Should my post be moved to newcomers? I am not a repeat poster. What information would be helpful/best to share from what I already shared? Thank you. Me: 42, WAW: 37, D:10, S:7, S:3, D:1. M:9/2014, S: 8/16-11/16, 8/17-Present.
You can post anywhere on the forums. If you think you would feel more comfortable in Newcomers, you can post there. Sandi is excellent over on Newcomers and has a great insight into walkaways.
When you state that you are separated, are you living in the inlaws home or are you living elsewhere or you and your w have separate bedrooms?
Did something happen 18-24 months before she "dim" on you? Does she work or a stay at home mom? Could it be that the living arrangements are not helping? Maybe she feels trapped living under the same roof w/her parents. Has she said anything about needing a change? Living w/the parents and having children as well as step children can be wearing, especially if she has no other interests.
The little bit of info that you gave us is a step in the right direction. What do you do in the way of hobbies/interests? I suggest that you take a walk around the forum and read some of the other postings and you'll get a much better feel of what you may wish to post about your situation.
One thing that you need to do is keep the focus on you and your children. Give her plenty of space and time to think about things. One thing...when she appears interested in having conversations w/you, listen to what she's saying, validate and affirm her discussions and don't appear too eager to keep the dialogue going. If she is depressed, then it's an effort to just get up and get through the day for her. Be sure to acknowledge when she has done something for you or the kids that she hasn't been doing. Complimenting and acknowledging what she's done will go a long way.
Bottom line, you need to keep the focus on you and your children. Right now, they need you more than ever before because their mother is off in her own little world and if she can't help herself, she surely can't help them. Just remember, you didn't break her, therefore you can't fix her...she has to do that on her own time clock, which is very slow.
Thank you for the guidance. This forum works for me and you have given me hope. I actively look at the other posts to try to see if there similarities and strategies I can glean from.
Our separation is as follows. In state #1, my WAW owns the house with our two youngest kids. In laws live the house with her. I live in the house when I am in state #1, but she has limited the time I stay there for about a week or so per month with separation. In state #2, I own a house and spend about 10 days per month with my 2 eldest kids from previous marriage. Recently she came out with the two youngest for weekend and she will come out again in a few months. Most of the time, all kids are not in the same house. When we are both in same house, we stay in separate bedrooms. All in all the time apart before separation did not help us, as whenever I travel for work, I was not in state #1, which impacted her. I am willing to change my custody agreement with Ex to spend more time with WAW and kids, but will not offer that till she wants to reconcile. WAW works part time.
We met through work and travelled together often. Work hard and play hard. Now with a family and things slowed down, connections definitely went away. I am certainly at fault for my part in this and not connecting well with her family - but the connection piece is very good now. I think parents know she is making a mistake but dont want to approach her on the subject. I think a lot changed in her life with kids that she is depressed, but she wont admit it and appears happy with her family. Honestly, I feel she questions why she needs to be with me, when she has support she needs at her home.
When I am in state 1, I do as much as I can to help with kids. I watch them in the afternoons and weekends, I cook dinner, clean, etc.
I like to run and bike and travel. So I try to stay busy and give her space. NO nagging or anything.
I hope the additional information on my situation helped. I am away from state #1 and now WAW is not returning calls or answering when I call to talk to the kid last each day. Any advise on next steps? This is unusual as she has in the past.
You said that your family lives with her parents. Why not call them to check on the child if she's not answering your calls?
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thank you for the advice. When I texted her saying I was planning to call, she claimed she did not get my calls, but not she is answering. So thanks for the advice. Does it makes sense to talk with her parents and tell them my concerns about her? She has told me that she wants to divorce but feels that she will regret the decision. I think her parents know she is but are too frightened to get her upset. I think she could use some counseling.
Hi black5, I'm sorry for the situation you are in - it's tough - and it does get better in time, plenty of time.
I would step back from involving her parents and suggesting counselling for her. Though if you feel you would benefit from counselling - as many of us here have - go for it.
It is tempting to feel that 'we know best' for our MLCer, but they are grown ups and it's important to let them take their own journey. Your journey is the most important one here.
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Thank you, Soto. It is hard to stay patient after reaching month 7 of separation. I don’t think she will file. What she will try to do is test me to the point that I file, but I won’t. What makes no sense to me is that she wants divorce so early in our marriage and with a 1 and 4 year old. Vexing to me.
