Well - time for yet another new thread. I'm not sure if this will be my last or not but since it may, I thought I'd list out my prior threads from the last 2 years in this place. My journey from tragedy to hope through despair and finally towards acceptance and healing is probably nearly done. Or at least as done as it is likely to ever be.
All of my journey is essentially summarized in the few brief lines of my signature block.
I am grateful for the support of so many of you that have traveled alongside me, guided me, and just gave me that affirmation that I have value as a human being in and of myself and not dependent on my ex-wife or any others.
For those adventurous souls who may care, here is the massive list of 17 prior threads. Most of what is in there is drama and angst, hopes and dreams along with a certain amount of silliness and a very nice recipe for Chicken Marsala.
Job - could I trouble you to link my last thread to this one? I see that you've locked it.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Hi Andrew. I hope this isn't your Swan Song thread. You were missed during your vacation. You would be missed even more on a permanent hiatus, but I think I understand where you're coming from. Sometimes I think the same thing - time to just go out and live. Anyway, just wanted to check in and say that xoxoxo
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
Just caught up on your holiday adventure. First, welcome back, I have missed you. I hope you feel better soon and wish you a speedy return to good health.
Well done on taking the solo trip step; sounds like you chose the nostalgic location a bit to soon, but you dealt with your ghosts beautifully, understood them and allowed yourself to feel them. To me it sounds like your trip has given you some new memories and whilst some of them were not gooey fluffy ones, one day you look back on it and smile at how far you have come since your first solo trip away, it is the start of the next chapter of your life story, so well done for being brave and taking it.
Many people would have remained in solitude, read a book by the pool or sat on the balcony of their room, but you, no, you got out there, experienced the atmosphere, met new people and saw beautiful places. I am so proud of you and I hope that I too can follow in your example - as you know my own adventure is coming up soon.
I catch up reading everyone's posts frequently but I don't write as often as I should. I hope you continue to drop by occasionally to give an update of how you are doing, we have become a family of sorts so its nice to know your ok and learn of any developments in your life. I certainly will miss your insights, advice and friendship, I value it very much. I completely understand where your coming from re leaving here; once the main drama with our MLC'er is over, the rawness of the pain has subsided and the lessons of how to be a independent person again have been learnt, its time to just get on with life.
Well, this was meant as just a hello and welcome back, but a tinge of sadness crept in when I read your opening post so ended up writing more .....
So will end this by saying, you inspire and encourage me AndrewP: to be confident that I can do more, be more and am more.
bttrfly / LouR - Thank you both so much for your kind words. I really do think that this may end up being my last thread. A dear friend of mine told me some time ago that you'll know that you've moved on when you are defined by what is before you rather than what is behind you. I think that this is very true.
But - I'm not quite there yet. exquisitetobe's post a day or so ago got me thinking and I went for a walk in the woods for a few hours today and thought some more.
What I read in her post were some very insightful thoughts on the dynamics of her former marriage, where she made changes and where her husband, now ex was unable to adapt.
I like to think that I'm a pretty easy-going guy. Always have been, always will be. A good example of this I think was yesterday. I was buying my usual roses and the lady at the shop (who I'm still rather sweet on) told me that the red roses that I usually buy weren't of very good quality that I should buy others. I protested that I wanted red roses but she went in to the cooler and pulled out some lovely multi-coloured roses and sold those to me. There have been a few other cases where she has had a firm view on things and essentially just told me what was going to happen. And I'm fine with that. I'm not a weak person, I just pick which things matter and let everything else slide. It usually works out because people with decisive views are often right.
Was that a good thing in my nearly 3 decade marriage? I like to think so. With all the events of the past month I have been drawn back in to thinking about my ex and her welfare and future more than perhaps I should. She walked away from a devoted, doting husband, her home, a planned comfortable future, and largely her children. For what? As far as I know she still lives in an apartment over the liquor store she manages. The last 2 Christmases she spent apart from her children. If my sources are accurate she spent Valentines with a friend and not with her guy. She hasn't even seen her daughter since 2015.
Now that the divorce is a done deal I was cleaning up old files and correspondence. In the last "relationship" message I sent her, I ended with "you underestimate my capacity for forgiveness". When she lost her parents recently I signed the messages I sent her with "Love Andrew". Job mentioned to me recently that I had done all that I could to pave the way home for her. But she never set her foot on that path.
I know very little about her life right now. Her guy is a fair bit older than us - well into senior years as are his friends. Rather different from the younger people she was surrounding herself with when all this nonsense started. Like exquisitetobe's ex, the little that I've seen about my ex shows that she is filled with anger. I would even call it rage. Part of me is glad that I am outside of that world. The rest is sad that I can't help her.
I've been wondering a lot lately if she has regrets. I really don't know the answer to that.
I need to completely let her go from my heart and my mind but it's not easy. Now that her parents have passed on and the divorce is done the only other interaction in the near term will be in the spring when I'll probably have to set a deadline for her to come back to the house to get any plants from the garden she wants.
I've also been thinking about whether I do want someone in my life in a romantic way. I'd set myself a target of late March to start dating. Perhaps ask out the lady from the flower shop again, or the cute teller from the bank. One huge difference from 30 years ago was that I "needed" someone. Now I don't. I'd probably be fine being a perpetual bachelor but that life would be less rich than if I had a partner. My next door neighbour (like quite a few people) was surprised when I answered that I went alone when she asked me who I traveled to the tropics with. I joked that I couldn't find anyone to take and she looked at me and said very clearly that perhaps I wasn't looking in the right places
Ah well - enough rambling nonsense for now. I have a small pork loin roast in cooking for our dinner. S23 said that he would check to see if the spicing needs to be adjusted. I walked about 12 km today through the woods which was good for me in all sorts of ways. My work clothes have just finished in the washing machine so I can get my ironing done.
Life is good.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Andrew, I understand your feelings that this may be your final thread. I have conversed with you for only a little while and know you are a caring and compassionate person. Your wisdom and advice has helped me (and I am sure a great many others) and I have taken it to heart.
I intend to follow your story for as long as you continue to post (curious - cute bank teller or flower lady).
The next chapter of your life is starting and I do wish you the very best.
Please know, you are a great person.
Also, I don’t think either of us will ever get milk or egg deliveries again.
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
You came here to try to save your marriage, but it was not to be...you learned how to detach and live your life...while your w continued to search for whatever it is that she thinks she lost so long ago. You are an inspiration to all who come to read your postings. You've shown readers that you can live a life, a life full of galling and adventures and still leave the door open.
Now, it's time for you to set yourself free, to write the next chapter of your life because you have so much to offer and a whole lot of living to do. If you wish to post your chapters here, we will be more than happy to follow along and provide encouragement for those times when you are down and to cheer you on when things are doing great. Whatever you decide to do, please know that you are family and the door is always open for that warm welcome that will await you.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Andrew - I enjoy reading your updates. We are all at different stages of this process. I happen to be in a very messy, ugly part at this moment. I find it helpful to read the updates of those who are ahead of me on this road. You, Sotto, Peace, Exquisite and so many others show me that I will survive this mess.
Your posts have a calm and a peace about them. I hope to live that again way very soon.
Whatever you decide to do, thank you for all the great advice you have given me and others.
P.S. What is on the menu over there?
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
I know exactly what you mean when you say your XW has not set even a foot on the path that you laid before her. My H hasn't even glanced over at my path!
It seems like XW has a very strange set up with OM especially if she didn't spend Valentine's Day with him at this early stage in their relationship! Certainly doesn't sound promising to me!
If you decide this is your last thread, maybe you can be like the Wandering Poster that was Geoff and visit everyone else's thread to impart your valuable advice and humour!
Me - 47 H - 45 D-16 M - 6 years Separated - May 16
Don't leave me behind can't you see me I'm shining... (Years & Years - 'Shine')
