I think she we will work with me but I am going to need to get creative. I have enough money in the 401 to cover but she wants cash on hand to pay off debt and to have some money in the bank.
My mortgage guy is checking with the title company to see if her name is on the loan if it is I think the only way to get her off of the loan is to refi. If I have to go that route maybe I can get around refi-ing all of her portion of the equity.
If she won't budge and I have to refi half the amount it is really going to be a struggle.
I think she can sign a release of the loan to you without you refinancing (a quit claim deed or something like that), but she would still be liable for the loan if she is on it. If you fell behind, she could foreclose on you. Thats what i did, but the W wasn't concerned about her liabilities at the time. Assuming you bought the house during the marriage, i don't see why she wouldn't be on the loan.
Originally Posted By: Joseph9
I was fine going to an apartment until yesterday. It was a beautiful day outside and after we got home from church the girls went outside and played with the neighbors all afternoon. They rode bikes to the park and it just reminded me of how it would really stink if we had to move. They still call our house their home and they refer to the W's apartment as such.
Sounds like they feel the way i had thought my kids felt about my house. With that in mind, i'd be leaning towards keeping it if you can. As Vanilla points out, you can always make a different decision later if you decide its too much, meanwhile the property values might increase where you'd do better at that time.
Originally Posted By: Jim1234
One thing, though, is to be careful about which assets you give her in the D. If you give her all cash and equities, and are credited the same amount in your retirement account, when you cash out your retirement, you will be taxed at around 30%, whereas your W will only be taxed at the long term cap gains rate of around 10%, so you will have given her almost 20% more after tax money than you received.
If she wants only the cash, you'll have to pay not only the taxes (the 30% mentioned or whatever your bracket is) but also a penalty (I think its 10%) on the 401k. the penalties and taxes may shoot yourself in the foot here. I agree with Jim, make sure you don't lose too much here. On the other hand, you could just negotiate with her. At first offer like amounts and let her transfer the assets and deal with all that herself.
Me 51, Wife 44; Married 4; Together 10; HSD20, XWSD13, XWSS14, XWSS17 Kids Together D4, D1.52 W Moves Out: 03/16/17 W Files : 03/17/17 D Final: 10/23/17
Thanks all it sounds like a very personal decision of which is not going to be an easy one. My oldest told me this morning that she loved her room....uggh. At my W's apartment she shares a room with our youngest since it is only a two bedroom and I know as she gets older she is going to want her own space.
I know first world problems.....right
I do know my W wants cash in her savings account and I would only be willing to give her more of the 401 if she didn't want to cash that out because me paying the taxes on it would not be financially smart. So here are my options.
1. Sell the house, we each walk away with our 1/2 of the equity and I go buy a smaller house. It would not be our family home but it would be a fresh start, each would have their own bedrooms and our dogs would still have a home. Also a smarter investment that an apartment.
2. Ask her if she is willing to take her portion of the equity and split it between cash on hand and the rest from additional 401k money with the intent that she will use that portion for retirement and not cash it out. She would then still have half of her portion of the equity in cash. This way I would only be refi half of her portion of the equity and not all of it
3. Move to an apartment, take my equity and live the single life!
Faced with the same sitch as you after getting the house, i am going with your option 1 after some time in the house to reflect. I need to do some work to get that done though. It sounds like your D's biggest issues is that she wants her own room which would apply in a smaller house as well. Involving the kiddo in the house selection would be a fun thing as well.
Option 2 requires the most interaction and negotiation with the W. For me, i would avoid it, but you sound like you have a better talking relationship with your W than i (me and the W don't talk at all except for issues related to the children)
You can still do option 3 more financially responsible in option 1
Me 51, Wife 44; Married 4; Together 10; HSD20, XWSD13, XWSS14, XWSS17 Kids Together D4, D1.52 W Moves Out: 03/16/17 W Files : 03/17/17 D Final: 10/23/17
Thanks.....the appraisal came back and it high like I expected it to be. I am currently leaning towards selling it and buying something smaller in our same town. In the grand scheme of things asking my W to take less equity en lieu of 401k is not going to impact the monthly payment that much.
The more I thought about it I do agree with a fresh start and a house that my STBXW can't lay claim over. I can also see how another lady that I meet is probably not going to want to live in a house that I had with my STBXW.
Mortgage guy is currently running the numbers and I will know for sure.
Hi everyone, still undecided on the house thing. Got some new home owners insurance quotes that will help reduce my monthly payments and looking everywhere else I can in my budget to adjust and see if I can afford to stay. So we shall see how it pans out.
Had the kids all last week and took them to the W's place last night. My youngest got to me when she said good bye to me, she is so sweet. I told them I loved them in the car and she told me she would see me next week. I told her I would see her at soccer on Tuesday then as she was walking away with the W, going into the gate that leads into her apartment, she turned back around and said "Good Bye Daddy". I held it together in the moment but lost it on the way home.
I hadn't cried in quite some time and then I felt my blood start to boil. I got really angry but I feel better today. I will never understand any of this. I went to the gym this morning and got a good workout in so I feel better.
Nothing new on the W front. No contact outside of kid coordination stuff, finances and D logistics. A little over a month to go before we see the judge on 4/11 and it should be final. Her parents came to town this weekend, the ones she doesn't speak to. The flew in from CA and told my W's brother to let me W know as she doesn't speak to them. Last time they came to town we were still together and they just randomly showed up at our doorstep one afternoon. Anyway, she sent me a text to let me know so I would be aware if they randomly showed up at the house. I said if they did I would handle it. I guess she ended up going to meet them at their hotel however I don't know what transpired, I didn't ask. None of my business any more.
Other than that still trucking along, I am able to focus more at work these days. Looking forward to the first soccer games of the season ( I am helping coach ) and I will have them all next week for Spring Break. We rented a cabin and are going camping for a couple of days.
My W is off all next week but she made it a point to remind me that it is my week. I have no idea what she is doing but obviously she doesn't want to spend it with her kids. I am trying really hard not to judge but it definitely gives me some insight on where her head is at.
Anyway all for now, still feeling strong, I still feel she is a fool and I know in my heart I will never pursue or chase her. There is not much desire to do that any more. I will not waiver and am still very confident with who I am, what I have to offer and the man I have become over the past 9 months. I always knew I was a good man but now I feel like a good man on steroids
Sorry you had a down day man. Maybe this article will cheer you up:
Boys learn to chase girls in high school and college. Those early teen experiences shape much of the way men think about relationships. For many men, they find themselves married, with children, a job and the game is over. But for other men, those who have either not been married by their 40s or are facing a post divorce life in their 40s, there’s a lot of good news that they need to know about.
In youth, the game of sexual relationships is played according to the rules dictated by women. That’s mostly a matter of biology to be honest. Young women of child bearing age have a clock ticking and they know that they need to find the most suitable father for their children. They withhold their sexual favors while they are wooed by men. In the calculus of relationships, people figure out their own worth, and then effectively try to engage with someone of equivalent or better value.
This works quite well for the procreation of the species. But we were not necessarily built for relationships that last forever. People grow and change. So often these days men find themselves single again in their late 30s or early 40s. They come to me and share their pain and concerns that they have to start dating again.
This is when I get to share with them the good news. For men, the game has changed in our favor. A 45-year-old-man is now a target, not the hunter. It is much easier for a man in his 40s to find desirable dating partners of the female persuasion.
I say this because it is true. You need only look at the numbers to figure out why. To begin with, there are more women than men in society. It’s about a 60/40 split, and the women live longer than the men. In later years, the gender gap becomes even wider as men tend to die earlier than women..
The other factor that many men forget about is that many of the guys they used to compete with, are now out of the game. Either they are married, or gay. Some have just given up on relationships after being burned a couple of times. So there’s less competition, and more hunters.
Finally the biggest factor that an older man has in his favor is that he can now date easily 20 years below him and few people think there is anything wrong with it. So a 45-year-old-man dating a 25-year-old-woman is cool. Which means that a man gets the entire pool of women from 25-60 to date and he can have his pick.
For women, it’s a rough road. I am convinced that what drives so much of the hurt and anger in divorces is the knowledge, whether conscious or subconscious, that she’s competing with all the other women from 25 – 60. A woman who is divorced at 45 has a slim chance of finding another husband because a 45-year-old-man, can and likely will be dating a 35- or 25-year-old-woman.
But for guys who are facing a new life of dating post divorce – the options are many, and the joys are plentiful. You’re much more attractive to women, and those hotties that ignored you 20 years ago, they’d kill for you now.
So to the men I say, hit the gym, drop a few, increase the cardio (you’ll need it!) and get ready for a new lease on life. You’ve got some serious dating to do to make up for lost time.
LH. You brought a smile to my face. I am looking forward to the post D life. Been noticed by a few women already and I know that when I am ready to be out in the dating world, it's going to be aiight!!!
Thanks L....that made me smile as well! Not sure why it hit me yesterday but it just did. Not because of her but because of my kids. I know it could be so much worse but it was rough.
On a positive note.......I got the numbers back from my mortgage guy and I am going to stay in our home. I should be ok with the money I will be saving on insurance and a few other things so I am excited about that!! It will be a little tight however if I budget properly and stick to it I should be good!
