Hi everyone. I'm back from adventures in the US of A.
Overall it was a good trip full of hugs, laughs and love.
I took my time driving down to Virginia taking 2 days, spent a full day there on the 11th (my birthday) and then driving back on the 12th. It's over 1200km and took 15 hours on the drive back so not for the faint of heart.
I pushed to get back in one day because I had a planned dinner with a freshly discovered cousin on the 13th. She flew in from Alberta to meet her birth relatives for the first time. She found me and us through the Ancestry DNA testing which was cool. I had a nice visit with her and my other cousins and Aunt. One thing that was disturbing was a picture of my uncle on his own 54th birthday. He only lived a few weeks longer than that passing from cancer. I am now also 54.
March 9th, the day that I started out was the 2 year anniversary of when my now ex told me that she was leaving me but not why while we were on vacation in Mexico. Last year on this day when I was heading to visit my daughter was when pictures of her and OM on an expensive vacation were published. This year was quiet. It didn't feel as weird driving along for so long alone. I listened to some new Bossa Nova that I have plus lots of pod-casts. Stopped mid-way in Maryland and had grits and scrapple for breakfast the next morning. I expect that over time the anniversary of "bomb-day" will assume less and less meaning.
For my birthday my daughter and her husband took me on a tour of the USS Wisconsin and the Nauticus museum in Norfolk. I highly recommend it. It was fun going around the ship especially since my son-in-law is in the navy on an aircraft carrier and was like a kid bouncing around talking about the different stations and how they are similar and different on where he serves. He was especially moved by the fact that the Wisconsin had an on-board doughnut making station which his ship lacks. He's going to make a point of bringing that to the attention of others
There was roasted pork and freshly made cake for dinner and my son joined us via Skype with his own cake (which I arranged before I left) and the four of us had a lovely visit with much laughter and a certain amount of making fun of Dad.
During the visit there was very little talk of the kid's mother but we did talk a bit about my own continuing struggles and the future that I'm trying to build. One bit that caught my attention was during dinner when we were talking about a food preference that I thought both kids had and they responded "no that's Mom, who knows if she does that now or not". The way they said it sounded like the both don't hear from her much and also that they don't have a lot of respect for her or insight into her life. Sad.
The drive back was tough and long and powered by coffee, granola bars and some poor but probably necessary food choices. I'd done it before when my daughter got married but had my son and wife in the car to keep me company rather than being alone. I took steps to update the kids on my progress and we were all happy when I crossed the border again. On the last leg of the journey I recall turning that last corner towards home and feeling a leap in my heart like I used to get knowing that I would be soon home and in the arms of my wife. I had to smother that feeling 'cuz those times are over.
Yesterday was filled with laundry, sleep and the visiting mentioned earlier. While I was out S23 and a friend went off on their own adventures and I got home shortly after them. Oddly, there was a missed call on the phone. From the store where my ex works and timed shortly after her shift would have ended. There is no reason for anyone from there to have called the house. There was no message.
Last night while laying in bed I felt what was like a sharp blow to my back between my shoulder-blades - which made me think of being stabbed. Shortly after that I bit my tongue rather hard by accident. Despite being a scientific sort, I do believe somewhat in omens and portents. I checked with SIL1 and she said that there continues to be silence from my ex. No indication of her getting together with her guy, going on the vacations she always insisted on at this time of year, nothing. I would presume that if they'd broken up that there would be angst and drama being posted like she did when they broke up in late 2016 getting back together after New Year's 2017. There's no real purpose in speculating or trying to mind-read what's going on. It makes no difference to my personal reality.
I've still not received the final court papers on the divorce. They should be arriving any day now. They can take up to 3 months from when the documents are filed I believe. I've set this trip as a watershed moment beyond which I'll be more actively building a new life. I still don't know what that new life will look like. Right now, I'm still feeling "grey" and burned out. If my ex were to tap on the door, I don't know that I'd have the energy to do anything but turn away. That will pass though I expect as I continue along but I realistically don't expect her to ride up on a sparkly unicorn professing undying love and desiring to make amends. My future will be built with my own two hands and I don't see it involving her.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
I am glad you had a great time in VA and that your travels were safe going and returning.
I think I would check on the status of those papers. At least it would give you some idea where they are in the system.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
welcome home! your adventure sounds lovely and i do so like your SIL and daughter - I wish they were closer to you physically.
All I can tell you Andrew, is that in my experience this journey gets easier as the time passes. You've come so very far. It's ok to pause every now and then, reflect, rest then get back at this building of a new life.
If no one has told you this recently, I am telling you: I'm proud of the hard work you've done and continue to do. xoxoxo
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
Sounds like a great trip. Your future that you build...will be glorious.
So you think she tried to call you?
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
job - A month after my last email to them, my lawyer wrote to me yesterday. It appears that I am still legally married The other lawyer hasn't submitted the divorce affidavit to the court as of yet. Is it hesitation or just incompetence? I would imagine that lawyer doesn't think much of my ex after being lied to. Given the past actions of both lawyers I'm going to call it as incompetence. The email I received was of the "don't worry your pretty little head about it" tone and there's not much I can reasonably do except wait for my ex and her lawyer to put the forms in. It looks like it won't be until summer before I'm divorced now.
Gordie - It could have been a butt dial, she could have been trying to reach S23, no way to know. It is the first time that number has shown up on the phone since July 2016 though and it is co-incidental with her needing to sign that final document. No way for me to know. I try to use the old mind-reading turban but it hasn't worked right for a long time.
On other notes, I had a good talk with S23 the other night. We talked a bit about our futures. He says that he has a goal of moving out on his own before he turns 25. We both agree that he's got it pretty good here and that there is no "need" on either side for him to move out. We did talk about me dating and perhaps extending the family out with a new partner and kids. He seemed quite comfortable with that at least in theory. I did mention very clearly that I will not be fathering any new children. We both agree that I'm far too old for that as being 70 with a teenager would be difficult for all. I had been intending on starting asking people out now but with the legal stuff still up in the air it's not time yet.
I do occasionally have conversations with myself on how I would react if my ex did show up on my doorstep. I think it still comes down to my belief that there is no way that she would be prepared to do what would be necessary to regain my trust. I think I could get over the actual infidelity but the lies and abandonment would require some very hard work that I don't believe she would be capable of sustaining.
I forget where I read it but I quite like this quote. "Don't look back. You're not going that way."
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Re dating, go at your own pace. Don’t let your w’s actions or inactions get in your way. As always, you will be honest about your situation with any potential ladies whom you get to know.
Still snowy up there?
Peace.
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
If things continue as they are this well may not be my last thread. Being alone without someone who I can easily confide in leaves me with few outlets. I do have good friends and family around me but not "right here" which I'm sure everyone understands.
So - Good Morning from the land of hangovers and poor choices! Last night I filled up the final boxes of things to be donated and left them on the front step to be picked up by a local charity.
Years ago my ex had some of those wooden signs up over a bunch of doors downstairs on themes of family, love, friends etc. I had packed those in the boxes some time ago. On her last trip through the house she listed that she had taken them with a snarky note that they were "her's" because friends had given them to her. Whatever. I was surprised that there were 4 she left behind. They were "Love Simply", "Care Deeply", "Speak Kindly", "Love Generously".
Since I expected last night to be tough I enabled my poor choices by picking up some beer and pork pies (Hi Westo!) on the way home. I've been trying to cut back on high calorie comfort food but allowed myself last night. My poor choices were fortunately confined to drinking too much beer and eating a pork pie while watching a movie on Netflix. My ex has been off my contact list for more than a year to prevent really poor choices. S23 wandered by around 2:00am and probably was shaking his head.
I'm now down to some stuff from the garden and house that I still want to dispose of. Some will go to the dump in a month or so and some I'll see what I can get selling it.
One thing that bothers me a lot is that I'm having a tough time completely dropping the rope and moving on. I and SIL1 who watches my ex's social media for me still get wrapped up in WTF discussions which is what woke me up this morning. Today's discussion was around the delays in the paperwork being filed and if she is having second thoughts. From the outside things certainly don't seem to be going well for her. She's lost most of her friends, her parents died, and her own children have little if anything to do with her. Not being a mother I can't imagine abandoning your children but it does happen like in the case with Irish here. Given that it doesn't appear that she's still not moved in with her guy after all this time I would presume that's not going to happen. Since he's probably at least 10+ years older than her in at least his mid to late 60s I can imagine that he's pretty risk averse and has probably had sensible advice to not let my ex get any sort of legal rights to his estate. Perhaps they're perfectly happy with that situation but I can't imagine my ex being content with it. She had a constant need for validation and affirmation and hated being alone. I remember even relatively recently having to go in to the kitchen to see a stack of dripping dishes because she was so proud of "doing the dishes".
While our marriage wasn't perfect, no one's is. I had some bad habits as did she. She dealt with my hobbies with kind interest and I accepted her poor housekeeping and the way she would take me for granted and manipulate me as just "normal". We lived frugally below our means which I know bothered my ex from time to time but she was generally proud of how we pulled ourselves back from the brink of financial disaster by hard work, determination and team work. We were just beginning to live "the good life" she always coveted when she blew it all up.
I feel weak and if she were to knock on the door right now, I don't honestly know what my reaction would be. I know what it "should" be - to close it in her face. I've known even before bomb-day that she wouldn't have the humility and honesty necessary to reconcile. I can't imagine that's changed. I feel her absence only a tiny bit which living in the marital home is a pretty big accomplishment. I've not scrubbed her memory from here but there are few direct reminders of her around me. A stranger coming in to the house might find some notes in her handwriting in a drawer or some somewhat feminine touches here and there but that's it.
The reality is that I'm alone and single and that's unlikely to change any time soon.
On another note I did have a lovely and somewhat lengthy chat with a colleague at work yesterday. Her timeline is similar to mine but she still has to deal with her ex because of kids and financial issues. It's not very pleasant for her. She's also stunningly beautiful and rather reserved normally so I was a bit surprised at the length of our chat this time. There is no "chemistry" between us that I can detect and never has been but it was nice to have her open up to me a bit. She's a very nice lady.
Well - time to shower and get on with my Saturday errands. The sun is shining brightly and perhaps that will burn away the cobwebs that have been plaguing me for the last couple of months. Perhaps I'll pick up some potting soil and start seeds for my box-garden today.
A bien tot mes amis.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Don' t beat yourself up. Moving forward (moving on) does not mean get someone new. It means makung the best out of each day. Some will be good and some not.. the waves.. You have visited many memories. The memories will always be there as they were your life and for many years, she was part of it.
But you are still the writer of your story. The journey continues.
I would not be surprised if me and you meet in person someday. Once i relocate, you might be one of my day trip.(if you approve of course)
((exquisitetobe)) - Thank you for your kind words and support and gentle chastisement. There are times that I am sure that I am my own worst enemy. I knew that Friday night would be a bit tough letting go of those "things" and prepared myself for it. Things do indeed progress in waves. Earlier in this journey the highs were higher and the lows were lower. One of the things about my personality is that I tend to face problems dead-on and over-think / over prepare which is what I did Friday. I know that beer does indeed lead to poor choices not to mention far too many calories on a man who is trying to lose weight. I generally try to be moderate but from time to time am not. I am "unsupervised" after all
Last year at this time I was blessed with a much stronger support network than I have now. This included a very special person (non-romantic) but we had a falling out in the early summer and I let them go from my life. My other supporters have also moved on with their lives since I'm no longer in the same level of crisis as I was then. I know that I need to face the future and face it on my own two feet. I was reading some about the concept of "mid-life crisis" and had also been talking to a friend the other day who mentioned that evolution is essentially done with me. I will never father another child nor do I want to. My own children are grown and (largely) independent. In fact I have no one nor nothing that is dependent on me. Even the cats are fine as long as someone fills their food bowl If something catastrophic were to happen to me, my ex is well provided for and she is also no longer my wife nor my responsibility anyway. Don't worry - no plans for catastrophes are being considered.
My feelings about my ex are complex and I honestly don't really understand them myself. Thinking it out here I think that the best thing for me to do is to contact the local health unit to see if I can get an appointment with my therapist. I'll do that right after I finish this post. Since I don't understand and can't fix it myself I need to ask for help.
I never imagined myself to be in this position. Reading the "script" for a mid-life crisis, I'm prime fodder but have no interest in chasing after some ephemeral and shallow joy. It's been quite some time since I read Frankl's "Man's Search for Meaning" but the themes in there apply to people in crisis. And I'm not. I'm just bobbing along on the waves with no wind in my sails and no bearing on my compass. Reading stories about people who like my ex in many ways who have gone through what could be considered a typical MLC - things often do not end up well for them because they tend to consistently make poor choices.
Saturday was a generally good day. The donations were picked up by the time I got back from grocery shopping. The rest of the day was spent doing laundry, updating my book-keeping and some reading. S23 and I had a nice supper and I managed to cook the steaks exactly as he likes them. I usually have them more well done than he prefers.
Today should be another quiet day. I have my usual itinerary but may pop in to "town" because I forgot to get potting soil yesterday. Until I have the final papers in hand and hopefully have a clearer head I'm not going to look in to dating. Not that I have any expectation of a short chubby woman knocking on my door with an expression of remorse. In many ways I really hope that doesn't happen. I know a lot more about the human condition now than I did 2 years ago when everything blew up and know that while there might be simple answers, there are no simple solutions.
Thanks again for the visit equisitetobe. And who knows what the future holds? If you see a middle aged somewhat chubby guy wandering around a hiking trail with a heavy walking stick taking pictures of everything - say Hi.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
The other lawyer hasn't submitted the divorce affidavit to the court as of yet. Is it hesitation or just incompetence? I would imagine that lawyer doesn't think much of my ex after being lied to. Given the past actions of both lawyers I'm going to call it as incompetence. The email I received was of the "don't worry your pretty little head about it" tone and there's not much I can reasonably do except wait for my ex and her lawyer to put the forms in. It looks like it won't be until summer before I'm divorced now.