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L - I believe you are right. I think she feels completely comfortable letting me in on these types of things now and being even more nice because the Divorce is close and the cage door is open. I also know if I brought up anything related to us she would squash it in a heartbeat. I have not made this process difficult for her at all.

M - I just use my Fit Bit, scan my labels and use measuring cups to portion out my servings. If I go out for lunch I just search for the menu item search and most restaurants pull up. I didn't do any cardio this morning so I had to make an adjustment to my lunch today so I could stay around 2400 calories. So far I have a calorie deficit of about 2800 for the week.

Your also right it would take a lot for me to drop my guard and get sucked back in. Once the D is final I think she might have a different idea of what our R will look like than I do. I don't know if this a really sunk in for her yet and has thought about me moving on and dating. It could be me but I just get the impression.


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
Joined: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,132
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J9,

From what you right, I agree with you, that your W has really taken stock of what reality will look like after D. I really wonder if she has really taken account that you will be dating other women. I don't know, but her highs might turn into lows after the D is final. IMO


M:37 W:37
T:11 M:10
S17, S13, S10, S4
BD:06/28/17
OM confirmed 07/20/17
Recon the M 10/29/17
Working hard:2gether

Onward and forward

This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
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Thanks JJ I don't really know what to expect. I am trying really hard to stay out of her head space and keep her at arms length.

I know what LH said is completely accurate I just don't know yet how far she is wanting to take it. With that said it is not going to stop me from moving forward. If she thinks that by being nicer, wanting to do more things together as a family, and warming up to me in general, etc. that it will stop me then she is mistaken. I just try to take it day by day and leave it at that. Continue to be a good co-parent and keep it to finances and kid related conversations.

Our Daughters are singing in Church this Sunday and she wants to attend. Last time she did not. I gave her a couple of different options of what she could do, 1 of which was show up, watch them sing and leave. She chose the option of watching them sing and staying for Church as a family (even included a smiley face at the end). I just responded with an Ok sounds good.

If she is trying to bait me or test me it won't work. I won't break rank. I am not that weak any more.


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 4,560
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I have been away for almost a week so I thought I would give an update.

I continue to be in a good place. Still continue to hit the gym almost daily, planning a paintball outing with my buddies in the next several weeks, created a Flickr account for all my photos of me and the girls (and my other outings) and recently got turned onto Spotify so I have been working on my music! The girls had soccer games over the weekend so it was fun to watch. My oldest had 2 goals, my youngest had 3...both teams won so it was a good day! Went to church on Sunday, both girls sang in the choir for both services and got some good video for Grandma and Grandpa. Did some yard work, got stuff for their Easter baskets, etc. so all in all things are really good! I am seeing the finish line in sight!

On the W front.....we go back to court 4/11 so in two weeks our D will be final. She got the condo she wanted and will close on it 5/1. My refi went through last Wednesday so it is now officially mine and the girls.

My W has been reaching out to me almost daily for various different things. Yesterday she just wanted me to know that there was a gas leak in the neighborhood of her school but classes where not cancelled and she was mad that she had to go to school. Then she called me at lunch to tell me she was going to Wendy's to get a hamburger and asked me a question about what she needed to bring to her closing on 5/1. So just stupid crap like that. I don't read into any more and just keep the convo light, etc.

I also saw her BFF at the gym on Sunday morning and she asked me how the camping trip went with me and the girls. I just kept it short and said we had a lot of fun. The only way she would have known is if my W told her so whatever.

She also asked me if I could hold onto her half of the house equity money for her in my savings account (I agreed). She thought it would be easier for her to manage getting bills paid off etc. and TBH she is also horrible with money (she knows this). So needless to say I don't think trust is an issue with her or respect any more. It is a large sum so if it helps her not squander it all away and get her 1/2 of the bills paid which are currently in my name I was willing (I do have a vested interest).

We went to Church together on Sunday, she sent me a picture of the girls eating doughnuts and told me she was getting them game ready. I was like whatever and then when she got to church acted like she didn't want to be there. She is all over the board.

With that said though she is still the same broken person. Now that I have had time and distance I can see clearly. She is all over the place emotionally, seemingly happy one moment and disturbed the next. I can really see her more objectively and can really see her lack of contentment. She has gained some weight and just looks exhausted. Everything in her life has to be a project, she always has to have something to occupy her mental space...she just can't be still. Don't get me wrong I am all for hobbies, interests, etc. but she takes it to a whole new level and constantly bounces from one thing to another (like she is searching). It has to be exhausting and is almost manic. I think I just got used to it or became numb to it over the years but I see it very clearly now that I got some space.

I think what has made this easier for me as I now realize my W was a horrible spouse (heck maybe we both were). Most men probably would not have put up with it as long as I did. One of our really close family friends told me that any man married to my W would be in this position, even Brad Pitt. I did get lazy but I wonder if I got lazy because I wasn't getting from my W what I needed and instead of communicating to her what I needed and working on it I just shut down. I need to think on this one some more.


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
Joined: Mar 2017
Posts: 723
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Originally Posted By: Joseph9
She is all over the board.

With that said though she is still the same broken person. Now that I have had time and distance I can see clearly. She is all over the place emotionally, seemingly happy one moment and disturbed the next. I can really see her more objectively and can really see her lack of contentment....I think I just got used to it or became numb to it over the years but I see it very clearly now that I got some space.

I think what has made this easier for me as I now realize my W was a horrible spouse (heck maybe we both were). Most men probably would not have put up with it as long as I did.


It's kind of funny, isn't it, that with time and space, we start to see the flaws more clearly? I was not the perfect husband I thought I was, but I'm realizing she was a pretty terrible W. She's personable, and I like her, but unless there is some serious commitment on her part, I don't want to go back.


M:23 T:26
Me:53, Wife: 60
S:18
D:16
filed 7/16
W moved out 4/28/17
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Just keep the light on, J9, keep it flashing...


WW H(me): 53
W: 48
T: 27 M: 22
S: 18
Piecing since 03/2016
Saw the light in the storm
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I also echo what you and Jim have said. W has a lot of terrible flaws and I can see them more clearly now. She wasn't the supportive spouse that I needed and she didn't have my back.

She's got a lot of work to do on herself, including what I can clearly now see as crippling anxiety resulting in serious conflict avoidance. It took her 3 years to tell her parents something - it was a big thing, but it took her that long to bring herself to do it.

And that was because of the anxiety and conflict avoidance traits. I don't have the years that it would take for her to work on herself and get to a place of confidence and calmness.

That's why I am good with D because I am not waiting around for years. My life is improving and I want to be with someone to have a fun filled life. I know what I want. Can she give me what I want? Maybe, but it might take years and even then I am not sure.

As Jim said, there needs to be some serious commitment on her part, which I am not seeing and I might have to wait around for a few years for even just that. So, I am not going back.

J - glad to see where you're at mentally and emotionally with D. I am also getting there. Getting more comfortable with filing for D.


No one is coming to save you!

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M - Before my W moved out she told me she was broken and it would take her years of intensive therapy for her to be right, something she wasn't willing to do. She also told me she knew I would love her for the rest of her life, that I was a good provider, etc. She still left. When you talk about the changes your W would need to make I understand completely.

N - The light is on and I find myself being very supportive of her throughout this D process. I don't do it as a manipulation tool to get her to return however I do it as I am being true to who I am and my character. I will not turn into some angry, hateful person because she rejected me.

J - I think the best you can hope for is that with time and distance the both of you can recognize your short comings and be willing to work together towards a better MR. That's assuming that the time and distance has not had the adverse effect and you realize that your spouse is not someone who is capable of change and you no longer desire to be with them smile


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 4,560
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Updates are getting less and less but as I started my sitch in June of 2017 I want to continue updating until the D is final.

Had a good week with the girls last week. Nothing earth shattering just school, practices and soccer games. Friday night they wanted to bake a cake so we did that and then we had soccer on Saturday. Went over to a buddy of mine's house on Saturday night who is divorced. He had his kid for the weekend so the kids played while we just sat around and chatted. Took the girls shopping for their Easter dresses as well and put together their baskets for yesterday morning. I don't have them this week but will get to see them on Tuesday and Thursday as they have soccer games.

Easter went well, they woke up at 5 am yesterday morning excited to see if the Easter bunny had came. So needless to say they filled up on a bunch of junk! Our neighbor came over and took some pictures of us before church so that was cool and then we went to church. After church we went to a big Easter egg hunt and then over to a friends house for Easter dinner and then the W picked then up last night around 7.

I sent the W an email about a week ago letting her know what the plans were for Easter and she was welcome to join us if she wanted. She never responded or acknowledged what I sent. Yesterday morning she texted some Easter picture to me and I sent her back a picture of the girls dressed up in their dresses I had bought and then we coordinated pick up times for yesterday. I thought about inviting her again but decided not to. She knew what we were doing and if she really wanted to be a part of it all she had to do was ask. It didn't bother me in the slightest but I was disappointed for my girls. The W ended up going shopping all day looking for items for her new condo.

Other than that things are calm between us. We go back to court on 4/12, which is next Thursday and then our D will be final. I am excited for this to be over with and my W is excited about her new condo. The dialogue between my W and I is still very cordial, I never pry into what she is doing and only know what she is willing to share which is whatever she brings up in conversation.

I wish she was more involved with the girls than what she is. She showed up 30 min late to our oldest daughters game on Saturday. She sent me a text letting me know which was cool but I didn't say anything to her about it as it's not my place. I have also started to notice that the oldest is starting to ask me if mommy will be coming or attending certain activities. When it is my week to have them she generally doesn't see them, she does go to their games but never attends their practices. If there is a school function then we attend together but that doesn't happen all the time. She didn't have them on Thanksgiving, Christmas Eve or Day, New Years and now Easter either. Obviously I will take my girls whenever I can get them but it does concern me that they have not been with her for a holiday. Her choice and it's not because she didn't have an opportunity to do so.

I am probably projecting some but I know it is not my place to say anything to her so I will just continue to provide all the support I can. My girls need their mom and I just hope they are getting what they need.

While I am down about this overall I am feeling great. Still hitting the gym, exercising, eating right, feeling healthy, meeting friends out when I can, still reading, attending church, looking forward to the summer for boating season and in general in a really good place physically, spiritually and emotionally.

I know their has been a lot of discussion lately about people being disappointed with DBing. I thought for sure if anyone was going to save their MR it was going to be me. Unfortunately I was not able to save it but I did something else which was save myself. Some where on this journey that became more important to me.

She is not my possession, I don't own her, I don't control her, she is free to do whatever she wants. I let my W go with love and peace, not in hate, anger or bitterness. We can only control ourselves and can't force anyone back into a MR that they don't want to be in. Turn yourself into a spouse that only a fool would leave but do it for yourself with no expectations. Dbing is for us the LBS, maybe you save your MR maybe you don't but hopefully you save yourself and you just don't survive but you thrive.

Do the right thing, stick to your values, your beliefs. Don't be hateful, react out of anger, be vindictive. The battle is not with your spouse but rather with yourself.

Peace to you all.


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 1,920
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Awesome update J.

Quote:
She is not my possession, I don't own her, I don't control her, she is free to do whatever she wants. I let my W go with love and peace, not in hate, anger or bitterness. We can only control ourselves and can't force anyone back into a MR that they don't want to be in. Turn yourself into a spouse that only a fool would leave but do it for yourself with no expectations. Dbing is for us the LBS, maybe you save your MR maybe you don't but hopefully you save yourself and you just don't survive but you thrive.


You basically summed up what I was trying to say in my thread in this nice paragraph lol. I need to learn how to be brief.

So, now that you have the D date kinda set, any plans for what you might be doing next? Is that online profile going up after that?


No one is coming to save you!

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