The timeshare was H's decision. I didn't want it but he seemed so excited and I felt it was emasculating him to keep telling him no all the time.
He readily admits it was his call as were the house improvements. He doesn't blame me for those.
To be frank - I know in my heart that if I hadn't dropped the ball in paying my husband attention things like house, the finances, the commute would be the extreme issues they are. My husband always felt rewarded and appreciated so he gladly did those things.
I know he feels strongly that he told me these things. He was voicing his concerns. He asked 3yr ago to go MC. I didn't think he was serious. I didn't see the issue. I wasn't hearing his unhappiness. THAT - is my fault.
We are not fin destitute. We are in good shape actually. His complaint right now is high mortgage payment. We have high property taxes but I refinanced to pay off in just 12more years so he could retire and we would have no mortgage. He wants to refi and lower our monthly payment but we would just end up paying more interest, but I see his point.
Part of me drags my feet with the fins now because it seems as soon as the two bills he wants to pay for are gone he is out of the picture and moving on. That is something he knows I do not want so I'm not motivated to meet his financial goals because it means the end is in sight.
So I got up and semi-dressed. Ran around the house getting some cooking going, cleaning the kitchen and laundry in just a t-shirt and sexy undies.
Yup - he tried NOT to notice but eventually came flirting. It didn't lead to anything but it was nice to have his attention.
Eventually got dressed. Look nice. Hair, make-up, jewelry and perfume. Told him I had to stop by the office to take care of couple of patients that wouldn't take long and then I was going for a drive.
He asked where. I said I didn't know. Just wanted to get out. I did not invite him. He asked again where I was going and had a real puzzled look. I said I needed to get out for a bit.
In my head that I did not say to him is 1) I'm not comfortable telling you right now where I am going because I don't want to be judged and 2) He needs down time to relax and I don't want to seem like I'm hovering because I will. I will bake cupcakes or something and offer them to him, etc. I just want him to focus on himself.
He then said "remember driving around costs gas". I said okay. I'm not getting baited into argument. He runs errands all the time in a truck that gets 12mi/gal and doesn't ever tell me he isn't going to do something cause it cost too much gas. I let it go - its not going to be a dig that I will respond to today. :-)
I'm trying to think and remain positive but I know I am only getting breadcrumbs and I am reading too much into them. :-(
My husband isn't cheating that doesn't mean he hasn't thought about it. That I do know because he has told me he has considered it. He even went to say he thought about sleeping with someone else just to hurt me but he hasn't. With everything else he has been honest with I can't see him lying about whether he is cheating or not.
Considering he has a history of cheating, he could be gaslighting you here... He seems manipulative enough to do this...
As far as not sticking you with bills, if he gets the motorcycle or truck, and still divorces you, how do you know you won't be expected to pay half the debt?
Be super aware of what can happen here. I know you think you know his character, and what he is not capable of, but I think you are seeing him through rose-colored glasses... Walkaways and waywards often resort to behaviors the LBS could never fathom... You are too hard on yourself and not hard enough on him...
I understand the concern about being stuck with "bills" but frankly he hasn't already left because he wants to be certain that financially I will be okay. Right now its the only reason he is still in house - that he tells me.
Again, today he says he is stressed about finances. We are okay. Push comes to shove and we have a emergency fund of $12k. That would take care of the timeshare if we were desperate. We are not. This sudden shift does scare me. It must be because in his head he has and end date in mind when he is out the door and wants funds to be able to do so? That has to be it.
Anyway I went to work and then my drive. I get a text. Why was the NRA website pulled up on my computer? Hmmm... hadn't know I left it up and was he checking up on me?
He couldn't give me 5min to answer my text... he was calling me. Both behaviors are not like him.
Long story short my H is an avid outsdoorsman with a variety of firearms. I never know what he is talking about and I've never fired a weapon. I was searching to find local place that would teach me to shoot if I didn't own my own handgun. This was my 180... now busted.
As I am explaining this to H he simply said he doesn't own a handgun which I told him I already knew that. H then said why didn't I just ask him to teach me? H said I have never shown interest before which I acknowledged. H said come home and we will talk about it. I said I still had things I needed to do before coming home.
I had plans to stop by a certain store that I did not want my husband to know I was going. I didn't want him to think I was trying to score brownie points with him. It was truly for me which is why I kept it secret. I had my alone time in the store and then ran another errand.
Came home H asked about why I wanted to learn to handle a firearm. I stated I'm always clueless when he rambles about this and that and I have never even picked up a gun. I said I never asked before because I thought he would say no or wouldn't have the patience with me. H seems like he is okay with it but then goes "its expensive" again to fire bullets... they cost money.
In my head I'm like here is an activity we can do together to rebuild something but I don't say that. Instead I just let him know if he can't then he can't and let it go. I will see if he brings it up again.
He was totally annoyed I went to his favorite store without him but I reminded him that he has never taken me there and I thought I should go for myself. He said he would have gone.
I know and H knows I want things fixed. I lack patience. I feel if we have a good weekend that should be the end of it but I know in my heart of hearts it is not and he is still planning his escape... "new me" or not.
That is why you need to approach the new you for YOU... not him... If things turn out where he stays and you get to piecing, that would be cherry...
You are still explaining too much to him. He's made it clear that he doesn't want to be married to you... You let him manipulate you... I wonder if there is a NO MORE MISSES NICE GAL book...
I mean sometimes I'm just in another room for an hour while he sites in the bedroom gaming on his laptop watching a tv show he has seen before. I happen to come into the bedroom - he looks at me and says "what have you been doing?"
I tell him I'm going to work for a few and then for a drive - "where?"... He calls "what are you doing?"
What should I say? The man thought at one point I was sleeping around. Uh, never. But if he point blank asks what do I tell him that won't make him angry and pushing him farther away?
My H has "firearms"... lol he does not have guns. I write it like that because I can actually H say that. My husband may have a temper and may raise his voice but he has never tried to hurt me and wouldn't. In all reality since all this happened my husband has been more calm, I've been more calm. He used to get fired up and call names but that has long since stopped. We have learned to disagree and be frustrated without going down that route. Honestly, its much nicer there than it has been in some time.
I am not afraid of my safety - H has never given any reason that I should.
Hello KitCat, I'm going to apologize in advance if this seems harsh but I think you need some 2x4's:
Originally Posted By: KitCat
He wants out - he wants to be alone. He knows I want him home. He says he keeps trying to tell me and he doesn't know what else to say.
Have you read DR? Because what I'm reading in your thread is a whole lot of pursuit behavior and almost zero DB'ing! You have got to back off and leave him alone.
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In the last 2 months I've tried to get him to go to the Harley dealership with me.
Stop this kind of stuff. You CANNOT buy him back into the M. He will of course happily go and write a check that puts you both on the hook financially, but then he will still leave. ALL big financial decisions have to stop for a while. He may leave at any time and drastically change your financial situation.
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He says he still can't have a garden currently. And, I agreed. Not at this house I said but that can change.
Again, you can't buy him back into the M. No more of this talk. He has got to learn to miss you before he'll think about coming back, and right now you are making yourself Plan B and he knows it. He will never learn to miss you as long as you are Plan B.
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I can hear he is on the phone... getting prequalified for a mortgage.
My heart sinks.
I try to remind myself he hasn't left yet.
He's already checked out. He may be there physically, but mentally he's done already. I'm sorry you're going through this but you need to accept this so you can go about embracing DB'ing and moving forward with your life.
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I know now my husband needs the truck. He would get into too much trouble with the Challenger. We both liked the same truck the best!
Ask yourself this- if you knew 100% that we would be gone within a month, would you be shopping for cars and motorcycles with him and telling him to buy one? I would hope not. That's the way you've got to start thinking. You're trying to "gift" him back but like I said above, that never, ever works.
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We talk some and he simply asks so new motorcycle and truck? I said well maybe not at the same time but why not? My husband works hard and deserves some nice toys!
{slaps forehead}
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So he said I wouldn't put his name across my breasts? I said if it was that important to you I'd consider it.
I've been on these forums quite a while and yours is the worst case of "denial" I think I've ever seen. Please understand your H is two feet out the door and will likely be gone soon. ALL of this behavior of yours is 100% pursuit and absolutely the wrong thing to do. Do you really want to be a year down the road with a huge tatt of your EX HUSBAND'S name emblazoned across your breasts? Do you know how many women have done that because "I thought it would show him my commitment and bring him back" and instead they just have an ex out there somewhere laughing it up with his buddies over how he "branded" his ex before dumping her for good?
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I wonder if the tattoo question was just to see if I would do anything he asked? Like I'm trying so hard to win him over I don't have a backbone?
That's definitely how he sees it.
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I think deep in my heart he is throwing me breadcrumbs and I'm trying to make a cake out of it.
I don't have DR book yet. It has to come snail mail... :-( but I've read tons of other books in the last 2 months.
How do I handle - "what are you doing?" when he asks? I don't want to be rude.
AND - when I'm gone he texts. This last time he couldn't even give me a moment to respond before he was calling and asking "X" that he just texted.
Oh - and I wouldn't get my husbands name tattoed. The only reason I commented about if it was really important because I have learned in my marriage that he was hurt that I did not take his name. His final comment on the tattoo thing was he didn't like his last name and he was thinking of changing it... WHAT??? I didn't pursue.
I know I'm in denial but I'm trying to keep PMA.
I also think he is very accommodating and trying to be involved so that we split amicably or somehow it washes away his guilt???
When I was around this weekend I did notice he was on his phone A LOT LESS!!!! than he has been. Its like he has been glued to it 24/7 but I didn't get that this weekend.
However, he is back to work and reminded what he doesn't like about life with me. No texts last night or this am. I haven't texted.
I know I have to step away to pull him back to him but the minute he starts to show interest - I'm right there... How do you handle a husband that wants to know what you are doing???
