Bye bye limbo -- it's time for a change

[Gordie]

Mleigh,

Only you know what is best but as an outsider those conversations with MIL seem to make things worse for you. I know they would only make me think of my situation more and keep me spinning...which is the opposite of your stated goal.

When I feel that way, rather than spending time talking about my situation, I try to do something that requires no thinking or talking and just focuses me on other topics. This is not to sweep things under the rug but just to give me some time to rebalance myself.

[mleigh4]

Thanks Gordie. Talks with MIL definitely get me spinning. Sadly, any kind of R talk with anyone gets me thinking of my own sitch. It's a combination of upcoming events too, but once those pass in the next couple of weeks, spinning should calm down.

Yesterday I did some deep focusing. I focused on my kitty's warm little body curled up with me, my dog laying by my side, my S chatting about his day and laughing together at our frozen lips while eating ice cream. I focused on how much I enjoy my job and my co-workers. I focused on the warmth, comfort and love in my home. It was a good day and a reminder of what is important in life, to be present.

Today, choose to give love and focus on the love around you!

M

[mleigh4]

Hi friends,

I survived the family snow trip. I had booked it last year prior to feeling so done with everything. I was dreading it a bit and am really glad it is over. I think the stress wore me down because I have either really bad allergies or a cold!

Anyway, it went pretty good. H is still very self absorbed, but he did spend time with us and seemed to have fun. We went out to eat together and watched movies in a really cool theatre room that the house had. In fact, the downstairs basement was a bedroom, bathroom and dark windowless theatre room. H chose that room to stay in and spent a lot of time in there. He did not sleep with us like trips in the past. As expected, H disappeared down there a few times for hours, which S brought up. I asked him, does he do this at home with you? S said yes, he disappears into his room a lot.

At the beginning of the trip, S expressed that he wasn't very excited about it. I told him I was trying to create some memories for him with his mom and dad together. I guess he thought about that because he later told me he preferred the trips to be just me and him. One morning we woke up to it snowing. I got my phone and told S I was going to text daddy to look outside. He grabbed my phone and said no, he didn't want to wake daddy up. I said, he won't get mad. S said he just didn't want daddy to get up, and that is when he told me he doesn't need us all to go on trips together. I actually felt relieved by that. I told him I will not plan anymore trips all together unless he tells me different, he said ok.

We went to Lake Tahoe. It's where H and I fell in love and where we got married. This trip, I felt a sense of closure. I said goodbye to that chapter in my life, it's time to make new memories there in the future as I do really love the place. Seems me and S are in sync with that.

We are very glad to be back home. Kitty was mad at us for a few hours and stared us down with that really annoyed and irritated kitty look, but she is back to normal now. Dog seems exhausted from running around in the snow, she had a blast! H did pretty well but is still pretty withdrawn. He didn't seem as distracted, but clearly still needs his alone time, which I actually used as my own quiet time from his crazy land. I was able to see clearly so many of the changes in him from who he used to be, he hasn't changed much since BD. As for me, he treated me like a basic friend. He didn't offer to chip in for the rental or for all the food I brought, but he did drive, pay for gas, and took us to dinner one night. Yep, I am done with these trips, very much done. He kept talking about his work party that is coming up. He continues to be oblivious that I may not be as excited about it as he is, being that he is a married man running around like he is single.

Monday night we get our taxes done. It will be the first time since marriage that we are doing them separately. I am also a little nervous about how this will go.

Once that is done, I am ready to bring up mediation again and see where he now stands with that. It's a weird reality, to be a person so against divorce yet want it so much. I just don't see any other answer or better choice for myself any longer. What a crappy reality.

Now on to me. I am ready for some positive and supportive changes in my world to help me through this time. I am joining a separation/divorce group. They are mid session, so I am hoping to be able to join now instead of waiting for the program to start over. I also have reached out to some old friends that I miss. The friend I spend most of my time with likes to drink a lot and honestly, is a really terrible listener. I love her, but need more than that in my world right now. It's so hard to meet new friends at this age!

So I am focused on me for a change. Looking for ways to improve what I am not happy with in my world. Looking for some support and people who I can relate with. I feel like I need some changes.

S is doing good, I love how he can be open with me. He recently referred to me as the boss of him, over daddy. By the way, dog didn't leave my side the whole trip. Looks like all my babies know who they can count on and that just warms my heart, I must be doing something right.

Have a good weekend
M

[HaWho]

So much good stuff in this post. It's nice to see s so well adjusted and at peace with things. It cheers me on as I can remember when he had stomach aches and was having some tough days.

Sounds like you are really doing well. You have done so much work on healing these last few years and it shows.

I have never been to Tahoe but it's on my list of go-to places.

As always, great to hear an update.

[DnJ]

Your trip sounds like it went well. It’s good to hear that your son is open with you and in sync.

A divorce/separation group is a good idea. I am sure the support you will get will help you find the changes your looking for.

Your family knows who they can count on, you are doing great.

[mleigh4]

Thank you HW and DnJ. I think I handled it well by not taking anything personal, treating H like a friend and accepting he is no longer the man I knew. There were a few times he made me mad though.

We were all watching a movie when S said he was hungry and dog needed to potty. So of course, I got up to take care of everyone and caught myself saying so. Something like, what else is new? When I was done, H was a little irritated at having to pause the movie and scolding me on how they can take care of themselves. A dog can open a door to potty??? I calmly told him, I am just taking care of my responsibilities.

Also driving home, he was reckless a few times, weaving in and out of lanes. I was going to say something, but then thought, why? We won't be driving on any trips any time soon with him. He also had to open a door at the rental that had a sign, do not open. He is so about doing the opposite of what he is told!

But I will add that H did do some nice things too. He made me a coffee, cooked us waffles, suggested different fun things we could all do, held doors for me. So he's not a total schmuck!

So get this. I got a email from MIL this morning. It was sent to me and H. It explained she is selling her house and can't afford to buy out her H. She is looking for something near to buy, but because of the crazy prices around here, she is also looking a couple of hours away. She asked that we promise to visit with S. She also asked if one of us could rent her a room until she finds a place. Eek! She has 3 kids, one of them better step up and help her out! Otherwise, I tend to be a softy and can see myself being the one to do this, even though I think she will drive me crazy. What do I do???

[job]

I am glad the trip turned out okay. Sounds like you and your son had a great time and that is what matters.

As for the MIL, I wouldn't take that on. She may be indicating that she is willing to rent a room, but at the end of the day, you wouldn't feel comfortable doing this to your MIL. Also, do you really want her around 24/7 and having absolutely no privacy w/her there? Your h would be coming over using his mother as an excuse to come there all of the time. I know you'd like to help out, but you've got your own set of issues to deal with and you do not need to have her under foot and listening to all of her problems day in and day out. If I recall, she's the one that took it upon herself to have your son's hair cut a while back. Nope, she's got 3 kids that should be helping their mother out. Don't respond to the email, just let it sit. She can rent a furnished place either near her or near one of her kids. Don't take this load on...your shoulders are broad, but in time, her presence will drive you nuts.

[kml]

Agreed - MIL is your H's problem, let HIM put her up.

[mleigh4]

Job, yep, good memory. I had to put up boundaries with her because she was acting like SHE was S's mom. Even now when over, she tells S what to do in our home.

I know you and KML are right. She is H's problem. I predict he will act like he never saw that email though. I also predict he thinks I will help her out, being the nice person I am.

I have not responded to her email, but I will be seeing her on Thursday. Since she will be getting a large chunk of money when she sells, not sure why she can't rent one of those hotel rooms that is like an apartment? There are several around here, maybe I can suggest that.

[job]

If I were in your shoes, I wouldn't mention anything to her about renting anything. I would ignore the email completely. You are not responsible for her as she is not your mother. Your h and his siblings need to step up to the plate on this one. Your home is not a hotel/motel.

Trust me, it is better not to address this issue unless she brings it up. You don't need her living under the same roof w/you because she will take control and make the lives of all that live there miserable and she may be a problem getting rid of her when it's time for her to leave, i.e., she may become a permanent guest.