MLC Husband Wants Divorce After 16 Years Of Marria

[DonH]

I think most here would tell you that DBing is one thing but protecting yourself is job number one. Acting as if MIGHT be a god move when it comes to some things but most certainly not financial. You can't let him steal from you or let him place you into debt in the name of DBing. That's just not part of the plan. At the very, very least you should be keeping meticulous details of everything he has taken, bills, possessions, title changes - all of it. Your attorney can then get this all worked into your final settlement. Just because he took possession of something does not mean he gets to keep it - at least without paying you for half of it.

He seems to be doing whatever he wants to and you are doing nothing. That is not DBing!!! I'm not saying you should change his mind. You can act as if by saying, husband, you can leave if you want, I will not try to stop you, but you cannot take things out of this house without my permission. If he is no longer living there and has left CHANE ALL OF THE LOCKS. It's no longer his house to come and go as he pleases.

Above all else, you need help in this. Getting a DB coach should be considered and getting an attorney is A MUST. Please don't continue to let H run this show in the name of acting as if.

[JTO]

Thanks Don! I'm definitely keeping very good records and I am almost at enough saved for the retainer fee for the L. I'm changing the locks and giving written notice that since moving out is a clear indicator of intentions he no longer requires access to the home and he is not to come back and can contact me in writing.

I have been cleaning and rearranging furniture and really enjoying myself this week. It has been really, really good. My C is astounded at the progress and level of detachment and is very encouraging. It has been a very good week!

[JTO]

I've been busy lately with work and GAL activities. Close to having enough for the L and still working on saving up.

H came by to pick up mail on his birthday. Had not seen him since he moved out and he looked haggard. He made a big show of coughing and carrying on saying how ill he is and that he is on medicine that makes him ill. IMO, his voice just sounded as though he had been chainsmoking nonstop. He pushed again about getting money for the value of the home, saying he is broke, has been missing work, used up all his vacation and thinks he is going to have to file bankruptcy. After barely more than a week... he has this catastrophic flair for the dramatic. Also, a mutual friend pointed out to me that he went golfing today.

He actually expected me to buy that he "cries every night now" because of how bad things are and that he can't contribute to agreed upon bills. I told him it is all itimized and will come out of any settlement at the end regardless. I wonder if he came to get the mail on his birthday because he thought I had gotten him a present (I hadn't) or would verbally acknowledge it (I didn't)? I am maintaining the polite indifference and keeping any interaction brief and remaining cheerful.

After seeing him my wall briefly collapsed later and the detachment I had been so steadfast in maintaining went away for a bit. I allowed myself a good 5-10 minutes to fall apart a little bit and then pulled it all back together.

Work and the gym are two lifelines at the moment. I'm so ecstatic about small improvements- tonight I did 120 push ups and was able to do 220 pounds on the leg press machine in addition to strides made on some other pieces of equipment, too. We are up to three sets of planks for a minute. It is good to be in a group doing all this, as it is especially motivating and everyone is so cheerful.

This may be silly, but I discovered an app called Happify and have been using that daily for motivation. Of course there are a ton of "premium" in app purchases, but there are plenty of freebie "happy games" and exercises that help to get out of a negative mindset.

Fostering friendships is another great opportunity. I have plans for Friday and Saturday with two different friends and also have a support group meet up on Saturday morning.

I suppose all of this is progress.

[JTO]

Feeling really productive today! I have been attending a really close-knit support group that has recently begun in my area and it is a real blessing. Hearing all the stories shared and the similarities in my own sitch along with reading and interacting here builds up so much strength and resolve.

Lots of GAL fun is happening this week, too. Had a great dinner and visit with my friend from high school and another friend and I have plans Monday. This is my first full weekend off in awhile and it also feels satisfying to be accomplishing chores and other things around the house without any hinderances. Working on some gratitude projects for perspective is another motivator along with looking forward to classes as the gym, so things are going well!

[OwnIt]

You really are an inspiration. You are handling all of this so well and really doing what is necessary. Keep it up!!!!

[JTO]

Thank you!

This week has been amusing, as H is now openly tagging the AP, flirting online and declaring her to now be one of his best friend's. He attempted to make it appear as though they have only known each other a couple of weeks (probably to assuage suspicions his family may have about some random woman no one knows suddenly being so chummy with him). It is sort of pathetic and I doubt anyone believes the flimsy statement made.

He has also been tagging her to relate movie clips of a favorite shared movie of ours. Then making statements about how they should watch it together one night. (Presumably when he eventually moves to her state). I'm sure he is attempting to provoke some kind of reaction from me either online or verbally to family or him, but I just have silently kept a record of anything that may be helpful and informative.

Otherwise, still keeping extremely busy and staying motivated. Still feeling strong and ready for anything!

[JTO]

H up to a lot more online activity and tagging AP often with praise of her. I check in and screenshot everything in the event it bolsters anything useful in my case. I have not reacted or let on that I am aware of any of this in our very minimal written communications.

I made a request about figuring out what to do about taxes. If we file jointly there may be a nominal amount back. If separate we will owe. I know what one spouse does the other must as well, so I want to file soon in order to itemize, claim mortgage interest and get a very low amount to owe and then he has to itemize as well. He would only be able to claim his tools and would owe more than I do. I'm sure he is completely unaware of this. He always relied on me to do our taxes and has no idea which would be the best way...

I received a passive-aggressive note indicating he "doesn't know about taxes and doesn't know a lot about anything right now except that he is a lot happier." He also had just told me he cries every night. I basically don't believe anything at all he says or writes at this point and base any judgement or look for answers only in his actions.

I have reconnected with more friends from my past and am working on some fun projects this weekend after work, so putting aside H's foolishness and focusing on productive opportunities is still very motivating.

[JTO]

All still well on GAL scene. Reconnected with some old colleague and spent the day visiting with one lady with whom I used to work and have made more plans to visit again on Saturday.

H is childishly posting humorous memes about bad breakups and frequently tagging AP in cutesy, flirty posts. It was my birthday and I was actually surprised to receive well wishes from 2 of H's cousins, his Aunt and H's youngest sister's husband. No one in his immediate family has acknowledged my existence and I will say that is hurtful when I have been a very close member of the entire extended family for almost 20 years.

[JTO]

Have not physically seen H since his birthday when he showed up for mail and to poach items from the home. H did go to the backyard on my birthday while I was out and picked up his stock tires that were in the backyard. He had his mailing address changed so his mail routes to his new address and has not been by or communicated since the passive aggressive note left about not knowing what to do about taxes but being happier now.

My side of the family monitors his public Facebook info along with what AP posts publicly. There is quite a lot of info. This last week H changed his status from "separated" to "in a relationship" and named the AP. He dated on his status the relationship began in November when he never even said "I'm divorcing you" until December 18th. (Of course he has been involved with her most of last year, but for him to publicly put that info out there when the ad hasn't even been filed...)

It was pointed out to me tonight that on her profile is a photo of them together and happy now as her profile photo and she lives over 1,0000 miles away. So either she drove here or he drove there(most likely).

I'm sooooooooooo close to having the money for my L. Not sure the angle to take. Should I just wait until Dec. and go for abandonment? Just do no fault? Adultery is the hardest to prove in my state. Just him posting a relationship status and a pic of them smiling won't cut it. I could reasonably be rid of him by June if he acquiesces to a settlement agreement. He has no money for a lawyer and is a narcissist who has to win at all costs at everything, so not sure what kind of trickery would be pulled, but I am trying to anticipate anything.

[JTO]

And now I'm being defriended on FB by some mutual friends. I can only imagine the tale that has been concocted.