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Coconut #2778223 02/08/18 06:46 PM
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focus22 Offline OP
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Yup, it's my choice.

It feels strange, like a reminder of a previous life cutting through into my life now.

Maybe that's what WW's and WAS's feel too? They're so into their new life that it's really uncomfortable when there's some sort of reminder of their past life? Then multiply that feeling a good few times for the guilt and shame and the deep down feeling that they've behaved so badly to their S's. But who knows...maybe they don't feel any guilt or shame?

Strong? I don't feel like I have a choice. I'm self employed and the first year after he had left I made a big loss. I'm still trying to recover from that and rebuild my business. And not only, but go further with it as well, and make it stronger and more substantial. Hence me signing up for this latest business thing...

I remember that 10 days after he had left, in October 2015, I was at a business thing, all set to go, just waiting for the time it officially started, and with 20 minutes to go he texted me to say he thought we should separate. I kid you not...15 years of marriage and I get a text! Anyway, I spent half the business thing in a state of shock, just starting into space. I practically hadn't eaten for almost two weeks (I was maybe managing a couple of hundred calories a day) and hadn't slept for more than four hours a night. I had paid for this business thing, and I ended up not being able to take advantage of it as I should have been able to, and probably lost money from it too (I'm just working on some business stats to work out how much).

So I don't want that to happen again, any of it. So it feels like being strong is my only option.


Me: 48, XH: 42
T: 18 years, M: 15 years

EA/PA 1: 6/2012
EA/PA 2: from autumn 2012-present

BD: 5/2013
ILYBNILWY BD & left: 10/2015

OW conceived: 8/2016
Born: 4/2017

H filed: 7/2017
D final: 28/12/2017
focus22 #2779054 02/18/18 08:49 PM
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focus22 Offline OP
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I'm learning lots of things about myself being close to this wonderful man.

* I'm learning just how very hard I have been/am on myself.
* I'm learning how much extraneous 'chat' there is going on inside my head (the kind that is taking away from your focus and therefore also consuming your time and energy).
* I am learning just how much of this 'chat' has been negative.
* I am learning that I have not been my own best friend in the past.
* I'm learning how important it is to let people in.
* I'm learning how important it is just to let things be as they are and not try to make them perfect.
* I'm learning how important it is to be open and willing (and not defensive and closed).
* I am learning that I don't have to always carry the whole burden.
* I am learning what companionship actually feels like.

I could just cry with sheer relief at all of this.

I think I've learned to be that way as I've never really felt safe in my life. Which ultimately really means I've never felt really safe in myself.

The last one, the companionship one, last night really brought that one home: we did some household chores together.

That never, ever happened when I was M. I asked my XH to help me, many, many times over the years. He maybe did some superficial helping occasionally, but that's all. And we certainly never did any together, at the same time.

Last night felt companionable. I didn't have to suggest or ask, he just started sorting some things. He wasn't trying to impress me, or to be his best self for me, he was just doing what needed to be done. I joined in without thinking, it just felt like the most normal thing to do.

We sat down and started playing Scrabble. And then it dawned on me, about the companionship thing.

Looking back (almost 20 years now...blimey!), my R with my XH was much more flashy. There was lots and lots of going out, parties, dinners, drinks, late nights out. Initially, a lot of it was together. I guess we were both young, in our 20s. And also after a few years of being together, XH started to become very successful at his job, and then very well known after that. So there was a very outward facing, public element to our R. And it maybe masked a slightly superficial element in our R, and a lack of intimacy.

Some of it was certainly to do with being young(er). But I think some of it was to do with XH's inability to talk about certain things (his feelings mainly). We also didn't really talk about what we wanted from life in general before we got married.

A recipe for disaster really, thinking back. We might just have been really lucky and wanted the same things. But what are the chances of that really?

This R feels very different. It feels very, very private, and also much, much more intimate. Much more quiet and peaceful as well. Which makes me see very clearly just how much drama there was in my M. Our time together now is spent going on walks, climbing, on new experiences for both of us. And then there is an occasional night out for drinks, or even more occasionally dinner.

He doesn't get drunk. He maybe gets a little tipsy, and just once or twice a year, but certainly not the fall down drunk, or do stupid /risky/dangerous things drunk that my XH used to, **a lot** of the time (talking multiple times a week, if he was going through one of his heavy drinking phases).

We can share a drink together in a pub and leave together after one or two at the most, or maybe have a glass of wine over dinner, and that's it.

I've never had that experience before, and I can't being to describe how just plain lovely it feels. My XH used to come to bed at the same time as me not really very often at all. I'd say most of the time he was up very late into the night, watching TV and quite probably drinking as well, or he'd be out very late into the night (or early morning). I used to ask him often to come to bed at the same time as me, not all the time but just occasionally, just so we could be cosy and chat and fall asleep together. He never really did. I often woke up in the middle of the night, in bed alone. God, it was a lonely life.

How much must I have been wound up by all of the drama and 'excitement' in my M? I was feeling the difference after only 2 weeks that he had left. So how much more of a difference am I feeling now? I realise by being close to this wonderful man that I still have a good long way to go, in unwinding further from the drama of it all.

I got bored of waiting for XH to updated his relationship status on FB. He still had that he was M to me.

So I went a little against the grain of the philosophy that I've had for the past few years, of doing nothing to sort stuff like that out. I felt that my feelings of being with this wonderful man, and his feelings of being with me, deserved a little something...a little respect if you like. So right before Valentine's Day I updated my status to 'In a R with...' and added a couple of funny pictures of us, on a rare night out at the pub together.


Me: 48, XH: 42
T: 18 years, M: 15 years

EA/PA 1: 6/2012
EA/PA 2: from autumn 2012-present

BD: 5/2013
ILYBNILWY BD & left: 10/2015

OW conceived: 8/2016
Born: 4/2017

H filed: 7/2017
D final: 28/12/2017
focus22 #2779875 02/25/18 10:14 PM
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focus22 Offline OP
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My big business event is done. It feels like it went very well and was very positive.

My mum came to help me, so I told her about the D and about paying off my mortgage. I wanted to tell her in person, rather than over the phone/email.

Things I learnt from my business event: just how much of my self talk is negative, especially when I'm stressed and/or tired. I caught myself in the negative self talk **a lot**, especially as it got nearer to the date of the event.

I guess that's a good thing...you can't make changes unless you notice what needs to be changed, right?

Also, I've always been very guarded as to how I present myself to the outside world. I'm an introvert, and one that is not particularly trusting. I've been reading a book that a friend gave me, 'Introverts at Work', which talks about this very thing. One of the things it suggests is giving a little more of yourself to the outside world (friends, family, business). So I tried it, in a very small way, and my heavens above...it's felt amazing, and it's worked wonders. I've felt very embraced, supported and welcomed.

I guess it's good to be able to feel someone's essence and their presence, right? You want to feel there's something solid and strong in them. That then allows you to decide if you like them/that feeling, and means you can get close to them too (if you want to) because there's something to get close **to**.

On another subject, I've noticed that my XMIL in on FB **a lot**. She's always there, in the chat icon thing. She was never much of a going online type before. Who knows what's going on in her mind?

That's all my news anyway for now.


Me: 48, XH: 42
T: 18 years, M: 15 years

EA/PA 1: 6/2012
EA/PA 2: from autumn 2012-present

BD: 5/2013
ILYBNILWY BD & left: 10/2015

OW conceived: 8/2016
Born: 4/2017

H filed: 7/2017
D final: 28/12/2017
focus22 #2780001 02/27/18 12:55 AM
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focus22 Offline OP
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Well, in my new R, I've now done many things that I never did before, mainly to do with finding/initiating/planning things for us to do together.

One is coming up this weekend. We're going to stay at a very posh hotel on Saturday evening, and have dinner there together. I found it, booked it and paid for it. I've never done anything like that before, or even close to anything like that.

It's also a surprise. He knows we're going somewhere, but not where. And I've given him an idea of the kinds of clothes he should bring with him, but he doesn't know exactly what we'll be doing.

I'm going to wear the very beautiful sequin dress that he bought me for Christmas that I've not worn yet, and the bracelet he bought me for my birthday that I've worn every day.

Last weekend we were both doing our won thing, I was at a very full on and exhausting work thing all weekend, and he was doing some climbing, so it will be lovely to spend some time together again.

I know that I am very much in love with him, and that the feeling is mutual. It's been over a year now. It seems like no time at all, but it also feels like much longer. It must be to do with the emotional journey that we take?

I feel like I can completely trust him, as he's been utterly consistent at every single point in that year and a bit. He's incredibly thoughtful and kind and generous with his affection (he's like that with his kids as well), and he's very passionate too. He's also an introvert like me, and very shy and private with regards what the outside world sees.

And he feels like a companion to me, in the truest sense of the word. Someone that can share the burdens of life with me, practically and emotionally. I didn't have that feeling in my M. It felt like I was carrying all the practical burdens of our life. I guess it felt like I was carrying a lot of the emotional burden too. Things were fine when I had the energy to support my XH, but when **I** really needed his help and support he started behaving like a spoilt child who wasn't getting his way.

Obviously there's more to it than just that, but what would be the point of rehashing things and going over things?

I feel different, like a different person now. I do occasionally feel angry about what happened and the way I was treated. And if I think about it, I do feel confused...did that person not promise to be by my side when they married me? So why not honour that? Perhaps we didn't talk enough about what being M would actually mean? Thinking back, we didn't really talk about it at all. So perhaps we had different expectations?

I was the same age that OW is now. And I read an interview with her last night, where she mentioned 'her partner' and talked about the work they'd be doing together. It did make me chuckle a bit. She must think she's so mature and grown up.

I'll just leave her to it. I know that I deserve a different sort of R. One that isn't undermined by alcohol and OW (plural).


Me: 48, XH: 42
T: 18 years, M: 15 years

EA/PA 1: 6/2012
EA/PA 2: from autumn 2012-present

BD: 5/2013
ILYBNILWY BD & left: 10/2015

OW conceived: 8/2016
Born: 4/2017

H filed: 7/2017
D final: 28/12/2017
focus22 #2780024 02/27/18 03:51 AM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 8,855
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Yes, you do.......

And brave heart, you are there in many ways.

Just keep up the self care, it's lovely to read you indulging in the waters of joyous living.

Soon that old R will just be a bad and fading dream hidden by the moonlight glow of new and stronger R. Good for you focus, believe you deserve this because you do.

You will be pleased to hear that I am taking my own best advice and relaxing with a friend at a spa, her treat for me to pamper. In 10 minutes I have a full body massage booked.

I haven't forgotten the cooperation I promised on self care. I am currently researching the brain and it's interaction with the body. The Buddha's golden path is tonight's reading and it's glorious in its simplicity, challenging to lift the spirit.

Rest well and enjoy your peace.

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


Vanilla #2780028 02/27/18 04:06 AM
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focus22 Offline OP
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Lady V ❤ ❤ ❤


Me: 48, XH: 42
T: 18 years, M: 15 years

EA/PA 1: 6/2012
EA/PA 2: from autumn 2012-present

BD: 5/2013
ILYBNILWY BD & left: 10/2015

OW conceived: 8/2016
Born: 4/2017

H filed: 7/2017
D final: 28/12/2017
focus22 #2780029 02/27/18 04:07 AM
Joined: Oct 2015
Posts: 805
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focus22 Offline OP
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Ah, my little hearts didn't come over in the post. That's what they were. Sending you love and peace.


Me: 48, XH: 42
T: 18 years, M: 15 years

EA/PA 1: 6/2012
EA/PA 2: from autumn 2012-present

BD: 5/2013
ILYBNILWY BD & left: 10/2015

OW conceived: 8/2016
Born: 4/2017

H filed: 7/2017
D final: 28/12/2017
focus22 #2780169 02/28/18 05:16 AM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 8,855
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Posts: 8,855
wink cool whistle laugh

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


Vanilla #2780678 03/05/18 08:04 PM
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focus22 Offline OP
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So, one of my zero hours managers/employers has decided that I'm leaving. Fair enough, whatever.

I know I'm owed some holiday pay (4.94 hours of it). I've emailed asking about it. No answer.

This is the same manager who let a sexual predator work in the team for **years** Until I started working there wink And even when I alerted them t what he did to me, they did nothing. And even when someone else made an official complaint, they did nothing.

Anyway, fast forward two years, a **lot** of talking through things with the staff on my part, letting them speak about their experiences, and the whole thing ended up in court (and in the national and regional news).

The sentencing was 6 weeks before the 11 October.

And now, I'm having to email them and ask about holiday pay. I don't feel like I have the energy to pursue this.


Me: 48, XH: 42
T: 18 years, M: 15 years

EA/PA 1: 6/2012
EA/PA 2: from autumn 2012-present

BD: 5/2013
ILYBNILWY BD & left: 10/2015

OW conceived: 8/2016
Born: 4/2017

H filed: 7/2017
D final: 28/12/2017
focus22 #2780715 03/06/18 03:44 AM
Joined: Jun 2017
Posts: 826
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Focus, are you being fired for outing this predator?

Just remember, the HR/personnel department at work is not there to serve the interests of the employees. They're there to protect the company.


Me-47,XW-43
S13,S16
M:18
BD:4-23-17
W filed:7-17-17
(5 months of in-house separation hell)
W moved out:1-6-18
D granted:2-15-18
Decree signed:3-29-18

Your future is out there. Go find it.
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