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river10 Offline OP
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I've been reading for a long time but this is my first post. My husband's MLC started I believe around mid-2013 with the usual things - distance, getting more critical, etc. BD was in March of 2015. He was in a long distance EA at the time with a woman he knew in high school, but I didn't know it.

He moved out in July 2015 to live with his mother. I found out about the affair exactly a year after BD. It had become a PA in November 2015. I found out in March 2016 and in June 2016 he moved 20 hours away to live with her. She also divorced her H for my H.

For the 3 months after BD that he still lived with me, he barely talked to me, had frequent mood swings, was drunk a lot and was a complete stranger.

Right after he moved out, he refused to speak to me for several weeks. Then he started to stop by once a month. Each time, he was distant and like a stranger but every single time he came over, his eyes filled with tears.

He did the usual at first, not changing his address, left most of his things behind. After his EA became a PA, he pushed for a divorce but when I got a lawyer he seemed stunned. He stalled on getting me his financial form for 7 months and then when I got it, it was filled out wrong. After he moved away he made excuses for months and never moved anything forward.

During the time after he moved to be with OW, he tried to send me texts and emails as if we were "buddies" but I stopped replying to them and only contacted him regarding legal issues. I was polite and kind but I did not act like his buddy.

In November 2016, I moved to another state. This seemed to cause a tantrum in him. He stopped communicating with me for the most part. I would contact him to try to move things forward with the separation agreement so that he would start paying me the agreed upon monthly amount, and he would only respond every so often. Usually I got no response.

This went on for months. One day in March 2017, I simply sent him a text that said, "how are you?" He replied and asked if I meant to send that to him. I said yes and this seemed to relax him a bit and he even sent me an unsolicited text a week later with a picture of our dog.

Even though he seemed to be more open to communicating, I really thought all hope was lost since he moved so far away, got a new job there that he loves and seemed to be settled into living with OW. In May I contacted him about filing for D. He replied and avoided the subject and instead told me a story about a young girl in his new city who had cancer and overcame it. He called her "really something else" like he really admired her.

Unfortunately, just as I was about to file for D in my new state in late spring 2017, I was diagnosed with advanced breast cancer. Since H was not honoring our financial agreement, I had no health insurance in my new state and had to move back home to my old state and live with a relative.

H found out about my diagnosis through the grapevine and sent me a text. He sounded like he was talking to someone he barely knew. He told me he would ask his coworkers to pray for me.

I replied to him and asked him to please start making the monthly payments as I was going to be in treatment for a long time. He replied that he wouldn't make the payments until he had something "signed and ready to file." Well, I had already spent every penny I had on lawyers in the state I had moved to. I was now broke and starting treatment for cancer. I have barely worked since my diagnosis and can't afford to spend any more money on lawyers while H makes excuses, stalls and puts up roadblocks.

I heard from him one more time about a month after my diagnosis. He texted me on my birthday to say happy birthday from the dog. I haven't heard from his since and it's been seven months. I recently found out that he got a new phone for work and changed his phone number. He stopped using the only email address I have for him. (He didn't respond to my last few emails and the last time I emailed him was in late summer 2017.) I now have no way to contact him.

I am so confused. He loves his new job and is totally immersed in his new life in his new city. He works for the city so his life is completely tied there now. I don't see him ever looking back towards me.

Yet even while he's building this entirely new life that he seems to love, he's doing things that don't make sense, like accruing debt and not paying any of his bills (I have gotten calls from debt collectors looking for him) and not getting divorced.

He was starting to communicate in a more friendly manner and then as soon as I got diagnosed with a life-threatening illness, he completely disappeared and now has cut off communication without any warning.

We are still married, no D has even been filed and by changing his contact info so I can't reach him, he's made it much harder to get a D.

It's like instead of divorcing me, he's just erased me. I don't understand. He clearly intends to stay where he is and is building a successful career. He hated his job before and now he has a job he loves. OW is obviously a woman who doesn't care about breaking up two marriages, but she seems as though she may be in MLC herself.

She's not one of those crazy personally disordered OW, and H seems like he's still very infatuated with her, even though it's been over 3 years since their EA started and over 2 years since it became a PA. They've lived together now for almost a year and a half.

I hate having this hanging over my head, knowing that I WILL overcome this disease and get better, but when I do, I will still have to deal with this crazy situation where I'm married to a ghost and have even tried to move things forward for the divorce he wanted but I didn't want, and he has made it nearly impossible.

Why doesn't he care at all that I'm battling this horrible illness? It's like I could die tomorrow and he wouldn't flinch. Why is he cutting off contact now, when before he was at least willing to communicate? Why was he willing to discuss legal issues until I got sick and now he's completely vanished?

Last edited by job; 02/27/18 04:31 AM. Reason: added space between paragraph
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Welcome to the MLC Forum. I am pasting in Cadet's Welcome thread w/lots of homework, so read and ask questions as they come along.

Welcome to the MLC Forum. You will meet people who are at various stages of dealing w/the fallout of their spouses being MIA. I am going to post below, Cadet's Welcome Posting. Please read the links and then come back and ask questions, if you should have any.

Welcome to this board.

The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy book by MWD,
Divorce Busting is also an excellent book.
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htm

Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.

It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)

I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read.

This POST is under reconstruction and we will be working on this as time goes by, this is the most current version.

I would start with the going dark link.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post50956

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2537289#Post2537289

Resources thread(last post only)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2592296#Post2592296

Things you should know as the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2701017#Post2701017

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Doormat Tactics
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1942444#Post1942444

Standing vs leaving
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1966340&page=1

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

Musings from AmyC
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2253741#Post2253741

MLC Signs
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2177869#Post2177869

The Final Stages Withdrawal to Acceptance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2074403&page=1

WAS showing you positive signs? WAIT - READ THIS!
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2772942#Post2772942

Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.

I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources.
You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.

Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!

Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.

I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations.
Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure.
You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.

Lets not worry about him/her. Lets work on you!
Start your homework assignments.
Something to DO while you are on moderation.
GAL.
Eat, sleep, exercise and take a deep breath.
In general take care of your self first.

Detach the single most important thing to DO.

Your H/W has given you a gift
THE GIFT OF TIME
use it wisely

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
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Me-63, D30,S29


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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I am so very sorry that you are here and battling cancer, as well as your h being MIA. Please read the homework assignments in the Welcome Posting that Cadet credit, which I have pasted into your thread for you.

Your h can't help himself right now, therefore he can't help you or be supportive. He's off in La La Land and won't be back any time soon. They become very selfish during a crisis and it's all about them. Also, many of them can't face someone being ill and tend to shy away from them. Expecting him to do the right thing won't happen. You are going to have to rely on others for support from now on. I hate to say that...but it's very true.


Come here to vent, chat or seek advice...but definitely read the links and also visit the other threads. Take time to breathe and focus on one day at a time.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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river10 Offline OP
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Thank you for the welcome and the reply.

Do you think my getting diagnosed with cancer has scared him and caused him to basically run away? Before I got diagnosed, he was in communication, even if he wouldn't respond about legal issues.

Now that I don't even have a way to contact him, it feels like he's completely gone. Yet we're still legally married. It doesn't make sense.

I guess it is so confusing because he clearly loves his new job, but at the same time he's doing things that will keep him from moving forward in his new life (like destroying his credit and not divorcing).

He's more and more immersing himself in his new community and he's so tied to his new city that I can't see him ever leaving.

I'm also feeling so much anxiety because while he's off building a better life for himself, I'm stuck and unable to move because I'm so sick all the time and have been in treatment for so long. I can't get a new job or afford a new place to live. I feel like he's leaving me in the dust and I can't do anything about it.

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River10 - both "adulting" and dealing with mortality is something that many MLCr are not able to face. My own ex refused to discuss getting a will or funeral wishes for herself. She also was, while a trained book-keeper, completely at a loss in managing our own money and credit.

From your first post it would seem that you are familiar with the standard script.

One key thing to remember, this isn't about you and never has been. It is him and his inability to face tough realities so please know that it's nothing you did, nor even your cancer at issue here. It's all on him.

You say "building a better life" - but it really sounds like he's a slow-moving train-wreck. Not paying his bills, not dealing with his responsibilities. You're probably better off not being part of that.

Have you checked to see what legal recourse you may have in getting him to step up at least a bit financially? He may be in such bad shape that he's got nothing. In which case you may want to see about getting the ties severed on your own. Some others may have information on what direction you can go. I presume you are in the USA somewhere since you mention "state"?


On BD
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T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
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But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
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river10 Offline OP
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Thanks for replying, Andrew!

Yes, I am in the US. When I moved to the other state, I spent every penny I had on legal fees. I am barely working now while in treatment so I have no money. There is no divorce legal aid available for my area. The social worker at my treatment center even tried to help me find some but we had no luck.

I too felt that he was a train wreck when I saw that he walked away from his debt and stopped paying all his bills. But it seems as though he's getting away with it. He hasn't paid anything in a year and a half and aside from the bad marks on his credit that will be there for years, he's not having to face any consequences. None of the debtors are really making an effort to collect and his largest debt (5 figures) appears to have just written his account off as uncollectable.

I don't know if I should just give up completely. At the end of March, it'll be 3 years since BD. Things seem to be getting much worse in terms of him cutting all ties.

It's hard to see a way back for him. I don't see him one day contacting me and saying, "Hey, how are you, sorry I disappeared when you had cancer."

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MY XH cut all ties with me, our 2 kids, and his family of origin..

It was hard for me to understand because he was somewhat friendly and avail during our separation and for 2 years after Bomb.

I think many MLCers sink deeper into despair and trouble as they progress through the tunnel..
some choose to withdraw completely some keep up contact

I'm sorry that he cant be there for you now, but I agree with Andrew-I don't think they can deal with mortality issues

My XH M a 28 year old. he was 42. they are now D.

He is still very sick, drinking and maintains no contact..no support for his children--

They are deep in crises and it is the script..
not you...not your fault.

Do whatever you can to take care of you-

perhaps you can meet with an attorney to get resources and free advice-
many attorneys will give a free consult and many will also give free advice via phone-

MY xh and I had a thriving business..

He chose to leave and I took the business when he began coming to work high..
he lost everything and didn't seem to care as he rode of in the sunset with his child bride-(who was also an addict)

Remember it is a true crises-They make no sense..
Many will go in debt..
many will chose Affair partners with psych issues

If you can put his aside..I know its hard..
try to use all your energy toward your healing
His issues started long b4 MLC hit
There are theories that people in MLC are usually people with unresoilved childhood trauma and issues
That was certainly our story

Please keep coming and posting
a great group here to help you -
all the best ,
peace


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D final 3 /09
M ow D ow
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Hi River,

I am not a lawyer, just a survivor like everyone else here.

I am assuming that you may know where her works. I would go to the court in your area that handles family situations and such. I would like to believe that you can claim abandonment by you H. Explain your cancer situation and that he is not paying for healthcare and such. Make sure to show them how many years you were covered by him and that he has abandoned you and is shaking up with a woman in the city he moved to. I would ask if there is some way you can force a judgement for temporary support and for his pay to be attached as well as to force his employer to add you to his health insurance coverage as his lawful wife.

If the court says they can't do anything, I would then call his employer directly. explain to them that you are his lawful wife and that he abandoned you without support or healthcare.

If you need to do this, it will probably make H very angry. That should not concern you right now as you need help covering you health care and a way to take care of your self. He is not interested in this nor in taking care of you. It will be hard, but right now you need to take care of yourself. Opening up the truth about his actions to his employer will definitely cause action.


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Thank you all so much for taking the time to read my post and respond. I appreciate it so much and have been trying to read everyone's threads when I can. I was reading this forum all during my last chemo infusion, lol.

I have searched for legal aid in my area and reached out to many organizations. I had always heard there was legal help for divorce, but the sad truth is that lawyers will only work pro bono in cases involving children and/or domestic violence.

I spent several thousand dollars trying to give H the divorce he's claimed to want for the past 3 years. I am now broke. I have cancer and I don't have two nickels to rub together.

And now I can't do anything without a lawyer because H has disappeared so the hope of coming to an agreement with him directly is dead.

I had been having trouble even getting a free consult with a lawyer as I've already been at this for a while and my situation is a bit complicated, what with H moving to another state and me moving out of state and then back here.

I was able to get a quick return phone call from a lawyer last week who basically flat out told me that there is no obligation to carry a spouse on your health insurance, and that in the event of a divorce he wouldn't be able to carry me any longer anyway. Since I moved back to my home state, I have crappy insurance through the state, and so in the eyes of the court, it's not that much of a problem.

He advised me to absolutely not call H's employer, as the employer has no obligation to cover me on H's insurance and it could be construed as harassment, and they don't know the situation so if I tell them H abandoned me and left me without coverage, it will just sound like I'm a scorned wife trying to hurt H's reputation. (Even though I agree with you, Lifes Twist, I am his legal wife and he did abandon me. I just don't have many legal rights in this situation.)

If I had the money to pay for a lawyer, they could file the divorce citing abandonment and if there's a ruling that H should cover me or pay support, then his pay could be attached. But like I said, I spent literally every penny I had trying to move things forward while I was living in the other state waiting to reach the residency requirement of 6 months. And then once I was within days of reaching the residency requirement to file for D, I got diagnosed with cancer and had to move back home.

Since H and I don't have children, don't own any property and we've been separated now for 2.5 years, I have virtually no rights.

What bothers me the most is that H and I were conversing cordially and there was no animosity or fighting. When we did communicate, he was extremely distant and I stayed detached but it wasn't like he hated me. He sometimes texted me pictures of my dog, who I miss so much it's unbelievable. A month before my diagnosis, he even shared with me a story about a person he knows at the place he's been working on the weekends. He even wished me a happy birthday over the summer (well, he texted me and told me the dog wished me a happy birthday, but close enough). That was just a few weeks after my diagnosis. I replied and just said thank you. And then he just disappeared.

I wasn't pressuring him. I left him to his new life and never interfered. I was just trying to move things forward legally. I never, ever mentioned OW - as if she doesn't exist. I never asked questions about his new life. I kept it strictly business.

Then I got diagnosed with cancer and now he's gone.

I have to think the reason he vanished without giving me his new phone number is because he knows he's living in a financial house of cards and is so desperate, he'd rather cut me out of his life completely than risk that house of cards falling over.

I don't believe it's because he's avoiding divorce. It's not that he doesn't want me out of his life. It's just that he wants me out of his life without having to pay anything. And in his irrational MLC mind, the way to achieve that is to simply disappear and hide out, as if hiding out long enough will make me just go away.

It really does hurt sometimes, knowing that the man I thought I would grow old with doesn't care whether I live or die.

I really don't know what to do. I still have several months of treatment ahead of me. And then I'll have to rebuild my entire life from scratch. I'll be alone, recovering from a long and difficult course of cancer treatment, praying to stay in remission, without a job or a place to live.

And yet, still married. But not really "married." Even when I have to fill out forms for insurance or hospital paperwork and it asks my marital status, I always stop and wonder how to answer. There's no option for "married to a ghost."

Part of me thinks that he's being allowed to just continue on and on in replay with no consequences because I can't afford to divorce him.

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I am so sorry to hear about your entire situation, I think it is amazing that you are handling all this with everything that is going on. I know I would not be that strong.

A question I have is even if you could afford a lawyer and get a divorce it doesn't sound like you H is in a financial position to help you in what you are facing, or is that wrong? Reason I ask is it would be more burden to get things sorted only to have him financially unable to provide support or insurance.

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