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Agreed. You need to have a clear idea of what you are expecting to get, and if it's unrealistic, I wouldn't do it. Trying to get closure, an apology, secretly hoping he'll come to his senses - way too early for any of that. You always have to ask yourself "will this get me closer to my goal?". In this case it's just likely to be perceived as more pursuing on your part.

If it was me, I'd cancel - "something came up".

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I'm not expecting honesty at this point. I think for me it's that I'm worth the last 18 years of love and faithfulness for him to be present and in person tell me (even if it's lies) and that I'm not a nothing piece of crap that he can just send a text message to.

No I don't think he will come to his senses (not now and probably not ever). I think this would be the last piece of communication I will ever have with him that isn't strictly business or sorting out the assets.

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Hi Equanimity,

I am sorry that you have found yourself here, but welcome, you are among some wonderful supportive people, I note that 3 are already posting to you, this is great.

Reading your opening post was like reading one of my own early posts, I found myself nodding along, I am so sad to know you are living this experience to.

So to your question re getting some answers from your h- I am in agreement with the others, I will be very surprised if you get anything truthful out of him, I am not going to use the word honest as to him it may actually be the honest truth ...in his head at this current time .. but tomorrow it could be something different. You won't (sorry if this stings) get the answers you are seeking from him, so if feel you have expectations of an apology or you don't think you can handle any negative feedback right now, then I would not ask the question, I advise staying away from poking that fire.

Your h will say some pretty harsh and unnecessary things to you right now, so until you can figure out how to ignore it I would keep contact to a minimum, saving your heart and sanity from taking a bashing.

Its time to take a step back and leave your h to run around like a crazy headless chicken seeking his head and start looking after yourself. Make sure you eat, sleep and exercise, try to do small things that will take your mind off the situation, even if it is just for a few minutes. I took on a college course, I passed it will flying colours, but honestly, looking back, I cant really remember doing it, let along retained any of the knowledge I learnt, but what I do know is that concentrating on that got me off thinking about my h and what he was up to with ow.

Your emotions are running high right now, so try not to make any important decisions other than securing yourself financially - MLC'er do tend to go off spending up to fund their search for happiness.

Hang in there, you are doing great, keep us updated with how your meeting goes if you decide to go.

Love n Hugs to you xoxo

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Equanim Offline OP
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Hi,
I did decide to go because my expectations were low.

What he did reveal what the relationship was over earlier than he admitted to himself or me.

He did not go further than a chat with anyone on tinder, but still chats someone.

The biggest revelation was that he is "Kinda seeing someone right now", that they have bene sexually intimate and it's someone I might know (which means I do- it's probably a staff member or a customer) and according to him he's known them for a long time (Like that makes it better).

He said that he became intimate with this person after he sent me the email saying it was officially over (which by my calculations was only 19 days ago). This means that he must have been communicating regularly with this person and seeing them while we were separated but supposedly trialing and working on us.

I sent him a text after the chat asking him to confirm when began regular contact with this person, and if he had gone out with them while we were separated (but still "together"), and if he approached them?

The answer I got for that was that it was private and he wasn't ready to divulge but that he'd never cheated on me (meaning never had sexual contact)- which means yes, yes and yes. He must have been communicating and seeing them, and as soon as he gave me the official email - hopped straight into the sack with them.

I don't know who it is, but I will find out at some stage. I'm fairly confident that it's a staffer or a customer but I could be wrong - it could be someone from his old work. Anyway if it's a staffer or customer then it pretty well decides for me whether I want to be part of the business still.

I knew it would be bad and yet still, I'm so upset and can't believe this man. I wanted it to works so bad and tried so hard but he just couldn't connect with me - AND he's left me here to look after the large property that HE wanted. I wanted to move, and he said he'd never leave. Now he's living closer to people/work/his new flame and I'm on a large property alone. And he's left me with heaps of debt from starting up the business and buying a car for it that I never wanted or needed.

I have no words..... I am crying non stop and want to die
tell me this gets better.

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It is never easy to hear the words that pass over their lips. Andrew gave you some excellent advice...get tested for STD's. You cannot trust what he has told you and if he's been seeing others along the way, well...you know the drill. It's better to be safe than sorry.

I know the "need to know who it is" and it will be on your mind for a long time until you discover who it is...but I want to just say that whoever it is, they are just a band aid to his issues and if it weren't that particular person, it would be someone else. She's nothing special if she's fooling around w/a married man. You need to understand that you are a far better person than that woman because you aren't out there straying from your marriage. Hold your head up, back straight and know that you are the prize and shame on him if he can't see it.

Please check around your community, there may be a legal aid office that can provide you with some free advice or take some time and search the net for your particular area. You need to protect yourself and your assets. Don't be fooled into thinking that he's going to be good and kind to you and split things evenly because they usually don't. If anything, they want to leave you w/very little and you need to fight for what you are entitled to and that includes the business as well.

I would suggest that you have no more relationship talks w/him because if you do, you will continue to hear things that are harsh and may hurt you even more so. The best thing to do is focus on you and what you need to do to get through each day, one day at a time.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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((Equanimity)) Sending you a giant hug. You've just been given a giant kick in the gut.

Remember though
- This is not about you, it's about him
- He'll make up whatever stories he can to make himself feel better about his choices
- There is no understanding the "why"
- Knowing the "what" will only cause more pain
- YOU HAVE VALUE
- YOU ARE IMPORTANT

Look yourself in the mirror.... I'll wait.... The woman you just looked at is one with compassion. One who cares. One who puts others before herself. Be proud of that woman.

He will make up stories. It's common if you read other stories here. He's not been happy for 1,5, 10 years, for ever. You have failings X,Y,Z. It's not his fault.

There are two key things you should be thinking of doing right now. The first is working on healing. If you have IRL friends who you can lean on, do so. I found for myself that it was surprising both who I thought I could count on, but wasn't there for me and the unexpected people who when I reached out my hand, lifted me up. If you have counseling resources available to you, seek them out. If they try to turn blame on you for the failure of the marriage, fire them and find a counselor that will lift you up instead of swat you down. The second thing is to prepare yourself for what will probably be a tough battle over the settlement. He will probably try to steam-roller over you and leave you high and dry. Don't allow yourself to be pressured into anything. Cadet writes that we are "given the gift of time" and that works in all sorts of ways. If you want an example of how "nice" can turn into "crazy" check out the more recent posts on HaWho's thread. Don't allow yourself to be pressured into anything you don't feel comfortable with.

Be kind to yourself. We're here for you if you need us.


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D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
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Hi E

I am sorry you are here. Four and a half months ago I too was forced onto a path I did not choose to be on, or ever thought I would be travelling. My W abandoned me, her children, her home, her life and obtained a legal separation in two months.

I understand how you feel. Please know it does get better. You will get better.

You have received excellent advice from some very caring people with hard earned wisdom.

Good for you seeking legal counsel. Learn what you are entitled too, it is good to be prepared in case thing go sideways in a hurry. Remember to document things, the tinder email, conversations, etc...

As much as you can limit conversations with H, espically relationship ones. I know how difficult that is. I slipped up many times and all it brought was lies and pain.

It looks like you are reading lots. That’s good. I found so much comfort in reading and learning about MLC, I hope it helps for you too.

You are among friends here, people who truly know what you are going through. Reach out and post often. It really does help.


Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
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Thanks everyone.

Actually on further thought I realised who it was (not a staffer or customer), but someone much much closer in the family who he has had the opportunity to see a lot while living closer to his new work, step mum and half sister. It's his cousin (his step mum's neice).

I texted him I knew, and then the @sshole admitted it and then he threatened me. He said if I ever tell them that he will turn nasty! (This means making my life h@ll). He said he was entitled to his happiness and privacy - but the reality is it's because it's shameful.

He's been caught out leaving his wife (with debt, property to look after) and said he was just finding himself, was depressed and tired, only to cultivate a secret relationship with his step cousin (under his step mum's roof) the during our separation where he was still communicating with me and giving me hope, and then have sex with her as soon as sent me the email saying it was over. They (his step mum and half sister) love me because I've loved them and looked after them and we've gone on holidays etc. Their step son and half brother left to start a life with the niece/cousin they took in . The niece has been hiding it from them as well.

I would call in from time to time and visit them and even spoke to the niece and encouraged her about her new job. She knew me and that he's still technically married but pursued it. Shame on both of them!! No wonder he wants to hide it.

He said it's no-one's business and no-one needs to know. It's funny how he didn't use that logic when we separated or when it was over between us - he told everyone. But this - NO. He wants to reveal it in his own time so it looks like he wasn't having an affair or doing the dirty under everyone's nose. He doesn't want his step mum or half sister to get mad with him (or defend me for his being so bad to me) or kick her out or show their displeasure or cause any trouble for anyone. He wants to have their little nasty secret continue without difficulty until after some time they can present it as a sanctimonious union to the world. Not the duplicitous and illicit relationship that it was.

After 18 years of supporting him and then during the separation trusting him and missing him and working on myself to be better and working on thinking better of him and Divorce Busting the h@ll out of the situation both before and while he was gone (and not ruffling his feathers) I'm going to vent here in a way I've never ever done before, because I can.

He is a low life dog, scum of the earth, mongrel, b@stard, deceptive, lying, cheating, coward, weakling, duplicitous, horrible, mean, callous, cruel, thoughtless, selfish, world class @sshole.

There! That feels better.

And I still need to get out of the business because he's shown his hand - that he is a nasty, volatile and vindictive person who I couldn't trust ever again. To hope or not to hope? The answer is the man I loved and who I though was decent and who I gave the benefit of the doubt to is gone. He's so far gone he's a black hole of self denial and selfishness.

Ok, so now the horrible, horrible journey of games with the assets. I'm seeking legal council on Tues. I will speak to an emergency grants organisation (to hopefully give me some money while I have no income due to the bastard's dreadful decisions). I will have to get financial advice and I've sketched out a plan for how I may be able to keep the house. I will have to sell the car he signed us up for (another rash and stupid decision on his part) and get a cheaper one outright so I don't have to pay for the loan while I don't have a steady job.


What a cruel world.

On the positive side today my congregation noticed I was upset and gave me the BEST group hug ever.

Equanimity

Last edited by job; 02/25/18 05:48 AM. Reason: edited some words
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As a gentle reminder, we have all walks of life that post here as well as lurkers. The DB Forums have some of the most wonderful people posting, but we do tend to sometimes get caught up in the moment and forget what we accepted in the "terms and conditions" for posting here.

One of the "terms and conditions" that is in the Policies thread that Cadet has posted is stated as: "Participants shall treat each other with respect, refraining from rudeness and foul language."

I realize that we all tend to forget that we aren't sitting around w/a group of friends just shooting the breeze and anything that we say is okay, however, we do need to be mindful of those who do come here to read our postings and sometimes the language can be offensive to others.



Last edited by job; 02/25/18 02:39 AM.

Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Oh my Job,

I'm so sorry. Nope. I wasn't thinking and I'm not thinking properly (I thought there were no official swear words so I was being tame, but I take your point). The hurt, pain and humiliation is so great after trying for so long.

Sorry to anyone here reading for my outburst and if I offended you. Forgive me please. I've never had an outburst like that before ever. I guess the pain is making me go crazy.

The deception and the way it has occurred is adding so much more to the pain because even after I found out about tinder, I still had a sliver of hope (you know that it was just a weak moment while we were separated) - but there is a whole other level of intent that had gone behind fostering this relationship.

I reiterate what I've said in that I'm really stressed about my future and what he will do, given that he's threatened me now. frown

I can't imagine anyone here on these boards who's M has recovered after such a turn? I mean I know Marriages can be saved from affairs and some come back from a MLC (that's why I started DB'ing over a year ago!), but when the spouse has lied so much and turns nasty and threatens the LBS?

Are there any experiences with this, or this threatening behaviour and how to negotiate this minefield?

Of course I want/wanted the M to work. I don't think there is any hope after him threatening me. It shows a deep level of love and protection for his new girl and relationship and a deep anger and hatred towards me. Has anyone ever come back from a spouse who had turned that much??

Normally I'm so passive and protective of him and would follow what he says and try and look at the positives in order to have hope that the R was still on track and right now that is the last thing I feel like doing and it feels like I will just get taken advantage of so he can continue to pursue his new relationship and allow himself to string me along or control the speed of the breakup and financial extrication.

I feel like my thoughts and emotions are spinning out of control here.

At this point do I just go dark and communicate by email? Do I initiate the financial extrication process and dividing assets? At this point I don't think I could trust him to do what he says and he's got the upper hand with the finances.

I'm conflicted. It feels that if I play nice that is more the DB style and the one recommended to save a M but that it will result in temporary placation, but ultimately he can't be trusted. Like the post said on WAS showing positive signs, I feel that if he settles down a bit it won't be remorse, it's will be self medication so he doesn't feel so bad about what he's done and that he's left me in the most horrible circumstances.

If I start the process of financial extrication then like the post said on WAS showing positive signs I'm giving him natural consequences for his behaviour which ultimately he might learn from because he can't control the speed of the finances consequences (although I'm the one who is going to be cut off) or the speed at which I now move on - but that doesn't seem very DB. If you know what I mean, that if the R were to ever recover that he needs to not have been pushed away.

I'm so confused.

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