Hi Blu....I am glad you returned, your writing and insight you provide others is priceless. I was happy to read about you and your H, you deserve it!
I always thought I did a good job with DBing however my W never moved in my direction. She never once showed an interest in what I was doing, when she left she was done. I battle periods of sadness more about what could have been vs what was lost and what my children won't get to experience. With that said I feel good with who I am, what I have to offer, I am a proud father of two amazing little girls and I know my story is not over.
I appreciate your kind words and positive re-enforcement. It means a lot!
H - I am going to need to do the same and hopefully she will work with me on it. I do know my W wants cash on hand to pay off the vehicle she is getting and to pay off her portion of debt. I can stand to refi a portion of the equity just not all of it so if she will agree to only take 1/2 of her portion I am willing to make up for it out of my 401.
My fingers are crossed......if nothing else maybe my loving detachment and model DBing efforts will pay off in the D settlement
Thanks N....I appreciate it, it means a lot. You and Vaps always lurking! I obviously always knew I loved my D's but going through this ordeal has taken it to a completely different level. When it comes to them and myself I will not waiver.
I am sad, happy, proud and excited all at the same time. You really find out what your made of though when you go through something like this. I am more confident now than I have ever been before in my life. I have also realized I am a better man that I ever thought I was.
Wow, i get so much from reading other's threads, in reviewing to provide my opinion on the house sitch, i ran across the quotes below that really helped me. This, from your last thread really helped me define my XW:
Originally Posted By: Vanilla
Temp checking is very different, the wayward wants plan A and to keep the other as Plan B.
The walkaway has no plan A.
Just saying
My (X)W behavior was/is very similar. During Marriage counseling, she had no idea what she was going to do outside moving in with Mom. Now i know the causes even if it doesn't change what i need to do. Thanks Vanilla/Joseph9
Originally Posted By: Joseph9
The pursuit and distance concept did not workout for me. It might have brought her closer to the extent the pressure was removed but it did not bring her closer wanting to know about my life, what I was doing, it never caused her to ask more questions or to show an interest in my comings and goings. I do know that it helped me heal which is more important.
Same here on my sitch. I think you have detached a whole lot better than i. Kuddos to you.
Originally Posted By: Joseph9
Hi Jim the current plan was to split the house 50/50, split the 401 50/50, we would not touch our pensions (they are almost equal in value) and the money set aside for the kids would not be touched.
Depending on the amount of equity we have in the house I was going to propose to her that I give her a specific dollar amount of the equity and I would make the difference by giving her a larger portion of the 401.
This way it would reduce the amount that I need to refi and hopefully put me in a position financially to keep the house.
If it was just me I would sell the house, take my portion of the money and take a vacation . I am struggling with the decision though due to my kids.
Anyway, this is what i was wanting to reply to throw my $0.02 in before i went into your last very (off track) helpful thread. Sorry for the rewind hijack.
In the D, I got the house in the divorce and planned to keep it for the same reasons as you want to. I went back and forth with this decision, and that position was fortified back then when my IC mentioned she sold her family house because of the memories of her late husband in it (other input had been "thats sounds good"). She later regretted moving out of the house her kids had grown up in because she thought she had not taken them into account fully when making the decision. However, her kids were older.
All was going according to this plan until i got laid off recently. This has forced me to re-look at that decision. Like Holding i could probably make it happen with the help from family, but I'm considering taking some advice on the forum and now selling it and rearrange my assets to ultimately get something new. As was pointed out, the kids would most likely like something new and it would be a "new beginning" both for the kids and myself.
After reflection, i now am thinking keeping my house may also be my way of holding onto the (old) MR and this would give me the opportunity to make some changes for me (and the kids) as well. My W had wanted to get out of the house anyway and would not want to move back in if we were to reconcile. You seem better detached than i though, so this might not be the case with you. Getting something new that is tailored towards me and the kids may bring the focus on the other constant in their lives. I'm still on the fence though, but now leaning towards selling. Like Holding, i have some time to make that decision. The other thing that was brought up to me was that if i keep the house and find someone new, i may just be filling the EXs role in the house. How would you feel if you found someone else and stayed in your house? Would they just be filling a role there?
Me 51, Wife 44; Married 4; Together 10; HSD20, XWSD13, XWSS14, XWSS17 Kids Together D4, D1.52 W Moves Out: 03/16/17 W Files : 03/17/17 D Final: 10/23/17
From personal experience, it if pretty effin weird having some else in the same house you shared with the significant other. Esp. having sex with some one new. It feels like cheating and it is an awful feeling.
Besides it's all theoretical at this stage so no use speculating how it will be.
When WH left I revamped and made a different bedroom the new MBR. I have had visitors to stay but even at 3 years in still have not dated. My clever nephew lived in the old MBR and its become his room in my mind. I am still healing but nearly there. So will have to face these questions one day I think so.
That bridge to be crossed when I reach it.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
I was able to buy my XW out of the house by subtracting her equity (50% of shared equity) from the amount she owed me from her 401k.
I admit I may have it backwards, but I don't think so....
I think this is the right way to go, if possible, Holding. You have after tax money, and she has before tax money. Say you both got $50K out of the split; you truly have $25K, but she's only going to get 19K after taxes are paid when she takes the money out.
M:23 T:26 Me:53, Wife: 60 S:18 D:16 filed 7/16 W moved out 4/28/17
From personal experience, it if pretty effin weird having some else in the same house you shared with the significant other. Esp. having sex with some one new. It feels like cheating and it is an awful feeling.
But perhaps it's just me...
It's not just you. And it's not just in the same house, either. And on occasion, it really... interferes... with the flow of things.
M:23 T:26 Me:53, Wife: 60 S:18 D:16 filed 7/16 W moved out 4/28/17
