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kml Offline
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So you have no assets between you except for his retirement? How long were you married, how old is he, and what is the retirement worth? Is it a pension or a 401k?

Also have you applied for SSI or SSDI? What kind of cancer do you have? I know my friend with stage four ovarian cancer applied for SSDI through an accelerated program for people with severe illnesses like hers - it still takes six months before it will pay though

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river10 Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: MarvinF


Has he stated what he wants? Not that his thinking is clear or that you should care, its more about how can you get what you need with the least damage or effort for you.


He doesn't say anything. (Especially now that he's changed his phone number.)
3 weeks after he moved out in July 2015 he said he was going to have his lawyer file for divorce. That never happened. Since then, he has not ever once said the word "divorce." It's actually kind of funny the way he's worded things to specifically avoid using the actual word.

But he's not changed his stance. He's just continued to stall and make all kinds of silly excuses for not moving things forward.

When it got to a point where silly excuses were no longer cutting it, he just started ignoring me when I tried to discuss moving things forward.

Now you might ask why I have been continuously trying to move things forward if I've been torn about it.

My answer to that is that he has moved really far away, lives with OW and has a new job he appears to be excelling in (and his job is working for the city so he's literally tied to his new life in so many ways).

He has had an entire new life now for almost 2 years. He's been gone for almost 3 years. I can't deny that it looks like he is never going to turn back towards me. Even if he wanted to, the easier road is staying where he is. It would take a tremendously huge amount of courage and work for him to leave what he currently has, and as we know, MLCers will take the easier path every time.

What he has: He lives in a lovely little house with OW, who herself has a good paying job. He has a new career working around very important people that seems to make him feel important (which is his biggest issue) even though it pays a lot less than the job he had (and hated) when we were married. And he lives in an area that allows him to golf all the time, year round, and even better, he can golf for free because he also works at a golf course part-time.

What he would be returning to: He'd have to leave his new job, which I don't see happening unless he miraculously gets offered something in this area that he feels would make him feel important.
On top of that, I have no home of my own, live with a relative, have cancer, need a job, and I live in an area where it snows and the weather is only nice about 5 months out of the year.

The sad fact is he has gone so far in his MLC behaviors that he has made it almost impossible to turn around. Circumstances seem to be very, very against us ever reconnecting. Just as I got cancer, he got a successful new career.

It does seem as though circumstances have aligned to make it easy for him to continue on in replay feeling as though he has made the right choice (he moved far away and has not really faced any consequences, his new job seems to be working out, etc).

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river10 Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: kml
So you have no assets between you except for his retirement? How long were you married, how old is he, and what is the retirement worth? Is it a pension or a 401k?

Also have you applied for SSI or SSDI? What kind of cancer do you have? I know my friend with stage four ovarian cancer applied for SSDI through an accelerated program for people with severe illnesses like hers - it still takes six months before it will pay though


We have been married for 11 years (he left a few months before our 9th anniversary), together for 16 years.

We are both 43. He'll be 44 in 2 months.

We sold our house 2 years before BD. We were underwater and took a loss.
The retirement is a 401K and unbeknownst to me, he dipped into it the year before BD and took a big loan, so he's already spent his half. What's left is mine by law.

I don't know the exact worth, but it's enough that it's worth making sure it gets transferred over to me. And at this point, I'll take whatever I can get.

I have advanced breast cancer but I was not approved for SSI/SSDI.

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kml Offline
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You may need legal help to get the SSDI or SSI through - they like to refuse everyone the first time. Perhaps legal aid could help with that?

The good news is you have been married for over ten years - that means in the future you can collect social security spousal or widow's benefits based on his earning record - could be helpful if he earns more than you.

Meanwhile - you need to take the focus off of him and put it onto getting well.

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River

I'm sorry..You are going through a lot-

Don't take his choices personal,,
His MLC was never because of you

They don't give it much thought I believe until the rubber hits the road and you will not know what its like inside of the lovely house and in his skin,,

I think for most of us the key is to let go--totally- If they return we can reevaluate
for now we are on our own-

Spend the rest of your energy to create a place for wellness and healing in thought and environment
read, listen to tapes
anything to help letting go

If you can see a therapist to help work through the loss and the cancer--many therapists will work sliding scale and the state usually also has agencies and support groups that run very cheap-
Other people going through similar issues is so valuable

If you can:
Change your thoughts
wish them the best and practice letting go
Seek therapy and support if you haven't already
get more information on your rights legally and financially
and see if the state can help you get what is yours

When my XH left with no contact I needed to get a passport for our then 14 year old...
I could not locate him to sign the document so I went before a judge...she signed it and she asked me if I wanted to find him to get child support...I said no because I took our business from him when he began showing up high to work so I was ok financially
The most important thing is to figure out the best plan for you to move forward..MY XH didn't like my choice to boot him from our company but it was going down the tubes under his care and I had 2 school age kids to raise alone-
Do you and let him go-


married 14 years
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Kyh Offline
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Hi River,

I’m sorry you’re here, but you have found a great group of people. You’ve got some great advice. I just wanted to add that in addition to a sliding scale for IC like Peace mentioned, some practices offer free group support. The office my old IC worked at did one a week at night. I don’t know how common that is but when I was researching counselors I saw another office in my town did a regular free support meeting too.

Please take care and stay positive!

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river10 Offline OP
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Thank you for the replies. I'm sorry I don't get to reply often or comment on many other threads. I am so tired all the time from treatment and I think chemo often interferes with my ability to concentrate on reading more than a paragraph or two at a time.

I guess I have to accept that getting anything out of him is hopeless. It's been hard to wrap my head around the fact that he would do this to me. He basically just walked away, not even bothering to get divorced, and started a whole new life for himself.

It's hard because my future is so uncertain. I know I need to put the focus on myself but I can't even make plans because with my treatment ongoing and the future of my health uncertain, I can't even make plans for the future. I need a job very badly but I can't just go out and start interviewing while I'm in treatment and don't know how much time that will entail. I also have a few more surgeries that will need to be done that can't be done until several months after I finish all chemo and other treatments.

I feel like my life has stalled, and it hurts more to see H's life moving forward without me while I'm stuck and unable to do anything.

If he were doing drugs or something, I could maybe understand better. Before he left, he was definitely dealing with anxiety and depression. He even borrowed some books on depression from me (he never gave them back but I doubt he still has them).

But now he's far away, I never see or hear from him and it's easy to imagine that he is just fine and happy in his new life. I just don't understand why he was still able to talk to me over text or email, and even though he ignored most communication about the divorce, he was still civil and sometimes even nice. In fact, just before I got diagnosed, he even texted with me for about a half hour back and forth telling me something about his new job. And then I got cancer and he texted me once to say he was sorry, and then a month later texted me on my birthday, and then for seemingly no reason he disappeared completely and shut off all avenues of communication.

It's now been over 7 months since he texted me on my birthday and now I don't even know his phone number. Logically, I know that if he was fine and happy, he would be able to ask me how I'm doing and he would be getting the divorce done so he can move on with his new happy life.

I feel like if I didn't have cancer, I could get a new job and move forward and have things going on to keep me from thinking about all of this as much. It really does seem like a cruel twist of face that in the midst of his MLC, I got this horrible illness.

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Kyh Offline
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Originally Posted By: river10


I guess I have to accept that getting anything out of him is hopeless. It's been hard to wrap my head around the fact that he would do this to me. He basically just walked away, not even bothering to get divorced, and started a whole new life for himself



Yes, NO expectations of any sort. Don’t give up what you are financially owed though.

Don’t take his actions personal, he would have done it to anyone. They can’t deal with aging/mortality and run from it. My xw’s dad was diagnosed with cancer shortly after bd followed by heart trouble. Once when I asked how he was she told me “he’ll be fine,” and acted like it wasn’t a big deal. They just can’t deal with it so they run, ignore, get angry, etc.

Try not to give him any more of your energy, focus on yourself!

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River

Your in a tough situation and harder than most of us-

Sometimes if we cant let things go--maybe feel it
give yourself some time to just allow it..
cry, mourn griene and embrace it
even just for a few minutes

You may not be able to run from it and the treatment and cancer is definitely a big enough issue alone without the added grief an loss of H

MY XH walked away..no contact as well
He left his only 2 children and up to this day has made no real attempt to contact them
MLC takes them..he may seem like his life is moving forward and you are stuck..this is today
but in a moments time, everything can change in the land of MLC

If you can listen to Joel Olsteen,,,I'm not preaching religion here
but he has a lot of stories about people healing themselves from every disease and situation-miracles-

He gives suggestions and ideas on dealing with our pain
it is free
he has podcasts to download to computer or phone for free

hang in there-


married 14 years
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M ow D ow
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river10 Offline OP
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Thanks Kyh and peacetoday.

Peace, I do sometimes listen to Joel Osteen and my best friend is a huge fan of his and often forwards me his "Today's Word" emails.

I think if H had walked away and vanished right away, it would make more sense (not that any of this makes sense).

For the first 2-plus years, he communicated - at times even seeming clingy - and even though he has played games and avoided the D and discussions of finances, he was at least willing to communicate with me.

His last contact was a text on my birthday in August. I never would have guessed he would just stop communicating completely, since even though I was staying detached and distant, we had a civil relationship and he took the time to text me happy birthday.

So I do have to believe that his disappearing act has to do with me having cancer. Which seems so much crueler than cutting off communication with me if I were well. Like he decided cancer would make me needy or something and he is so hell bent on building his new life and focusing only on himself that he can't be bothered with me now that he might have to ask how I'm doing every now and then.

Or he thinks now I'm so defective, it's not even worth his time to maintain any relationship. Why would he consider going back to a wife who might die and he'll end up alone anyway? Better to just stick with OW - she's healthy and therefore the better option.

Sounds horrible, but I really believe it's possible that's how he's viewing the situation.

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