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job #2779097 02/19/18 04:18 AM
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I'm so glad to hear it went well. Just another example of why you often can't tell from one date. Awesome for you!

Now please tell me you are not having him getting to know D 10 at this point! Please! I'm not going to jump to conclusions here but will pull out my 10x12 (as the 2x4 didn't work) we've talked about this in the past. Take it slow and no D until you two have been a could for a while

Just enjoy it for wherever it goes. Slow and steady wins the race! So very happy for you!


DonH
Midwest
Me 56
WAW-EXW 55
Met 11/95 / Married 5/00
Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06
4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
DonH #2779101 02/19/18 04:38 AM
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WOO HOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm so glad that the 2nd date went well for you. That is awesome, G, and you SO deserve it. You are a wonderful person and I'm glad that he treated you well on the 2nd date. I hope that trend continues. Just breathe, relax and enjoy. Can't wait to read more about the good times ahead. You go, girl!


Me 52, H53
Bomb drop 9/29/2014
Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014
Marriage #2 12/31/2019
5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships)
6 grandkids
Dawn70 #2779104 02/19/18 05:46 AM
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Thank you, thank you guys! It's early on, but it's fun, and I am living in the moment. I am only looking as far ahead to Friday night, lol. I also told him it was my treat as he has paid for everything else so far.

Don- nooooooo, of course D10 has not met him and won't for a while. He completely understands that. I didn't even have to mention that. D10 has been seeing some texts because she is as nosy as heck, and she's figured out I have went on a date, but she is going to have to deal with waiting. I have no reason this time to introduce early on. We have been lucky that some weekends have been spit so I could go out with him 3 weeks in a row, but there will be 1 weekend I am away, and the following 2 weekends I will have her. I will get a babysitter if need be.

Job, your words mean a lot to me. Especially with what I have been feeling, which I guess you saw. Long story, but because of the weather Saturday, my dad put our dinner off until Wednesday, and D10 and I ended up going out to dinner with ex and OWW. I fight everyday with the fact that I was the starter marriage and during me came a long term one that might last. That I have been the woman who was the one right before THE ONE with every other guy I have ever dated. May it have happened, during me, 5 minutes after me, or in another case, a year after me, I have always been the one before. And it has left me with a complex and it hurts. I don't want to be the one always setting the stage for the real deal. I deserve to be the real deal. Sitting in front of my ex and his OWW made think about it again. exH was not feeling well and across the table from us, he put his head on her shoulder. Then her phone lit up and her screen saver is of her and my daughter. I don't think I will ever not have a reaction to either. I try not to think about all of this sometimes, but others, it's right in my face and I have a reaction.

But enough of the sad stuff. It's nice having dates in my free time. I hate first dates, but when I enjoy the enjoy the dating part. It's fun having someone to do things with. It was nice to lay my head on a guys chest with his arm wrapped around me. I forgot what it felt like. Kind of nice.

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I'm putting my boards away - well done G! I can only imagine how much harder it is with a 10 year old detective on the case although that too might be an opportunity. I really think a lot of your D (as much as I can for never meeting her) and I know how close you two are but it seems like sometimes she forgets or wants to forget that she is a child. This might be a good place for a firm boundary with her - and one with great life lessons. Being firm with her in that this is an adult R and one kids need not involve themselves in at this point. Reassure her that if things progress that the time will come where she meets and interacts with him but that time is not now. This may result in her trying even harder so that if she figures it out, she is "rewarded" by meeting him sooner, because she knows anyhow and the "secret" is out. That wouldn't be good but it's exactly what a sharp kid would do. So even if she does find out a few details, don't enguage! D10 "I know who you went on a date with." G: "you may or you may just think you do. Either way, we are not discussing it unless it becomes serious. What would you like for lunch?" Don't let her push you into revealing anything before its time - or you are ready.

As a guy, one thing that has impressed me most is when a woman invites me to do something and/or offers to pay. This was more impressive when I/we were younger but still impresses. It really shows you are interested and engaged, not just taking what you can get. While I never thought women who didn't do this were taking advantage or anything, but agreeing to go out is one level. Asking someone out and or paying is a whole other level.

I'm excited for you Ginger!


DonH
Midwest
Me 56
WAW-EXW 55
Met 11/95 / Married 5/00
Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06
4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
DonH #2779197 02/20/18 03:49 AM
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As someone whose love language is physical touch too, I will say it's super nice to date someone who shares that.

kml #2779201 02/20/18 04:13 AM
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Originally Posted By: kml
As someone whose love language is physical touch too, I will say it's super nice to date someone who shares that.

Agreed!!


Me-70, D37,S36
Cadet #2779343 02/21/18 02:12 AM
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So, I am going to totally regret asking this......

Remember when FF was totally into me from the beginning and you all told me it is a red flag?

Well, this one seems to be the same. He is very sweet, seems to really like me and has made some really thoughtful gestures. We were talking about all my NJ Devils baseball caps and I said my ex took my 2000 stanely cup champion one (he loved the way it fit, he did not like hockey). well, POF guy (as we could call him)actually went and found it on ebay and bought it for me.

It doesn't bother me, I think he a nice thoughtful guy and we are excited to see eachother and get to know each other. My IC thinks this stuff is normal in the beginning. The rest of you all thought it was a big red flag.

In the moment I am enjoying myself. I am not getting a bad gut feeling. I think he is a giver, as he self describes himself. Atleast he is letting me pay for Friday night.

Curious how you guys feel about this one.

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Yeah, we guys are good at paying attention to the little things at the beginning of a R, sometimes it's keeping it up for the long haul that can be difficult.

I don't see the gesture itself as a red flag, you mentioned it and he was thoughtful enough to make the effort to find one for you, just be aware that sometimes guys do things like that for the points.

I'm going to go out on a limb because I'm definitely no relationship expert, but my personal opinion is that it's ok to enjoy all the moments of getting to know each other; it's ok to get physical early in a R if that's what you want, and to accept or give gifts and basically do things that maybe get overshadowed as R's become longer term.

I think the key is to remain detached enough not to long for those things, enjoy them as they come, but don't allow yourself to become emotionally dependent on them until enough time has passed to get through the immediate limerance of R's, so you invest emotionally only once you start to see them for who they are, eyes wide open.

But what do I know, I haven't been on a date in like 12 years.


M - 9 1/2 years
5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA
10/31/16 - We sold house
01/10/18 - D Finalized
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Originally Posted By: Coconut
I'm going to go out on a limb because I'm definitely no relationship expert, but my personal opinion is that it's ok to enjoy all the moments of getting to know each other; it's ok to get physical early in a R if that's what you want, and to accept or give gifts and basically do things that maybe get overshadowed as R's become longer term.


And here comes Donh with a chainsaw aimed at the base of that limb. smile. The problem with getting physical early is it often clouds judgement and feelings. This is especially true for women. I'm not saying that you should not have some physical contact, kissing, etc., early on, even the first date, but actual sexy early on can make it very difficult to really tell if things are real. Sex makes people feel good. It's built into the human drive for a reason. But so does heroin make people feel good. Both do so early on. We then tend to confuse the feelings we get from the physical contact with feelings of love or at least strong like - when they are more just feelings of lust. This confuses our brains into thinking it's real when it's just as much the endorphins at play as anything real. It's biological. Be careful of early intimacy.

As to what he did Ginger, you've said multiple times now that he is trying too hard. I'd have to agree with this latest move. So believe what you are seeing there. He is most certainly trying hard. But is that bad? In and of itself I don't think it is. I think it's nice and you should enjoy it. But (there is always a but, isn't there?) WHY is he trying so hard? That's where I'd worry. What's going on with that? Does he love the chase and then he backs off. Love avoidant guys often come on very strong like this then all of a sudden back off. Desperate guys who don't want to be alone do the same. BUT so do genuine nice guys.

So, it's really too early to tell. Personally, this would push me back a bit - but that's me. It may be a broken part of me, but its me. If a girl was trying this hard with me this early on I'd wonder what's wrong with her and the pursuit would likely have my guard up. It's too much too fast. Why is he not a prize that you should be chasing? Instead it almost seems like he thinks you are too good to be true, too good for him and he really wants you. Many women would be thrilled with that. Still I question why? what's going on here?

You can't tell any other way but with time. You'll find out soon enough. Just don't let him speed things up on you like FF did. Everything happened so fast with FF. You guys went from zero to sixty and then burned out just as fast. I'm not seeing that here, yet wow, you mention a hat missing out of your collection and within days he gives it to you? I'd have waited for a special,occasion for this gift. But that's just me.

Hope something in there helps.


DonH
Midwest
Me 56
WAW-EXW 55
Met 11/95 / Married 5/00
Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06
4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
DonH #2779393 02/21/18 07:56 AM
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Ging....

Maybe if we switched the roles this time ???

Butterflies
Sex
Time alone
Oh crap
What am I doing
this kinda hurts
maybe I should have known him better...

To

Maybe I should know him better
I am aware that this could hurt
What I am really doing
Oh crap
Time alone
Sex
Feeling those butterflies...


Call me crazy...

smile

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