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Gordie,
From experience, re-read what you wrote. You have done NONE of the above. Your wife did. Do not believe the projection.
Let's clarify: Did you cheat?
Did you lie?
Did you hide anything?
Did you make any decision that would not be for the best interest of the WHOLE family?

You did not fail. She did not tell you anything. You were right where you belong. Why not talk to you about the way she felt? Why not work with you to get to the root of the problem? For the sake of the marriage, the family, the children and have a better quality of life TOGETHER?

Stay real Gordie

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Mach and Ginger,

Let’s start small.

There’s something I want to buy for myself. It's not like a car or a boat or anything but it’s still way more than I have ever spent on myself for anything. I don’t buy it because I am afraid that maybe it’s just vain or I am trying to make myself happy with something material and it actually won’t make me happy at all. I come from pretty humble material roots so I have always been uncomfortable spending much on myself or displays of wealth despite the fact that I make a lot of money. I think of it as self indulgent and that the money could be spent on something else. Or that maybe it is un-Christian and contrary to my own values.

Exquisitetobeme,

You are right. I haven’t done those things. But as Mach says, I do have plenty of regrets and self knowledge of what i could have done better as a H. My w has been in crisis for a while and I just kept on as if everything was a-okay. The post that MWD has on where were you when I needed you? I think that describes some of the dynamic between w and me. My initial reaction to her MLC was to either ignore it or convey—what the heck is wrong with you? I didn’t take the time to listen and “be there” for her...and then she went looking elsewhere for an OM who would listen to her.


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
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I hear what you are saying..
I heard the same things.

Care to tell me where you were when she needed you the most? May i ask where or who she went to when she needed someone? Did you not need her aswell?

The: " what is wrong with you"? What was wrong with her?

Just like her, you knew something was wrong but did not know how to make it better.

I am sorry to say but by the time you heard those words, the storm inside of her was already brewing. Living the marriage was and is absolutely not the solution. If it was, she would be longg gone..

Do you understand what i mean?
This is my view of this mess and 9 years after my bomb drop, i have not been proven otherwise. My ex find the stupidest excuses to make contact and rewards me with his cash.

This is why you need to do what is right for YOU because you need to be able to live with your decisions and choices.

All the best Gordie!!! smile xox

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Gordie,

Right now you are trying to drive while looking in the rear view mirror. Kinda hard when you are stuck on where you have been and not where you are going. usually ends quit disastrously.

Like most of us, you have been through a very traumatic event. I had never even consider going to a counselor on a weekly basis before this happened. I went for two years after. Eventually my counselor said I was suffering from PTSD. I think most of us here are at one time or another. We are always looking back, trying to figure out what we did or didn't do and how we can fix it so all this goes away. Doesn't happen. What all of us have to do is figure out how to go forward and learn from our mistakes.

This is about you right now. Not anyone else, not even she who will not be mentioned. You have to take care of your self. You need to get yourself healthy again for the kids. I can only suggest you start focusing on where YOU are going. This means looking deep inside and figuring who Gordie wants to be and heading off in that direction. At times it will be a lonely trip, but it will have bright moments along the way and hopefully end up in a great place.

If you don't get yourself going, you will never get there.


Twisting on Life's Rope
Me53
W53
M20
D21 D19 D16
BD 2-2013
D final 1-2015
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Gordie - You probably know by now that my view isn't the consensus view here. You get a lot of respect from me for being true to yourself and your morals. It's put you in a tough spot, one that perhaps is repeated in the many many stories here with yours having your own personal twist.

In addition to being a kind and compassionate man, you are probably one of the smartest that I've encountered. My own view is that you know full well the risks of both action and inaction. I think that if you asked either of us 4 years ago if we would have allowed ourselves to be locked in the stocks (not sure if you are familiar with the historical reference) to save our wives, we both would have said "of course".

I used my reference to #FortGordie fairly deliberately in a prior post. I see you as having knowingly gone back into the "enemy camp" because of both people who are important to you and concepts that are important to you. Look yourself in the mirror and be proud and don't let anyone here or elsewhere cause any doubts in your mind that you need to be "fixed". You are modeling what to me a man of honour and duty needs to do. I see this as a temporary thing though as I hope you do as well with temporary being subject to definition. You have learned the lessons. About boundaries. About reciprocity (hey - I spelled that right first try!). And about consequences. You and we know that your W hasn't. This is where you've gone off the map that most of us know.

One of the things that we are taught / told here is to not work to timelines. Things will take as long as they take. However as some others have suggested, you do also need to think about yourself and your own mental health. I've dug deep to try to think of what advice to give you on this but have come up dry. The only piece that I'll leave you with is a little phrase that I quite liked that I read elsewhere "The horse is dead - dismount". You're not there yet and perhaps the horse still has some legs.

Good luck - we're all here behind you even if we are all perhaps shouting conflicting advice.


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
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I agree with others about the fear, which does come through for me reading your situation. It's understandable of course and we've all been there. It's hard to embrace change and uncertainty, and I do think the reasons to go need to become strong enough to make that change.

It's a tough one for sure. My take is that I think your W felt things destabilising for her - felt you reclaiming your personal power when you decided it was time for you to leave - felt her own control of the situation diminishing. And did just enough and no more to deal with that situation and restabilise things for now.

Of course, you still have power and choice and may choose to exercise your choice at any time. But I think the advice to really focus on you - and on you moving solidly forwards - is good advice.

I know it must be tough to remain in the marital home. I didn't do that and life is easier in many ways if you make the choice to leave. People say after the event just how draining it is to cohabit in these circumstances. Hence the need to really focus on your own life and your own plans, which helps with detaching.

Best of luck with everything Gordie :-)


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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Oh - and almost forgot the obligatory irrelevant story on your comment about "stuff" and values.

For quite a few years I'd been coveting a Saddleback briefcase but held off because they are quite expensive. I do have a weakness for fine tailoring as well but justify that because well made clothes last longer and look better but the Saddleback was just an extravagance.

Right around bomb-day my (now ex) pushed me to buy the briefcase. When we were away on vacation in Mexico in 2016 I attempted to do so online but the transaction failed. The next day my very drunken wife told me that she was leaving, wouldn't say why and said that there was nothing I could do about it. When we got back to Canada and she was sober confirmed (on my birthday) what she had said in Mexico. She then pushed me to buy the briefcase. Shell-shocked I did. She kept saying over and over again "if that makes you happy" - that perhaps being the mantra that led her down her own rabbit hole.

I have the briefcase and TBH - don't regret it. It is a quality product and it does make me happy and is actually written into my will to pass on to my son-in-law.

So - indulge yourself - small joys will brighten your life.


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
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You seem to analyze what happened.

Me and our 4 children pretzel ourselves for a year a d a half before hearing these words. I sware nothing we could do to make him happy would ever be good enough.
Worst.... we were blamed for this. Our self-esteem, seld confidence and self worth was destroyed to piece because we could not make him happy.. don' t make the sane mistake. Please.. for your sake and the sake if your children.

If your W chose the marriage, she will make her changes and you will have no doubt because she will work WITH YOU. Your feelings will matter.She will invest herself and your goals will be the same.

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I just hear that you had the run of the mill garden variety marital issues. Everyone has them but not every couple works through them. You have one hand clapping over there.

Regarding what you wrote about feeling indecisive about the purchase due to having humble beginnings and also weighing whether it is Christian or not, this sounds like a good place to do a bit of inner work. You are quite hard on yourself.

What I am finding is that I often look for the perfect solution--the silver bullet. And rather than recognizing it doesn't always exist, I can drive myself crazy with indecision looking for it. I think it's the fixer in me. I am learning to recognize that rarely is there a perfect solution and it can be quite freeing to just make a decision in these circumstances rather than drowning in analysis. Just something that helps, maybe useful to you as well?

Take care.


Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13
BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself
BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room"
8/15: H back to MBR
10/15: H back in dorm room
1/18: H files, now divorced
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Hi Gordie

Your advice to me has been most welcome and thoughtful. I would love to be able to help you as much as you have helped me. I also have learned and gained many insights following and reading your sitch. The challenging questions posed to you, I have thought them over for myself. For example from Mach1:

Can you tell me that you are EXCITED to come home every night ??

Gordie, I am not excited to come home. I am not excited for work. I do not look forward to the weekends. Before BD I was excited about life, work, weekends, and future. I was a happy and content person. So why not now? I feel something is missing. I don’t know what. The only thing missing is W. Same house, all the stuff in the house, kids all the time, same vehicles, same people at work, I have everything I had before. So what am I missing? It is nothing external or material. Maybe I have fears. I don’t know, but I won’t preclude it since I do not know the cause it could be fear.

I am living right now day by day. I am living for my future happiness. I would like to be happy today.

Gordie please pass on some of your awesome advice. I could really use it, and maybe so can you.


Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
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