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Well - time for yet another new thread. I'm not sure if this will be my last or not but since it may, I thought I'd list out my prior threads from the last 2 years in this place. My journey from tragedy to hope through despair and finally towards acceptance and healing is probably nearly done. Or at least as done as it is likely to ever be.

All of my journey is essentially summarized in the few brief lines of my signature block.

I am grateful for the support of so many of you that have traveled alongside me, guided me, and just gave me that affirmation that I have value as a human being in and of myself and not dependent on my ex-wife or any others.

For those adventurous souls who may care, here is the massive list of 17 prior threads. Most of what is in there is drama and angst, hopes and dreams along with a certain amount of silliness and a very nice recipe for Chicken Marsala.

Job - could I trouble you to link my last thread to this one? I see that you've locked it.

Newcomer

Fresh Meat
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2678621&page=1

Twisting in the Wind
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2691981&page=1

Confessions of a failed mind reader
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2696636&page=1

And now we wait
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2699223&page=1

Baking my own cake
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2701127&page=1

MLC Threads
Am I on the wrong bicycle
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2701309&page=1

The phantom Cyclist
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2704064&page=1
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2708284&page=1
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2711943&page=1
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2713880&page=1

Lost in the woods
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2717071&page=1
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2719407&page=1

Cabin in the Woods
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2723724&page=1

Sitting in the cafe in Ravenna
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2727019&page=1

On The Far Shore / Songs and Stories
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2758899&page=1

Songs and Stories From The Far Shore
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2768482&page=1
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2778734&page=1


On BD
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T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
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Linking is complete!


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The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Hi Andrew. I hope this isn't your Swan Song thread. You were missed during your vacation. You would be missed even more on a permanent hiatus, but I think I understand where you're coming from. Sometimes I think the same thing - time to just go out and live. Anyway, just wanted to check in and say that xoxoxo


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
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Hi Andrew,

Just caught up on your holiday adventure. First, welcome back, I have missed you. I hope you feel better soon and wish you a speedy return to good health.

Well done on taking the solo trip step; sounds like you chose the nostalgic location a bit to soon, but you dealt with your ghosts beautifully, understood them and allowed yourself to feel them. To me it sounds like your trip has given you some new memories and whilst some of them were not gooey fluffy ones, one day you look back on it and smile at how far you have come since your first solo trip away, it is the start of the next chapter of your life story, so well done for being brave and taking it.

Many people would have remained in solitude, read a book by the pool or sat on the balcony of their room, but you, no, you got out there, experienced the atmosphere, met new people and saw beautiful places. I am so proud of you and I hope that I too can follow in your example - as you know my own adventure is coming up soon.

I catch up reading everyone's posts frequently but I don't write as often as I should. I hope you continue to drop by occasionally to give an update of how you are doing, we have become a family of sorts so its nice to know your ok and learn of any developments in your life. I certainly will miss your insights, advice and friendship, I value it very much. I completely understand where your coming from re leaving here; once the main drama with our MLC'er is over, the rawness of the pain has subsided and the lessons of how to be a independent person again have been learnt, its time to just get on with life.

Well, this was meant as just a hello and welcome back, but a tinge of sadness crept in when I read your opening post so ended up writing more .....

So will end this by saying, you inspire and encourage me AndrewP: to be confident that I can do more, be more and am more.

Love n Hugs to you xoxo

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bttrfly / LouR - Thank you both so much for your kind words. I really do think that this may end up being my last thread. A dear friend of mine told me some time ago that you'll know that you've moved on when you are defined by what is before you rather than what is behind you. I think that this is very true.

But - I'm not quite there yet. exquisitetobe's post a day or so ago got me thinking and I went for a walk in the woods for a few hours today and thought some more.

What I read in her post were some very insightful thoughts on the dynamics of her former marriage, where she made changes and where her husband, now ex was unable to adapt.

I like to think that I'm a pretty easy-going guy. Always have been, always will be. A good example of this I think was yesterday. I was buying my usual roses and the lady at the shop (who I'm still rather sweet on) told me that the red roses that I usually buy weren't of very good quality that I should buy others. I protested that I wanted red roses but she went in to the cooler and pulled out some lovely multi-coloured roses and sold those to me. There have been a few other cases where she has had a firm view on things and essentially just told me what was going to happen. And I'm fine with that. I'm not a weak person, I just pick which things matter and let everything else slide. It usually works out because people with decisive views are often right.

Was that a good thing in my nearly 3 decade marriage? I like to think so. With all the events of the past month I have been drawn back in to thinking about my ex and her welfare and future more than perhaps I should. She walked away from a devoted, doting husband, her home, a planned comfortable future, and largely her children. For what? As far as I know she still lives in an apartment over the liquor store she manages. The last 2 Christmases she spent apart from her children. If my sources are accurate she spent Valentines with a friend and not with her guy. She hasn't even seen her daughter since 2015.

Now that the divorce is a done deal I was cleaning up old files and correspondence. In the last "relationship" message I sent her, I ended with "you underestimate my capacity for forgiveness". When she lost her parents recently I signed the messages I sent her with "Love Andrew". Job mentioned to me recently that I had done all that I could to pave the way home for her. But she never set her foot on that path.

I know very little about her life right now. Her guy is a fair bit older than us - well into senior years as are his friends. Rather different from the younger people she was surrounding herself with when all this nonsense started. Like exquisitetobe's ex, the little that I've seen about my ex shows that she is filled with anger. I would even call it rage. Part of me is glad that I am outside of that world. The rest is sad that I can't help her.

I've been wondering a lot lately if she has regrets. I really don't know the answer to that.

I need to completely let her go from my heart and my mind but it's not easy. Now that her parents have passed on and the divorce is done the only other interaction in the near term will be in the spring when I'll probably have to set a deadline for her to come back to the house to get any plants from the garden she wants.

I've also been thinking about whether I do want someone in my life in a romantic way. I'd set myself a target of late March to start dating. Perhaps ask out the lady from the flower shop again, or the cute teller from the bank. One huge difference from 30 years ago was that I "needed" someone. Now I don't. I'd probably be fine being a perpetual bachelor but that life would be less rich than if I had a partner. My next door neighbour (like quite a few people) was surprised when I answered that I went alone when she asked me who I traveled to the tropics with. I joked that I couldn't find anyone to take and she looked at me and said very clearly that perhaps I wasn't looking in the right places smile

Ah well - enough rambling nonsense for now. I have a small pork loin roast in cooking for our dinner. S23 said that he would check to see if the spicing needs to be adjusted. I walked about 12 km today through the woods which was good for me in all sorts of ways. My work clothes have just finished in the washing machine so I can get my ironing done.

Life is good.


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
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(((Andrew))) smile

My posting is what i considere to be my truth.. ex-h would have a different version, i' m sure. smile

You are an inspiration to many including me!

I agree with you.. They left for what?

I love hiking! In the spring, we should plan to meet in North Bay and walk the "Duchesnay Falls trail.. smile

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Andrew, I understand your feelings that this may be your final thread. I have conversed with you for only a little while and know you are a caring and compassionate person. Your wisdom and advice has helped me (and I am sure a great many others) and I have taken it to heart.

I intend to follow your story for as long as you continue to post (curious - cute bank teller or flower lady).

The next chapter of your life is starting and I do wish you the very best.

Please know, you are a great person.


Also, I don’t think either of us will ever get milk or egg deliveries again. smile


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Andrew,

You came here to try to save your marriage, but it was not to be...you learned how to detach and live your life...while your w continued to search for whatever it is that she thinks she lost so long ago. You are an inspiration to all who come to read your postings. You've shown readers that you can live a life, a life full of galling and adventures and still leave the door open.

Now, it's time for you to set yourself free, to write the next chapter of your life because you have so much to offer and a whole lot of living to do. If you wish to post your chapters here, we will be more than happy to follow along and provide encouragement for those times when you are down and to cheer you on when things are doing great. Whatever you decide to do, please know that you are family and the door is always open for that warm welcome that will await you.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Andrew - I enjoy reading your updates. We are all at different stages of this process. I happen to be in a very messy, ugly part at this moment. I find it helpful to read the updates of those who are ahead of me on this road. You, Sotto, Peace, Exquisite and so many others show me that I will survive this mess.

Your posts have a calm and a peace about them. I hope to live that again way very soon.

Whatever you decide to do, thank you for all the great advice you have given me and others.

P.S. What is on the menu over there?


Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13
BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself
BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room"
8/15: H back to MBR
10/15: H back in dorm room
1/18: H files, now divorced
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Hey AP, just stopping by with a hug (((AP))).

I know exactly what you mean when you say your XW has not set even a foot on the path that you laid before her. My H hasn't even glanced over at my path!

It seems like XW has a very strange set up with OM especially if she didn't spend Valentine's Day with him at this early stage in their relationship! Certainly doesn't sound promising to me!

If you decide this is your last thread, maybe you can be like the Wandering Poster that was Geoff and visit everyone else's thread to impart your valuable advice and humour!


Me - 47
H - 45
D-16
M - 6 years
Separated - May 16

Don't leave me behind can't you see me I'm shining... (Years & Years - 'Shine')
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Quote:
I know exactly what you mean when you say your XW has not set even a foot on the path that you laid before her. My H hasn't even glanced over at my path!


And the MLC spouse won't either as long as they are still in Replay - at least 2 years from bomb drop and very likely longer. The most likely stage for them to step onto these "return home" paths, if they choose to, is at the end of Replay or even later toward the end of the Withdrawal stage. If you are hopeful for a return, you need to be very patient. It could take 3 years or more from Bomb Drop.

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Thanks everyone.

GalPal - I'm not looking for a "return". And to be frank, I don't really buy into the MLC as a process argument and the different stages any more. Perhaps I'm too jaded but I just consider her to be a very selfish person who made choices that hurt others. She was always selfish and came from a selfish family.

Following the stories here and elsewhere I really don't see evidence to support the diagnosis of MLC. I do see cases where people have regrets and make efforts of various types to make amends but that is also rare I believe. I can perhaps see her having regrets especially since things have not turned out for her in the way she probably imagined, but I don't see her making the effort to sincerely make amends.

Not that it's not possible that MLC is an actual thing as a form of mental illness and has such stages, just that I don't believe in it. Others have different opinions of course.


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
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Gosh Andrew, I completely understand what you are saying. I also have serious doubts about MLC and have for quite awhile. I no longer have any desire or expectations of reconciliation either. The damage done is so catastrophic and so offensive that I simply cannot see myself ever wanting this person back into my life.

My comment on your thread yesterday was only to encourage you and anyone else (If you chose to continue DBing)that if you are DBing, you need to give it much more time to see results.


I wish I could change my thread title because it reflects my thoughts at the beginning of that thread but I've completely changed my mind since then. If you check the thread out you will see that, like you, I am also done:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2771688&page=1

If MLC is real, I don't believe in the least that it is a mental illness. I've read a few articles that describe MLC to a tee but yet the author is not at all talking about MLC. They talk about emotional weakness and serious character flaws that will continue to cause havoc in their lives forever until they commit to seriously working on their immaturity and selfishness.

For what its worth though, there are success stories out there. It's uncanny how similar the behaviors and timelines are. Maybe these people haven't regressed but maybe have just never grown up in the first place. I believe this is the case with my spouse. He just never grew up.

The articles on Limerance are pretty interesting. Limerance isn't MLC but a very powerful attraction to another person. If the attraction is reciprocated and both are in limerance then it's an almost impossible situation to get out of until the limerance is gone which can take as long as 3 years.

Only a person with weak character and very emotionally immature will make no effort to resist the temptation. The mature person with strong character will walk away from this temptation, seeing the dangerous trap and the devastating consequences that will follow. The emotionally weak person sees none of that.

I do accept that a Mid-Life Transition occurs in the majority of us. It's a time of reflection, questioning what hasn't worked in the past and what they want from life in the future, and considering what changes they need to make. If limerance occurs during this same time in a weak and immature person, then the transition derails into what is commonly called MLC. Doesn't mean it exists, but it's convenient to call it something to set it apart from the Transition.

Good luck going forward Andrew. Wish you all the best but I believe you will be better.

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Journaling - nothing much. A lot of lengthy rambling nonsense as usual.

The world has felt very "grey" lately. I've tried to maintain an outwardly cheerful and positive attitude but it's just a veneer. The past month has been tough. The divorce paperwork going through, my ex-inlaws passing and OM taking my place at the funeral, Christmas, battling the Ghosts of the Caribbean, being ill all have taken a toll on me.

I've not felt too much like sharing my story these days either. For a while I was participating in 3 forums regularly. Now it's way down. I feel that there's nothing much to say. I've started posts and then just closed them, even ones on other people's threads. A dear friend of mine told me once that I would know that I've moved on when I start defining myself by what is in front of me rather than by what is behind me. It's taken me some time and effort to post this today. I had been not intending on posting here for another few weeks but "what the heck".

I've had very strong urges to reach out to my ex or to even just drive by her apartment to see if she still lives there or not. I've managed to avoid that. Nothing would be achieved except fresh pain. All remains as quiet from her as back in the days of the Phantom Cyclist. No idea what's going on in her life but I expect that she's not gotten her "happily ever after" from her guy. If it was going to happen, it would have some time ago and I would have heard about it. She cashes to transfer I send her each month is all I know. The only news I get from SIL1 who monitors her Facebook feed is that she goes drinking with some of the few friends left to her and has been tagged on very rare occasions out with OM and his friends where she is by far the youngest (and my SIL mentions fattest) ones present. I presume she is still living in her apartment very likely surrounded by the boxes and boxes of things that were our life here.

It still hurts that she walked away from us all, our life together and the future we had planned for. If I look at it honestly, I still can't see her ever being willing to make the effort necessary for me to trust her again. Speaking honestly though, if she were on my door-step right now asking to come home, I don't know what I'd say / do. I know what the "right" answer is but recently sometimes I feel too weak to stand firm.

I'm pretty sure that she has little or nothing to do with our children. Perhaps she calls them - I don't know. I think she gave S23 a lamp for Christmas which has now disappeared - or at least I didn't see it when I was in his room earlier. The hat she got him from her "romantic vacation" in 2016 is hanging on his mirror. It hurts less to see that than it did before.

As time goes on S23 seems to be getting more cheerful and chatty. We were talking the other day and both agreed that it makes a huge amount of sense for him to stay here. He doesn't pay rent, lives in a large house with a big yard plus the refrigerator which magically fills itself weekly and dishes that do themselves daily. His restaurant job ended with the death of one of the owners but he still has his construction job which pays for delivered pizza and pays down his student loans. I still don't see him much as he keeps weird hours and we don't do things together as we don't have a lot of common interests but he's a generally positive guy it would seem. We do eat dinner together at least once a week and catch up most days when I get home from work.

In about a week I'm off to visit D25 and her H for a couple of days for my 54th birthday. I'm looking forward to it, but not as much as I should be. I'm going to take 2 days to drive down but try to make it back in one. I'll spend one full day and 2 part ones with them. It's about 14 hours of driving including rest-room breaks. If necessary I'll pull over and crash but saving the cost of a night away is a good thing for my bank account. I've ordered a cake from the bake-shop around the corner for S23 to have so that on my birthday when he calls on Skype we'll all have cake. He's quite happy about an entire cake and no-one else he has to share it with especially since the lady who is baking the cake does a suburb job.

I'd set this trip date as a watershed moment to start more actively making changes. Coincidentally it will mark 2 full years since BD. Top of the list is searching for a new job that I will actually like and that hopefully gives me a better quality of life and shorter commute. Also on the list is to start more actively considering dating. I read a lot of stories here and elsewhere where shortly after BD that people have found someone new and formed new, happy lives with them. I know that for me that part of the "grey" in my life is the fact that I don't have anyone to share joys with so I just plod along. Being as the last time I dated was in the prior millennia I am rather out of practice. Add to that the fact that starting on the day that my ex and I met on a blind date that she actively clung to me and didn't let me out of her grip until well after BD when she vanished means that my dating skills are not to be trusted. I also don't trust myself to make the right choices. A lot of the people around me are very surprised that I haven't found anyone. I also feel guilty because I don't want to accept just anyone into my life because they are interested and I'm available. I know of two women who fall into this category. I know that the men are supposed to make the move and be the pursuer but I am hesitant. There are a number of women I know who are potential dates and I maintain a friendly relationship with them but don't cross the line being afraid both of rejection and acceptance. I have a social life that includes members of the opposite sex and despite being an introvert, I'm not shy. Perhaps some woman will get tired waiting for me to ask them and go - "you - me, date Friday". That would make life sooo much easier.

Well - more positive thoughts.

The reason I went into S23's room today was to check the window-sill where there had been what looked like carpenter ants in the fall. Now that it's warmer I was worried that the nest would start up and eat up the east side of the house. The good news is that it was just some rot in the 100+ year old wood which I've cleaned out. When I take the storm windows off I'll need to go over the spot with my router and a chisel and then make a dutchman to fill in the spot.

My finances are slowly getting better, recovering from my legal fees. I got a modest profit-sharing bonus at work and if my math is right I'll get a nice sized tax refund which I'll probably file today. My lawyer still has a fair amount of my money sitting in their retainer and hasn't returned my emails asking if the case is done and if I can get the balance back. I'll wait a bit until I get the final stamped divorce forms and then get more direct with them. The forms I have are just the submission which set the date but the courts have to review the documents to ensure that we were in fact married and are real people I suppose. At that time they mail out the final divorce order.

Over-all my financial position is pretty good all things considered. The after-tax hit for spousal support is pretty close to what I was paying for S23's rent plus the car payments etc on my ex's car so it pretty much nets out to zero compared to this time last year. I've stopped taking myself out for dinner every week and have cut back in a few other places. As long as I can find a new job that pays similar to what I get now and I'm under-paid for my experience currently - all should be good.

I got a call from my doctor the other day to schedule a new colonoscopy and realized that some worries I had about such things aren't there now that S23 is living with me. The instructions are that you're not supposed to be alone for the day after the procedure and I won't be. When my ex had her's after BD but before she moved out, she had me and I took care of things. While S23 still doesn't have his full license and can't drive me he will at least be able to ensure that I'm OK and I won't be alone in the house.

Since I always finish on this - salmon fillet for dinner tonight with spiced home fries.

Thanks everyone for listening.


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
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Hi Andrew!

It is good to hear from you.

You have been through alot in a short period of time. You are oviously in the process of shouting the door of the past, breathing, healing and getting ready to enter into a new one.

You are well surrounded on-line and in your hometown. I can see the respect and the kindness people have for you. The grey will clear.

Have you thought of voluntering or joining a group in your community to expand your social life?

Bringing joy to others mirror joy to you. ( at least for me smile )

You should get your son involve in fixing the window. Quality time. You could teach him and he could do the work. A lesson that might be needed later on in his life! smile

My kids love renovating with me.

Brighter days.. snow is melting and my car sink in the driveway. Lol spring is around the corner. Time to break some ice.

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Happy Birthday!!!

Enjoy the trip to see your daughter.

Glad you are avoiding those temptations to see your XW.

Re dating, hopefully someone more experienced has advice for you. I’d just do what feels right to you. And if a formal date seems like too much of a first step, why not just ask someone to have a cup of coffee together to get to know one another? You could be making a friend and maybe it turns into something more...or not. I think anyone would be flattered to hear; Id love to get to know you better (and really mean it).


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
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Happy Birthday Andrew! I agree with Gordie - little steps, coffee, drinks ... if it goes well, order appetizers, but no dinner - this was told to me by someone whose opinion I value in these matters. He said keep your sneakers handy because you never know when you might need to run away, which is why drinks/coffee rather than a full on meal with three courses and awkward pauses.

Generally speaking I think we attract what we ourselves embody at any particular moment. A confident happy person will attract the same, while someone in a more negative space will also attract the same. Don't we see that with the various OP the MLCrs end up with? So that's one more thing to contemplate - where are you internally, as there's a high likelihood that is what you will attract outwardly.

Hope this helps. xoxoxo


M 20+ T25+
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Andrew,

Happy Birthday and I hope your trip to visit your daughter is a safe one. Enjoy the time you spend with her.

As for dating, one step at a time. A hook up for coffee, a movie, a walk or a quick bite to eat would be the first steps. Allow things to progress slowly because there is no hurry to rush into a long term relationship. Take your time and when the right princess comes along, you will know it.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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PS - Birthday not until March 11th but thanks for the pre-wishes.


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It's better to be early than late. LOL!


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Happy birthday, Andrew!!!! Hope you're having a fantastic time visiting with your daughter. I can't wait to hear the latest update when you get back. smile

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Hi everyone. I'm back from adventures in the US of A.

Overall it was a good trip full of hugs, laughs and love.

I took my time driving down to Virginia taking 2 days, spent a full day there on the 11th (my birthday) and then driving back on the 12th. It's over 1200km and took 15 hours on the drive back so not for the faint of heart.

I pushed to get back in one day because I had a planned dinner with a freshly discovered cousin on the 13th. She flew in from Alberta to meet her birth relatives for the first time. She found me and us through the Ancestry DNA testing which was cool. I had a nice visit with her and my other cousins and Aunt. One thing that was disturbing was a picture of my uncle on his own 54th birthday. He only lived a few weeks longer than that passing from cancer. I am now also 54.

March 9th, the day that I started out was the 2 year anniversary of when my now ex told me that she was leaving me but not why while we were on vacation in Mexico. Last year on this day when I was heading to visit my daughter was when pictures of her and OM on an expensive vacation were published. This year was quiet. It didn't feel as weird driving along for so long alone. I listened to some new Bossa Nova that I have plus lots of pod-casts. Stopped mid-way in Maryland and had grits and scrapple for breakfast the next morning. I expect that over time the anniversary of "bomb-day" will assume less and less meaning.

For my birthday my daughter and her husband took me on a tour of the USS Wisconsin and the Nauticus museum in Norfolk. I highly recommend it. It was fun going around the ship especially since my son-in-law is in the navy on an aircraft carrier and was like a kid bouncing around talking about the different stations and how they are similar and different on where he serves. He was especially moved by the fact that the Wisconsin had an on-board doughnut making station which his ship lacks. He's going to make a point of bringing that to the attention of others wink

There was roasted pork and freshly made cake for dinner and my son joined us via Skype with his own cake (which I arranged before I left) and the four of us had a lovely visit with much laughter and a certain amount of making fun of Dad.

During the visit there was very little talk of the kid's mother but we did talk a bit about my own continuing struggles and the future that I'm trying to build. One bit that caught my attention was during dinner when we were talking about a food preference that I thought both kids had and they responded "no that's Mom, who knows if she does that now or not". The way they said it sounded like the both don't hear from her much and also that they don't have a lot of respect for her or insight into her life. Sad.

The drive back was tough and long and powered by coffee, granola bars and some poor but probably necessary food choices. I'd done it before when my daughter got married but had my son and wife in the car to keep me company rather than being alone. I took steps to update the kids on my progress and we were all happy when I crossed the border again. On the last leg of the journey I recall turning that last corner towards home and feeling a leap in my heart like I used to get knowing that I would be soon home and in the arms of my wife. I had to smother that feeling 'cuz those times are over.

Yesterday was filled with laundry, sleep and the visiting mentioned earlier. While I was out S23 and a friend went off on their own adventures and I got home shortly after them. Oddly, there was a missed call on the phone. From the store where my ex works and timed shortly after her shift would have ended. There is no reason for anyone from there to have called the house. There was no message.

Last night while laying in bed I felt what was like a sharp blow to my back between my shoulder-blades - which made me think of being stabbed. Shortly after that I bit my tongue rather hard by accident. Despite being a scientific sort, I do believe somewhat in omens and portents. I checked with SIL1 and she said that there continues to be silence from my ex. No indication of her getting together with her guy, going on the vacations she always insisted on at this time of year, nothing. I would presume that if they'd broken up that there would be angst and drama being posted like she did when they broke up in late 2016 getting back together after New Year's 2017. There's no real purpose in speculating or trying to mind-read what's going on. It makes no difference to my personal reality.

I've still not received the final court papers on the divorce. They should be arriving any day now. They can take up to 3 months from when the documents are filed I believe. I've set this trip as a watershed moment beyond which I'll be more actively building a new life. I still don't know what that new life will look like. Right now, I'm still feeling "grey" and burned out. If my ex were to tap on the door, I don't know that I'd have the energy to do anything but turn away. That will pass though I expect as I continue along but I realistically don't expect her to ride up on a sparkly unicorn professing undying love and desiring to make amends. My future will be built with my own two hands and I don't see it involving her.


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Andrew,

I am glad you had a great time in VA and that your travels were safe going and returning.

I think I would check on the status of those papers. At least it would give you some idea where they are in the system.


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welcome home! your adventure sounds lovely and i do so like your SIL and daughter - I wish they were closer to you physically.

All I can tell you Andrew, is that in my experience this journey gets easier as the time passes. You've come so very far. It's ok to pause every now and then, reflect, rest then get back at this building of a new life.

If no one has told you this recently, I am telling you: I'm proud of the hard work you've done and continue to do. xoxoxo


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

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Andrew

Sounds like a great trip. Your future that you build...will be glorious.

So you think she tried to call you?


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2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
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Thanks everyone.

job - A month after my last email to them, my lawyer wrote to me yesterday. It appears that I am still legally married frown The other lawyer hasn't submitted the divorce affidavit to the court as of yet. Is it hesitation or just incompetence? I would imagine that lawyer doesn't think much of my ex after being lied to. Given the past actions of both lawyers I'm going to call it as incompetence. The email I received was of the "don't worry your pretty little head about it" tone and there's not much I can reasonably do except wait for my ex and her lawyer to put the forms in. It looks like it won't be until summer before I'm divorced now.

Gordie - It could have been a butt dial, she could have been trying to reach S23, no way to know. It is the first time that number has shown up on the phone since July 2016 though and it is co-incidental with her needing to sign that final document. No way for me to know. I try to use the old mind-reading turban but it hasn't worked right for a long time.

On other notes, I had a good talk with S23 the other night. We talked a bit about our futures. He says that he has a goal of moving out on his own before he turns 25. We both agree that he's got it pretty good here and that there is no "need" on either side for him to move out. We did talk about me dating and perhaps extending the family out with a new partner and kids. He seemed quite comfortable with that at least in theory. I did mention very clearly that I will not be fathering any new children. We both agree that I'm far too old for that as being 70 with a teenager would be difficult for all. I had been intending on starting asking people out now but with the legal stuff still up in the air it's not time yet.

I do occasionally have conversations with myself on how I would react if my ex did show up on my doorstep. I think it still comes down to my belief that there is no way that she would be prepared to do what would be necessary to regain my trust. I think I could get over the actual infidelity but the lies and abandonment would require some very hard work that I don't believe she would be capable of sustaining.

I forget where I read it but I quite like this quote. "Don't look back. You're not going that way."


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Andrew,

Sounds like that was a good talk with s25.

Good job not mind reading.

I do think we all ask that what if question.

Re dating, go at your own pace. Don’t let your w’s actions or inactions get in your way. As always, you will be honest about your situation with any potential ladies whom you get to know.

Still snowy up there?

Peace.


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Journaling

If things continue as they are this well may not be my last thread. Being alone without someone who I can easily confide in leaves me with few outlets. I do have good friends and family around me but not "right here" which I'm sure everyone understands.

So - Good Morning from the land of hangovers and poor choices! Last night I filled up the final boxes of things to be donated and left them on the front step to be picked up by a local charity.

Years ago my ex had some of those wooden signs up over a bunch of doors downstairs on themes of family, love, friends etc. I had packed those in the boxes some time ago. On her last trip through the house she listed that she had taken them with a snarky note that they were "her's" because friends had given them to her. Whatever. I was surprised that there were 4 she left behind. They were "Love Simply", "Care Deeply", "Speak Kindly", "Love Generously".

Since I expected last night to be tough I enabled my poor choices by picking up some beer and pork pies (Hi Westo!) on the way home. I've been trying to cut back on high calorie comfort food but allowed myself last night. My poor choices were fortunately confined to drinking too much beer and eating a pork pie while watching a movie on Netflix. My ex has been off my contact list for more than a year to prevent really poor choices. S23 wandered by around 2:00am and probably was shaking his head.

I'm now down to some stuff from the garden and house that I still want to dispose of. Some will go to the dump in a month or so and some I'll see what I can get selling it.

One thing that bothers me a lot is that I'm having a tough time completely dropping the rope and moving on. I and SIL1 who watches my ex's social media for me still get wrapped up in WTF discussions which is what woke me up this morning. Today's discussion was around the delays in the paperwork being filed and if she is having second thoughts. From the outside things certainly don't seem to be going well for her. She's lost most of her friends, her parents died, and her own children have little if anything to do with her. Not being a mother I can't imagine abandoning your children but it does happen like in the case with Irish here. Given that it doesn't appear that she's still not moved in with her guy after all this time I would presume that's not going to happen. Since he's probably at least 10+ years older than her in at least his mid to late 60s I can imagine that he's pretty risk averse and has probably had sensible advice to not let my ex get any sort of legal rights to his estate. Perhaps they're perfectly happy with that situation but I can't imagine my ex being content with it. She had a constant need for validation and affirmation and hated being alone. I remember even relatively recently having to go in to the kitchen to see a stack of dripping dishes because she was so proud of "doing the dishes".

While our marriage wasn't perfect, no one's is. I had some bad habits as did she. She dealt with my hobbies with kind interest and I accepted her poor housekeeping and the way she would take me for granted and manipulate me as just "normal". We lived frugally below our means which I know bothered my ex from time to time but she was generally proud of how we pulled ourselves back from the brink of financial disaster by hard work, determination and team work. We were just beginning to live "the good life" she always coveted when she blew it all up.

I feel weak and if she were to knock on the door right now, I don't honestly know what my reaction would be. I know what it "should" be - to close it in her face. I've known even before bomb-day that she wouldn't have the humility and honesty necessary to reconcile. I can't imagine that's changed. I feel her absence only a tiny bit which living in the marital home is a pretty big accomplishment. I've not scrubbed her memory from here but there are few direct reminders of her around me. A stranger coming in to the house might find some notes in her handwriting in a drawer or some somewhat feminine touches here and there but that's it.

The reality is that I'm alone and single and that's unlikely to change any time soon.

On another note I did have a lovely and somewhat lengthy chat with a colleague at work yesterday. Her timeline is similar to mine but she still has to deal with her ex because of kids and financial issues. It's not very pleasant for her. She's also stunningly beautiful and rather reserved normally so I was a bit surprised at the length of our chat this time. There is no "chemistry" between us that I can detect and never has been but it was nice to have her open up to me a bit. She's a very nice lady.

Well - time to shower and get on with my Saturday errands. The sun is shining brightly and perhaps that will burn away the cobwebs that have been plaguing me for the last couple of months. Perhaps I'll pick up some potting soil and start seeds for my box-garden today.

A bien tot mes amis.


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Bonjour mon ami! smile

Don' t beat yourself up. Moving forward (moving on) does not mean get someone new. It means makung the best out of each day. Some will be good and some not.. the waves.. smile
You have visited many memories. The memories will always be there as they were your life and for many years, she was part of it.

But you are still the writer of your story. The journey continues.

I would not be surprised if me and you meet in person someday.
Once i relocate, you might be one of my day trip.(if you approve of course)

Be good to yourself! smile easy on the booze wink

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((exquisitetobe)) - Thank you for your kind words and support and gentle chastisement. There are times that I am sure that I am my own worst enemy. I knew that Friday night would be a bit tough letting go of those "things" and prepared myself for it. Things do indeed progress in waves. Earlier in this journey the highs were higher and the lows were lower. One of the things about my personality is that I tend to face problems dead-on and over-think / over prepare which is what I did Friday. I know that beer does indeed lead to poor choices not to mention far too many calories on a man who is trying to lose weight. I generally try to be moderate but from time to time am not. I am "unsupervised" after all wink

Last year at this time I was blessed with a much stronger support network than I have now. This included a very special person (non-romantic) but we had a falling out in the early summer and I let them go from my life. My other supporters have also moved on with their lives since I'm no longer in the same level of crisis as I was then. I know that I need to face the future and face it on my own two feet. I was reading some about the concept of "mid-life crisis" and had also been talking to a friend the other day who mentioned that evolution is essentially done with me. I will never father another child nor do I want to. My own children are grown and (largely) independent. In fact I have no one nor nothing that is dependent on me. Even the cats are fine as long as someone fills their food bowl wink If something catastrophic were to happen to me, my ex is well provided for and she is also no longer my wife nor my responsibility anyway. Don't worry - no plans for catastrophes are being considered.

My feelings about my ex are complex and I honestly don't really understand them myself. Thinking it out here I think that the best thing for me to do is to contact the local health unit to see if I can get an appointment with my therapist. I'll do that right after I finish this post. Since I don't understand and can't fix it myself I need to ask for help.

I never imagined myself to be in this position. Reading the "script" for a mid-life crisis, I'm prime fodder but have no interest in chasing after some ephemeral and shallow joy. It's been quite some time since I read Frankl's "Man's Search for Meaning" but the themes in there apply to people in crisis. And I'm not. I'm just bobbing along on the waves with no wind in my sails and no bearing on my compass. Reading stories about people who like my ex in many ways who have gone through what could be considered a typical MLC - things often do not end up well for them because they tend to consistently make poor choices.

Saturday was a generally good day. The donations were picked up by the time I got back from grocery shopping. The rest of the day was spent doing laundry, updating my book-keeping and some reading. S23 and I had a nice supper and I managed to cook the steaks exactly as he likes them. I usually have them more well done than he prefers.

Today should be another quiet day. I have my usual itinerary but may pop in to "town" because I forgot to get potting soil yesterday. Until I have the final papers in hand and hopefully have a clearer head I'm not going to look in to dating. Not that I have any expectation of a short chubby woman knocking on my door with an expression of remorse. In many ways I really hope that doesn't happen. I know a lot more about the human condition now than I did 2 years ago when everything blew up and know that while there might be simple answers, there are no simple solutions.

Thanks again for the visit equisitetobe. And who knows what the future holds? If you see a middle aged somewhat chubby guy wandering around a hiking trail with a heavy walking stick taking pictures of everything - say Hi.


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Journaling

Feeling a bit better today. Yesterday morning I re-listened to an audiobook / podcast that I'd listened to the night before. I then sat there in my car and wept. I felt the tears washing away some of the stress and anger and fear that has been building up inside me. I still have a fair bit but just like a pot on the stove, sometimes you have to lift the lid to let the steam out so that they cook properly. And yes, my analogies are sometimes hard to get wink

I also had a nice call with D25 last night. She's having problems renewing her passport and the government lost her birth certificate in the process. She called and we worked through the forms together. She didn't "need" me as she had everything she needed but it was nice that she needed me. She did mention her mother a few times. Her mother was a major player in her birth after all wink. It seems that her grandparents aren't buried yet and will be in May and she wants to get her new passport in time for that. Her mother asked her to attend. I did mention that I was annoyed at her for not telling me about them dieing when I asked if all was OK with them but she has no memory of that. She's under a lot of stress these days with her husband being at sea more and more as the ship goes through sea trials, they are needing to re-home their adult dog because she's not doing well with other dogs in their urban area - she got loose and there was a fight, and perhaps there is some stress about her parents too. I try to not complain too much while still being honest and we both try to not have her mother be a topic of conversation.

I thought I'd share the lines from the audio-book that struck me to the quick. It's a relatively obscure series aimed at millennials so unlikely to be familiar to many here. Most of the series is just silly but this episode I found deep.
Originally Posted By: Huntokar
You have already been destroyed, you just don’t know it yet.

And I? I thought I was the exception.

I’ve spent every moment since my mistake trying to put back together what I took apart, but – it is beyond me. Every action that endeavours to improve only causes more suffering and terror.

I was naïve, but lovingly so. You should not forgive me just because I had love in my heart. Intension never matter.

and in my moment of foolish hope, in my belief that I could save anything… I reached out my clumsy hand and destroyed them all.

Hmh, time is startlingly persistent in that way. Even badly wounded, it moves.

For a while, I believed we could go on like this. If we only put our heads down and insisted on living, without looking at or considering the world around us, we could just keep moving. And the main thing was to – keep moving. Denial was key. As long as we denied, then nothing was wrong.

But my efforts end here. The world is finally falling apart, piece by piece, and I stand by. All the powers of my thousands of years, and I can only watch it fall.

And so, here I am. Telling you this story, so that at least in your destruction, you will understand who has destroyed you. And you will understand that she destroyed only out of a loving desire to save you. May you perceive her as foolish and naïve, rather than monstrous.

I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. Huh. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells.

Today’s proverb: Less is more. Simplification is the way to happiness. You are not your things.


Today's menu.
- Breakfast - eggs Florentine with sausages and tea biscuits.
- Lunch - toast with peanut butter
- Dinner - meatloaf with potatoes and chocolate birthday cake for afters.


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Journaling

I've been getting more and more paranoid that my ex will be circling back around especially since there seem to be inexplicable delays in filing the final paperwork but I think that I'm wrong.

On Wednesday - the same day as my last update - I raked the lawn and as is my practice also swept the curb. My ex used to be annoyed at me for doing this because we would have the only swept curb in the entire village and she hated looking particular. Me - I like things to look nice and to be honest get a certain pleasure in my house looking nicer than my neighbours. In the one case, it doesn't take much wink So as I finished I was thinking to myself, wouldn't X roll her eyes if she saw this.

Well - when S23 came home from work a bit earlier than usual he mentioned that he had dinner plans. A bit later, I see his mother parked across the street rather than around the corner as usual. She was alone in the vehicle. Odd. Also odd that she's taking her son out for dinner in perhaps the first time for a year not counting her parent's funeral. And on an evening where they both have to get up early for work. It certainly isn't a frequent event. They were out for a couple of hours which wasn't long enough to go to the city where OM lives, have dinner and come back so they must have gone somewhere local. There's lots of choices.

Since I tend to over-think everything I get stressed out for the last few days. However last night as S23 and I were reviewing the grocery list I mention that I believe we need cheese. Nope he says - I was just given some so we're good. I check the fridge this morning and there is a giant block of cheddar in there - presumably courtesy of OM / his mother.

His mother always did believe in buying affection with "things" but never big things. Like the time after she spent a weekend with OM she made me fried onions for dinner. I presume she's trying to rebuild bridges with her children which is a good thing and I should be happy about that. I had been talking to D25 on Tuesday night and helping her with some paperwork to get her passport renewed and she mentioned that her mother had been pushing for her to come up in May to attend the internment of her grandparents.

But the block of cheese is a firm sign that my ex hasn't given up on her guy (he's the "milkman") even though from the outside it would appear that things are stalled there and that she is just a girlfriend. I could be wrong though. It doesn't matter to me as long as she files those last pieces of paperwork.

It should be a lovely day here. I have some steaks out for our dinner. I'm going to get a fresh haircut this morning which I have to leave for in a few minutes. I found that a lady at work (who I'm pretty interested in) also used to be involved in Girl Guides and her mother is a leader so S23 and I are both happy to have a fresh supply of cookies. I have several boxes ordered for us and to send down to D25 who also used to be a guide and she and her H love the cookies. S23 even seemed pretty cool with the idea of me asking out this woman - probably the cookies were a determining factor. I think I've misplaced my courage though.


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Andrew,

I do not see anything wrong in keeping your yard nice and the curb swept. A yard is the first impression people have of you when the drive by or pull into the driveway.

As for the block of cheese...well, she could also be trying to rebuild the bridge between the two of you. Maybe she's hoping you'll drop her a line to say thanks...but as we say around here...you just do not know what is going thru her head. I do think she is attempting to reconnect w/her son and daughter and is slowly inching her way back into their lives. Whatever the reasons for the cheese, I'm glad she and your son went out last evening.

She and the OM may just be friends now and not into the "affair" mode. Time will tell on that one.

You will eventually work up the nerve to ask the lady out. The time isn't right just yet...but it's coming and when you do ask her out, do something special that will be a good memory for the both of you.

Enjoy your day!


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Hmmm - I may have turned a corner at least temporarily.

My cookies are almost gone. I have no idea if S23's survived the first night or not. Since it's lunch time and I'm working from home here I popped in to his room (and yes snooped a bit) to see if he had many dishes stashed.

It was interesting to note that the little heirloom item of his mother's that I'd given him to pass on was still there as were some containers from back at Christmas that I'd washed and put up there to return. There can't be too much interaction between them which is what I have been assuming all along.

Since he "really" likes girl guide cookies I was surprised when we were talking the other night that he never mentioned getting some from his mother so I did a bit of google searching. There is no reference any more of his mother being associated with her Guiding troop. Sad. She loved those girls even if towards the end had rage at the organization (she had rage at lots of things - but never me oddly). She also had a lot of good friends and had absorbed being a Guider into her personality. Presumably she's not involved any more. I felt a bit sad about that but didn't find that the searching and thinking caused me much stress. She probably still has all the Guider stuff around her plus her custom Guider license plates. She did seem to "brand" herself with whatever her interest was.

Even though it's useless to speculate, I would imagine that my ex is pretty firmly in her hole with the end pulled in after her. I've seen some signs that she's interacting a bit more with her kids which causes me less jealousy than it used to. I don't wish her ill and more and more she is less and less in my thoughts and worries. Mostly she's just another bill I have to pay each month. If she were to move in with OM that would give me some good closure but there's no sign visible to me of that happening. So much for a "serious relationship" and throwing over her family for a dream.

I've also found that one huge trigger - a particular song which plays regularly - while it still bothers me, I can acknowledge it and go on without dashing to the radio to turn it off.

I've also not been hit by "the lonely" quite so much. In fact I was thinking the other day while laying in bed that sleeping alone has some distinct advantages. My ex was a bit of a blanket hog and also especially towards the end tossed and turned a lot. I still get nightmares about her - had 2 small ones last night in fact but they are less stressful. Maybe the big ones from my trip in February burned out my give a d@mn circuits.

I'm feeling less and less like I'm on a journey and more that I'm at a destination. I still need a new job to improve me work/life balance and to get some more professional satisfaction but at the moment at least I feel fairly emotionally balanced. I never did get my IC appointment (they never called back - crossed wires perhaps).

I had dinner last night with a dear friend and while we did talk a bit about me and my circumstances, much of the dinner was taken up arguing about trends in technology and politics. It was nice to get back to things that are important.

Easter is coming up this weekend with another attempt at roast duck in Chez AndrewP. I read back to last year and noticed that S23 spent Easter with his mother then. He and I have made plans for this year - no clue if his mother might have plans of her own. Not my issue.

After the big bump a few weeks ago I am less worried about her knocking on the door. I've been doing a bit of reading here and elsewhere and a lot of thinking. If she were indeed thinking of coming back it would be a long drawn-out process where she would be putting "feelers" out via the kids and my relatives. No sign of any of that. If she reads along here - which is not outside the realm of possibility - she would know that it would take a lot to pry open that door whether I'm seeing someone else or not. I'll nag my lawyer sometime next week. Tomorrow is my ex's usual day off normally used for running errands etc so maybe she'll file those last papers then. Not sure if she has things to sign yet or if it's all in the hands of her lawyer who maybe just hasn't done it.

In the next week or so I'll be doing a few trips to the dump to get rid of some of the abandoned property. The house is looking pretty sparse. I have a few things (anybody want a juicer?) that I'll either post on the local buy/sell or perhaps have a yard sale in June when we have a village-wide event for such things. It's amazing how much stuff she took but still there's lots of stuff here. Some parts of the house which were jammed look a bit sparse but are much more livable. I can now use the whole laundry room and often have dinner in the dining room - both of which were only minimally usable before because of accumulations of "stuff". Her apartment must be jammed.

Tentative menu for Easter Sunday. Roast duck with sausage spiced dressing. Mashed potatoes (or maybe baked). Maybe gravy. Mixed vegetables. Fresh bread or buns. And I've asked the local bake shop is she might maybe perhaps be doing up jam tarts which I would have then for desert. Doing up a turnip casserole (one of my favourites) would be just too much food for 2 guys.

Lots of room at the table - I can seat 8 easily. Let me know if you like turnip.


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Hey AP! I like turnip!

You seem a bit like me at the moment AP, taken a couple of steps backwards on the road. I guess we have to expect that sometimes but it shakes me to the core that I am revisiting feelings from when this all started. Seems like you are too?

I sometimes think that if I met someone it might help me move on. Listening to you talk about someone you might be interested in gives me fresh hope that maybe one day I will get to that stage too. Even better if that person also has access to a steady supply of cookies or biccies as we say in my part of the world!!

I'm finding myself thinking about H more and more these days. It's tiring speculating what they might be thinking or doing or what their motivations are but it's human nature to be curious about someone you spent such a long time with although it's good to hear that she takes up less and less space in your thoughts.

Easter Sunday dinner sounds great! (((AP)))


Me - 47
H - 45
D-16
M - 6 years
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I have gone on a few dates here and there. Different context, as I've never been monogamous and the people I date aren't monogamous.

It has been super helpful. In one way, I noticed a shift in old patterns. Neither H nor EX/OM have ever been good about expressing their needs, and I'm very direct. So, it's all my fault because I didn't care.

So, I went on a few dates with this woman before Christmas and things went weird and wonky and she cancelled our last date after a few awkward texts. We were supposed to go snowshoeing all day and the weather, as AP may well know, here in ontario was -25. Well, when I saw her after New Year's, she told me she hadn't wanted to be out in such cold weather but she thought if she told me, as I'm "so adventurous", I would like her anymore. I saw instantly that she was a person who doesn't express her needs, and I was unwilling to go down the same tired path as I had with EX/OM and H.

I think there's nothing wrong with dating casually if you're not ready for anything serious. Just make sure you clearly and explicitly communicate to the potential other what you're available for so they can make an informed choice.

AP, I don't know which thread I saw it in while I am being silly and reading this forum at 3:30 in the morning, but Sandi2 had never seen an inhouse separation. Lots to think about. I know I read somewhere that it's better for them to stay in the house... but honestly, I don't know anymore.

I just don't want to split custody, either. *sigh*


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Surv1ve - Thanks for stopping by. That was perhaps me posting on Gordie's thread about in-house separations. I am grateful that mine was relatively short at about 5 months long. It's tough to heal when you are getting fresh hurts. Mind you, just because something hasn't been witnessed here doesn't mean that it can't happen. The people who end up here have usually already gone past the point where normal "kiss and make up" situations could apply.

-------------

Minor bit of news. S23 had dinner again with his mother on Friday. Presumably an Easter dinner of sorts. He was over at her apartment for a surprising 7 hours though. He's never visited that long before. One thing that wasn't too much of a surprise was that shortly after he left I saw that he'd opened and gone through my SnapChat story - which he usually ignores.

So - my ex is "still" in her apartment 3 years after starting her affair. And she's still keeping an eye on me. The second bit isn't surprising but the first bit is.

If I were to buy in to the "stages" MLC idea theoretically she's reconnecting. It's certainly the case that her princess fairy land dreams didn't work out. I do feel a bit bad for her being alone (presumably) for what are traditionally family times like Christmas and Easter. Heck - I feel pretty bad for me too smile

It's annoying that she is using S23 to monitor me. I was hauling a load to the dump yesterday and S23 gave me a bit of a hairy eyeball and asked what was in the load which was odd. I know that he is under instructions that I'm not "allowed" to sell / dispose of certain things.

I had an interesting chat with the cute teller at the bank and mentioned in passing that I hadn't "allowed" to do actions x or y while married. She was horrified. We might run into each other next Sunday at the local Maple Syrup festival.

As an April Fools gag I have toyed with the idea of photo-shopping a woman's picture showing us as a couple as a Facebook profile picture. That would certainly mess with my ex. Even though I've blocked her she still can see stuff posted publicly like that. It would mess with everyone else if I posted a picture from when I was married - but I'm very definitely not in a place where I can do that.

Happy Easter everyone! I've got a bunch of cleaning still to do, might fit in a short hike and then roast duck and turnip casserole for dinner. There's lots of room at the table.


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Oh, we are for sure past the "quick kiss and make up stage." There would be so much work! And, it's now been 18 months of IHS.

I am still quite cognizant of Hawho's turn of events AND there are times when he seems so self aware and then he works super hard to bury all of his revelations.

What is keeping you from asking the teller out? I remember a post about her a long, long, LONG time ago and I am so curious what keeps you from just making the leap?


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Originally Posted By: Surv1ve
What is keeping you from asking the teller out? I remember a post about her a long, long, LONG time ago and I am so curious what keeps you from just making the leap?
To quote the learned philospher L Frank Baum - What have they got that I ain't got - Courage laugh

Some rambling thoughts.

Yesterday I stumbled across a fascinating article that talked about the Book of Job in the context of the Peanuts comic strip. Now first off I need to make it clear that I'm not a Believer like many here are. It's been probably 40 years as well since I read the Bible in full. I still feel though that regardless of your religious views that it's one heck of a good read (except when you get bogged down in the "begats") with a lot of good stories. I read the odd chapter from time to time and do so love the rhythm of the Psalms.

I think a lot of us here can relate to the story of Job (Hi job!) where he was tested for reasons that had nothing to do with him. Poor Charlie Brown always trying his best, always getting his kite stuck in the tree and Lucy always pulling the football away at the last minute.

You can find the strip dated 14-Sep-2014 online (at least I was able to). Too bad I can't link to the actual article I read which included a number of quotes from Charles Schultz on the subject.

Certainly food for thought.

Quote of the day
Originally Posted By: Welcome To Night Vale
When one door closes, another opens. That's why there are so many raccoons living in your house.
I still haven't heard back from my lawyer about the final divorce paperwork. I nagged her early this week via email. I'm hesitant to push too much because it costs me money to do so. They are really crappy at responding. Last I'd heard a few weeks ago the other lawyer hadn't submitted the affidavit for divorce to the courts. I've been assured previously that there are no known issues and that I shouldn't worry my pretty little head about it.

Something weird happened this week. For Easter I'd gone to a local winery last Saturday and picked up a number of bottles of wine and cider. Most of them I put down in the cellar on the pantry shelves for later.

One Wednesday morning I went down to get the cats fresh food and noticed a puddle of wine on the floor. Checking there was some broken glass and the broken and now sadly empty bottle was in the bin I have for such things. I figured that S23 had accidentally knocked it over and hadn't bothered to clean up. Later on Wednesday I mentioned it to him in passing in the context that I'd found broken glass. It turns out that he's also seen the mess and broken glass and thought it was me. It could perhaps have been a particularly aggressive mouse - the shelves are a bit flimsy but neither of us have any memory of putting the bottle in the bin. And if either of us had broken the bottle we would have wiped up the mess.

It could have happened any time between Tuesday morning and Wednesday morning. S23 was there the whole time as he had the day off but rarely stirs from his room listening to podcasts and sports. I'm used to hearing him and the cats wandering around the house at all hours so pay no mind to noises in the night. The house locks were not changed after I took full possession and the house is normally locked. The spare key is where it's always been. My assumption is that if one of the few people who knows where it is wants into the house S23 would let them in regardless of what key fits in the lock and so haven't bothered going through the hassle of changing the locks. The house is pretty easy to break in to as well if you know where to.

Weird.

Finally - since culinary adventures seems to be a current topic on this forum - and always is on my thread - Easter dinner turned out quite well I thought. S23 pronounced it "adequate" and that my turnip casserole was not quite up the the measure of his grandmother's. I took a picture of the table to send to D25 and oddly S23 hopped briskly out of the way so that he wouldn't be in it. Yesterday I boiled up the bones, made stock and then stew which was packaged up into individual portions and put in the freezer this morning. We will probably be eating duck stew for the next 2 months laugh Glad I didn't do a turkey. That would be a year's worth of food for the two of us.

All for now - I shall keep watching for odd visitations. I have heard nothing at all from the people who are keeping an eye on my ex's social media for me. No clue what she's up to at all and presume that she's still living alone in her apartment the next village over.

I could imagine that she was my wine bottle smashing visitor but it is possible that there is another answer.


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Posting more than usual lately it would seem. Trying to sort things out in my head and heart and writing it out helps. Outlets I had at this time last year aren't around any more. People move on.

Good Saturday morning all!

So - for more confirmation that I'm boring I realized that I've spent the last 18 hours trying to remember the word arbitrage. A favourite podcast - Tides of History brought the concept back to mind yesterday but since it is presented by a historian and not an economist he didn't use that word.

Yep - Old boring AndrewP is reasserting himself.

Breakfast was a bit of an experiment this morning. I had part of a cucumber and green pepper left so sliced those up to sautee and on a whim tossed in some pickled herring. An "interesting" combination. As I would say on social media #adventuresinhousekeeping wink. I bought the herring on a whim a couple of weeks ago but am struggling to figure out how to use it. I have about 2/3 of a small jar left - suggestions would be welcome. My goal though was to continue to not have vegetables go bad in my fridge so I achieved that and the result while tasting a bit odd was very likely healthy. An advantage of being a bachelor is that nobody generally complains about my cooking.

Funny thinking about it. For most men in my situation one of the things that they would be missing out on is a wife who would cook and clean for them. I've always done my own and much of the family laundry, my ex was an indifferent (could even say bad) housekeeper and while she could cook quite well when she put her mind to it she didn't very often so other than dinner I cooked for myself too. I used to do dinners on the weekend at times as well to give her a break so while I make mistakes and still don't know what a lot of the things in the kitchen are used for, I think I do rather well. As a friend of mine would say - I'll make a nice little wifey for someone some day. I have a divorced friend who mainly subsists on restaurants, convenience foods and regular visits to his elderly mother.

I've decided to apply Occam's Razor to the Mystery of the Smashed Wine Bottle. There is no evidence at all that would indicate that my ex was involved, just my own paranoia. One thing I know about the world and life is that there are things that I will never know or understand. Any scenarios involving her coming into the house are just too complex to have any amount of realism. Still no answer from my lawyer on the status of my case. I can presume nothing has happened because if it did they would be sending me a bill and replying to my emails. Next week I need to be more direct I think. In 10 days it will be 2 full years since I dug into my ex's Facebook Messenger and saw messages between her and her friends talking about her great new guy and how everyone was afraid I would find out. Whoopsie! There were also messages I saw then about how she had gotten drunk and told people at a party about her great guy - while I was sitting as the designated driver on the other side of the room and how those people had been "unkind". Go figure.

I do wonder what my options are to push this along. I've read here and elsewhere about divorces "hanging fire" and am tired of that being the case for me.

If I look at it closely, I've got a pretty darned good life. I have my health, the love of my family, a roof over my head (in my name). It's too shallow of a life though. I feel that I'm just going through the motions. Adding traditional "GAL" activities wouldn't add to the depth I feel. I need to make some changes but honestly am indeed afraid of that.

That one strand of rope I feel is still holding me back. Even though lots of people start new relationships before everything is completely done and I myself have considered it, I'm reluctant to. I no longer feel like the rope is tied around my heart though - more like it's a collar around my neck.

Even though I do think about it, I don't really have a "lot" of interest in what my ex is up to. From all indications she's spent much of the last 2 years in her tunnel with the end pulled in after her. For someone who craved attention and couldn't stand being alone she appears to be doing just the opposite. Her relationship with OM certainly can't be solid since she had Easter in her apartment rather than his nice house. If my life feels shallow her's must be dark. There's another site related to infidelity that I follow on Facebook and will occasionally comment on things. She's not my family or wife to protect any more and I have nothing to hide. Even though I have her blocked and presume she still has blocks in the other direction she may very well be aware that I am open about the fact that I was cheated on. That's part of "my" healing though - to take what happened and the wounds and examine them, understand them so that it won't happen again and to help others in a similar situation. If she had turned back towards me even a year ago, all of what happened could perhaps have been quietly swept under a rug at least publicly, but it's far far too late for that now.

Oh well - enough rambling for now. I quite like my updated signature line - my stories are indeed for me but I am grateful for those of you who listen and more so for those who both listen and understand.

Should be a busy day today. I was supposed to get another laser treatment on my tattoo but the shop's laser broke so that has been deferred. It now looks quite faded but is still prominent enough to notice and recognize. Perhaps a metaphor for my growing independence. Banking, groceries, flowers and laundry on the list. Salmon fillets for dinner tonight I think. I promised S23 more girl guide cookies which it would appear he doesn't consider getting from his mother - perhaps she's no longer involved in that organization - so will perhaps need to drive an hour out of my way for the purpose. It was on the way to the laser place. I'd hate to dissapoint him and whatever my feelings for my ex, Girl Guides itself is a great charity and organization and the cookies are quite tasty.

A bien tot mes amis.


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Andrew, first off I have no idea what to do with herring.

I do enjoy reading your updates, and I like you signature line - it is very you. FWIW I listen and understand.

I think you have courage, when the time is right you’ll know.


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Journaling

There is a new young lady on my team at work who is quite nice. She's the same age as my daughter and is originally from India. She's only been in Canada for a couple of years. We've agreed that she has become my surrogate "work-daughter". She's checked up on how a doctor's appointment has gone, checked to make sure that my lunches are healthy and regularly asks for advice on various things. I think she worries a bit about her own father "back home" and fussing at me and seeing how much I love and miss my own daughter who is also far away helps her know that even though she herself is far away from home that a Daddy is always there for his little girl.

Speaking of my own daughter, I had a nice and lengthy phone call with her yesterday morning as I drove in to work. I had delayed calling her because I'd mailed her some girl-guide cookies which were delayed in the post and I didn't want to spill the beans. She's struggling with a number of things right now mainly that they are going to have to give up their dog. She's a labrador / pit bull cross and was a rescue as an adult dog who was found living on the streets. She's very loving but nervous and recently got loose and attacked another dog. With my son-in-law going on longer and longer underways in preparation to deployment they agree that she's just too much for my daughter to handle on her own. Sad. They're hoping to find a new quiet and loving home for her but know the odds are low. I can't take her here because I'm not around enough to give the dog the attention she needs and don't think S23 would be all that engaged as well. A friend of mine here was also interested but they have a toddler in the house plus other dogs and this dog hasn't done well on socialization. If anyone happens to be in the Norfolk Virginia area and is interested we can figure out how to connect some dots perhaps.

We did talk again a bit about me starting to date and it became obvious that she was very uncomfortable with the idea. I tried to talk to her about it but she would only say that it felt very weird to her. She had previously seemed to be quite comfortable about it but perhaps with her own stress and such (hey - a snazzy mind-reading turban!) has changed.

I was going to wait to write until next Wednesday but chose to today. Next Wednesday will be the 2nd anniversary of when I found messages on my ex's Facebook Messenger that revealed that she had an ongoing physical affair and that she was terrified of me finding out. This was a month after she had told me that she was leaving but not why. She then stayed in the house for another 3 months seeming to alternate between confidence and confusion while undergoing continual outside pressure until she finally left.

In the last 2 years I have made great strides in healing and in rediscovering myself I think. The grief, anger and pain are still there and probably always will be. But now it's more like a pot of stew that has boiled and brewed and is now cooling off on the back of the stove. A good stew when it cools will have a layer of fat on top of it that seals it off. And yes, my imagery is pretty bizarre at times.

I've been struggling a lot in recent times maintaining no-contact with my ex. Part of it is my own loneliness and nostalgia for what was. Part of it is a desire to help her where my imagination paints her as being unhappy and alone. I honestly don't know what the reality is. She would have had an easy opportunity to file the final papers this past Thursday. But then again she's had lots of opportunities for months to do that and it hasn't happened. I'll need to make decisions on what to do if she continues to delay. I would presume that if her Prince Smarmy and her have found their happily ever after that she would be eager to cut ties with me although I have read lots of stories where that isn't the case. Trust me, I know what it feels like to walk away from nearly 30 years of love. I've gotten nothing from her to indicate that any contact would be welcome. In fact I've gotten nothing of any sort.

I do have to send some sort of communication her way next month to remind her that if she wants any plants to come by and S23 will assist. There are also some garden ornaments she abandoned that came from her parents / grandparents that I don't want. Presuming she's living in her apartment still she has no place for any of this but that's not my problem. Even though she "knows" that this needs to be done I think I need to do some actual communicating which includes a deadline by which it needs to be done otherwise she would figure she could do it at any time - even though the verbal agreement we had during the settlement meetings did say May.

Out of the blue I unexpectedly received a card from my ex-sister in-law. It was a Thank You card for the donation I made in memory of my ex-inlaws when they passed at the end of January. It had a lengthy kind hand-written note in it which was also slighly impersonal. Part of what made this odd was that she hates my guts and always has. It started when we first met and she thought I looked like her ex husband who she married to legitimize her teen-pregnancy. It continued because I never catered to her drama which was constant. My ex - her sister didn't think much of her and especially her continual infidelities. That is until she started her own affair and then became besties.

I'd considered just tossing the card but with S23 here it encourages me to model better behaviour than I might have otherwise. So I set the card open on the table for a few days like I would have with any card / letter received from others.

Part of being "unsupervised" is that at times it is tougher to do the right thing because I am indeed accountable to no-one but myself. I've been struggling with keeping to my diet. This past week I had quite a few carbs which I know brighten my mood but also widens my waistline. I'm currently up about 15lbs from the low I hit after bomb-day. My goal is to lose about 30 lbs from where I am which would put me back to the weight I was when I was married. Going into middle-age making healthy choices is something I need to keep focus on.

I had been planning on catching up on the current news cycle last night with a couple of beer and the cats. 20 something and her current boyfriend / true love d'jour stopped by for a quick visit and to pick up S23 to hang out at her place. I chose to switch from the news - which is currently stressful and depressing - and watched Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince with the cats and some junk food.

Prior her affair heating up but while it was probably a building emotional affair my ex and I started re-watching the Harry Potter films which we both loved. We'd make an evening of it and cuddle up on the couch. This stopped and she got distant from me as her affair - unknown to me - progressed. I've chosen to continue watching the films but at a rather slow pace. I can pretty much watch them now without feeling too much of a pang. But I take my time between them. Binge pain-shopping is a bad thing.

One other thing that I'm thing I need to do is to retire the lovely quilt I have. It was a wedding present from my grandmother who made it especially for the occasion. I've slept under it now for well over half my life. Both of my children were conceived under it. I try to take good care of it and can recall my ex laughing at me watching me carefully re-sewing a seam with the smallest stitches I could manage. As you can imagine it's getting rather worn despite the care I have been giving it. I decided this morning that I will get a new quilt, possibly commission one even but don't know what to do with the old one. Ideas would be welcome.

Anyhoodles. One cat is laying on my arm "helping" my type this while the other is sleeping in front of the office window while it gently snows outside. A "Hallmark moment". I need to get on with my day. There's a Maple Syrup festival in a nearby village today and tomorrow that I'll probably go to tomorrow. The nice teller from the bank said that she'll probably be there too.

A bien tot mes ami.


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Andrew, W and I had a few keepsake quilts also. We sewed loops onto one side and hung the quilt on a rod mounted to the wall (sort of like a curtain). It makes a nice wall hanging / artwork.


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I don't understand why it is taking so long for your divorce to be finalized. Wasn't it agreed that it would be taken care of within a certain time frame? You've been holding up your end of the deal... paying her money, yet she hasn't done her side!

As far as the quilt, I would donate it to a local charity (maybe for the homeless) or an animal shelter. They would surely appreciate it! I have a quilt somewhere around here that was made and given to me as a gift for my first wedding. I had the names/date removed from the corner, but I still have never used it.

How was the Maple Syrup festival? Did you see the bank teller there?

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Andrew,

I would offer the quilt to your daughter. It is a family keepsake since it was done by your grandmother. She put a lot of love and time into making it. Sure, it may be worn and needing some TLC, but it would be something, I think, your daughter would love. She can have someone repair it or cut it down to a smaller one and use it as a wall hanging or just a lap quilt.

I have a few quilts that my mother has made me and I know how long it takes to make quilts, especially if they are done by hand and not with a sewing machine.

Just my two cents.


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Originally Posted By: dream
I don't understand why it is taking so long for your divorce to be finalized. Wasn't it agreed that it would be taken care of within a certain time frame? You've been holding up your end of the deal... paying her money, yet she hasn't done her side!
dream! Lovely of you to stop by. Seeing your name always brightens my day. I hope all is well with you and your boys.

According to the agreement that she signed in late November she had 20 days to file for divorce. The first piece of the paperwork which was the Application for Divorce was filed in mid-January and I was served via my own lawyer. The delay on the first form could be considered reasonable given holidays and such. She then needed to wait 30 days and then file the Affidavit for Divorce which is the document that the courts actually grant the divorce on. That one hasn't been done - to the best of my knowledge - and is about 2 months late at this point. I'm figuring on giving it another month or so before pushing harder. She has the burial of her parents to go through in May which may involve D25 coming up as well. D25 and her H meeting OM at that time will certainly be a stressful thing for everyone. I presume that OM is still in the picture in some fashion.

As to the "why" - I really can't say. From the very beginning she, I think has been a reluctant participant in the whole process. Early on she was horrified of the idea of me taking off my ring if you recall, even while she was actively engaging in her affair. The kind me imagines that she was subjected to significant outside forces plus her own menopausal hormone cocktail. The practical me sets that aside because she did cheat. She did choose OM over me. The fact that it appears to have not worked out as per the narrative she was feeding her friends isn't my problem. When we met that once in Nov 2016 and again when I last talked to her in Jan 2017 she refused to say whether she wanted a divorce or not. During the settlement meeting she - and I think honestly - indicated no interest at all in divorcing me.

My own opinion is that she both has never abandoned the idea of me as a Plan B and also doesn't want to be the "bad guy" who pulls the trigger.

Originally Posted By: dream
How was the Maple Syrup festival? Did you see the bank teller there?
Sadly because of the ice storm blowing through this part of the world today the festival canceled the day. Since I do know my way around a kitchen, I made a nice stack of pancakes and sausages here. I suppose I need to figure out another way to connect with the teller outside of work. I also need to find some courage. I do think that it's pretty obvious to everyone that I at least am interested in her because there are lots of indulgent looks that I get from her co-workers and other customers along with some less than tactful comments from her co-workers which I take with good humour. I perhaps need someone like you to sit on my shoulder and guide me wink

Originally Posted By: dream,job,DnJ
As far as the quilt
My current thinking for the quilt is to pack it away in a vacuum packed bag for now once the weather gets warm enough to take it off the bed. I would lean more towards gifting it to my son rather than my daughter. There are a number of Amish colonies in this area so I may reach out through my family to them to see about a replacement. I'm thinking that I can perhaps get one made for about $500.

Well - time to clean the cat boxes and start supper. I have some nice steaks out for S23 and I. Perhaps I "would" make someone a nice little wifey some day as one of my friends tells me. The bank teller - I have been assured by her co-workers is an amazing cook though.


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Hello everyone. Well - Today's the 2nd anniversary of when I found out that my ex was cheating on me. Looking back, I've come a long way although I do still struggle.

Thanks to some friends who talked me down off the ledge I managed to avoid reaching out to my ex yesterday. The trigger for me in addition to today's "anniversary" was that she hadn't picked up the payment due on the 15th that I made on the 14th. She picked it up last evening without my assistance 2 days later than expected. Once the urge hit to contact her I also started adding on other "legitimate" things that I "needed" to talk to her about. As I was pointedly reminded - she fired me from the job of making her life run smoothly. I've fulfilled my legal obligations and can prove it if necessary.

I find that each of these hurdles that I sometimes leap and other times crawl over make me stronger.

I did find it odd when my ex picked up her money as it would have been in the middle of a very exciting playoff hockey game of her guy's favourite team which had also become her big passion even though she hasn't been a booster of them on social media this year like she was last year.

It would be easy to speculate on why she delayed to accept her support payment or why she seemed to have available time when she could be expected to be otherwise occupied and yes I have ruminated on it or why the final paperwork is now over 2 months late. It doesn't matter though except for the last bit.

It probably doesn't sound odd to any of you but I do feel that I have indeed taken another step. Being dragged back but stepping forward feels good. I don't fear an unknown future. I know that I will continue to struggle and I have a lot of rebuilding to do. My ex doesn't know what she's missing.


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Andrew,

You are doing great! You came here to try to save your marriage and learn how to detach and let go in the process. You've learned to listen to the good/bad advice and then decide what you can use in your own situation. You've continued to be a shining star and a man who has been giving golden advice to others along the way. I may not always post to you, but I do read your postings and nod my head and say "yes" to many of the things that you write.

Keep up the good work!


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Hi Andrew!!

I agree with you on the subject of your daughter meeting OM will be akward. Will she be staying with you and your son for this trip?
If so, i would suggest a compassionate approach for your children. Let them speek freely without asking questions about your stbx and OM.

You are progressing very nicely.
Like Job, i also read all your posts and you do have a voice of reason. You have great advice and you show alot of caring toward the recipient of your words.

A bientot mon ami! smile

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Andrew - I can relate - I no longer fear an unknown future and I am rebuilding


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Thanks for the visits all.

Gordie - bummer that your posts for some reason aren't coming up. I usually hit the preview button a few times to check my editing and haven't had a problem yet. Hope you are doing well. You are on a very tough road.

exquisitetobe - Merci mon cher ami. There are no firm plans in place for my D to come up for a visit this summer. She has a lot on her plate right now with having to give up her sweet dog (complicated), her husband going on longer and longer cruises pre-deployment, passport issues etc.

If they choose to stay with me if they visit they are more than welcome. I'm working hard on having my ex be "someone I used to know" which being no contact with no triangulation with the kids is probably the wisest path. They plainly know what I think of what their mother did and that I have a low opinion of OM. But they also know their duty and will do it. The burial of their grandparents is one of those duties. It must be tough on them for lots of reasons although they weren't very close to their grandparents on either side. They've been careful to not express any specific opinions about their mother and her actions.

I hope you have the good weather coming your way that we will have here in the "brown South". My vegetables that I've started inside are sprouting. I'm really looking forward to the nicer weather and sitting in the backyard with a bonfire and frosty beverage or on my bench at the front with a good book watching the world pass by my front door. That is still probably several weeks away though. I still have a few inches of snow everywhere.


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Journaling:

It's times like this that I really miss having a partner. As some of you may know there was a mass killing today in Toronto. In a completely different part of the city from where I work but still far too close.

I'm left to try to process this alone and it's difficult. Looking back on my marriage I don't how much help my ex would have been during this. She would get angry at me when I would be down and never did know how to lift my spirits.

It didn't help that I was already feeling down after the highs of Saturday. I self-medicated this morning with a couple of chocolate glazed doughnuts which boosted my "happy carbs" and that was before this tragedy.

I just feel rather numb. I want to help but there's nothing I can do. Because of a suspected heart attack a good number of years ago I'm not allowed to donate blood. I "am" an organ donor. I support a number of charities at least one of which I expect is involved in supporting the victims and their families.

I just don't know.


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{{{{{{{Andrew}}}}}}

My friend, I am so sorry. We in Boston understand, given our own recent history of this kind of madness.

Andrew, prayer is always something you can do and I believe it does help.

much love xoxoxo


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Andrew,

I, too, understand how you feel. I was so sorry to see the news yesterday afternoon concerning the mass killing. We just experienced last month a shooting in our local high school which involved the killing of a teenage girl, another teenage boy and then the shooter killed himself. When these types of tragedies take place in our community and near us, it shakes us to the core.

As bttrfly mentioned, prayer is always something you can do and it is a very powerful tool. My thoughts and prayers go out to the community in Canada.


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Andrew, we are with you...you aren't totally alone. Please remember that we are all thinking of you and praying for you on a daily basis.

We cannot make sense of the craziness that these people are going thru when the snap and take a life or many lives. It doesn't make sense at all. They are sick and definitely need help.


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Well - I seem to be journaling and such more than I expected to. It helps though as I work through things. I appreciate the kindness of those of you who are "playing the home game" and following along.

Thinking of the cohort of people that came here around the same time as me, there's only a couple of us left who post regularly. Perhaps we're stuck in some fashion? Perhaps we're bored? I think most are divorced and moving on with their new lives with this all behind them. I believe myself to be among the "stuck" ones.

Some of the recent conversations around dating got me thinking about my own situation and the lack of dating activity. I think I'm the @ss in the fable of the @ss who starves between two bales of hay. I'm sure I could find at least one person who might agree to call me that particular equine wink The fact that I may actually have "choices" is part of what I struggle with I think. I can easily think of a half-dozen women who I could ask out (no clue if they would say yes) but haven't. My single date was when she asked me. I wish some of the half-dozen were perhaps forward like that. It would simplify things for me.

I've made a decision to try to push things forward in my situation with an email to my ex next week CC both lawyers. I've attached a draft letter below. I'm going for BIF - Brief (for me) Informative and Firm. I'm very reluctant to do this as no-contact helps me heal but I need to shove things along somehow and my lawyer has been pretty useless. I perhaps could / should run this via the lawyers but I want to keep the spend down and have doubts if my lawyer would actually bother to send it. I have no idea of how much of my retainer is left but know that each and every bit of correspondence costs me. My front porch roof is leaking, my bank account is into the line of credit. I can use whatever pennies I can find. I expect that if I just sit passively that nothing will happen.
Quote:
[ex wife name]

As per our written agreement dated 13-Nov-2017 paragraph 6.1 please find attached a copy of the paid life insurance statement. I am unclear as to whether I have an obligation to send this to you every year or not. If you wish to see this annually please advise me.

As a reminder, per our verbal agreement of 12-Oct-2017 you have until the end of this month (May 2018) for the final removal of any plants or cuttings you wish along with whatever unused garden ornaments that you may want. I expect that some of these have sentimental value. Please coordinate this with [S23] who has acquired some facility with a shovel in recent times I am sure. I will provide [S23] with guidelines around what can and can not be removed.

Finally, as per our written agreement dated 13-Nov-2017 paragraph 25.1 you were to proceed with finalizing the divorce within 20 days. I have received and acknowledged receipt of form 8A – Application for Divorce – File number FS-18-012 but believe that form 36 – Affidavit for Divorce and form 25A – Divorce Order are still outstanding. In repeated contacts to my lawyer they were unable to provide information as to the status of these forms which I believe should have been filed / completed 5 months ago. I have not as yet investigated what recourse is available to me if those forms are not filed and hope that is not necessary.

If you have any questions, please contact me either directly via email or through my lawyer.

Andrew


I recently gained some minor intelligence into the life that my ex is leading. SIL1 is a bit of a sleuth and identified that her car was up at OM's house for a period of time recently. Enough that snow accumulated on and behind it. I expect that they were off on some sort of vacation. Just after that though, I saw her car parked at her apartment. This repeated again this week where SIL1 saw the car on my ex's day off through the day but I saw it early the next morning at her apartment. This doesn't hurt (much) and I know is just a version of pain-shopping for little result. It does set my mind at ease though to know that her relationship continues and that it can be expected that she has no desire to "return home". Why the divorce is still stalled is somewhat of a mystery and it's not worth putting on the mind-reading turban. One of the cats is having a snooze in it right now anyway.

I do though at times wonder what she thinks of her current life. She is (probably) living alone in her apartment surrounded by piles of boxes and furniture seeing her much older "boyfriend" occasionally probably with no more status than that of "side piece". Her social media is silent. I do know that she actively reads and recently wished SIL1 a happy birthday. She can't directly see mine nor I her's as I have her blocked. If she wanted to she could see what sort of an exciting life I have wink It's the life she used to have. Occasional nice vacations, visiting my children. She gave up a nice(ish) home, a loving family, the respect of the community and friends for the life of a hermit. And this is a woman who was never alone for the first 50 years of her life and couldn't stand to be alone.

I do know from her former friends that she had dreams of a comfortable life with OM and his money and bragged about how much he got in life insurance from the death of his wife (classy - I know). The current theory among my circle is that he has gotten the sensible advice to not let this much younger woman get any sort of legal hold over him or his estate which includes an active business.

I did run into the husband of one of her best friends at the gas station earlier this week. He didn't notice me until I said "hi". We chatted a bit and slightly uncomfortably. I mentioned that it was hard to believe that it's been about 3 years since my ex started seeing her guy. He was a bit surprised by that and said that he thought it was only one year. I assured him that they had been seeing each other for about a year when I found out. I was (slightly) surprised that he wasn't up on the details since his wife had been one of my ex's confidantes and supporters while she was carrying on her secret affair. The man muttered something about @#$% cheaters and suggested that I feel free to stop by his shed for a beer any time I like. I thanked him and said that I might. (I probably won't - a bit too awkward). He did say that he hardly ever sees my ex any more and that when he sees her it is usually at her store and she's always complaining about how hard she has to work. I wonder if she misses me being the audience / validator for all that complaining wink

Am I still a Plan B in her mind? I have no idea. Hopefully my letter will push that along to free me from the possibility of that role in this drama.

Well - time to get along with my day. I had dinner last night with a dear friend and listened to her vent about her troubles while I provided drinks and lit her cigarettes. I'm off for a fresh haircut, then to the bank, groceries, flowers. At lunch I'm trading some tech support with the lady who runs the bake-shop for a freshly baked cookie. Not sure what dinner will be today but am thinking Sunday of doing up steaks for S23 and I. I may also try to make a "mug cake" from a recipe from a favourite food blogger called Love SWAH who also did up the single serve pancake recipe I use.


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Hmmm - ANSI instead of UTF-8 which did not post. Exact same text all originally entered in to the textarea box. No error / warning messages. I used the "preview" button a "lot" as usual.


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Hi Andrew!

Have you checked with the courts to see if they can help you find any information on the filing of the divorce? Perhaps they are the holdup in this process. For me, I had to wait 6 months from filing before I could finalize the divorce. State rule. I don't know what the rules are for your area.

Your letter is a bit wordy. Here's my version-

Quote:
[ex wife name]:

As per our written agreement dated 13-Nov-2017 paragraph 6.1, please find attached a copy of the paid life insurance statement. I am unclear as to whether I have an obligation to send this to you every year or not. If you wish to see this annually, please advise me.

Per our verbal agreement of 12-Oct-2017, you have until the end of this month (May 2018) for the final removal of any plants or cuttings you wish along with whatever unused garden ornaments that you may want. Please coordinate this with [S23]. (I will provide [S23] with guidelines around what can and can not be removed. --- not sure why this is mentioned, it seems unnecessary, but maybe you have a reason)

As per our written agreement dated 13-Nov-2017 paragraph 25.1, you were to proceed with finalizing the divorce within 20 days. I have received and acknowledged receipt of form 8A – Application for Divorce – File number FS-18-012 but believe that form 36 – Affidavit for Divorce and form 25A – Divorce Order are still outstanding. (If you could mention that you verified this with the court, I think that would be good. Something like, "I consulted with Such and Such Court that these documents have not been filed as of [whatever date]." If you find the documents have been filed, I would omit this completely. If they have not been filed, she is in violation of the agreement. There should be something in the agreement as to what will happen if the agreement is not followed. I would then mention whatever that is.)

Andrew


Hope this is helpful! smile

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Thanks for the input dream. I know myself to be excessively wordy and to ramble on (insert Foghorn Leghorn cartoon reference here although you may be a bit too young for that smile )

I mention that S23 needs to be involved in coordinating the visit to keep her from going too far in her "shopping" and to - hopefully - prevent her from bringing OM with her. With her knowing that S23 knows that she is supposed to come by then perhaps it may actually happen. Even though they hardly ever see each other (I believe) they will probably see each other on Mother's Day.

Here in Canada the timeline for a "normal" divorce is that after 1 year of separation you can file the application which then has to be served on the other party. They have 30 days to object and if they don't then the last two forms can be filed. The court then checks to make sure that everything is fine and then mails out the divorce order. The last step can take between 6 weeks and 3 months.

As of the last email from my lawyer a few weeks ago they said that they contacted the other lawyer and that nothing had been done. Even though my mind reading powers are not to be trusted I did live with this woman for more than half of my life. I know that she is a procrastinator who avoids doing anything difficult or stressful. Combine that to the fact that she was certainly "branch-swinging", keeping me twisting in the wind while she was making sure of her place with OM just in case she needed to swing back, she may well be reluctant to let go of what she may believe to be her reliable Plan B. I remember her talking a few times that she believed that people should never quit a job unless they have a new one ready to jump to.

Personally I believe that she will never get her "happily ever after" from OM but have been wrong about lots of things in the past. It's been 3 years now though and she's not moved in with him even. Maybe she's happy with the way her life has turned out but I doubt it. On the video clip I have of her from her last trip through the house she seemed consumed with rage. Perhaps at how things are so "unfair".

Will she try to turn back to me? I've never given her any reason to not believe that she can't and she must know that I'm still not even dating much less involved with someone. I expect that when that happens that she will be pretty upset.

And to answer the question "would I take her back"? I'll give the answer that I've given lots of people that may or may not have gotten back to her. I can't imagine her doing what it would take for me to ever trust her again.

I've used this analogy before. In some ways we are maybe like two dogs both staring at the same bone that neither wants but we also don't want the other dog to have it.

(Mind reading alert!) She wants OM and a comfortable life that would justify the pain that she has gone through. I think she gets enough crumbs from him to keep her hoping and connected. He gets a piece of tail occasionally. She knows that I'm right here where she left me and probably has no idea how much I've grown and learned in the last 2 years. I don't want to file for divorce because I wish to (to be honest) punish her by making her do that unpleasant task because this was all about her choices and not mine. Petty perhaps.

Oh - and if anyone involved in the debugging of the forums is watching, I see that there are extra characters in the quote dream posted above that weren't intentionally put in my original post.

dream - thanks again as always for the visit and help. I hope you and your boys - the tall and the small are getting the fabulous weather today that I am here. When it warms up a bit I'm going to unseal some more windows and get some fresh air into the house. I've got a couple of nice steaks out to thaw for dinner tonight for S23 and I. Lots of stuff to do around the house and yard today but will still have time for a walk and a bowl of soup for lunch.

My life may not be as rich as I might like, but it's a good life.

A bien tot


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Oh Dream - I forgot to respond to your last question. I was in the middle of making my breakfast when I posted last and this might be interesting to others.

One thing that surprised me in the separation agreement is that it clearly states that the clauses are "severable" which is unheard of in the commercial contracts that I'm more familiar with.

What this means is that if there is non-compliance with one clause that the others stay in force. This is smart because it means that someone couldn't justify stopping support if they have a quibble about something unrelated.

In my case the only recourse I would have to enforce the clause would be to take her to court. Which would cost me a lot more than just filing myself and a lot more than nudging her to do what she (reluctantly) agreed to. I can't for example stop sending her her monthly payment.


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Andrew,

It seems to me that your ex has things where she wants them so what is in it for her to do the filing to complete the divorce?

You say you know she is a procrastinator and does not do things like this that may cause stress. You also state that you want her to do the filing ( kinda as payback). It seems to me that the best payback you could give her is to file the final papers to complete the process. Think about how it will feel to her to get the final notice? She would realize she has no control at that point. It would let her feel a bit of what you felt when you found out about OM and also when she did the initial filing and you received the notice. I would look at this as the ultimate response you can give and would free you to move forward by taking control.


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Andrew, you described yourself as an @ss between two bales of hay, unable to choose, but the thing with dating is that you don't have to choose.

It's perfectly acceptable to ask one woman out for a date on Monday, another on Wednesday, another on Saturday.

In fact, that sort of casual dating is much less likely to result in a rebound relationship than picking one woman and only dating her.

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Some people see divorce as just a bit of paper. In your case though, I suspect this divorce is hanging over your head like the sword of Damocles. You can cut the thread or you can wait for it to snap. Either way you are going to end up divorced.

My answer to the people who ask me if I'd take my XH back were he to ask is very similar to yours. I really, truly don't think he has what it takes to make it possible. Also, like you, I worry that I am stuck somewhere in the healing process and need to move on.

These two facts should make it pretty clear that we need to do things for ourselves to move along, and I feel that you have the perfect opportunity to do so. If you are happy enough to do it, and you can afford to, I think you might just find serving divorce papers on your W a lot more satisfying than you thought possible.

When you think about it, one of three things are likely to happen:

1. Your W gets jolted back into reality, works out what she wants and decides it's you. Unfortunately, she is rubbish at doing hard things, so whether she stays away or moves towards you, you get to make a choice about your life.

2. Your W gets good and angry, feels humiliated and decides you're a cad. You might feel a little upset about that, but nothing between you will change and you got to make a choice about your life.

3. Your W doesn't care one jot. You might feel a little upset about that too, but nothing between you will change and you got to make a choice about your life.


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Been following Andrew while I hid out from posting. Sorry you are a bit down, but we all have those cycles, then they make a turn for the better. I still cry way more than I wish I would and way more than he deserves.

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Hi Andrew,

Wow, yes, close to Toronto. I can't imagine, as my feed was fill of friends "checking in" safe. I hope you are doing as okay as you can after such a terrible community incident.

I'm a huge fan of encouraging others to date! Ask her out! Ask them all out! It's okay if you're not ready for a full-blown relationship - just make sure you mention that by end of date 2. Maybe you find another re-bounders or someone who is okay with being the for-now person. As long as they're making an informed choice, that's A-Okay. If nothing else, you get to see how your interactions with others have shifted through this and possibly make some new connections, platonic or otherwise.

Do you want to be divorced? If so, maybe you could update your letter (if not already sent) to say, "If the papers aren't filed by X date, I will file them myself as I am in a place where I need this process to be complete." From a trauma-informed place, DOING something is way better for you in the long run so if you want it done, go ahead and set a limit. What's she going to do to you anyway? Are there any potential negative consequences that would cause you difficulty?


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Journaling (yet again)

I talked to S23 last night about escorting his mother when she comes to get her plants. He agreed. He seemed to be having a bad day and even had a touch of panic attack. I thought it might have been due to problems at work or with my request. He didn't want to talk about it and I didn't press. He did thank me for asking rather than instructing. I did make it clear that it was optional.

I expect it was because today is the burial for his grandparents - my ex's parents which I didn't know was happening today. She and OM pulled up on the other side of the street a few minutes ago to pick him up. They would know I was here - I've been leaving the car out of the garage and usually am working from home on Wednesdays. I'd noticed him getting dressed up and suggested that he take an umbrella - chance of heavy rain today. I thought he might have gotten a shift at the restaurant. We regularly do the "don't ask - don't tell" thing especially about his mother.

Poor guy - this must be tough on him. I wish I could help but this is something he has to face on his own. He has a safe place and a loving parent here though.

The ex is perhaps having an extra crappy day today because I also sent my email with a copy of the receipt for the insurance. It didn't invite contact, just stated the facts. Thanks dream for helping me trim it back. We all know me to be far too wordy.

It's unfortunate that D25 wasn't able to be here for the burial nor the funeral. That's got to be painful for both her and her mother although I'm sure D25 is glad to not have to face either her mother nor OM as yet. Her mother hasn't seen her since October 2015 to the best of my knowledge.

Sending the email sent me into an episode of physically shaking. I know that I shouldn't be afraid of that woman. There's nothing worse she can do to me that she hasn't done already but she was very controlling for more than half my life. It's tough to shake the reaction I have when I might "cross" her. Seeing her in the distance with OM sent me here to pour out my thoughts.

On a more positive note I think a lady from work almost asked me out yesterday. I was sharing with her my rather unfortunate results of attempting to make a cake in the microwave. At one point she looked really embarrased and asked if she could ask a question. After a pause, she asked a trivial and innocuous question about work.

My imagination may be getting away from me though. I've known her for years and we've always gotten on well. She did make a point of telling me once when I was teasing her about being young that she was 42. She is kind, compassionate, never married and I have no recollection of her having a serious relationship - which is something I would tease her about years ago when seeing her working late on Friday nights. Not that it's a real issue but it would be startling for people who would see us together is that she has a "very" dark complexion while I am so white that I probably glow in the dark. I do have very fond memories though of many many years ago getting a kiss from a lovely lady who used to be Miss Black Ontario and is now a relatively famous TV star who probably has little or no memory of me.

But - that's getting well ahead of myself. One step at a time.

I'm going to get a steak out for my dinner and try this which I found after searching for ways to use some self-rising flour I bought for my cake and turned out to not need. S23 will be happy to come home (eventually) to fresh bread as well I hope.

Originally Posted By: beer bread
3 cups self-rising flour
3 tablespoons sugar
1 (12-ounce) can of beer

Preheat oven to 375*F (190*C). Lightly grease or spray a 9 x 5 x 3-inch loaf pan with nonstick cooking spray.

Combine all ingredients, mixing well.

Pour into prepared loaf pan and bake for 50-60 min.

Options - adding garlic, fresh, chopped jalapenos and shredded cheese for a little variation.


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How is your son?

How was the beer bread?


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Hi Gordie. The beer bread turned out quite nicely. It had a consistency and flavour not unlike a scone or tea biscuit. I had a couple of "man-slabs" with my dinner. Still lots left over though. I'm not sure how well it will keep.

Amazingly simple though and the house smelled wonderful while it cooked.

My son got home around 5:00pm - much earlier than expected and appeared burned out - no real surprise. He didn't want any dinner saying that he already had lots to eat (probably at the traditional lunch after the funeral) and went straight to his room.

After a while I knocked on his door and gave him a tray of fresh cookies from the shop across the street saying "you've had a bad day - this will help". He was appreciative and also tried the beer bread later. Carbs always help my mood while endangering my waistline.

I think he's grateful that this is over and done with. For lots of reasons.

In part because SIL1 was curious and I was too I drove by my ex's apartment this morning and only slightly to my surprise OM's truck was there too. I expect she needed some extra comforting from a rough day burying her parents, being judged by her family and their friends (I'm sure many of them know of her cheating), and perhaps the email I sent requesting she get off her duff and finish the paperwork.

I expect it was a tough day on everyone. My ex had a practice of complaining loudly and bitterly about her relatives any time we went to see them (which was regularly) and then louder on the way back. I expect she had lots of reasons to do so this time. I do wonder if her secret illegitimate half-sister showed up. They were all afraid of this for decades.

Certainly no chances of her circling around in the near term if ever.

It sounds unkind, but I have always and still do wonder why OM is still hanging around her. She's not much of a prize with a bad temper, health issues, and a nutbar family. I fully expect that sex is rare and unenthusiastic as once she had me landed (after 3 months) that was the case for us. She's not even completely divorced and hadn't made any effort to be divorced until forced into it by me. On the other hand she may be putting out an effort (if you'll forgive the pun) to keep him hooked.

There are lots of mature, completely available women around with a lot less issues he could have picked except that she was the first in line when he was coping with the loss of his wife.

Sunk costs I suppose like all of us and I expect especially my ex.

I was telling my SIL army that in some ways I feel sad for her. This is (I presume) one heck of a mess that she is in. Lost her home and her family. Lost the respect of those around her. Has a boyfriend who hasn't made a commitment (I presume). The odds are certainly non-zero that she will end up alone and broke especially when my support payments stop as scheduled.

I did have a laugh this morning when I got an email from the Wyndam Garden hotel in Niagara Falls asking me to rate my recent visit. Well the last time I was there was in 2014 for my 25th anniversary so I expect she and OM where there being all romantic. The old me would have forwarded the email to her suggesting she sort things out. Instead I wrote my review and pointed out that it wasn't me, but instead was my ex-wife and the man she left me for and that perhaps they should contact her to update the contact info. I don't know if they'll do it, but I am sure that it would come as a start to her that I knew about her liaison.

Anyhoo - thanks again for the visit and perhaps try that recipe yourself. I'm sure with all your kids there will be no worries about left-overs and the alcohol would all be evaporated long before serving.


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Looks like I'm going to blow through this thread fairly briskly. I'm grateful though for a place to pull out my entrails and see what I can read in them. I should be focusing on cleaning the house right now or going for a walk before it rains, but I need to be here right now.

This is going to go in all sorts of directions - sorry.

I really feel like something inside me has changed and I don't understand it and I'm not sure I like it.

The weather yesterday was fabulous and I was able to satisfy some of my itch to get outside and do stuff. I nailed down some tin on the back porch roof that had lifted during the wind-storm we had on Friday, replaced the leaking outside tap and felt ever so manly (actually it was nice to do "guy stuff" for a change), weeded the main flower bed and got my laundry out on the line for the first time this year.

Sadly, one of the clotheslines broke dumping my laundry on to the lawn. S23 came out and we stared at things in a masculine fashion before we agreed that the failing part needed to be replaced and couldn't reasonably be repaired.

Something has changed with S23 in the last couple of weeks and especially since he attended his grandparent's burial with his mother and OM. He's become a lot more cheerful and chatty and - this sounds weird perhaps - less judgmental.

He wanted beer this weekend so he actually got up and we did groceries and errands together. He met the cute teller at the bank who is going to exchange fresh baking for the juicer that was bought in 2003 for $250, used perhaps twice and then put on a shelf. I did mention as we left the bank that I had been trying to work up the courage to ask the teller out and he seemed disapproving. Not about that particular person, but about me dating. I get similar messaging from his sister too.

I presume that both of them are in somewhat regular contact with their mother but expect that the conversations continue to be as my daughter said shortly after bomb-day "superficial" and that they have no insights into her plans, hopes or dreams.

For me, I'm completely convinced that she is still focused on building her life with OM and that as I wrote on OwnIt's thread, that any perceived hesitation in finishing off the paperwork is a combination of a reluctance to face anything difficult along with keeping her hooks into me as a plan B.

She's not coming back and I'm not waiting for her. I don't know if the kids have thoughts of her coming back or not. It's one of the "boundaries" we have where we don't talk about their mother. She and OM are still "together" albeit as far as I know still living in separate places with occasional overnights. Perhaps that is what they are both wanting. A lot of mature people have relationships like that but I can't imagine that being what my ex wants. But again - I've misplaced the mind-reading turban yet again and don't know.

A couple of things that happened yesterday have thrown me for a bit of a loop.

After the repairs to the clothesline were done and my tools and the ladder were put away, I took a look at the back flower bed. The roses from my ex's grandparent's farm are gone. I don't know when they were taken. It could have been any time since last fall. There were leaves in the divot where the plants were but they could have blown there any time. I have memory I think of seeing the roses this spring though but I'm not sure - it's one of those things that you don't really think of. I did send her that email on Wednesday advising her that she had until the end of the month but she maybe has already been and gone. A milestone. She would have no reason to ever set foot on what used to be OUR home and is now just mine.

I'm going to stick with the original plan though and not purge the garden ornaments nor dig up the plants I won't be keeping until June.

Another thing that happened yesterday was that after talking about it for a few weeks S23 took the spare desk from the front bedroom that I've used as an office for 25+ years that had been his mother's and moved it into his room. I'd kept some files in it and a spare couple of computers but it had just "been there" and not it's not. It was unexpected that he did that yesterday. I had told him that I was planning on doing a final purge of the house sometime in June and figured he'd wait until then.

With it out of the room, it felt empty. I knew that I should re-arrange things and take down for example the bulletin board that she used but felt overwhelmed. I'm part way through the process at the moment but am coping with the strangeness.

This morning bttrfly wrote
Originally Posted By: bttrfly
BUT: For the first time in a long time I started to feel again like I don't want to open up to someone. I don't want to get to know their people, their families, deal with dynamics, any of it.
I don't know if she meant it the way that I'm interpreting it, but for the last week or so and very strongly today - I don't see myself with a new partner. Thinking about dating the teller from the bank, the nice lady from the flower shop, one of my co-workers, all feels "messy" and "too much effort". The co-workers who I have flirted with I've been avoiding. This coincides as well with a noticeable and surprising drop in my appetite. Yesterday I had to almost force myself to make myself dinner. I just wasn't hungry but had only had a scone for lunch and a light breakfast otherwise.

I've got a good life as a single guy. It's not as rich as it might be, but in some ways is like my life was when I was married. Comfortable. But it also feels like a life without a purpose. I get up, go to work, come home, do the dishes. I cook, clean, putter in the garden, read a good book, listen to podcasts on history and economics (yep - I'm "that" exciting) and make bad jokes at my own expense. Oh and as Amy just reminded me, I pet cats quite a bit. If I was a widower, this is the sort of life I would have expected to have. My ex and I did talk from time to time about our lives if we lost the other and both felt that we wouldn't look for someone else. In part joking that after all those years of training someone we wouldn't want to start all over again wink I wonder how that's working out for her.

So - if you made it this far, congratulations. I feel a bit better going through this exercise. I don't know what I intended and wish I had someone IRL I could talk to and explore this with. My family and friends either want to talk about my ex or just tell me to brighten up and go find someone new.

Well - there's a pork loin roast in the slow cooker for dinner. The office is a shambles and needs to be put into order, there's dusting, sweeping, vacuuming and scrubbing to be done - some of which won't be done. And yes - there's ironing waiting for me. "A man's work is never done".

A bien tot mes ami


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Dude - you're showing symptoms of depression. You need to figure out what will help you with that.

As for your adult kids and their resistance to you dating - it doesn't necessarily mean anything about your ex. Kids just have trouble visualizing their parents dating (and certainly don't want to think about their parents having sex! ) They'll get over it but I wouldn't discuss your dating life with them unless you find yourself in a serious relationship. Heck, my adult kids didn't meet any of the men I dated for the first four years after my divorce.

You're much too young to be resigning yourself to a life alone. But you might not be ready to date yet, and that's ok - we all have a different timeline for recovery. What you do need though is a new focus in your life - some challenge to distract your mind and get you out in the world. I took up playing the drums at 52 and it was the best thing I ever did. What have you wanted to learn or do but marriage or caution held you back? Go for it!

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Andrew

I am glad KML just said that

I too am worried about you

What worked for me

Friends

Counseling

Faith

Work

Kids

Hobbies

Exercise

What works for you?


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Tell your family and friends

Please do not ever talk to me avout ex again

It is just too painful

They will back off

Or you will stop talking to them


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Andrew, grieving take as long as needed. You' ll have strong days and you' ll have hard ones.
You are processing and moving along.
Dating?? I am in no position to say anything about the subject.

You are a great man and you love pies.. common, who would not have a piece?? Lol
Stay strong.. the ice is melting and the boat will soon hit shore!
(( Andrew ))

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Andrew,

Each person grieves differently. Some take a long time to heal and others a shorter period of time. You can't force/rush the process. You have to work through it and not side step it as it will come back to bite you when you least expect it.

Maybe it's time to venture out of the your comfort zone and pick up a new hobby, join a group for bird watching or some other such thing.

You will know when you are ready to begin dating again. It's one step at a time.


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The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Originally Posted By: kml
Dude - you're showing symptoms of depression. You need to figure out what will help you with that.
Thanks everyone. I've been indulging in some extra self-care. A few more carbs, walks in the sunshine. I just finished changing the oil in the snowblower and lawnmower. Doesn't sound like self-care but it is to me. Things I like to do.

This weekend I expect to be hard. I would presume that S23 will be spending much of Sunday with his mother as it is Mother's Day here in Canada. We've not talked about it. If I recall last year - which was shortly after he'd moved home - he had a short visit over dinner with his mother. The year before I was busily drinking up the waters of De-Nile.

It's not that though that will make it hard. Last year I was still in a WTF - haze. This year, it's hitting me - I will be going through Mother's Day without any sort of Mother to celebrate. I lost my own a fair number of years ago. I'll think of something to keep myself busy and plan on a solo dinner at home. I don't want to face restaurants full of happy people celebrating.

In hind-sight it was mostly me that pushed celebrating the various days of the year anyway. And this is the only one that is problematic and perhaps only for this last year.

SIL1 had an interesting theory about the Mystery of the Shattered Wine Bottle. It is possible that it co-incided with my ex taking her roses. It makes a certain amount of bizarre MLC sense that she would take the opportunity to snoop around the house at the same time. It seems to happen in a lot of the stories I've read that the WS keeps tabs on and is suspicious about the BS.

The amount she is watching me etc is really irrelevant. I can't imagine her breaking in again though if she did - and yes - I've been wrong about lots of things.

And no - I'm not going to bother changing the locks. This place is easy to break in to just by ringing the doorbell and having S23 answer it or by sliding open a back window. I do have "very" nosy neighbours too.

I'm not worried about the dating thing. Even though I've been toying with the idea since forever, I feel no pressure either internally or externally to make those sorts of changes. My "work daughter" is encouraging me to ask out the lady from the bank though and suggesting ways to introduce the topic. She's a nice kid. The same age as my "real daughter" and smart as a whip. Surprisingly for a young lady from India she is very open and outgoing with an underlying strength that I admire. She fusses at me and encourages me to tell my long boring stories. I get a weird "hero worship" vibe from her that is a bit bothersome especially when I give her projects that are interesting and require her to stretch her skills outside her basic role. She's not a direct report but the management team in my department is essentially absent and I suspect I'm the most senior colleague she's dealt with having the most experience in my department. I don't think that some of the others take her as seriously as I do. She has buckets of potential and I expect won't be sitting in her current role for long.

Anyhoo - I ain't dead - now that I've named my issue, it's easier to deal with it. I recognize it as a form of grief which I am working on letting go of.


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
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Andrew, I'm heading for the third anniversary of BD and I can safely say from year 2 it seems to get better. I think the last time I cried about XH was a couple of weeks ago which for me is fantastic. I used to cry every, single, night. By 18 months I'd have one night a week where I didn't. By year 2 it was half the time. Now, I'm much better.

That doesn't mean I have stopped thinking about XH - not at all. However I think I'm getting some perspective now. I can see that whilst I will always, always mourn the death of my marriage and miss the person XH used to be, I can see little bits of hope for a life where I can be happy, truly happy, without him.

I never thought I'd ever say that, what with believing most of the time that I will never be more than the sad, beaten-up old woman I feel I am. There aren't too many people who know that's how I feel by the way, but that's what it is. Now I can see that whilst there is still much darkness I know there is, and will continue to be, quite a bit of light.

You are doing all the right things. You are doing you, and doing it really well. You know what doesn't work, and I suspect you're pretty clued-in to what works too. I predict the minute you dip your big toe into the dating pool, you'll find yourself surrounded by lots of lovely women. You're very wise to wait until you feel stronger - you're going to need it wink


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Well - holy cr@p!

I'm divorced.

The final paperwork had been filed already and before I nagged last week.

It was final on April 19th. The court clerk I called had a laugh when my first reaction was that I was glad I could get the rest of my retainer back to pay for roof repairs.


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
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Andrew

I hope thst is a relief to you

It seems like the waiting was a heavy burden

Peace


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
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Hi Andrew

I hope now the waiting is finally over you will find peace

Not using any punctuation in case I blank the post

Sending a cwtch your way

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This is crazy how long these courts and lawyers are taking to notify people of such a big happening.

It sounds like you are in a good place with it. I hope to hear more on how it feels as you begin to process it. I expect it is some pain with a lot of relief mixed in.

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Well then....now that you've had a moment to process - how do you feel?


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Andrew,

I am sorry you are divorced, but now some of that "heavy, stressful burden can be lifted off your shoulders. Once everything has settled down, you will feel a huge relief and begin to find your footing as a single man once again.

You fought the battle long and hard, but sometimes, those battles can't be won. You are an inspiration to all who come here and I do hope that you will stick around when you have the time to chat w/us.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Just dropping by to send you a hug AP. This is no victory but I hope it brings you some peace.

(((AP)))


Me - 47
H - 45
D-16
M - 6 years
Separated - May 16

Don't leave me behind can't you see me I'm shining... (Years & Years - 'Shine')
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Congratulations on surviving this ordeal (not on being divorced; no one wants that for themselves or anyone else).

Andrew, this might bring up some stuff, or it may not. For me, and from what I have read a few others as well, the first year post D is revelatory on many levels, some painful, some happy surprises.

May your next 11 months post D be the start of a wonderful adventure. I wish you peace, health, happiness and love. xoxoxo


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
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Thank you all for the kind wishes. Yes the waiting was a heavy burden. One thing I've learned here is that letting things unfold is not being passive and in many ways it is tougher than being active.

Weird dreams last night. The first one was a repeat of the usual one where my ex would try to seduce me into accepting her back. Those are always difficult. The second was was odd. I was walking with one of the single ladies I know when she got ahead of me. I rushed to catch up but fell chest deep into a swamp. I struggled to get out for some time and when I did she was out of sight but checking myself, I had for some reason been wearing chest-waders and was clean and dry.

People (including my ex) used to believe that a fortune was to be made analyzing my dreams laugh

Hopefully I'll get the remainders of my retainer back shortly and Canada Revenue (who has very nice and cheerful people on the phones) assures me that my tax refund will be processed in the next few weeks. I've already put the word out that I'm looking for a new quilt (and a new roof).

Until later.


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
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I am wishing you much deserved peace.

And yes, that last dream is quite interesting. You will move beyond this. Time will continue to heal you and you will be stronger than ever.


Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13
BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself
BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room"
8/15: H back to MBR
10/15: H back in dorm room
1/18: H files, now divorced
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Well - I think it's time to move over to the other forum. This thread filled up a lot faster than expected.

I'm grateful that I have this place to "talk".

New thread - Verse 5
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2789736&#Post2789736


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
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Andrew,

Post wherever you feel comfortable in doing so. I'm just happy that you've opted to stay around a bit longer.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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