I would like to ask another question. I have already told that my H gets more and more relaxed if I stick to the LRT. Unfortunately, once a week or every two weeks there is a sitch where I am (so far) not able to stick to my LRT (no chasing, no unnecessary phone calls, no unnecessary asking for help, no contact when the children are sleeping and so on). For example, the atmosphere is so relaxed and friendly that I can't help getting to close to my husband (e. g. trying to hug him or proposing going out together) - which makes him instantly angry. Or for example, our children, especially the recalcitrant teenager, were extremely misbehaving so that I can't help starting a discussion with my H in the evening that separation would make things even worse which makes him object that I want to force him to reconcile. I would like to know from people doing the LRT and still living under one roof with theirs spouses, how they ensure that they truly and continuously stick to the LRT for weeks and months. I try to be active and doing sports to go out, but we still live under one roof and share a common normal family life. I think that only suppressing my true feelings of desire and despair doesn't help. I have to completely forget about such feelings. But how can I do that?
I dont think you really can. I think theres a self protective part deep in you that knows your ex is being ridiculous and unfair. And thats why its impossible to follow stepford wifey techniques perfectly to win back a pos that is vilifying and gaslighting you and victimizing himself so that he can end a marriage without guilt.
I read posters like you and kitcat, and i cant believe that i once thought similarly to you regarding dealing with my ex's sh!tty and disrespectful treatmemt of me. I remember telling the family members that loved and cared about me the same arguments that you guys are telling me here to justify your spouses behavior.
(I later found out the truth about the double life he had been leading for years)
If i could go back i would have accepted what he said and realized that there are tons of people out there that will appreciate me despite my flaws because i am a loyal, honest, moral, and committed person. And if they could not then thats their issue. Let them go and search for a unicorn
JujuB, what you are writing doesn't make me feel better currently, but I carefully listen to you. Hoping my next questions are not too personal or painful.
Might you give me an idea what the truth about your husband's double life was?
It is so hard to let go if the person who wants to separate moves so extremely slowly like my H. For me it feels like dying or being amputated in instalments. And from each and every phase where nothing happens, I draw hope that this process has come to an end and we might start to return. Do you know people with the willpower to let go and accept the probably inavoidable future BEFORE the amount of facts cannot be ignored anymore? I mean the issue is all about "probably".
You need to step back and take a look at what your H is doing here, you need to win back the power in your life! This person is literally walking all over you without any consequences and knows you'll be there just in case things go south with him.
Take control off him and concentrate on you, you can only look after you.
What would be a 180 in your R? I see a person who's catering for his every need stop that and start to enjoy yourself and monitor his actions. I understand how scary this can be < but this is him having the power and control which is keeping you where he wants you. Come on don't allow him to ruin your life whilst he waits to see if there's something out there better...
Nothing's better than you right! Let him feel this by doing DR if only for a while it can't get that much worse than slowly loosing your own identity.
Be strong.
Mark.
DR'ing started March 2017
Don't blow the last bridge up from fantasy island, act "as if".
I used to post on bere as Julieh. When i came on, my ex had already left. He had been sleeping in a basement and avoiding me for the prior year while we went to marriage counseling. In which he basically complained that i didnt keep the house clean. That was his major problem. Although he later told me i was verbalky abusive and kept him from all his friends. We had moved in with my parents because i though we were saving for a house.
I was dping everything to appease him and make things easy on him. Hold back on complaints and reactions (i definitly had trouble with this)
It never made sense why we did not have money. He was a professional that went to top schools had top degrees and earned 6 figures.
When he left he would not pay child support and i was actually on here unsure if i should enforce it because i was agraid to make him angry!!!
I only worked part time because son is special needs and was only in preschool at the time.
Well after i finally got to look at his bank statements i saw that for years he was spending high amounts in bad neighborhoods (800 per week withdrawals in addition ti faily with drawals of 100 dollars) credit card statements showed 5 years of high sums from different liquor stores. They showed expensive dinners out as well (at times when i was pregnant and recovering from surgery) they showed he was not at work when he said he was.
Meanwhile me and my parents were rearranging everything to make his life easier because he was supposedly so stressed from his job!
Thanks for motivating. I feel ok with the measures I do within my 180 and my LRT. I feel very successful with my measures within my GAL. The issue is that it is a continuous up (1 week) and down (1 day). It is not that I am not convinced about my new attitude. I am lacking patience because this "separation" process is already lasting for such a long time. I am afraid of the next bomb drop that might come. And I am not truly detached because we still live together a normal family life. After having read the DB and DR books, I am glad to have found this forum. Maybe it helps to be more patient. Anyway, I will try again and again. Because both of us, my husband and me, feel obviously better if I am not controlling, not pursuing, not desperate, not showing any desire.
I appreciate all those warnings that my H is fooling on me. They keep me grounded. And I take all advice to focus on myself very seriously and I know that I have to do that anyway. Nevertheless, please don't mind if I still wish to reconcile with my H, I wish it firmly convinced and from the bottom of my heart.
I have realized so many times that trying to persuade him in which way ever leads to the most contrary effect. I really have to stop that. At this very moment, I am tempted to initiate a relationship talk with him, but I have decided to rather write in this forum instead. So I am thinking about your question, Parkema, what a 180 would be in my case. I already do all things to suppress my feelings of despair and anger in front of him and to not chase him in what way ever, that is not asking for unnecessary help, not initiating unnecessary talking, not following him around the house and so on. I enjoy a lot of things on my own, especially in the evenins, and try to keep being upbeat all the time.
Living under one roof, we prepare meals together, have common meals and activities with the kids. On these occasions, we do not fall silent, but have a lot of nice smalltalk about children, politics and friends and avoid all relationship related topic - like we always had. I wonder whether this is an issue regarding the 180. On the other hand, it is good for the kids who definitely shouldn't live in a family with Mom and Dad behaving like enemies or keeping silent all the time. I think the true problem is that I tend to misunderstand and misuse a good atmosphere in order to get some positive signals from my H and to persuade him that reconciliation is a better solution than moving on with separation. And then the good atmosphere is gone. So I am proud that I did not do this a few minutes ago. I have no idea what else to do within my 180 or LRT diet. I am reading the relevant chapters in the DR and DB books again and again. Stop pursuing and be patient really sounds so reasonable. Still I feel so unsecure. There are so many contradictions. Pursuing and being impatient doesn't work at all and motivates him to move on with separation faster. Not pursuing and not being impatient makes him slowing down moving on with separation, but also seems to make slowly moving on with separation even easier for him - no resistance from my side any more. I do not know how to join these effects of 180/LRT.
Not pursuing and not being impatient makes him slowing down moving on with separation, but also seems to make slowly moving on with separation even easier for him - no resistance from my side any more.
G,
If he wants to go you have let him go. All you can do is show him the best you possible.
Someone who loves themselves values themselves. A person who does is not going to chase someone who is online dating when their married.
He has to want to choose you. That is the only way it works out long-term. The only way!
At one time i really wanted to reconcile with my ex as well. No judgement here. But now with distance, i see things differently. Kind of like, what advice would you give your sister or daughter if she was in the same situation as you are in now?
Basically the only way at this point for reconciliation to occur is if your husband wants it. And he has to really really want it for it to really work.
Blu waves writes about how she did everything wrong, did not follow the techniques correctly but eventually reconciliation happened. But her ex came back begging, and willing to do anything to make it work. He came back once he realized OW was a pos and blu wave had moved on. This takes a while.
I think if they dont really want it badly enough they will eventually leave again and you will be walking on eggshells the entire time . See psychsaras posts (shes db'd perfectly)
So what can you do? Honestly. Your only chance is to do nothing.
If you change to cater to him, he will make the excuse that he is angrier because you should have done that before.
Your only chance at this point is to build your life like you would if you knew there was no chance at reconciliation. Do what will be best for you. Exercise, GAL, enjoy your kids. Protect yourself financially. Dont address or initiate any relationship talks. If he wants to, he will.
A lot of these guys are the grass is greener type or i dont want to be part of a party that will have me type. Once they see that you have moved on, then they might come back.
If you havent moved on i think there is no chance.
So the advice is the same. Just worry about you right now. Put him out of the equation. Thats the only real chance you have of him wanting to come back.
You need to be in a place where you are emotionally and mentally in a place to determine what type of relationship you want. Not in a position of weakness (where most of us are acute BD)
