3)

and we chose to leave the rest. X stopped paying for it a year ago, and my s31 has been covering that this whole time. Thankfully it's in X's name.

Yes, there were things we lost, things I miss and feel sad about. It's a loss.

But my own kids said they needed to "let go" and "get some closure" of their own.

I marvel at their honesty and thoughtful behaviors. I was surprised by their sensitivity. And frankness.

I'm sad about some of what they left behind but for me to go see it, ship it and find a place for it here, makes no sense now.

Hopefully, others will enjoy it now...

if my kids can let go of some childhood and or meaningful things that really matter to them, so can I.

I'm so lucky to have them in my life. Feeling grateful

(((( ))))