It's not necessarily that you attract those types. It's that you ignore the red flags when they appear. And it's SUPER IMPORTANT that you figure out why so you can stop repeating unhealthy old patterns.
Example: I have a friend who is unerringly drawn to alcoholics, recovering or not. Put her in a room of people and she'll find the alcoholic. Me, on the other hand, have never dated a single person with a substance abuse history except for the last boyfriend (other factors there that I'll get to below).
Why the difference? I usually see the red flags and am not interested early on. She, on the other hand, had an alcoholic uncle who was the "fun" uncle with the loving family that she envied - so alcoholic men trigger that childhood feeling. It's led her into a lot of painful relationships. So she has to use her conscious mind instead of her "feelings" to pick her dates.
When I was first divorced, I dated a lot of men who were unavailable for one reason or another. Truth is, they seemed safe because I wasn't truly ready for a serious relationship. Also, my father died when I was 14, and I can see that I've had a pattern of pursuing in relationships due to the "abandonment" (not intentional) by my dad.
As for the last boyfriend- I overlooked his addiction history because he'd been sober for 6 years and seemed to be doing all the right things. He adored me and I thought I was ready for a real relationship. I buried my doubts about him. I missed the red flags about his undiagnosed bipolar disorder because my exH was mildly bipolar and the hypomanic energy felt familiar to me. (Ex bf turned out to be dishonest and s trainwrwck in many ways but that's a whole nother story).
The question for you to ask yourself is, why do these women feel familiar? Why are you comfortable with the crazy? Was there dysfunction in your childhood home? Do you have an unresolved past relationship that you are unconsciously recreating? Why are you NOT reacting the way most men would, by realizing you dodged a bullet and moving forward ?
Try thinking about these things. Read about Love Addiction. And if you think it fits, consider going to a SLAA meeting.
I am super logical (my sales team always cracks on that) but I *am* a magnet for the severely depressed and anxiety ridden. Ex Mr GB was (although I didn’t realize the severity of it initially) and current guy who is now casual and a close friend. Seriously. My ex MIL says I’m the crazy magnet. I have a good friend who has a first class ticket on the crazy train. Back in the day, I thought that behavior was “normal” and now I realize it....annoys me. But I struggle with that. I’m pretty accepting so finding unstable or extremely depressed people makes me feel...guilty. It’s difficult to describe. Although I have a high tolerance for that, I no longer want to deal with that. I wish them well but simply no longer have the capacity for bat$h!t. I just don’t. It exhausts me but I do struggle with that as there are many severely depressed and anxious peeps out there. Mental health challenges are very real and much more prevalent nowadays.
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
The question for you to ask yourself is, why do these women feel familiar? Why are you comfortable with the crazy? Was there dysfunction in your childhood home? Do you have an unresolved past relationship that you are unconsciously recreating? Why are you NOT reacting the way most men would, by realizing you dodged a bullet and moving forward ?
It's not that they feel familiar. HQ will not and can not be lumped into that segment. PTSD is an entire different kettle of fish, so don't go there. If you know the HQ story, we dated for over a year and there were no flags. She was - and is - an awesome woman. I was lucky enough to get a second chance but unfortunately her demons took hold. What she went through surfaced well after we stopped seeing each other the first time. I don't know what set it off, honestly. I also realized that I can't help her. I said my goodbyes to her. I wish her well. She will always have a place in my heart. Always.
No unresolved relationships I'm recreating. In this case, I see below BPG's crazy. I haven't spoken to her since the day after she called. She left the door open, but I'll let her take the next steps, if there are any.
As far as my childhood home, I had an excellent childhood. I came from a very loving - and forgiving - home. But at the same time it wasn't a passive home, Mom and Dad were very stern but they taught me so much and made me what I am today.
I get the not reacting the way most men would do and run. Honestly, in the midst of the year with BPG, I left a couple of times but there is something about her that kept drawing me back. I realized that I missed her. See, our relationship was "different" than any others. I accepted her crazy because I saw below it. She supported me like none ever has before - and our personalities meshed. Whether it was going to the range for shooting or out to eat or even logging into to Xbox and spending the night playing games. It wasn't about the sex, it was about the connection we had - we could talk for hours about nothing yet everything. And she's extremely intelligent, so conversations weren't one sided and they flowed very easily. But I got her. And she got me. I can live with her crazy because I know what lies beneath.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
I am super logical (my sales team always cracks on that) but I *am* a magnet for the severely depressed and anxiety ridden. Ex Mr GB was (although I didn’t realize the severity of it initially) and current guy who is now casual and a close friend. Seriously. My ex MIL says I’m the crazy magnet. I have a good friend who has a first class ticket on the crazy train. Back in the day, I thought that behavior was “normal” and now I realize it....annoys me. But I struggle with that. I’m pretty accepting so finding unstable or extremely depressed people makes me feel...guilty. It’s difficult to describe. Although I have a high tolerance for that, I no longer want to deal with that. I wish them well but simply no longer have the capacity for bat$h!t. I just don’t. It exhausts me but I do struggle with that as there are many severely depressed and anxious peeps out there. Mental health challenges are very real and much more prevalent nowadays.
Hey GB!
Normally, I'd walk when it got to the batsh$t level. And, as crazy as BPG can get, it isn't always like that. Sure she does have her moments, but as I said, I see beneath that. And there is a level of "get" between us that I haven't experienced before - we get each other on an insane level. As I've said before, her crazy matches my crazy.
Sigh, but those days have passed. Not sure that door will ever be opened again, but it is cracked - as evident in the fact that she called twice and sent pics and all. This road - if the gates ever open again - will be a long and winding one.
No one is perfect in any form, way, or means. And never will be. Those who say look for people free of imperfections will never find them. I, myself, can accept her issues. The thing is, I've dated many "normal" ones, too. And also more than a few "crazy" ones. Fit and function come first, and then I must decide if the flags are ones that can be dealt with. BPG is one of the rare ones where "fit" is/was so incredible that it overshadowed many others that have come before her.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
But if the crazy isn't dealt with, even though YOU can live with it, there is more on the line than you. There are other very important little people who do not need to live with the crazy because of your special connection. If you were a single man and there were no kids involved, then knock yourself dealing with the crazy. But that crazy could be very detrimental to others, regardless of what lies with underneath, if it is not treated and dealt with.
But the question remains - if I were to get another chance with BPG, would I take it? I've thought about that one for many days now. And the answer is yes.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
But if the crazy isn't dealt with, even though YOU can live with it, there is more on the line than you. There are other very important little people who do not need to live with the crazy because of your special connection. If you were a single man and there were no kids involved, then knock yourself dealing with the crazy. But that crazy could be very detrimental to others, regardless of what lies with underneath, if it is not treated and dealt with.
Hey Ginger!
I get what you are saying. The kids are my number one priority and nothing else even comes close, as those near me know.
When BPG called, and in the midst of our 2.5 hour talk that night, a lot of the issues were talked about...including the kids.
But, looking from the outside and not seeing things as they unfold, its difficult to say whether someone is good or bad or detrimental or whatever. That's why it's called advice.
I watch carefully. The only knock against her with the kids is that she left them after they grew to love her immensely. We did everything together - movies, out to eat, little day trips, etc. At times it was like we were a "family unit." I watched CLOSELY. It took me a long time to even let her around them. And after that time, the flags didn't pop until later.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
I totally get what you are talking about with your connection with BPG. I think (or maybe I should say I HOPE) that everyone has shared such a connection with someone in their lives. I know I have and it is something that is very hard to describe. For me, I can talk to that person about something today, not talk to them at all for a month, then go right back and pick up where we left off as though no time had passed. So, totally understand why that would have a hold on you. But, at the same time, I get Ginger's point and I know that you do too. I think the thing here is that there are things that happened, conversations you had with BPG that we don't really know so it is hard for us to "get it" from the outside looking in where it all sounds perfectly reasonable and logical to you....if that makes sense.
I do wish you the best, Jeep, with BPG in whatever the outcome of that may be. And, if you don't end up together, I hope you find a connection with someone again. This love after marriage thing is just not for the faint of heart. LOL
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
Crazy is wonderfully addictive. It's an explosive roller coaster ride that takes you to new dimensions of reality. Who can resist that?
You should checkout Jim Carrey's short video titled "I Needed Color." Apparently he started doing art work after he broke up with Jenny McCarthy. His abstract paintings are amazing. When you see his paintings, you can feel all of the emotions of a turbulent relationship; it's very cool.
I totally get what you are talking about with your connection with BPG. I think (or maybe I should say I HOPE) that everyone has shared such a connection with someone in their lives. I know I have and it is something that is very hard to describe. For me, I can talk to that person about something today, not talk to them at all for a month, then go right back and pick up where we left off as though no time had passed. So, totally understand why that would have a hold on you. But, at the same time, I get Ginger's point and I know that you do too. I think the thing here is that there are things that happened, conversations you had with BPG that we don't really know so it is hard for us to "get it" from the outside looking in where it all sounds perfectly reasonable and logical to you....if that makes sense.
There is a lot that has happened and was talked about that I haven't mentioned here. The gist of it is what I've been saying all along. If everything was put out on here - besides being too personal - then it would be both logical and reasonable to all involved.
I totally get and appreciate Ginger's point of view. Very good words. I know the concern. I watch closely. But at the same time, you know where I am coming from.
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I do wish you the best, Jeep, with BPG in whatever the outcome of that may be. And, if you don't end up together, I hope you find a connection with someone again. This love after marriage thing is just not for the faint of heart. LOL
Thank you, ma'am. Honestly, I don't think BPG will ever return. But, I can't predict the future, either. One day at a time.
Those connections are extremely hard to find. Love after marriage is just plain sucktastic. But, I opened up to her. So there's that.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
