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#2778776 02/15/18 07:42 AM
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KitCat Offline OP
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I need some sort of miracle.

My husband started acting different in November. He just seemed wore out but certainly not connecting with me. Married 7yr. His second marriage. He had 2 kids and I have 1.

We are a high risk couple. He has a 1hr commute each way to work to the town he grew up in and works in. He chose to move to my town with me and we married. He works 3rd shift and I work days. My commute is 5min. I know he hates the commute but lately its he loathes it. The plan had been the minute my son is out of high school we would move where he no longer had a commute. There is still 2yr left but he can't do it anymore.

He used to say he loved coming home to me. I made it worthwhile to him (several of our neighbors make the same commute of my husband.) He hasn't felt that way in a very long time. frown

I love my husband but somehow over time and with kids, drama with his ex, life in general and jobs my husband has come to feel rejected by me. He said he couldn't figure out what he had done and for awhile just thought I was angry and he left me alone. He started to hate himself being stuck here with this commute and feeling unloved by his wife. I'm gutted that I didn't have a clue he was so hurt. He even went to feel that I was having an A - but I thought I was loving and devoted to my husband. He felt rejected because I wasn't holding his hand or touching him and it even got to where I was pulling away when he was hugging me (I got self conscious about weight I had gained - which now I have lost in the last 2 months.) He thought I did not want him.

He started looking for houses to buy close to where he works. He said I should have had a clue already. Of course I took a good long hard look at myself and made a full apology. I was working to make changes and he could see that. At Christmas he was holding my hand again. Making gestures like getting a bath ready. The spark in his eye. He asked me to take it slow and that it would take awhile but he seemed on board.

I suppose because I realized how neglected he felt I went overboard with the touching and connecting. I called more on his commute. I texted more on his commute. He would say he was confused by the change in me and I would simply state I wanted to make up for lost time. I know at times it felt smothering to him. frown

There were too many times discussions ended back that the relationship and he didn't know what he wanted or what the future was going to hold. He told me I was pushing him farther away but I didn't know how to stop.

He said he felt betrayed because if I was able to do all these things now that made him feel loved that I should have been able to do them before. I know he is angry.

He is cold and distant now. He has gone from saying he doesn't have a crystal ball to know what the future holds and if we are still married to not wanting to be married. He states he doesn't love himself so how could he love me?

Of course I offered to move and change jobs. He doesn't want to ask my son to leave because he is so close to graduating high school it would suck for him. My husband has sacrificed enough for me. I told him I would rather live with him in his world than live without him in mine.

I've done my reading - and lots of it to work on my issues and how I let my husband down. I need some sound advice to try to turn this marriage around. No one is having an A. He is still here now and hasn't left yet.

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Welcome to the board

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

Yes first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

and Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htm

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!

Get out and Get a Life (GAL).

DETACH.


Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:

I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072

Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414

Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566

Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554

Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...224#Post2578224

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619

Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon


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Sorry you are here.

What is the history of your husbands relationship with his ex? What did he say was the reason that their marriage did not work out? What about yours?

It sounds like he is putting a lot of blame and responsibility on you. Usually when people di that its to alleviate guilt or gaslight.

Please put your son first in all of this. To move him to a new school when he is almost ready to graduate and when your commute is so close is complwtely unreasonable and something you will surely regret. Your husband new thw situation and to do this to your son in order to keep a man is just not right. And will not save your marriage.
Your husband is looking for excuses.


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KitCat Offline OP
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I had become a neglectful wife. I discovered when dating my husband he has a high need for physical touch - hand holding, cuddling, touch the back of his neck, rub the top of his head. Not that its sexual just he needs to be touched to feel loved. I knew this. I made a promise to myself when dating I wouldn't drop the ball and would make this a priority.

Married 7yr later with stress of kids and drama from ex we both became complacent, comfortable, each gained 30lbs... you know the story. During all that time I very found my husband very attractive and loved him very much. But, I stopped holding his hand every time he asked. I wasn't cuddling as much and sex became static and vanilla. I even started pulling away when he would hug me because I became self conscious/low self esteem with the weight I'd gained. Gosh, I didn't realize it but I became awful. I would shoo him away when he wanted to come rub my shoulders because I was reading something or trying to get myself together for work.

I swear I didn't realize I had gutted him. I just wanted a moment to myself and he thought I was rejecting him over and over. He would pick up take out and we would sit and watch tv. I would start to knit because it helps relax me. He would reach out to hold my hand and I would implore him to just let me knit. It killed him. To him I was rejecting his very core.

I have since come to a full apology and tried to get him to understand I didn't see how I had hurt him. Of course I've reached out more to touch, caress, hold. He even said a year ago he would have taken all the attention and eaten it up but now it just too little too late. He said he told me (though I just didn't truly "hear" him) and that my continued lack of giving what he needed meant I didn't care.

He is angry. Trying to start arguments over a can of beans or cookies which I don't take the bait. I know he is angry. I left him feeling so alone and rejected he started to dislike and hate who had become.

I've spent the last 3 months working out and dropping weight, reading self help books on why I did what I did and what can I do to repair a relationship that he doesn't want to work on.

A month ago it was that he didn't know what was going to happen in the future. Maybe we worked out/maybe we didn't to now he doesn't want the marriage.

He wants to be alone. He said he didn't spend enough time on his own after his first divorce though he pursued me - dating, moving in and marriage were all his call. He feels that I don't accept his desires in life - his passions. But, I do. I know my husband - he wants to be self reliant, he is a hunter/fisher, an avid outdoorsman. I love all those parts of him but he feels that I don't?

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Originally Posted By: KitCat

I love my husband but somehow over time and with kids, drama with his ex, life in general and jobs my husband has come to feel rejected by me. He said he couldn't figure out what he had done and for awhile just thought I was angry and he left me alone. He started to hate himself being stuck here with this commute and feeling unloved by his wife. I'm gutted that I didn't have a clue he was so hurt. He even went to feel that I was having an A - but I thought I was loving and devoted to my husband. He felt rejected because I wasn't holding his hand or touching him and it even got to where I was pulling away when he was hugging me (I got self conscious about weight I had gained - which now I have lost in the last 2 months.) He thought I did not want him...

He said he felt betrayed because if I was able to do all these things now that made him feel loved that I should have been able to do them before. I know he is angry.



this is what concerns me... you thought you were being a loving wife, and he thought you did not want him... could he be rewriting history to assuage his guilt? are you absolutely sure he is not interested in anyone else? i do not see what exactly he is angry about... the commute? you are willing to move, so how is this your fault? he felt rejected when you would pull away and such, but the only clue he gave you (and you missed--which i might have missed too) was when he started looking at houses? that could mean anything... that was not a good clue... he should have been upfront with you... personally, i don't believe what he is saying... i think he is rewriting things to make it seem like it's all your fault...

mis dos centavos...

--artista

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He is rewriting SOME history BUT he is not rewriting that.

Its true. We would be on a road trip and I would hold his hand but at times I want to chill and knit. He would reach across to hold my hand and I would say I just want to knit for a bit. He made statements like "you know one day my hand won't be there". Of course I did not take that to mean that he would leave me... I thought of more like = hey one day I may be dead and you will miss not holding my hand.

He would come home to put his arms around me and I would say - hey I got to go pee... seriously? What wrong with me?

He would come home early and crawl into bed and put his arms around me and I was -hey I just want my last 25min of sleep before I have to get up. AGAIN - what was wrong with me???

I would give anything for him to do those things now but he won't touch me. Says he never wants to touch me again.

Says he will never let me back in because he never wants to be hurt like ever. He will never allow it.

I see my mistakes. I've had my wake up call. I made some changes but he says he no longer feels the same.

He was by no means a perfect husband but I miss so many things and ache for them because while he may be here he is no longer present.

I'm certain there is no one else. He has said some very hurtful things and he swears honesty above all else and he assures me there is no physical or emotional A.

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Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka
that I totally agree with.

Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.

It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.

We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.

Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.


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Im sorry. He is so full of s...

You and him are acting like you cheated, or lied, or betrayed or stole. So you wanted some time to yourself. You are allowed independence. And a real marriage and committment looks past that stuff. He is gaslighting right now.

He is just not a committed person.

What happened in his original marriage? In yours? How did you guys get together?


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Did he fall out of love with his first wife? Was she abusive?


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KitCat Offline OP
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I was neglectful and not the wife he needed.

Now that he is filled with anger over not getting what he needed from me and then feeling betrayed when he did start to see changes in me that I am the wife he had desired, he is just checked out.

I was controlling at times.

He is rewriting history in that he feels he was trying to be someone else when he married me and now that parts of the real him are poking through I have rejected those... and its true and not true.

We had a quarrel about a year ago about having a deer head trophy hung and I said not my house. That was so wrong of me and I have since admitted that was terrible of me and he can hang a trophy anywhere he chooses. I never expected to have a deer head trophy in my house but he lives here too and it should feel like a home he wants to be in.

He has really come into his own with hunting. He watches so many shows and said he really wanted to butcher his own deer and I said no to that too. I just pictured the mess - I'm the primary home cleaner. I enjoy it comes from the butcher in nice neat packages we just pop in the freezer. I apologized for my faux pax there as well. I told him it was wrong. That I wasn't supporting his growth and my job as a wife is to help him become that true person he is. The next deer he would butcher here.

I prayed he would be successful this season and have his trophy so I could prove to him I meant it. I knows he feels this all too little too late. I love that my husband is an outdoorsman. I love that he is into motorcycles and wish he would have just went out and bought that Harley. I've sniffled my husband.

His first marriage was troubled early on but he stayed for the kids. She refused to work. She didn't keep a clean house. Slept 18hr a day. He was the sole provider and was taking care of the kids. He planned his departure over 5 years while she slowly attending one class at a time before getting her nursing degree. I think had she gone to work right away he may have stayed but she insisted after all those years in school for a 2yr degree she needed to take off 3months for a summer break before looking for a job. Once employed he left. She frequently with held his kids. He would show up for visitation and she would take off with them. Even years into our marriage she filed yet another restraining order which took 3 months to get into the court system and thrown out - but that was 3months he didn't see his kids at all. Lots of drama over the years.

Its so weird. My husband is finally a calm man in regards to all the kids and his ex-wife. Its peace I've been hoping for and I finally have it. Family dinners at the table area fun and relaxing. But, I lost my husband. In the last 3 months since this all hit he is further from me than ever.

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