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Was he fully divorced when the 2 of you got together?

What is their custody arrangememt?

The things you are describing about your self dont make you controlling or a bad wife. They make you human. (Not many wives would allow an animal head in their home lol. )
He is gaslighting, gaslighting, gaslighting. Becausw he is not committed.

The things your husbamd said about his ex are things my ex would have said about me (not the sleeping) your husband was waiting for her to go back to work to leave her instead of working on their marriage? Huge red flag.

No court in the world would give a mom that slept 18 hours a day primary custody

My ex paints the same picture to everyone. Especially regarding custody. Truth is he didnt want it. He explains supervised nightine visitations as "i agreed to it so my ex wife would compromise" no one knows that he refused drug testing and he had mysterious bank withdrawals of 88 dollars per month in bad neighborhoods. He is clean cut, humble, quiet, and presents a picture of someone abused by a nagging, lazy, controling ex.

Hes painting this picture of you only thing is you are believing it.


M: 42
H: 43
Twins age 5
WAH in summer
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800 dollars per week not 88 dollars per month. I miss that edit button.


M: 42
H: 43
Twins age 5
WAH in summer
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KitCat Offline OP
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I found out my husband was legally separated when we met. I wasn't interested in dating due to that and managed to stave him off a couple of months. We ended up going out - best first date story EVER! I really wasn't sure I would go out again... but he was persistent. Our second date a month later was off the cuff and just as great. I wasn't in a rush as we both had kids and hectic schedules but another month later and our third date it was it for us.

Sure I had my doubts but I know he had been dating someone else prior to me and a little during our first dates that seemed serious enough that I thought his rebound relationship was out of the way.

I told him I wouldn't meet his parents until he was divorced but it kept getting pushed back as EW was dumped by her attorney, didn't have one so was going to just use same as my husband to suddenly getting another attorney. I eventually relented and met his parents and he ended up moving in with me a few months before his divorce was officially final.

Ugh - I know now that was probably not the ideal situation but we were so truly happy and really in love.

As for EW in the beginning I really took her side on things when I would hear my husband complain but I got a wake up call when she showed up at my doorstep and threatened to hurt my then 8yr old child. Over the years I have seen her behavior myself first hand and my husband did not exaggerate much. She used her kids in the divorce and even years later and my husband missed out on big chunks of time as she would tie things up in court with restraining orders years after their divorce.

My husband had both PA's and EA's in his previous marriage. He really struggled with divorce as he didn't want to be a part time parent. My understanding is she went and got him an apartment and moved him out of the marital home. I don't think it was as easy he walked out and never looked back. I think he ended up in a crisis center for stress and probably tried to go back to marriage? I inadvertently found a notebook that must have been a journal during that time - he was trying to figure things out and trying to look at the positives. Ultimately they may not have been on the same page at the same time? I don't think it was as easy to leave as he seems to have told me.

I'm sure this information is probably damagaing the chances of my marriage surviving my husbands "I don't love you anymore".

My husband has said he shouldn't have gotten married again. That he should have taken more alone time after his divorce. He should have gotten to know me better. Those words sting. He pursued me. He asked me to marry him. To hear now he sees it all as a mistake has me reeling as to what I could possibly do to help him see it otherwise.

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Honey

I think your H is wayward and cheating. The rest of it is gaslighting.

It's his pattern and leopards, spots and all that stuff.

Keep posting.

He has a mouth to say how he feels, he didn't. That's not your responsibility. It's his.

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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My husband is changing some our history but I left him feeling "starved".

I got a really rough to read heart felt text on where my husband is emotionally on Friday. He wants out - he wants to be alone. He knows I want him home. He says he keeps trying to tell me and he doesn't know what else to say.

I tried to validate that I can see why he is so frustrated. When I came home 30min later I didn't bring up the text. We started talking about a bill I paid and he got angry that I didn't listen to him. Apparently he wanted to watch me to be sure it was paid? That was difficult. I know deep in his heart he doesn't think I listen to him and that I follow what he prefers or wishes and I just do my own thing.

He opened up and said he is just so stressed out. He is completely stressed out. I can't say how many times he used the term stressed. The commute is killing him. I mentioned that I just want to send him off on a solo road trip to go clear his mind but he responds we can't afford it - we can. It would mean not meeting a goal of paying off something but we will be nor worse for wear. I can't stand seeing him feeling like he is under so much pressure.

In the last 2 months I've tried to get him to go to the Harley dealership with me. He used to try to get me to go and I would always try to skirt because the last thing I thought we needed was a $30k new debt. I've got him to look online with me once but he even just the day before says he will never take me to Harley dealership because I've never wanted to before now.

Suddenly after mentioning sending him on a trip to see an army buddy he gets up and says he is hungry. He asks how long I have before I have to get back to work - I've got time. He says you want to go the Harley dealership? Uhm... yes please.

We get to the dealership. He shows me types of bikes. He won't even look at the bike I could ride with him (he's not there anymore I guess) but looks at a bike that could make his commute more pleasurable for him. He talks bikes with the sales guy... I'm clueless but pleasant. He looks at a couple and then asks me more than once which one did I like? He wants my opinion??? What color do I like? I tell him. He agrees that he likes that one too.

We leave to grab some lunch and he is asking me again what color I like and I ask him what color he likes. We start talking about how much a payment would be and while waiting for lunch he says it doesn't matter I can't afford it now. I tried to point out it could put some joy into that commute and maybe we can't afford NOT to buy one. He says he still can't have a garden currently. And, I agreed. Not at this house I said but that can change.

I look at it as a positive day. He goes home to sleep and I go back to work. I get home in time to get him up and send him to work. Not much is said cause he is exhausted.

Today - Saturday he comes home just as I am getting up for work. I let him know I'm leaving and when I get home I'm surprised that he is still awake. I can hear he is on the phone... getting prequalified for a mortgage.

My heart sinks.

I try to remind myself he hasn't left yet.

I change my clothes and when he is off the phone I let him know I'm heading out. He asks where. I tell him I'm going to go test drive cars. He is confused and says why. I just reply that we have spent the last few months discussing this car and that. Not to mention he has been making printouts of vehicle specks. Every time he has wanted to go in the past I wasn't up for it. I've never ridden in a Challenger so I don't know its appeal. He is still caught off guard. I ask him if he wants to go. He mumbles something but I can see him getting up. I know he is hungry too so mentioned about grabbing something to eat again.

We get to the dealership. Okay - I know squat about cars. My husband is a car guru. He kind of hangs back wondering what it is I'm really going to do. I walk into the dealership and said I wanted to look at the Challengers... of course my husband says you don't have an SRT with scat pack to the sales guy. We go and walk to what they have. Again, my husband hangs back to see how I'm going to handle this. Of course not well... I'm like gee, its a car with 4 wheels! Yeah, I'm dumb. But I get into the car and I ask about a test drive.

Well we ended up driving 4 different vehicles. First was a nice truck! Second was a bigger truck. Husband took time to explain differences and why one was better than other on some things. The we drove the Challenger.... :-) My husband knows how to drive a car!!!! We were both laughing/giggling.

I know now my husband needs the truck. He would get into too much trouble with the Challenger. We both liked the same truck the best!

We went to eat. My husband has now been up for nearly 24hr - he is wiped out. So lunch is quiet. We talk some and he simply asks so new motorcycle and truck? I said well maybe not at the same time but why not? My husband works hard and deserves some nice toys! At lunch I order a beer... shocks my husband again as I haven't had a beer in idk 7yr?

On the way home he randomly asks "so will the NEW you be getting a tatto?". I smiled and said I don't know but I doubt it as I thinks it hard to decide on what I would want to look at forever. So he said I wouldn't put his name across my breasts? I said if it was that important to you I'd consider it. Its been a sore spot for some time that I didn't take my husbands name when we married. Don't get me wrong I take no offense in anyone calling me MRS. H's last name but I've gone by my professional name for 24yr now and changing it would have been a little problematic. Seeing now years later how hurt he is by it I wish I would have put more thought into it. I assumed he understood.

Anyway. He sees I'm doing things differently. Who knows if that is helping or hurting my stance on saving my marriage.

I wonder if the tattoo question was just to see if I would do anything he asked? Like I'm trying so hard to win him over I don't have a backbone?

My husband doesn't have a tatoo. I asked if he ever thought about getting one - he has but then he has always sobered up! Said one thing about getting one when he reached a goal. Lord help me I couldn't bring myself to ask him what the goal was. To be honest I was afraid I would find it hurtful or take it personally. I let the conversation go.

I get home and he is wiped out. He could have just crawled into bed but he returns to the kitchen to get undressed in front of me and when I make comments about flaunting something he seems to enjoy teasing me. He then starts grabbing at my pants and asking if they are yoga pants because they seem a little baggy at the hips. I remind him that I've lost a lot of weight but I'm not ready to go out and buy new work out clothing yet.

One thing lead to another and he notices that I'm wearing sexy underwear. I said I do everyday unless at work. Its one of my changes! :-) We have sex. Its not bad for a man who has been awake for 24hr. I tuck him into bed and leave to go to grocery store.

So he has now joined me twice in activities that a month ago he said he would't because I wasn't interested in before. He knows I'm making changes but again I know its not been long enough where he feels it won't revert back.

I think deep in my heart he is throwing me breadcrumbs and I'm trying to make a cake out of it. Point being the really harsh text I got where he wants nothing more than be out of this house and our marriage and today - trying to prequalify for a mortgage.

ugh...

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Be very careful.

You are right the 30k loan may end up being yours whilst he plays being a teenager.

I see manipulation.

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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No - he isn't going to stick me with bills.

Right now the only reason he hasn't already left is he wants to pay down some joint debt (namely house repairs - now down, and timeshare purchase that he wanted but we both regret).

He is trying to set me up to be able to pay all household expenses on just my income so he can leave and not feel guilty I couldn't make it.

We've had a role reversal. I was in charge of the finances and always said no and he balked at when I limited him and complained about budgets. NOW - he is trying to be cheap and not spend money, complains about what I spend at grocery store and is saying no AND I'm like if you want it (new truck, motorcycle) go ahead and buy it.

He is in the mindframe that life is too short not to live it which is why he wants to leave.

I realize the last 2 days are breadcrumbs.

I'm trying to back off and give him space. Last night he talked in his sleep almost the entire night. Wish I knew what he was dreaming of.

I'm tempted to ask that he show me the property he wants to buy but that is probably a bad idea?

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My husband isn't cheating that doesn't mean he hasn't thought about it. That I do know because he has told me he has considered it. He even went to say he thought about sleeping with someone else just to hurt me but he hasn't. With everything else he has been honest with I can't see him lying about whether he is cheating or not.

Now I will admit that the property he is interested in - yes that's his mistress.

I'd rather his mistress be a motorcycle at this point.

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Kitcat

You are the one here, the one that is important.

Standing and fighting for M is what is core to DB.

We can bend ourselves like pretzels and blame ourselves for everything that's wrong. Let the other have their toys etc, such things are distractions, conditions for decent treatment.

If you did this, or did that, changed this, improved that then our OH will love us, change back. If you are patient or loving or cave in then they will......

At this point your old R is over and by working on you then you work towards a new R with your H or another.

This whole process is about YOU, knowing that which can be worked on and that which can't. Concentrate on you and your children, that includes taking care of your fins, getting great L advice, building boundaries, limits on behaviour you will allow.

Ju is giving you very sound views indeed, they come from valuable experience. How you look after you and your interests is important for your future health and well being. This is a long hard journey to save yourself because you are the important thing for yourself and your children.

And clearly there is inconsistency a timeshare you both regret, but you were in charge? He is trying to set you up.

To what extent does failure to manage fins contribute to this?

To what extent were you really in control of your fins? Have you sought the help of a financial adviser?

Will you really have some say in the toys that might be regretted by future purchases?

Have you sought L advice on what exactly would be the position if you split?

To what extent do 'toys' fill a hole in your and your H soul?

Do you treat yourselves with purchases?

I ask these questions because these are the ones that seem key in this fin area. You don't have to answer you can say "no V" and that's ok.

My thoughts are that reality bites and it's better now to know your position than to be in denial, L advice and IC might help.


There are of course other areas although this one just seems obvious to me.

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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My husband isn't cheating that doesn't mean he hasn't thought about it. That I do know because he has told me he has considered it. He even went to say he thought about sleeping with someone else just to hurt me but he hasn't.
WTF?


With everything else he has been honest with I can't see him lying about whether he is cheating or not.

Now I will admit that the property he is interested in - yes that's his mistress.

I'd rather his mistress be a motorcycle at this point.


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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