Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 7 of 11 1 2 5 6 7 8 9 10 11
Joined: May 2016
Posts: 791
P
PsySara Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
P
Joined: May 2016
Posts: 791
Tonight WH comes home and requests a talk for 10 mins after the kids go to bed. I agree and go about the evening routine. I sit on the couch and he sits across the room on the chair (something I've requested him not to do, he mumbles and it is frustrating to ask him to repeat himself.)

WH, "So I was at work today with a lot of emotions going through my head and I've decided I am not interested in this marriage."

Me,".....blink."

WH, "I am going to let my parents know this week once the paperwork is filed."

Me "Yeah, I agree which is why I will speaking with my lawyer this week and getting everything started again."

WH "You've said that before."

Afterward we discussed where he would live (close by, preferably where the kids could still be at the same bus stop and maybe even walk between houses.) Also I brought up putting my own cell phone in my name as well as car insurance. The convo left me sad and resigned. I had just completed a mandatory parenting class for divorce required in Fl. I look at my beautiful children and feel a sense of defeat, that no matter how hard I tried there was no reversing this course. I will make my children a statistic and exponentially raise their risk factors by divorcing this alien.

Forgive me my friends, I am not myself and probably won't be again for some time. I sometimes read the threads of others but don't participate as I feel like a hypocrite. So many times I fantasize about turning back the clock and picking someone different. Someone more authentic and deeply connected to themselves and make decisions based on goodness and kindness. Instead my children have an emotional cripple for a father, someone stuck in their early teens emotionally.

My babies, I am so sorry.


M 10yrs T 13yrs
BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW
BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off
Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce
April '17-Letting go
2018 D busted
DD8, DS6, DS3
Joined: Jan 2016
Posts: 1,091
J
J5K Offline
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Jan 2016
Posts: 1,091
Sara,

I am sorry to hear this. You have done your best to keep the family together. You are strong, brave and beautiful. Your babies love you and that is what matters.

Reading your post brought back the feelings I had when I thought I failed the boys. It is not us who have failed though. You have tried everything you could to reach out and communicate to hold the family together.

There will be a whole new set of feelings and emotions now through the D process. I hope you have better and more tranquil in days to come.

(((Sara)))


H-46 XW-38 T-7 M-6
S-9,8,8,6,4
S 11/30/15, I filed 12/8/15
EA 2/1/16 D dismissed 3/24/16
PA 3/18/16 confirmed 4/22/16
XW files for D 4/1/16 - D final 11/17/16
Finally moving forward...
Joined: Dec 2016
Posts: 229
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Dec 2016
Posts: 229
Sara,

It's obvious that your H is still somewhere in his own world. Let him be!
Drop any kind of pursuit, don't try to make him care for the children unless he is willing too, because he is not the best example for them right now, may be later after reflecting on his situation. Like us, we need to detach from them, they need to detach from us.

Right now, he is blaming you for what's wrong in his life, once you will be out of it, he will finally be able to see things clearer. It takes a few months for that process to happen.

Your priority right now is your children, they need a strong mother so you are going take care of yourself mentally (yoga, relaxation, counseling, medication or whatever works for you) and physically (sleep, eating right, exercising..)

Yes, they are going to be impacted by that D but children are resilient when given the right support and example. When I was a mess, my children were a mess (depression/hospitalization...) and when I started to climb out of that deep hole, they followed me, they are now doing very well.

Be strong! By the way, it's Ok to cry and be angry, don't internalize those negative feelings, express them, write here, talk to someone or start a blog... You need to grieve your marriage and your past expectations, don't try to bury them otherwise you will never find peace or move really forward.

Remember you are a human being, so you are not perfect and it's OK to have ups and downs in the same hour.

Don't forget to have fun, look for the good/positive side of any situation!
You can now organize your life YOUR OWN WAY.

Find a good friend willing to listen to you every day, that's a lifesaver!

Just keep in mind that your mission is to raise those kids and they need a fun/loving/strong/determined mom.

((((HUGS)))


Me 52+ WH 57+
Married 20 +
Piecing since 2016 (ready to give up...)
Joined: Aug 2017
Posts: 404
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Aug 2017
Posts: 404
Paysara,
As you know your journey just started and won't be easy. I say it all the time this has been one of my toughest battle I have been fighting and am going on 11 months and my battle is starting as I start court this week.

Your H sounds like my W in the beginning she at first said to me there's a condo where am at we can be like neighbors in my head I was like WTF. and as she said it, it was like it was all plan and W just said it like we where Best friend I just listen how W said we can both walk kids to bus stop they can just walk over and we all be happy again I had this blank look in my face. I was still in shock as W laid it all out.

And ask me how is it going now. Lol nothing like W said or wanted she won't even co parent infact W said she never wanted the last two kids. Am hoping that never happens to you but always prepare for the worse our W/H are gone there story constantly change there plans change is like riding a death rollercoaster you just don't know what is next or what are their next move are. All you have control of is you and kids now. I know we at bd are numb is like getting hit by a semi truck and you just lost your H. Speaking for me this is how I kept my insanity because literally W after 3 days of family Vacation she says am unhappy, ILYBNILWY, to I just sign a lease moving out tomorrow. I honestly lost my other half my kids lost there mom. I say it all the time is like one day we where driving and head on semi truck struck us and I lost everything I knew only my kids and I survived. Because to me my W died my w is gone I honestly don't think W will ever snap out of it.

So survive this the way you can cope with it. We all have out own way to cope. But don't forget about yourself or kids. Your kids will need you more than ever this will be your toughest battle but you will survive.

Protect yourself and kids mentally and financially and we all know this don't believe anything your H says because he right now only cares about him. Hang in there.

A day at a time sweety. The sun will shine again.


At BD
Lesbian marriage
Me39,W36
S9,D9,S8 adopted all three
Together almost 10yrs
Bomb Drop - April 2017
W movedout - May,2017
OW June,2017
Currently 2018
Me40, W38
S10,D10,S9
Joined: May 2016
Posts: 791
P
PsySara Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
P
Joined: May 2016
Posts: 791
Marina,
I've been DBing for 2 years, this is not fresh nor shocking. My WH cheated not once but twice with the same diseased wh0re and gave me an STD. I've gone to IC, dragged us to MC, took us to Retrouville and waited and waited. He's not changing.

I stopped by my attorney yesterday and green lighted her to submit the divorce. She said there's a it of back up but that it will be filed this week and likely WH will be served shortly thereafter. WH acts as if nothing is wrong. He came home late last night and spent over an hour on the phone with his family that he is treating to a full week at WDW. WH will be taking the kids that weekend as well. (I made it clear I am not having another awkward and weird trip to WDW like the last few trips, I'm done faking it)

I took care of the kids and put them to bed and he moped around the house and went to bed early. He bought an English bulldog puppy a month ago and I am now doing 90% of it's care. Typical. He gets new things and then quickly gets bored with them. The more detached I become the more I realize I don't like this man.I can't really find anything attractive about him. Looks-wise he looks much older due to balding and he's not fat but he is out of shape. These things don't usually matter to me but when you add the uncouth behavior (belching very loud, passing gas in front of me), the selfish and immature behavior, it makes me wonder what I ever saw in him?


M 10yrs T 13yrs
BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW
BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off
Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce
April '17-Letting go
2018 D busted
DD8, DS6, DS3
Joined: Feb 2016
Posts: 1,866
Likes: 1
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Feb 2016
Posts: 1,866
Likes: 1
As others have said, sometimes its not the waywards fog that is lifted, but the fog of the LBS.

Im sorry Psy. But you will be so much better off. My ex left over 2 years ago. For me it was getting over the gaslighting and cruelty. But i do not in any way miss my ex and his behaviors. Nothing changed for the worse for me since hes been gone. Its slowly getting better.

I know for you it was a matter of saving the marriage for your children. I said the same thing. I am the only person in my fairly large amd traditional family to be divorced. But my son has really handled this amazingly. I am glad that he will not be witness to my ex's selfishness and my resentment and our bickering and fighting.

Marina, i do not know your story but will try to catch up. I am thinking that its not your wife that died, but perhaps your seeing the real her. Peoples true natures come out when life gets real. It just takes a while to discover.


M: 42
H: 43
Twins age 5
WAH in summer
Joined: Dec 2016
Posts: 229
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Dec 2016
Posts: 229
Let him handle his puppy, stop doing things for him! Send him a few messages with the puppy's schedule...keep the answers for your lawyer.

Since you H is a spender, try to make a list of his spendings versus what he contributes to the community, just to have a idea in case...


Me 52+ WH 57+
Married 20 +
Piecing since 2016 (ready to give up...)
Joined: Mar 2017
Posts: 723
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Mar 2017
Posts: 723
I doubt this will be helpful, especially since you have young kids, but when things started going south for us, W bought a dog. I made it absolutely clear that I wasn't taking care of it in any way, shape, or form. "Oh, don't worry, we (W and kids) love this dog and we'll take care of it!" But no one did. The only thing I would do is fill its water bowl because I felt sorry for it. It was so bad that I literally walked around an obvious steaming pile of $hit in our hallway for a week before someone else cleaned it up. After that, I think W got the message that it was her responsibility, not mine, and things got better. Yes, it was passive/aggressive, but I didn't go that route until more traditional methods failed, so I did something different.

If you just stopped taking care of this dog, what would happen?

BTW, with small kids, I wouldn't recommend leaving poop lying around, but maybe put it in his car with a note explaining why?


M:23 T:26
Me:53, Wife: 60
S:18
D:16
filed 7/16
W moved out 4/28/17
Joined: Oct 2017
Posts: 937
N
Member
Offline
Member
N
Joined: Oct 2017
Posts: 937
Sara, I'm very sorry to hear all these things. I live in FL too. I don't think we live in the same city though because I kind of know the Muslim community and physician community here. I wish there was a way to get in touch and meet up. I'm moving up North though on April 1st.

I'm sure you married your husband when the relationship was totally different. Before kids everything is different. You married the man you loved and you couldn't predict the future. I'm sure your husband loved you too and still does in some ways but doesn't see the good parts of the marriage at this time.

I do hope so much we all find new spouses in the future who give us everything we wished for so badly from our current spouses. Or I wish our current spouses would work to fix it with us. I still feel like there's no worse feeling in the world than to love someone so much, and work so hard to save the relationship, and get nothing in return except abandonment and betrayal.

If possible it would be great if you could take some time off work or reduce your workload temporarily to give yourself a break. I hope you can meet or know some women going through the same thing to support each other. I hope your kids will someday know how much you tried to make this work for them. They will always appreciate what you did. I'm sure they'll love you even more knowing how hard you worked for them.

Joined: May 2016
Posts: 791
P
PsySara Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
P
Joined: May 2016
Posts: 791
Taking care of the puppy doesn't bother me, I have two French bulldogs and I just combine their care. It irritates me that he is neglecting a living thing after only having it about 6 weeks.

I filed this week and the lawyer will contact me when I can have WH served. Last night he went out to bowl with friends. I stayed home with the kids and we just relaxed and eventually fell asleep cuddled up together. Today WH is going out to some bike thing and will be gone most of the day. I actually look forward to him not being here, I can relax and enjoy the kids. I've always been a bit of a homebody so I am just chilling and playing with the kids. A friend of mine may stop by later just to hang out and chat.

In a few weeks WH will be taking the kids to WDW with some of his family, meanwhile he barely does any of the day to day child care. He has literally become the definitive "Disney dad." Oh the irony.

I signed up to take my boards this Fall and have been studying after I put the kids to bed, I am doing fairly well on the practice exams. I also interviewed for another job, it will be outpatient and lower demand for same pay. It is also about a 10 min drive from my home versus the 30 min drive I have twice daily. I really can't find any "downside" to this change. I will also have holidays off and no calls. Seriously, it's win/win.

My feelings are all over the place. I am grieving the fact that my children will be from a broken home. I am grieving the loss of my dream of a loving and strong marriage. I am grieving the loss of what I thought my WH was, it seems he never was the person I thought I married.


M 10yrs T 13yrs
BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW
BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off
Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce
April '17-Letting go
2018 D busted
DD8, DS6, DS3
Page 7 of 11 1 2 5 6 7 8 9 10 11

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard