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#2778663 02/14/18 01:45 AM
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Previous Thread:

....and ever and ever and ever

Thanks for the thread name, Job! I really have begun spring cleaning. Physically anyways, now time to do so emotionally.

Here is the last of my posts from my last thread.
Wow! I've Been taking in all your feedback while drowning in my work. I decided to take a break, have a bite to eat, and reply.

First, I gotta say. No wonder I am single. I am all over the place! I want to date someone, then when I get a chance, I analyze everything.... Seems by all the feedback, some see major red flags, or it's me who is reading too deep. I am either not giving enough of a chance, or too much of a chance. It would be nice to just to meet the one I don't have to question. Ha. See, me being so particular again. But yes, the abandonment has really really gotten to me, finally.

I have made an executive decision. I am going to go to go with the flow. When I really know it's not going to work, I will end it. For now, like UR said, I am going to live in the moment. It's just a second date. I also know my gut has NEVER been wrong. It's always simply been a matter of whether or not I listen to it. I will listen to it, when it is sure.

He's been really super sweet. He is a sweet guy. Maybe trying a bit hard, but I think a little more than just drinks will tell me a lot. He is also very respectful. Especially in regards to my daughter.

C-nut, I am rarely ever late except under extenuating circumstances. Never because I am taking too long to get ready, or something petty. I arrived 3 minutes late on purpose because I did not want to sit alone at the bar of a local pub waiting. I wanted to ensure he was there first.

Sotto, you nailed it. I can see if a guy is a racist, disrespectful overall, simply funny or downright offensive via FB. I don't look for any other reason.

I realize my guard is up more than it has ever ever been. I am in protection mode.

OH. I forgot to tell you. A guy finally went to ask me out kind of like how I would like it to happen. IN the bookstore! Sunday, I decided to stop in the bookstore and I felt this guy following me. He started talking to me. He was going to ask me out when I lied and said something about having a boyfriend. I give him much credit for trying. He was just not my type at all. I guess I got what I asked for, though, lol.

UR, I feel like I am doing the best job at life right now as I can do. I am, I am surviving, but I am oh so tired. I realize D10 does not rely on her dad for anything. I never have, but she is scared to ask him for any of her needs. It's always me. "mom, we gotta go get this, and go do that, and you need to email my teacher, get me more school supplies, new sneakers, new phone case, we need to study for this, and that....." She knows I am the only one who does this stuff. Sure, ex is good for taking her away to his friends house for the weekend. But doesn't handle any of the needs or day to day stuff. D10 AGAIN asked me to please talk to her dad about how mean he talks to D and OWW! I am trying to think of how to approach this (of course, OWW is on her own here) but the examples she gives shows me what an mean, angry, impatient man he still is. Of course I am happy I can be the parent who my daughter knows she can always rely on. But man, I feel like I just can't keep up.

I feel like I have never gotten my man-picker right ONCE. Now my daughter has to suffer for that.

I just wish I was a little bit more settled with a little but more security in my life. It's not the case, so I am just going to take it day by day, moment by moment.


D10 wanted decorations for Valentines day. SO I decorated the house for when she woke up and got her some small gifts and a card. She was really really happy. Then we wen tot our favorite bagel place because I knew they had heart shaped pink bagels, so it was another surprise. Tonight we have PT, but before then, she wants Chinese takeout. So that's our V day meal.

I became a little nostalgic over last V-day. It was really kind of awesome.

But maybe there is a new kind of awesome in store for me. Not a big fan of the holiday anyways.

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Pink bagels and chinese food with your daughter sounds like the best valentines day!!!!

I went through a slump these past few years during the divorce where i could barely function and it feels great being enthusiastic over a holiday with my son.
Last year i forgot to give him valentines for his classmates and just didnt even think it was important. This year little cards and rulers and chocolates for all the teachers and his specialists!

It felt good to care about the little things again.

Hapoy valentines day!


M: 42
H: 43
Twins age 5
WAH in summer
JujuB #2778706 02/14/18 08:44 AM
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Juju, I think that's great you can find the joy in the holidays again especially with your son. They really bring out the innocence and joy in the holidays. My daughter just lit up with the hearts all over the house where I wrote little messages on them. I am personally happy she is now in middle school and we don't have to do the valentines for the whole class though. But the club she is in in after care is throwing a valentines party today and she asked me to pick up conversation hearts, so I did. Happy valentines day to you too!

Well, it is nearing 4pm and this guy hasn't even texted. Quite frankly, I don't appreciate that. Some days I initiate the first text if I didn't reply because I fell asleep the night before, but I left it in his hands today, and nothing. He's losing points with me!

Work has absolutely been H@ LL!! With this new system everything has gone wrong and we are finding all the mistakes, working late, weekends, ect. I have to hear that woman at work that I cannot stand way too much now. I have never wanted to tell someone to "STFU!" so much as I do her. I would rather spend a day with OWW, than this one. That says a lot. Her friend is a manager of another department and I heard her saying to her " I can't believe your team left on time today, I told my team "if you are salaried, you aren't leaving on time" She did not realize I was still hear and I overheard her. Biotch has no clue what we have been doing. I have her a nasty look.

Anyways. I am a little testy today if you can't tell. A little sad, and very hormonal. All this is not a good combo. I can't wait to go get D10 an give her a great big hug.

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It's probably not my best idea to poke anyone feeling a little sad and very hormonal, but I'm going to comment anyhow. smile

I do this mostly from a guys point of view with pretty much any woman - not at all just you. I have the inside scoop from what you've posted here - which could help or could actually make it worse. But from just a guys point of view... We guys sometimes can't win! We are never sure because our actions might be taken the wrong way. It's Valentine's Day with someone we hardly know and have only had drinks with. So what do we do? I've heard you say/write multiple times now, that this latest guy (need a name for him) is trying a bit too hard. He's sweet but trying too hard - right? So now he backs off, is not trying as hard, to which now you don't appreciate that and he's losing points with you. He/we just can't win. If he would have had flowers delivered or something "big" (big for where you're at) he would be trying too hard and you'd have been turned off. So he's done nothing -.yet, the day is not over - and you're turned off while he loses points. We guys can't win. Can't be to much nor too little - it has to be j u s t R I g h t ! ! ! Lol

Keeping score? It's his turn to initiate the first text volley. Does he know this?

Can he win? Or is everything going to either be too much or not enough? So much for living in the moment and just letting whatever happens happen.

Now, I get it, I really do. It's much easier to say we are going to do something that is not in our nature to do - like living in the moment and not over-thinking - and much harder to actually do it, especially when we've done it most of our lives.

Sometimes it just seems like us guys can never get it just right. smile

I do still luv ya though G. Hope the daughter hug helps!


DonH
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Me 56
WAW-EXW 55
Met 11/95 / Married 5/00
Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06
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DonH #2778719 02/14/18 01:34 PM
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I agree with Don. A guy you just had drinks with once is on very thin ice when it comes to Valentine's Day. I don't think there is an appropriate message that wouldn't seem presumptuous or needy in certain lights; frankly if a guy I met once came on strong with the Valentine's day stuff I'd run the other way, so I'd give him a pass on this.

Cute stuff you did with your daughter, I'm sorry she's so affected by your angry ex. Do you think it's more useful to speak to him, or to OWW (gag)?

kml #2778737 02/15/18 02:08 AM
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It was just interesting how chatty he was the day before and how he chooses V-day to back off and send nothing until 6pm? (yes, he texted at 6pm). I didn't want anything from him at all Valentines day wise. He doesn't even know where I live or work.

Can he win? it really isn't a matter of winning or losing. I do think the choice he made was poor, but I don't really care. Maybe I really am a difficult person to date. Maybe it really is me. Could very well be.

Like I said, yesterday wasn't a good day for me, today isn't either. I am losing my patience at work and I am STILL very hormonal. And after all I did for my D10 last night in front of everyone at PT she took an nasty attitude because I wouldn't stop at CVS and get her chocolate which she was "craving". She did eventually apologize, but it did hurt.

Talk to OWW? I have thought about it. But there are a few risks I take with this. Her being scared to go behind his back. Her getting defensive because she will realize I also know what she is putting up with too. I honestly don't mind sitting down with her if I knew she would be receptive, but there are too many risks. I have to calculate this carefully.

Last night I got a group text initiated by FF's sister. To us girls from the gym. SHe sent a pic of the wine glass we got her. told her I was wearing my "wine is my valentine" t shirt. She said she was wearing her grandma robe and said "I don't understand how we are still single!" how does she know I am single? She told us how her aunt and uncle died. Very sad. We are all planning to get together again. Should be interesting.

Anyways, going to the movies with my friend tonight. Dinner with my dad and stepmom on sunday, date still stands for sunday.

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Ginger,

Interesting thread, thought id share my last week as its somewhat related. My attitude to dating has changed lately, not sure if its right or wrong but it is what it is for now. Hell who knows, maybe I'm just too comfortable with being single at this point.

So I've been out on two first dates in the last week. I got back on the online apps, more so just looking for some conversation from boredom but open to dates if someone caught my eye. Plus the aspect of the app giving instant gratification by seeing who would match, which ends up being what the apps are used more for anyway. (which reminds me that video you posted about relationships, I related a ton to it)

Two women I was chatting with for a bit ended up asking me on the same day if I wanted to get together. The first was younger (25) and while the conversation at dinner was decent, I didn't see it going anywhere and we haven't talked since the date. I'm sure she would have went out again if I asked, but she just wasn't for me.

Dinner with the second woman went much better. We have quite a few things in common (except having kids, I keep attracting women without kids for some reason). Anyway, I know she had a good time and I did also, I mentioned as I walked her to her car we should do this again sometime but didn't make definite plans and I gave her a hug but didn't attempt a kiss, didn't feel like the right time but I considered it. I actually thought about your story with the guy rushing the kiss before we walked to her car, haha. Anyway, she texted me to see if I got home ok and we both said we had a good time and said good night.

I haven't texted her back since then and that was Monday night. I considered texting her on valentines day but at the same time it didn't feel right and more so I didn't feel the strong urge to. I'm very busy right now so I don't want to start a precedent where I start to look at every interaction of whos texting first and if its my turn to go first, so I stay away from texting as much as I can. I also feel like its more important to get to know someone in person so we actually have stuff to talk about on dates.

I work full time, go to school two nights a week, have a men's group another night and have my kids 4 nights a week. More than ever I am beginning to love freedom on being single and the idea of a relationship seems so foreign. My time is limited and anyone I'm seeing has to be patient with that and me. It might bite me in the ass and end up taking a very long time for me to start a relationship that goes more than a few dates but taking things slow is something very important to me. I rushed into a R with the ex and I wont do it again, so that drives some of my actions.

So, not sure this helps at all but thought I would share my perspective


Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
Fogg #2778768 02/15/18 06:39 AM
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One of the things that I absolutely love about these boards and the people here is that I always get to see someone else's perspective. And, sometimes it is so super helpful. Today, in reading the responses that all of you have given to G, I think, wow....these are some smart folks. I agree, by the way, with what everyone before me said, G. I really can't add anything, because they have so eloquently put it out there.

Sorry for the hormonal part. Hopefully that passes soon. Sounds like you have good weekend stuff planned, though, so good for you. It is right around the corner! smile


Me 52, H53
Bomb drop 9/29/2014
Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014
Marriage #2 12/31/2019
5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships)
6 grandkids
Dawn70 #2779073 02/19/18 02:35 AM
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I am glad I decided to go on a second date. I went very well. And in a direction I guess I didn't expect.

He picked me up at my house. He had flowers, Hershey's cookies (because I told him I love chocolate and cookies) and even something for D10. He opened the car door for me too. I was impressed. We went bowling and we had a wager on it and I actually beat him. I got to pick where we had dinner and I chose a nearby new resturaunt that had just opened. it was a 40 min wait for a table, so we had a drink at the bar and talked.

He told me I looked beautiful, but his favorite quality of mine is my personality. He appreciates my sarcasm and I can take what I dish. I appreciate the same in him.

I realize his LL is physical touch. Which is also one of my top, but not until I get comfortable. As we spent more time together and the day went on, I came to enjoy it. Actually, I became quite attracted to him. And when we got back to my place, he came in for a little and there was definitely some physical touch going on and it was very nice.

We have a date coming up Friday night and Sunday night. Friday I am going to go to his neck of the woods and we are going out to dinner, and Sunday, he is coming over and I am making dinner and we are going to watch a movie.

So far, so good, and I am looking forward to it.

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Ginger,

You are a beautiful young woman who has so much to offer people. Don't ever put yourself down. Hold your head up and your mantra should be "I'm a good person and I deserve the best that life has to offer and I will not be a second prize to anyone".

I am so tickled to read your posting and that your second date went very well. He did all the right things that a gentleman should do for his lady. I think that the more you interact w/him, the more you'll enjoy his company and he will feel the same way. You already know this...take things slowly and just enjoy the time you spend together. Don't rush the process!

I am looking forward to reading about your next few dates. Just enjoy the time you spend w/him.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
job #2779097 02/19/18 04:18 AM
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I'm so glad to hear it went well. Just another example of why you often can't tell from one date. Awesome for you!

Now please tell me you are not having him getting to know D 10 at this point! Please! I'm not going to jump to conclusions here but will pull out my 10x12 (as the 2x4 didn't work) we've talked about this in the past. Take it slow and no D until you two have been a could for a while

Just enjoy it for wherever it goes. Slow and steady wins the race! So very happy for you!


DonH
Midwest
Me 56
WAW-EXW 55
Met 11/95 / Married 5/00
Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06
4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
DonH #2779101 02/19/18 04:38 AM
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WOO HOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm so glad that the 2nd date went well for you. That is awesome, G, and you SO deserve it. You are a wonderful person and I'm glad that he treated you well on the 2nd date. I hope that trend continues. Just breathe, relax and enjoy. Can't wait to read more about the good times ahead. You go, girl!


Me 52, H53
Bomb drop 9/29/2014
Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014
Marriage #2 12/31/2019
5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships)
6 grandkids
Dawn70 #2779104 02/19/18 05:46 AM
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Thank you, thank you guys! It's early on, but it's fun, and I am living in the moment. I am only looking as far ahead to Friday night, lol. I also told him it was my treat as he has paid for everything else so far.

Don- nooooooo, of course D10 has not met him and won't for a while. He completely understands that. I didn't even have to mention that. D10 has been seeing some texts because she is as nosy as heck, and she's figured out I have went on a date, but she is going to have to deal with waiting. I have no reason this time to introduce early on. We have been lucky that some weekends have been spit so I could go out with him 3 weeks in a row, but there will be 1 weekend I am away, and the following 2 weekends I will have her. I will get a babysitter if need be.

Job, your words mean a lot to me. Especially with what I have been feeling, which I guess you saw. Long story, but because of the weather Saturday, my dad put our dinner off until Wednesday, and D10 and I ended up going out to dinner with ex and OWW. I fight everyday with the fact that I was the starter marriage and during me came a long term one that might last. That I have been the woman who was the one right before THE ONE with every other guy I have ever dated. May it have happened, during me, 5 minutes after me, or in another case, a year after me, I have always been the one before. And it has left me with a complex and it hurts. I don't want to be the one always setting the stage for the real deal. I deserve to be the real deal. Sitting in front of my ex and his OWW made think about it again. exH was not feeling well and across the table from us, he put his head on her shoulder. Then her phone lit up and her screen saver is of her and my daughter. I don't think I will ever not have a reaction to either. I try not to think about all of this sometimes, but others, it's right in my face and I have a reaction.

But enough of the sad stuff. It's nice having dates in my free time. I hate first dates, but when I enjoy the enjoy the dating part. It's fun having someone to do things with. It was nice to lay my head on a guys chest with his arm wrapped around me. I forgot what it felt like. Kind of nice.

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I'm putting my boards away - well done G! I can only imagine how much harder it is with a 10 year old detective on the case although that too might be an opportunity. I really think a lot of your D (as much as I can for never meeting her) and I know how close you two are but it seems like sometimes she forgets or wants to forget that she is a child. This might be a good place for a firm boundary with her - and one with great life lessons. Being firm with her in that this is an adult R and one kids need not involve themselves in at this point. Reassure her that if things progress that the time will come where she meets and interacts with him but that time is not now. This may result in her trying even harder so that if she figures it out, she is "rewarded" by meeting him sooner, because she knows anyhow and the "secret" is out. That wouldn't be good but it's exactly what a sharp kid would do. So even if she does find out a few details, don't enguage! D10 "I know who you went on a date with." G: "you may or you may just think you do. Either way, we are not discussing it unless it becomes serious. What would you like for lunch?" Don't let her push you into revealing anything before its time - or you are ready.

As a guy, one thing that has impressed me most is when a woman invites me to do something and/or offers to pay. This was more impressive when I/we were younger but still impresses. It really shows you are interested and engaged, not just taking what you can get. While I never thought women who didn't do this were taking advantage or anything, but agreeing to go out is one level. Asking someone out and or paying is a whole other level.

I'm excited for you Ginger!


DonH
Midwest
Me 56
WAW-EXW 55
Met 11/95 / Married 5/00
Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06
4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
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As someone whose love language is physical touch too, I will say it's super nice to date someone who shares that.

kml #2779201 02/20/18 04:13 AM
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Originally Posted By: kml
As someone whose love language is physical touch too, I will say it's super nice to date someone who shares that.

Agreed!!


Me-70, D37,S36
Cadet #2779343 02/21/18 02:12 AM
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So, I am going to totally regret asking this......

Remember when FF was totally into me from the beginning and you all told me it is a red flag?

Well, this one seems to be the same. He is very sweet, seems to really like me and has made some really thoughtful gestures. We were talking about all my NJ Devils baseball caps and I said my ex took my 2000 stanely cup champion one (he loved the way it fit, he did not like hockey). well, POF guy (as we could call him)actually went and found it on ebay and bought it for me.

It doesn't bother me, I think he a nice thoughtful guy and we are excited to see eachother and get to know each other. My IC thinks this stuff is normal in the beginning. The rest of you all thought it was a big red flag.

In the moment I am enjoying myself. I am not getting a bad gut feeling. I think he is a giver, as he self describes himself. Atleast he is letting me pay for Friday night.

Curious how you guys feel about this one.

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Yeah, we guys are good at paying attention to the little things at the beginning of a R, sometimes it's keeping it up for the long haul that can be difficult.

I don't see the gesture itself as a red flag, you mentioned it and he was thoughtful enough to make the effort to find one for you, just be aware that sometimes guys do things like that for the points.

I'm going to go out on a limb because I'm definitely no relationship expert, but my personal opinion is that it's ok to enjoy all the moments of getting to know each other; it's ok to get physical early in a R if that's what you want, and to accept or give gifts and basically do things that maybe get overshadowed as R's become longer term.

I think the key is to remain detached enough not to long for those things, enjoy them as they come, but don't allow yourself to become emotionally dependent on them until enough time has passed to get through the immediate limerance of R's, so you invest emotionally only once you start to see them for who they are, eyes wide open.

But what do I know, I haven't been on a date in like 12 years.


M - 9 1/2 years
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10/31/16 - We sold house
01/10/18 - D Finalized
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Originally Posted By: Coconut
I'm going to go out on a limb because I'm definitely no relationship expert, but my personal opinion is that it's ok to enjoy all the moments of getting to know each other; it's ok to get physical early in a R if that's what you want, and to accept or give gifts and basically do things that maybe get overshadowed as R's become longer term.


And here comes Donh with a chainsaw aimed at the base of that limb. smile. The problem with getting physical early is it often clouds judgement and feelings. This is especially true for women. I'm not saying that you should not have some physical contact, kissing, etc., early on, even the first date, but actual sexy early on can make it very difficult to really tell if things are real. Sex makes people feel good. It's built into the human drive for a reason. But so does heroin make people feel good. Both do so early on. We then tend to confuse the feelings we get from the physical contact with feelings of love or at least strong like - when they are more just feelings of lust. This confuses our brains into thinking it's real when it's just as much the endorphins at play as anything real. It's biological. Be careful of early intimacy.

As to what he did Ginger, you've said multiple times now that he is trying too hard. I'd have to agree with this latest move. So believe what you are seeing there. He is most certainly trying hard. But is that bad? In and of itself I don't think it is. I think it's nice and you should enjoy it. But (there is always a but, isn't there?) WHY is he trying so hard? That's where I'd worry. What's going on with that? Does he love the chase and then he backs off. Love avoidant guys often come on very strong like this then all of a sudden back off. Desperate guys who don't want to be alone do the same. BUT so do genuine nice guys.

So, it's really too early to tell. Personally, this would push me back a bit - but that's me. It may be a broken part of me, but its me. If a girl was trying this hard with me this early on I'd wonder what's wrong with her and the pursuit would likely have my guard up. It's too much too fast. Why is he not a prize that you should be chasing? Instead it almost seems like he thinks you are too good to be true, too good for him and he really wants you. Many women would be thrilled with that. Still I question why? what's going on here?

You can't tell any other way but with time. You'll find out soon enough. Just don't let him speed things up on you like FF did. Everything happened so fast with FF. You guys went from zero to sixty and then burned out just as fast. I'm not seeing that here, yet wow, you mention a hat missing out of your collection and within days he gives it to you? I'd have waited for a special,occasion for this gift. But that's just me.

Hope something in there helps.


DonH
Midwest
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WAW-EXW 55
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DonH #2779393 02/21/18 07:56 AM
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Ging....

Maybe if we switched the roles this time ???

Butterflies
Sex
Time alone
Oh crap
What am I doing
this kinda hurts
maybe I should have known him better...

To

Maybe I should know him better
I am aware that this could hurt
What I am really doing
Oh crap
Time alone
Sex
Feeling those butterflies...


Call me crazy...

smile

Mach1 #2779407 02/21/18 09:34 AM
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The hat thing could be needy, or he could just be wooing you. It's nice to be wooed. And it's nice that he listened - it was thoughtful.

Just take your time I think. You'll figure out soon enough which side of the line he falls on. Enjoy a few dates and get to know more about him.

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Hmmmmmm..... lots of good feedback, thank you.

It is early and time will tell. I appreciate his attempt at wooing. He's doing well, and I think that has kind of gone by the wayside in dating. Of course, it is something I don't expect to last. But I think he is the kind of guy who would be thoughtful from time to time with the little things.

Needy? I don't think so. I think he just wants to "get things right". He admits his mistakes in the past and feels he has learned things as time goes on. You know how a DB'er does their 180's? I think that's what he is doing. Again, only time will tell as we get to know each other.

I think Don said something about him thinking I am "the perfect girl" or something to that affect. Weirdly enough, my last most serious R's began that way. They seem to think I am "the woman" (which is a tough standard to live up to by the way, I kind of hate it, because I am not perfect and I have flaws) Neither of the last guys have any complaints of who I was or how I was in an R, actually both told me they loved who I was, yet, when it came to a point where a sacrifice needed to be made, they didn't hesitate to say "nah, I'll just find someone else" The first guy, the sacrifice was small. The second one was big and I get it. But still, come on now, nobody is perfect. ANd I don't want to be some fantasy, I want to be someone's reality. One where they stay.

I really am trying not to overthink it and just go with the flow.

The sex thing. Well. I can't say it's not going to happen soon. Like really soon. Luckily, that never drove anyone away, lol. I think it only affected the dynamic of the plumber and I, but it was going to be the same dynamic whether I waited 3 months or 3 days because of who he was.

I look forward to the weekend. I look forward to our two dates and a very special hockey game with my dad and his wife Saturday night.

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I say enjoy the weekend.

Love ya girl!


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I'm so tickled for you, G! Sounds like some good things going on with this new guy. I don't know that the gift of the hat is necessarily a red flag, though, the way my mind works, I would be wondering what, if anything, he expected in return. People have mentioned love languages on here before and I know one of the LL is receiving gifts, but for me, I love to GIVE gifts, so something like finding and giving the hat would just be a gesture to let someone know that I liked them and was thinking of their interest. I don't know if any of that makes sense but I don't necessarily see the gift of the cap as being some big red flag, though I don't think you do either, so that might be a moot point.

I used to have this idea/thought in my head that I had to wait a certain number of dates before having sex, but in my old(er) age, I'm realizing that FOR ME, I feel better if I just go with it when it feels right. That may be a few dates in and it may be the first date. I'm not saying it has to be that way for everyone and though it sounds like it, I'm not even necessarily disagreeing with what Don said about sex too early can muddy the waters (paraphrasing what he said, obviously), but I have just decided that I have to do what feels right for me in the moment. Not saying that is how everyone should approach everything because obviously we are all different people with different thoughts/feelings/beliefs. I just know what works for me and what doesn't work for me and being on a strict "must wait 3 dates" policy isn't necessarily all that helpful to me because men are all different. In my thoughts, it also kind of helps see what the intentions are. If it is someone who is just looking for more of a FWB thing, sex gets pushed a lot faster than someone who might be interested in actually knowing me as a person and seeing what develops. Sorry I'm hijacking your post talking about me....I seem to have a knack for doing that....but I'm just trying to share thoughts/insights I have gained in my divorced years that I might not necessarily have had pre-marriage and divorce. I think we all know what the right time for us is and we are all on different time lines, so what works for me may or may not work for anyone else.

So glad you are looking forward to your upcoming dates. Can't wait to hear all about them!


Me 52, H53
Bomb drop 9/29/2014
Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014
Marriage #2 12/31/2019
5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships)
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Dawn70 #2779473 02/22/18 04:34 AM
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Dawn, I am so glad you explained your point of view! We share the exact similar one and approach the situation similarly, actually.

I don't follow a rule, although I really try not to have sex on the first date. But it has happened, and really, they were just hookups and I knew what they were. But I do not have a 3 date rule, or a 3 month rule, although I joked around and said I have a 6 month rule, lol. Let's face it, we are all adults here. I am a 37 year old woman with needs and I can make the decision for myself when the time was right. I don't sleep around. Do I think it's going to happen this weekend? Yeahhhhhhh. I am sleeping over tomorrow night and he did offer for me to take the bed and him the couch.

Maybe it won't happen. Maybe it will! But I can definitely tell this guy isn't looking for a FWB situation. Neither am I. He knows that much too.

I'll let you all know how my weekend goes. THank!

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I think the only risks you have to worry about with sex too soon are these:
1) If he'll think less of you because of it. I haven't really encountered this but it could happen.

2) If he'll pursue less once he's "won" you - Mr Big Lots was like this, all over me up to the third date, never got that kind of effort from him again (he was a major league Love Avoidant though).

3) The BIG risk - you'll get attached to someone before you know what their red flags are. This is really dependent upon you. I have a friend who definitely CANNOT do casual sex - she gets too attached too easily and has trouble getting unattached because she's a little obsessive. For her, it's really important that she wait until she's sure about a person. I, on the other hand, being a product of the late 60's early 70's, don't have a problem with casual sex if it's someone I'm really attracted to and comfortable with. At my age I can easily accept that some men will just be flings, some will be long term friends with benefits but not boyfriend material, some will be boyfriends (and some will look like great boyfriends and turn out to be all messed up, like Mr. Tall Dark and Handsome.) If you want to and you feel safe and you use condoms (no glove no love as my friend says) and you are sure you can keep some objectivity, go for it.

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Has anyone been watching "Married at First Sight"? It's this show on Bravo where three couples who have never met their spouce get married. They have done like a dozen marriages now. They are all real. If you want out, you have to get a real D. No way in hell I'd ever do this. Amazingly the first couple is still married and just had a baby. I think one of the other first couples are married yet as well. Most tried but went on to D.

It's very fascinating on many levels including sex. In the current round they have all been married just over two weeks. They have gone on a romantic honeymoon, moved in together and spent every day and night together. One of the couples is yet to have sex. After 6 weeks, they have to decide if they will stay together or get a D. Last year one of the couples never had sex at time of the 6 week decision yet they stayed together - for another six months. So they were married and together 7.5 months AND STILL NEVER HAD SEX!!!

I bring this up to illustrate how there is no norm. There are people on these boards who are married and have not had sex in years. When I think of all of that, the third date for a planned sleep over is, for me, rushing things. That's just me. Can't say I'm right or wrong. I can say no one would claim you are taking things slow - which is clearly the G pattern. I really hope history is not repeating itself here - and it may well not be. I just have to wonder if you keep getting the same results because you keep doing the same things? Just something to consider.


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Met 11/95 / Married 5/00
Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06
4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
DonH #2779505 02/22/18 06:19 AM
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Sex would not cause me to become unhealthily emotionally attached. it's a part of dating that happens and can be enjoyed. I think sex might take on different levels and feelings as I do become emotionally attached, but it isn't what does the attaching for me in the first place. I can definitely keep objectivity.


My usual speed be really fast? No, I don't think so. And in any case if it was, I don't think it hurt the R at all. Maybe hurt me more when it ended, but it didn't do the damage to the R.

It's not a planned sleepover in that sense. I am going by him tomorrow night, a half hour away, we will be out late and there will be drinks. he kindly offered me the option and said he would take the couch and I could have his bed. We didn't make a date for sex.

The history I worry about repeating: Ignoring actual red flags and getting into a situation which has too much complication such as distance, or going very different places in life like being done with kids or having kids. I tend to entangle myself in situations where love just isn't enough and have huge obstacles. That is the history I really don't want to repeat. I need to make sure the situation is somewhat ideal.

That being said, he does know I am done having kids. I put it right out there. Otherwise, this is finally good where we have no reason to rush a lot of the stuff we don't want to. He isn't meeting my kid until I deem it time. He doesn't need to meet the parents yet. he doesn't need to spend a bunch of nights over a week. He has his own place. We can take things at whatever pace we feel comfortable with, not because situation makes us do otherwise. That I like a lot. I for once feel like I have some control over the situation.

DonH #2779508 02/22/18 06:59 AM
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Originally Posted By: DonH
Has anyone been watching "Married at First Sight"? It's this show on Bravo where three couples who have never met their spouce get married. They have done like a dozen marriages now. They are all real. If you want out, you have to get a real D. No way in hell I'd ever do this. Amazingly the first couple is still married and just had a baby. I think one of the other first couples are married yet as well. Most tried but went on to D.

It's very fascinating on many levels including sex. In the current round they have all been married just over two weeks. They have gone on a romantic honeymoon, moved in together and spent every day and night together. One of the couples is yet to have sex. After 6 weeks, they have to decide if they will stay together or get a D. Last year one of the couples never had sex at time of the 6 week decision yet they stayed together - for another six months. So they were married and together 7.5 months AND STILL NEVER HAD SEX!!!

I bring this up to illustrate how there is no norm. There are people on these boards who are married and have not had sex in years. When I think of all of that, the third date for a planned sleep over is, for me, rushing things. That's just me. Can't say I'm right or wrong. I can say no one would claim you are taking things slow - which is clearly the G pattern. I really hope history is not repeating itself here - and it may well not be. I just have to wonder if you keep getting the same results because you keep doing the same things? Just something to consider.


I watch this show, Don, as it absolutely fascinates me. People in general fascinate me. I'm definitely a people watcher and let's be honest here... somewhat of a people judger. I mean, honestly, it is hard not to assume and judge and I don't necessarily mean in a harsh way. But the 3 couples this time are really interesting to me from the standpoint of how they have approached the whole sex thing, with the one couple having sex on the first night and the Barbie and Ken couple still not having sex. But, I think that illustrates both the point I made earlier and the point you made in your post...it is different for everyone. I used to be a wait at least 3 dates and see what happens from thee, but now I lean more toward what kml said about I'm ok with casual sex as long as I am attracted to and comfortable with someone and I know that is the intention from the get go. I don't necessarily actively pursue that sort of relationship, but they do happen and as long as everyone knows that is what is happening, I'm good with that.


Me 52, H53
Bomb drop 9/29/2014
Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014
Marriage #2 12/31/2019
5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships)
6 grandkids
DonH #2779515 02/22/18 07:18 AM
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Originally Posted By: DonH
There are people on these boards who are married and have not had sex in years.

Yeah if I was going to have to sign up for that - I think I would shoot myself.

Our fearless leader MWD has written books about SSM and I think that getting married again knowing you are going to not be meeting someones needs is a recipe for disaster.
Not saying that everyone has this need but I know that Ginger and her friend have touch as a need.
It is wonderful to have the same needs as your partner.
Failure will occur by not meeting these needs.

JMHO.


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Dawn70 #2779526 02/22/18 07:50 AM
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Ginger,

I recently went back and read through your posts regarding FF because he was so often being referenced. Here's the one thing that stands out to me from that era. When things were going downhill with FF, you started saying that if it didn't work out with him you were going to stay single until D was older and/or moved out. I didn't that was really necessary, but I read way after the fact so obviously didn't comment.

Now you meet new guy, first date you weren't feeling it, second date you were feeling it, he didn't text you V-day you were upset with him, 3rd date your planning a sleep over.

I guess my thought is this, you went from never dating, right to what I would consider moving fast; each interaction (or lack of) is bringing out a high or low in you and it reminds me of the roller coaster ride post BD (before detachment) usually posted in newcomers.

I'm not being judgmental about the way your R progresses. In Dawns thread she describes juggling two men, which can be drama filled, but when I read her comments I don't see what is going on in her life affecting her emotions.

I guess I just worry that going from "NO more dating" to "going fast" without trying to take things slow may set you up for disappointment.


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Interesting assessment, Coconut. I did write the no dating thing almost a year ago, and that was a reaction. I worked through that with my IC. She felt that was kind of nuts, and it was. Maybe if my daughter were 15..... well, then I would wait. I did decide that I will much more careful about having a guy come into D's life. Nothing is guaranteed, but I want to be standing on the best foot when that happens. I did stop dating for a while, about 6 months. I had one date. So, yes, there was about 9 months in between no more dating to "going fast", it was not one extreme to another.

As far as my "wasn't feeling it" it was me realizing I need to know him more. The whole V-day thing was more of 1) my time of the month 2) him going dark out of no where 3) the sleepover isn't planned sex. It was an offer that I didn't even commit to.

During my time of the month, I am admittedly an emotional mess. When I am actually in an R at my time of my month, I noticed the pattern of when that's when I become insecure, I think the person is acting strange and distant, and then I say "oh, my period must me coming" and boom, that's it, so I make sure I don't act on any of my crazy thoughts. Once that passed I was back down to earth again. And I am chill with whatever happens. I really, truly, am. As far as I am concerned right now, I have a date tomorrow night and I am going to kick his butt in mini golf so he has to wear a NJ Devils Jersey. I am also having some good Mexican food with some good company.

And...... there is more to my life right now than this guy. I am still sick of this awful job, and I went back online and did the search again. I found a position that really spiked my interest. A radiation Oncology Nurse. It's at the hospital in my system right by my house and it's the same hours and seems so interesting. It would get me involved with patient's again without shift work. I put in for a transfer application. I am keeping my fingers crossed. If it's meant to be, it will find me.

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Originally Posted By: Coconut


I'm not being judgmental about the way your R progresses. In Dawns thread she describes juggling two men, which can be drama filled, but when I read her comments I don't see what is going on in her life affecting her emotions.




So, here I am AGAIN, for the 2nd time today, hijacking G to talk about me, but I will say, Coconut, that I think G and I are VERY similar in a lot of ways. I think we think similarly. While I admit to "juggling" 2 men (which made me laugh out loud at that image, because honestly I didn't think of that way til I read what you wrote), in neither case have I allowed myself to do much emotional investing because I'm just trying to figure out where either is headed, if anywhere. The true test for me is when I start telling my family about a guy and I have not done that with either of these guys yet. Much like those of you on the board who have younger kids, not only my daughters, but my immediate family is VERY tight-knit, so when I am really interested in someone and want to make it more of a relationship-type, that is when I think of introducing them to my family. I don't want to introduce them too early only to have to tell my family it ended, if any of that even makes sense.

But, I thank you for what I perceived as a compliment that it doesn't seem to be affecting me emotionally even though seeing more than one person at a time can hold some inherent drama. I think that, in my case, one of them being on the road all the time alleviates at least some of that drama because it isn't like they both live here and I have to constantly worry when I'm with one that the other will see us together or whatever. I'm just trying to enjoy getting to know both and live in the moment and see where life takes me. I don't know that I explained any of that well, but the short version of all of this is that I think that, while Ginger and I think very similarly, we are in VERY different situations right now so we think/respond/react differently. And, of course, we are just different people in general, so we behave differently.


Me 52, H53
Bomb drop 9/29/2014
Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014
Marriage #2 12/31/2019
5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships)
6 grandkids
DonH #2779681 02/23/18 08:26 AM
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Originally Posted By: DonH
Has anyone been watching "Married at First Sight"?

OK for the record you made me curious so I just watched season #1, it is interesting.
I will probably watch the other seasons too.
Its on my HULU!! smile


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Cadet #2779682 02/23/18 08:27 AM
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Originally Posted By: Cadet
Originally Posted By: DonH
Has anyone been watching "Married at First Sight"?

OK for the record you made me curious so I just watched season #1, it is interesting.
I will probably watch the other seasons too.
Its on my HULU!! smile


I have seen it on TLC. I couldn't even imagine.

How are you and the little lady? Dinner soon!!!!

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Originally Posted By: Ginger1
Dinner soon!!!!

Sounds like a good plan!


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Cadet #2779706 02/23/18 10:03 AM
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While there is absolutely no way in h@ll I'd ever do something like this and can only wonder what most family members think... it is fascinating watching with some truth to it. When we say here that love is a choice rather than a feeling - that really is the case when you watch the show - at least with some of them. Look at Doug and Jamie from year one. She was repulsed by him, would not let him touch her - on and on. They just had another baby and I think are expecting again? She is now totally in love with him. Yeah, they are facing some rocks and bumps but it's a 180 from the start.

There have been others that make less sense. There is a couple in the current run where the guy would not even sleep in the same room with his new wife. He was like "I can't rush into these things and we are strangers and don't know anything about each other..." I'm thinking, DUDE... you signed up to do this - now that you are doing it you don't want anything to do with this lady?

It really does show, however, how it's not at all about the love at first sight feelings that some people want to feel - or the constant butterflies, etc. It's what you make of it. There is really a lot to be learned.

Season 3 may be the most fascinating - at least to me. There is one couple where the woman wanted nothing to do with the guy. Belittled him, made fun of him, questioned his man-hood. He kept trying but then finally hit his breaking point and said enough. It was then that she started to fall in love with him. By the time they got to the 6 week decision, she fully wanted to stay married. She was as all in as he was at the start - yet he said no, he wanted to get a D. She killed it for the two of them and she knew it at the end and was very, very sorry for it - FASCINATING and not at all unlike many stories here.

Season 3 also had what became one of the most despised guys. Again, the woman wanted nothing to do with the guy - would not even try. Again, I'm like, lady, what did you think this was going to be? I'm not sure that she ever kissed the guy, then used an opportunity to create an excuse to diss him (or so it seemed at the time). I'm not sure that they even stayed together for the 6 weeks. So they go onto D but then the producers bring the guy back for his own spin-off series where he picks the women - pretty much like a bachelor rip-off. This is where he showed himself to be a total wanna-bee player. He had several very good women interested in him yet he kept going for the totally wrong woman. If any woman treated him like crap, that's who he wanted. There was a total sweetheart that really seemed to like him - he felt nothing for her. The lady that totally blew him off and treated him terribly, that's who he wanted. In the end, he chose no one - and was flamed on social media. Still, he could not see what he kept doing wrong and kept doing the same wrong things and wondering why he always got nowhere or the same outcome. Again, it's not unlike people here who keep doing the same thing and expecting different results.

Great stuff - can you tell I like it? LOL Anyone who's looking to binge watch something this weekend - you'll love it! There are a total of 5 full seasons and #6 is currently airing.

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Originally Posted By: DonH
When we say here that love is a choice rather than a feeling - that really is the case when you watch the show - at least with some of them.
Well I totally think this is true and it is something I say quite frequently.

I also think that in my research here I found that arranged marriages from India are quite successful, or at least better than our divorce rate from marriages that are choosen by ourselves.
I will be honest I still can not believe my own marriage failed - I have accepted it but acceptance has come with much knowledge.

Originally Posted By: DonH
Anyone who's looking to binge watch something this weekend - you'll love it!

Can't say that it will get done this weekend but I will watch them all eventually - I am now a fan.
Thanks Don.


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DonH #2779761 02/24/18 03:18 AM
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I watched that first season a while ago. I probably would have been a great candidate for a set up like that. I was looking for someone that wanted the same things I did first and then seeing if there could be chemistry.

For me, I wanted to wait a little bit before being physically intimate. It was like 4 dates before we even kissed. I figured people could be all smoke and mirrors in the online dating world and I wanted to make sure I liked him as a person/friend first. I wanted him to know me as well. Not just go for me because of what i physically could offer. This felt safer for me. And for me its ends up being more enjoyable when I trust someones intentions more. I know this sounds old fashioned, but I get the sense that many guys really respect that more as well. Maybe deep down. Something they cant really come out and admit because it sounds anti feminist. (I met my ex in my early 20s and we were physical fast. I wonder if had I tried for friendship first,we might not have ended up together.)

Its different for everyone though. Generational. Our experiences cultures and backgrounds. what we are looking for. Whether we are ok with casual sex. Im not comfortable with it for me. But I don't see anything wrong with it as long as everyone is on the same page.


M: 42
H: 43
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WAH in summer
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WARNING- TMI

I am even tamping down the TMI. You all want a good laugh at the joke that is my love life? I'll keep it short and to the point.

The man erectile dysfunction! Yup, you heard me right! HAHA on the girl who wanted to get it on early in the game! First, I was freaked because the last 2 guys I dated couldn't get it to work right for the first time. With them, it was definitely anxiety, each for their own individual reasons. They got over it and all was very good once they did.

This one, however, it is a known problem, apparently. Only "this is the worse it's been". Mind you, he is my age. Truth be told, he is not in good shape at all. He is overweight and doesn't really exercise and makes awful food choices. He also has not been to the doctor in 7 years. He only goes when something is "wrong". And the last time he went, they told him he was pre diabetic. He was extremely overweight then and he changed his lifestyle and lost a lot of weight, but it didn't last.

The ED is a turnoff, but I am very understanding about it. What the turnoff is, is that this guy has admittedly done nothing to help himself. I was talking to my cousin and her husband about it and her husband said "there are many men out there who will cut their finger off an dput it back together with duct tape so they don't go to the doctor, but when it comes to their d!ck malfunctioning, they will run to the doctor!"

It is obvious this is related to his poor health. And that is a huge turn-off. So something about it. When he was beating himself up over it, I was honest with him. I said I am understanding and I won't run away because of it, but I can't stick around if you aren't going to do something about it.

Also, we really don't have a large amount in common, he is big video gamer, hates the gym, ect. He does like to go out and hike in the nice weather which I love. We did have good dates. He brought me flowers again yesterday.

I really don't know where I am going to go with this, to be honest. I don't have to cut and run right this minute. But yes, as we go on more dates, we get to know someone better. I am not going to force something to work, I am just going to see where it flows. I am also not going to wait a whole bunch of time if I am not feeling it and he is not proactive.

I came to post this to just get it out there. I know everyone will probably have an opinion of whether I should run or not, but I ask kindly not to give it right now. It's kind of something I need to figure out for myself.

In other news. When we were at lunch yesterday, I got a FB message from hot young PT assistant. ANd I felt a wave of excitement. This guy has been promising to make my daughter floam ( a form of this slime making fad my child is obsessed with). I might be discharged this week, so on Thursday, he said he is going to do it on sunday. He bought all the supplies. He sent me a pic on FB of all the supplies and said "this is how I ma spending my sunday!" Then he sent the finished product. I thanked him and told him how happy he was going to make a special little girl. He told me he was worried about sending the messages because he was afraid it might be creepy. I told him not at all, and I made a joke about the weirdo pt at PT who had a thing for him and would ask him if wanted to "feed his ponies" I said "not inappropriate at all, I thought it was very sweet. You didn't ask me to feed your pony or anything" we got a good laugh.

This guy is 25 years old, and everything I wanted and needed at 25. I wish I was 10 years younger. There is definitely a chemistry there, but nothing we can ever do about it. But the guy he is more mature than any guy I have ever dated, actually. There is some lucky woman who is really going to hit the jackpot when she marries him.

That was long-winded and there is more, but I'll get back later.

Thanks for listening.

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Quote:
What the turnoff is, is that this guy has admittedly done nothing to help himself.


This. That would be a problem for me. And if he was diagnosed pre-diabetic in the past and hasn't been seeing a doctor, he may well have diabetes now which can result in ED (So can heart disease.)

This may sound awfully selfish, but you're a young woman who has gone with very little sex for a long time in the prime of your life. I don't think it's inappropriate to want a partner who can share that with you. Especially since this guy doesn't really fit you in a lot of other ways too.

At my age (61) I expect this to be more of an issue with men I date. And if I met a guy who was great for me in all other respects and this was the only issue, I could live with it. But it'd be a lot to give up. (Luckily for me, none of my suitors has had this problem. smile ) And it surely would have been a deal-breaker for me at your age.

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I am just going to say this ((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))

we will support you no matter what you decide.


Me-70, D37,S36
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(((Ginger)))

Dealt with that with ex. And the guy i briefly dated before him if you ever want to pm me.


M: 42
H: 43
Twins age 5
WAH in summer
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I am appreciative of all the support. I seriously don't know what to do and I haven't made a decision and I guess I don't need to make one yet.

It really makes me nuts that this is due to his own neglect. I am a very understanding woman, but when you don't care about yourself enough to let your health go....... well, it's just sad.

My love life has really been cursed. My 30's are supposed to be my prime, I have been single for the most part, and it stinks.

I read sometimes over in the newcomers where they are just getting the D, disappear for a few months and come back with some wonderful man who loves them and their kids! I am so happy for these people, but sometimes I am like "WTF?!"

My love life has been jinxed. I think maybe I need to see a voodoo doctor.

We are having dinner tomorrow night, then I leave for FL on Friday and come back Monday. I need a weekend away to just have fun and clear my mind a bit.

I just want a taste of the norm for once.

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Originally Posted By: Ginger1

I just want a taste of the norm for once.


Who is Norm ???

Mach1 #2780044 02/27/18 05:00 AM
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Originally Posted By: Mach1
Who is Norm ???


Norman Bates

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Lol


M 53
D 20
Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24
Together 26 yrs
Married 16
W Filed for D 7/21/11
Served 9/6/11
D final 8/28/12

“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”

John Wooden





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Who is ready for another installation of "Is this really my F@cking life?"

I followed up with my surgeon and he has to go back into to my knee. He believes I have this hunk of scar tissue called a Cyclops lesion that is preventing full extension. He actually felt bad about it because he said it rarely ever happens to him and I said I felt like I failed him:( The highlight was when he walked in the room and he told me I looked good. He is pretty much the sexiest man alive. Seriously. So, I can't get to upset when he tells me things, especially since he is so sweet about it. It's a quick procedure, but it is 10 days locked in full extension 24/7 in my ACL brace. That's going to be really uncomfortable and hard to work in. But I want to be back at full capacity by summer.

I call to tell my dad and h starts yelling at me because I am still trying to go away even though there is some sort of noreaster coming. He wanted me to cancel my trip because he didn't want me driving to his house. I told him I am not cancelling and I will play by ear, he got very angry and pretty much hung up on me. My stepmother told me his fuse has been really short lately and he's been getting mad over everything. So, I got that going on.

Then I have date with this guy. he had just gotten fired from his job an hour before he got there. So now he has ED, has no job, is unhealthy and overweight, and has no medical insurance and told me we "can't go out too often". He said he would understand if I stopped seeing him right then and there. Of course I couldn't do that. His plan is to look for jobs, but for a month kind of keep a routine where he wakes up, plays video games, and then looks for jobs. I have a strong feeling that will be more like gain 100lbs by eating fast food and playing viedeo games all day.

A big difference in dating a non-parent at his age is that they usually aren't motivated. Life is different when you have kid and you are very busy.

I won't be able to see him for 2 weeks, so maybe it will give some time in between to just end this.

So, yeah, that's my last 24 hours. I am just praying I can get out of here and get to FL. I need it so bad.

So, I said no surgery this year. Guess I was wrong, hahaha!

I hope you enjoyed yet another installment of the joke that is my life (I mean that in a funny way).

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So, hope you have fun in FL smile I would be heading down there myself this month, but skipping this trip since I am in the process of buying the house, it's great down there this time of year.

May I ask what your reasoning is for not just cutting ties with this guy? I struggled cutting ties with Witty because I felt bad for everything she was going through, felt bad that I would hurt her by ending contact, etc.. But in the end, I realized that she's not good for me, and it's not good for her to stick around for the wrong reasons.


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5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA
10/31/16 - We sold house
01/10/18 - D Finalized
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So sorry about your knee!! I didnt realize you were still lacking ROM. What a setback.

One of the things i wished i did when i was younger was to negotiate better for myself when it came to dating. To know that i dont owe anyone anything, and if things are not working out for me, then so long. Its ok to turn down a seemibgly nice guy cause he doesnt offer what you want.

It is very reasonable to want to start out with someone that has a job, and that can offer physical intimacy. You dont have to be nice all the time and put your needs last ginger. You owe him nothing.

Last year i dated someone that was nice, loved spending time and talking to me. But i found he was flaky and selfish and lazy and had an addictive personality. He was also cheap and had also lost his job after we were dating for a bit. He wanted me to do the bulk of the driving (prior to losing his job) He did not buy me a christmas gift. The last straw was when he picked out a place to go and then asked me to pay for it. And picked a place to stop for drinks amd asked me to pay.( I told him, no we will each pay our way. )

At the time, i was trying to proove that i wasnt the b... my ex made me out to be. So i kept telling myself, "gifts do not mean anything. Equal rights. Yeah sure i will drive. No problem etc" amd he would tell me how cool and easy going i was compared to other high maintenance women.

I wish i had called him out though. Told him, are you serious? If you want to date some one of my quality you need to be worthy, or else i will find someone else.
I wish i knew my worth more. Amd noy to be conceited, i had more going for me then the other women that were making higher demands.

He got lucky and got me during a vulnerable time.

What im trying to say is put yourself first. Its ok.

That break sounds like a nice time to tell him to put things on hold while he gets his life together amd you heal.
No point in dating whem he doeant have a job. Its not like he was a boyfriend or husband.


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Much of this stinks and you have every right to feel down but let's look at some bright sides. Yes surgery AGAIN IS A BUMMER but it sounds like it's going to fix your problem. That's great! Imagine if you had been told that this may be as good as it's going to get and you better get used to it? Some people get that news. Instead you'll have to struggle through a couple weeks but then be closer to normal!

You absolutely need to go on your trip! no two ways around it. Go, go, go - no matter what!

Now what is up with you and this guy? I've been with you so far. It takes time to get to know someone and them to show you who they are. I think this guy has done that - yet you don't want to hurt his feelings? What's that about? You guys are still casual with less than a dozen dates - much less. He's showing you who he is. He's not what you want and deserve, that's clear. The signs are now there. You know your feelings are not there. What is holding you back from just ending this? You tried, you gave him opportunity. You're just not a match. You deserve more than he can provide at the very least the timing on his end is not there. He has work to do on himself - a lot of work - before he's ready for an R. And lose your job = play video games and eat junk food? Oh, C'mon. And I sounds like an abrupt and sudden firing?

Enjoy Florida! Enjoy being with your friend. I think you'll come back rejuvenated and ready to let this latest frog hop onto the next one so you can continue searching for someone more on your level and worthy of your affection. You might even meet someone fun while in the sunshine state!

I think you see your path moving forward rather clearly. It's just now a matter of following your gut.


DonH
Midwest
Me 56
WAW-EXW 55
Met 11/95 / Married 5/00
Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06
4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
DonH #2780294 03/01/18 05:18 AM
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I planned on just ending things, but when someone tells you they just got fired, it's like "hey, can I make your day any sh!ttier?" Especially when he was like "what would you want with a fat bald guy with a limp d!ck who doesn't have a job" (also a turn off.

I don't owe him anything. I just know how crappy I felt yesterday when I got the news about my knee, I told my dad, then he began fighting with me and hung up on me because I wouldn't cancel my trip. When things pile on, you just feel worse, and I didn't want to do that. I am probably doing no favors by waiting either. But I just really want to get away and clear my head this weekend. If the weather will allow me. I think I pissed him off anyways when he texted me.

I do not at all see this guy as a future. And with the present situation, not so much in the present. So, yes, I gotta cut the ties.

When I get back.

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Ginger,

When are you flying out? I am in MD and I saw on the news that some of the flights in and out are going to be delayed and/or canceled for tomorrow. Saturday will be a mess because the airlines will be rescheduling, etc. We will be under a high wind advisory from 3:00 a.m. Friday and until around 7:00 p.m. Friday evening. It is my understanding that this nor'easter is a fast moving storm and will be out of my area by late Friday evening. I hope that you can get out before this hits the area or leave sometime Saturday.

As for your knee, gosh, I do hope your surgeon can repair this issue for you and get you back on your feet very, very soon.

As for the new guy, I think I would go on my trip and when I returned, I would have to tell him that it's not going to work out for you as you have to focus on your recovery since you are having a surgical procedure.

Please travel safely.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Originally Posted By: job
Ginger,

When are you flying out? I am in MD and I saw on the news that some of the flights in and out are going to be delayed and/or canceled for tomorrow. Saturday will be a mess because the airlines will be rescheduling, etc. We will be under a high wind advisory from 3:00 a.m. Friday and until around 7:00 p.m. Friday evening. It is my understanding that this nor'easter is a fast moving storm and will be out of my area by late Friday evening. I hope that you can get out before this hits the area or leave sometime Saturday.

As for your knee, gosh, I do hope your surgeon can repair this issue for you and get you back on your feet very, very soon.

As for the new guy, I think I would go on my trip and when I returned, I would have to tell him that it's not going to work out for you as you have to focus on your recovery since you are having a surgical procedure.

Please travel safely.


I am supposed to be flying out of JFK tomorrow at 3pm. It's not looking good, I know it. It's mainly the wind. I am pretty sure the weekend I have been looking forward to is not going to happen. I might just come to work Monday if it doesn't happen and schedule my procedure for next Friday and just get it over with.

I'm going to have to end it next weekend, I know. I feel bad. I can't make this into something it is not. He is not a match. I've got my plate full for this month anyways.

I'm a little bit down. Drained maybe. If this weekend doesn't happen, I am going to treat myself to something enjoyable.

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(((G)))

I'm so sorry you are having such crappy luck. Reminds me of something my dad says all the time "if it weren't for the bad luck I have, I wouldn't have any luck at all".

I concur with what others have said before me and what you already know.......don't prolong something that is inevitable. You gave this guy more than a fair shake and he's not your cup of tea. DO NOT SETTLE! If I learned anything at all from my marriage, that was the biggest lesson. I know you now that, though.

I hate that it looks like your trip will be cancelled, but absolutely, you should treat yourself, particularly if you don't get to go. Go do something fun and just pamper yourself and have a good time. It will be worth it! Hang in there, lady! Life can be tough, but you are much tougher!


Me 52, H53
Bomb drop 9/29/2014
Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014
Marriage #2 12/31/2019
5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships)
6 grandkids
Dawn70 #2780360 03/01/18 01:35 PM
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If you do happen to fly out tomorrow, please travel safely and enjoy your time away.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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I don't know what it's like in South Florida, but in North Florida the weather is perfect and it'll be nice all weekend. The grass is green and everything is starting to bloom.

spring has sprung
the grass has riz
I wonder where all the birdies is

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Well, I haven't had a very fruitful past few days. My flight was cancelled, so no FL trip for me. One thing I had to is buh-bye. I had my MRI done, and he said there is scar tissue, and maybe an additional meniscial tear and he is goin to go in, clean it out, and manipulate it. My dad is going away, so if I don't get it in this week, I need to find someone to drive me. I had an offer from a friend. POF guy could do it, he aint gots no job, but that would be using him. I will need 10 days straight legged and as much time in the painful splint aside from my regular locked ACL brace. I only planning on taking 2 days off of work, so I am just going to suffer at my desk like that for a few days.

Due to the very high winds, I lost power last night at 5. A tree fell on power lines by my house. I decided to go out with a friend for a few hours, I came on, it was still off, so I climed into bed with a bunch of blankets and woke up freezing my arse off. I am in a coffee shop now because I need my coffee, some warmth, and some internet. They removed the tree on my way here and the people are working on the power lines. Hopefully it will be up today. I'm heading to the gym from here. Luckily D10 I with her dad. OWW offered me anything I need! ExSil also offered me to come over which was nice.

Needless to say, the bad luck marches forward. If I don't laugh, I'll cry. So I am laughing and keeping my spirits up. D10 and I went and bought her a dress for her special event and we both got rband new sneakers, and I got some nice tops, because a little retail therapy was in order. I was supposed to be off on Monday, but I am going to work and saving my days for my procedure.

I am truly hoping for a better summer, one where I no longer limp, can straighten my leg and be active. My mood is definitely affected by my lack of ability for hardcore exercise, which is my stress reliever. I need my heart rate through the roof, I need to sweat, and I need to kick, punch and lift heavy things. Can't do any of that.

I am ging ot try to reschedule my trip for April. I will not get a flight nearly as cheap, but I will see what I can do for myself. I gotta get out of here before I explode!

POF guy invited me over tonight and he was going to make me dinner. I shouldn't take him up on his offer, its messed up when I am not interested in keeping this going, but maybe some company would be good. But that is selfish, I know.

On a totally different subject, I am noticing something. D10 doesn't tell her dad anything anymore. She relies on OWW. I used to tell exH details and he would tell OWW, but I realized they aren't even communicating anymore. So, I just got to a point where I communicate with her rather than him. It's ridiculous, but they really do not communicate so I am always worried if the message is getting across. I seriously think these two will be together forever, but the truth of the matter is, if she is ever gone and ex has not found a replacement, things would really be tough on D10. It's a hard thing to admit. She's gotta stick around until D10 is old enough.

That's my wacky life!

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Wow....that whole not having power thing [censored], especially when it is cold. As for POF guy, only you can decide what is best for you, but if you aren't interested, let him go. It is really not fair to either of you to keep something going. I get that he's had a run of bad luck and you don't want to pile on that (and I would SO totally feel the same way, which is further evidence to me that we are SO much alike), but you are doing both of you a disservice if you keep feigning interest just to keep from kicking him while he's down, so to speak. That is all just my opinion, of course, for whatever it is worth.

I kind of understand your situation about D10 and OWW from the other side of the equation, so to speak. I am the stepmom, not the mom and I didn't cheat with my XH. He had been divorced from his ex for sometime and had had other relationships before he and I got together, so it isn't like there is some cloud of suspicion over me or anything, but because mom flaked out and wasn't there for the girls when they were teens, I sometimes feel more protective of them and have a hard time watching them have a relationship with her now as adults. I know that sounds crazy, but it would make more sense with a lot of detail filled in. Anyway, I say all that to say that I know you have a hard time seeing D10 and OWW get close, but it really is a good thing. You don't have to like OWW (Lord knows I cannot stand my daugthers' mother), but you can be cordial, which by your own accounts, you seem to totally have a handle on. D10 will benefit in the long run. I can say that because my daughters are older than yours and as adults, I see how they have benefitted from the fact that from day 1 I have tried to be as cordial as possible to their mother and NOT take her place. I can't speak for OWW, but I always maintained that I wasn't trying to replace the girls' mom, but just give them another female to support them. The girls have always called me by my first name, never mom, but their own mother has recently suggested that they should be calling me mom because of all I have done for them. It's all about teamwork and putting the kids first, which you well know and seem to be doing. But, I know it is still tough, so hang in there.

I'm rambling and hogging your page, so with that, take care of yourself. Have a glass of wine or 10 and just chill. Everything will work out the way it is supposed to eventually.


Me 52, H53
Bomb drop 9/29/2014
Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014
Marriage #2 12/31/2019
5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships)
6 grandkids
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Hi Dawn!

Still without power, they are working on it, but the restoration date is 3/7 at 11:30 pm, but I hope they are overshooting it. I noreaster with a bunch of snow is coming in tomorrow, so they have to get it fixed. This is awful. I did stay with POF guy for the 2 nights. But man, I left this morning pretty settled he isn't for me. I'll be honest, I think I was in such a tizzy for the past few days, I stayed with him because it was better than house hopping and I just wanted someone there that way. ANd Dawn, I surprised him when However, I realize he attentive physical touch is pretty much gone. It's like he settled in ways already. He is pretty much an adult teenager with an ED problem and no job. Obsesed with his video games, no job, and TMI, but he has actually rolled over and picked up his phone and started playing games, if you know what I mean. This isn't for me. I have been waiting so long for the right one, and you all know I do not have unrealistic expectations, but I realize I really need a match.

I went ice skating yesterday with my bum knee! It was me, D10, exH, his BIL and child. I did pretty good! I was scared so I didn't do all I normally could do. ExH and I used to hold hands skating and we would go really fast and it would help me with my cross overs and turns. I almost asked if he could hold my hand so I could try it, but that would probably be a little awkward. D10's little cousin was so cute, she took my hand and we skated around. I should have been her aunt. But no, OWW gets that too. She is really comfortable with me though, because she knows I am D10's mom.

Surgery is for 3/29. COuld have gotten me in a week earlier, but I have plans for a girls weekend getaway, and I refuse to miss that. Another week is what it is.

D10 an dI will be staying at friend's house until the power goes back on. SHe did not want to stay with her dad, she wants to come home. I am grateful for a place to stay and all the offers we got.

But I am tired, and I do want to go home to my bed!

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Yeah, a grown man addicted to video games, that's all you have to say. NEXT!

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I was addicted to video games twice in my life... the first time was mid 80's (around 12yo), Super Mario Bros had just come out and me and all my friends were obsessed with it. We played it a lot, as well as some other games, for about 6 mos to a year then started finding our way back to our bikes and the basketball court. Pretty normal video game addiction.

The second time was about 4 or 5 years into my M. It provided me a fantasy escape from my life, I played pretty regularly until BD. I haven't really played since, I mean a few times but I now take responsibility for my life and don't find the fantasy appealing anymore. Not normal for an adult man to have a video game addiction, it is an escape.

With that said, I am glad you decided to stay with POF guy. I previously commented that it isn't helpful to stick around someone you aren't into.. But I think I may be changing the way I see this.

You obviously aren't stopping him from bettering himself, as he doesn't seem to be concerned with the way he is, and if you want some company and he provides that company, then good on you.

Don't Settle, but if you can find happiness for today, I'm happy for you.


M - 9 1/2 years
5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA
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C=nut, I admit, I was too, addicted to Super Mario Brothers, then Sonic the Hedgehog when Sega Genesis came out. As an only child, I needed some form of entertainment.

You know, I would like to help him better himself. I know it isn't my job, but if he wanted help, I wouldn't certainly give it. Hey, I am not the epitome of health, I've got meat on my bones and I am a sugar addict. I can't do much about his motivation to find a job and succeed in it.

Seriously, we don't have all that much in common. He is a sweet guy with good intentions. Have I let go of him yet? NO. Is it horribly selfish? probably. We just don't have that connection either. But, I can't see him for a while, and I feel as if we are free to date, so he could knock himself out. I would accept a date from someone else. But I think he might even know that he needs to have a job to get a date.......

Anywasy, power came back on Monday night, but I was at mu friends. Last night was my first night at home. I had to get rid of all the food from the fridge and freezer and start over. I bought some staples, but that's it for now. Today I am working form home since we have a noreaster. Lots of snow coming down heavy and fast.

ExH and I got in a fight yesterday. I can't believe he could still get under my skin. I ws running all over stressed as heck, trying ot get the fridge cleaned out, get dinner for all the kids, and grocery shop, and get D10 to her cooking class. I speak to exH and D10 left her book for her assignment at his house and she needs it done by Friday and she wasn't seeing him before then. He preceeds to tell me he can't keep coming to drop the stuff off she forgets. He tells me "it's not FAIR need to come when she forgets something, you should too" I got angry. NOt fair? I asked him who always gets our daughter everything she needs, appointment and activity wise? I asked if it was fair that after I pick her up, I drive her to your house to pick up what she needs, then drive back, make her dinner, get her to her activities and the such? He only had ot say for himself "you just don't like it when you hear something you don't like".

Well, no sh!t Sherlock, think before you speak! Well, I texted him. Against my better judgement, but I was fuming. I said " in the 10 years I have been raising our daughter pretty much single-handedly, I never once got a thank you or an ounce of appreciation. I learned to live with that. But telling me I am not doing my fair share? That's a kick in the gut. You are right, I did not like hearing that and no one in my position would."

Of course he didn't answer. But he was trying to text gabby, but she was at cooking class (where I take her on Tuesday night and paid for in full because he is "kind of poor" right now). He just texted me "tell D10 to look at her phone" He was coming to drop off the book. He comes over later, I was in the kitchen, he hands it to her, (I don't hear any of this) and she comes in the kitchen crying. "Daddy said to me not to text him goodnight later, I'm saying it now". H is lucky I did not hear that because I would have went nuts! he is so lucky to have a child who wants to text him before she goes to sleep! She was so hurt by this. I can't stand him. Now I am texting him about a doctors appointment and what day he is taking next week, and he won't answer.

So that's my long-winded soap opera. I just remember when D10 was 6 months old, I asked myself "how am I going ot get through 18 years of dealing with this man?" Well, I have made it 10, I am over halfway there!

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Gosh, G...sounds like my prize-winning XH has gotten a divorce from his latest tart and you have found him. LOL Just kidding, but I'm not far off. My XH is a gaming addict and is ALWAYS on his phone or Ipad...or at least was when we were married and by all accounts still is. I just don't have to deal with it anymore. Not my circus, not my monkeys. LOL

I don't blame you for hanging in there. I have a hard time stepping back too. And, it gave you some company during a stressful time, so that can't be all bad. Do what you need to do.

As for your XH....well, bless his heart...................


Me 52, H53
Bomb drop 9/29/2014
Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014
Marriage #2 12/31/2019
5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships)
6 grandkids
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His little black heart....

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Ugh. Its one thing when they act like an a-hole to us. But its tough seeing them be that way to their own child. Just further proof that it is all them.

Im sorry your daughter has a father like that. But she got extra lucky with you as a mom. I think one great parent can definitly make up for it. Imagine if you guys were still together and you had to support him when he behaved that way? Had to show a united front. At least now you can show her different. Not sure the wording to use on a child though.

My son is 7 now. His dad is not rude. Just uninvolved. Thats how he was with me. Well i will tell you my son knows this. He tells me 4th of july (which he spends with his dad) is his special holiday with grandma. He has told me that if daddy ever killed me he wouldnt be his daddy anymore. And he frequently tells me that he loves me the most. (I tell him he has so Much love in him that he can love everyone) My son seems to hold a grudge just like me. Or more likely, his dad just ignores him so he never really got attached.

It [censored] that they dont have things perfect. But You know what, the world is just not perfect. And like everything we can use it as a way to teach them.


M: 42
H: 43
Twins age 5
WAH in summer
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Thank you, Juju. I am praying that what I give my daughter is enough and she doesn't have daddy issues. I can see these issues extending into bad relationships with men, where she is treated like crap and tries to win them over. I hope to God I can show her how to be a strong woman and not take that kind of crap.

Don't you notice how maybe at one point we thought it was us, but when we see them repeat the same behaviors with our kids, we realize it is THEM. Maybe we didn't always handle it the way we should, but my ex treats our daughter the same way he treated me and from what my daughter says, he also treats this wife like that. It makes me so incredibly sad and guilty feeling.

Anyways, my state is mass chaos. We got over 2 feet of snow, there are tons without power in the freezing cold with a weeks restoration time (thank god we didn't lose it again) but we have no cable/internet for at least a week, may that be the worst of our problems. This one heck of a March. It's nice to see neighbors offering up warmth and shelter, I offered anyone to come by on our towns FB page. If just to warm up or get a shower. We are a small town where everyone knows everyone so its safe. The kids had no school for 2 days, and a delayed opening today. It's just awful and very unsettled. I am back to work today. Having dinner with friends tonight. I need ot unwind with some adults for a bit! I think ex might feel a little bad because he is willing all of a sudden to take D10 to her early Dr's apt tomorrow. I'll meet them from there and take her form there.

I have also come to a sad realization. I don't think I am meant for a relationship. For whatever reason, I haven't had one decent one in my life and I am 38. Maybe it's just not in the cards. Or maybe "my time" is when I am older and my kid is out of the house. I am seriously done dealing with losers and maybe there is something about me that just doesn't make relationship material. Loyalty only gets you so far, I guess.

I've got bigger fish to fry anyways.

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Lord, G....get out of my head! LOL I SWEAR we are the same person. I could have typed that last paragraph and have said it more than once in my life. Thing is, I do honestly believe that there is someone for everyone, but I usually joke that my someone is either in prison where he can't get to me or locked in an asylum or something. He's just not finding me and I'm not finding him either, so that must be why, right? LOL Only difference is that I'm 10 years older than you, so I probably don't have as much time to figure it out as you do. But, hang in there! I know it sounds cliché, but it is NOT you. It really isn't. Maybe it sounds a little too fairy-tale/storybook romantic, but I do believe there is someone for everyone and when the time is right, that person will come into your life. Don't give up hope, but even more importantly than that, don't settle. You are a fantastic woman who some man will be so incredibly lucky to have in his life some day. Hang on to that and go on about your business holding your head high, enjoying your life and raising your precious D10.


Me 52, H53
Bomb drop 9/29/2014
Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014
Marriage #2 12/31/2019
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Originally Posted By: Ginger1
I have also come to a sad realization. I don't think I am meant for a relationship. For whatever reason, I haven't had one decent one in my life and I am 38.


Because I know misery loves company, I'm going to point something out. I don't believe that you've never been happy in a R, so I'm going to guess that when you say you haven't had one decent one in your life, I'm guessing you are thinking about how they ended.

I just want to point out that as far as I know, not one of us in here is M, every one of us found our way here because our S cheated on us or walk away from us, and very few people break up from good R amicably, at least I haven't ever done that.

I guess what I'm saying is I would generalize my life to say I haven't had one decent R in my life either, but I had decent moments in my R's.

Just keep being awesome so that "The One" can't help but notice you when he sees you.

As for worrying about your D, I get it and I too am at a loss about how to try and teach them what a healthy R looks like. When my son told me that his biological father had separated from his W, I asked if they were getting D (they had been separated for a little while) and he replied of course, they're separated.

I did my best to try and explain the choice of loving, and that problems can be worked through and that D should always be a last resort. But I don't know if any words can overshadow the R dynamics that he's witnessed with all his parents.


M - 9 1/2 years
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Quote:
I guess what I'm saying is I would generalize my life to say I haven't had one decent R in my life either, but I had decent moments in my R's.


I guess I'd say I had many years of a decent relationship until it became a crappy relationship. But I'd also say I haven't yet had a relationship that was the equivalent on their side of what I have to give on my side. My ex made me feel loved at times, but never beloved. My last boyfriend made me feel beloved, which was grand, but then of course it turned out he was lying to me about almost everything else. I'd love it if I found what the last boyfriend gave me in a stable package - that may or may not ever happen. But I understand your feeling - I felt it to before I married my ex-husband, and at least with him, I felt I belonged for a long time. Now I don't care - I carry my sense of belonging around with me and it doesn't depend on someone else - but of course, I have a few decades on you.

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I want to add to the discussion of cC-nut's view and kind words and good points, but first, I need your help.

I am ready to officially end this. We have nothing in common, we are so opposite and I don't want to prolong it anymore. I am a deep connection kind of person and anything of what we have is so surface.

So, I do not know the best route this day in dating age. I a not going to ghost or let it die off. I want to tell him. We never once spoke on the phone, we only use text. I feel like it almost sort of cruel to wait until my free night Thursday, to invite him out and dump him. I think for us the text route is the best. I was, very upset that's the way FF did it, but what we had was much different. We were on the phone with each other multiple times a day and saw each other often, and our R was on a much different level.

I realize I really need to "man" up where and do this. Not string him along until something better comes along. I hate when that is done to me, and I don't want to do that to someone else.

So, my question here is, is it ok, this day in age, given our circumstances, to do this by text?

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Now on to what C-nut said. I know we are all divorced right now which doesn't make all our relationships "not decent". But none of mine really ever had the proper elements My ex was horrible to me, and I stuck with it knowing it, knowing he would do something along the lines of what he did, because I was in the most awful place in my life. Too scared to let go. I managed to talk myself into there being love and respect. Sure, we did have decent times, and my ex had a few moments where I did see some real love and that was what kept me going. But our relationship leaves me with shame. Shame for how he treated me and how I ignored it. So there went my 20's. It'll be 10 years since bomb drop in 4 days and what can I say for myself R wise? barely a total of a year combined, a few unhealthy relationships, but they served their purpose at the time, and 2 I loved but they went and left in no time and one of them, well it was a with a MLC'er. I don't "chose" these men, so to say, but I don't meet guys very often. It's really hard for me. I only get out when my ex has her, which is a 1/4 of the time. I have had my child in tow for 10 years whatever I do, wherever I go.

I come here and see in real life, these people who just got divorced and all of sudden they have some guy in their life (or woman) who doesn't loves them and loves their kids, or is patient enough to date slowly. Where ARE these people?!

I love my custody arrangement. I actually told my ex not to even think about asking for 50/50. He never did because he didn't want it. But dating I guess is much easier when you do, or if you have family that help, or when your children aren't so young.

I just wish I met one of these amazing people I read about on here that are found not long after the D. I gave my 20's to my ex and got divorced before I ever left them, and my 30's of course, I gave to my daughter, but that's how I wanted it, but I imagined I would have found that guy who I get my second chance with. But no. For some off reason, it's not in the cards for me.

I went out with a close friend and another friend I hadn't seen a in a long time that I used to work with. She is an amazing woman, but crappy luck like me. Beautiful and smart. We all met working in the ICU together 12 years ago. She got pregnant at 19, had a baby. Dad minimally involved in the life. Parents technically adopted the child for monetary reasons. She is 21 one. Friend is 40. SHe had a long unhealthy affair with a doctor we worked with, didn't work. he was such a player. She met a guy, they moved in together, he did cheat once, she got back with him, she got pregnant again. her daughter is 4 and last year, she caught him cheating and he got rid of him.

We also worked with someone else, actually, her and I started on the same day. This drop dead gorgeous Indian nurse who is 4 years younger than me. Personality to match. She was 22 when we began working. I was married, trying to have a baby at 26. All the men LOVED her. There was everything to love. She and another nurse had a thing going on for a short while. She was a virgin. Then she had another byfriend for a while, that ended. So, she was living the fun single life, with the other young single nurses. I remember one doctor, who I had a crush on when I started working, told me at the Christmas party (we were friendly) "she is smokin' and she is the only person I would ever consider cheating on my wife with". Point of the story is, I always kind of envied her. She moved out to san diego on a whim and loves it there. She began dating this EXTREMELY gorgeous hospitalist back from NJ who also has the personality to match. He flies her back to NJ every chance he gets, takes her to the most amazing exlusive places in NYC... right now, he has rented them this oceanfront villa in Jamaica. I saw the pics on Instagram. OMG!!!!!!! ANd he isn't even pretentious, he just earns a good living and lives it up with his girl.

I am envious. And makes me think "what if" sometimes. But I know if my lfie didn't go as it did, I wouldn't have my baby, and I wouldn't change that for the world. I am also not drop dead gorgeous. All my rambling here is basically me going through some sort of mini MLC, I guess. I feel like I screwed my life by marrying the first douche who ever paid attention to me. Aside from having my daughter, I really did.

That's why I figure I guess, I have been meant to be a single mom. And SINGLE. And I hold out hope, my golden years will be when my daughter is on her own, chasing her dreams. That might just be what my purpose and plan is.

If you stuck around this long. Congratualtions! And please check out my previous post with question.

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Ginger,

Since his method of communication is texting, then I would text him. Just be honest and state that you have given the situation a lot of thought and you realize that the two of you have very little in common and you wish him all the best. You don't need to go into an elaborate excuse. Keep it short and simple. Don't wait until Thursday to do this. It's better to end it quickly.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Originally Posted By: job
Ginger,

Since his method of communication is texting, then I would text him. Just be honest and state that you have given the situation a lot of thought and you realize that the two of you have very little in common and you wish him all the best. You don't need to go into an elaborate excuse. Keep it short and simple. Don't wait until Thursday to do this. It's better to end it quickly.



^^^ I agree with Job. I'll just add one more thing, don't allow him to guilt trip you. If he responds, either don't respond or give another short to the point response and then block him. You are not responsible for helping him deal with it.


M - 9 1/2 years
5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA
10/31/16 - We sold house
01/10/18 - D Finalized
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I also agree with Job and Coconut.

This won't come as a surprise to him I think.

And I just want to say Ginger1, from my knowledge of you accumulated over 3 years, you are a gorgeous and wonderful woman and mom. All you need is one amazing guy who will truly want you and cherish you. Just look around this board at the amazing men on it who are saying where are the lovely ladies like Ginger1, the ladies who want to date?

It's possible that your life circumstances aren't taking you into interaction with such great guys, fantastic men and wonderful dads.

The board like real life has such terrific choices.

They are there and I have such great confidence you will find yourself showered with dates when you hit the right environment.

Would you consider a dating coach?

V


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V 64, WAW


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Thank you. I know it has to be done, and it has to be done simply. I actually did not hear from him all day yesterday. I was out and about with D10 and friends (I dropped so much money this weekend on entertainment for the little one, she is not a cheap date, but we had been stuck in so much, I wanted to get out, so I didn't think much of it, and it was kind of nice,

I came to a bit of ephiphany about a quality I find very attractive in men. PASSION. When they are passionate about something in their lives. One guy was very passionate about raising his daughter. We could share in that passion. Another guy was passionate about his business. FF was very passionate about his career. We used to watch youtube videos which were firecalls he was on and we he would explain everything in detail, and he would light up. Kind of how I get when I talk about medicine. Which we also shared, because he is an EMT.

This guy doesn't have any passion. The only time I ever saw him light up about anything was his online phone game. Not about life goals, careers, kids, or even the future.

He texted me this morning when I was in a meeting, but I haven't responded yet. I don't know that I want to do it at work, and I have IC after work. Maybe I will wait until tonight. I am also feeling like cr@p. I have my yearly cold.

I do believe Vanilla, that my life circumstances has not taken me in an environment with great guys. I was not even 30, and divorced with a baby and men around that age aren't looking for that kind of responsibility/drama. now I am at another weird place. I figure I need to just keep going and live my life and see where it takes me and who it leads me too......

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Totally in agreement about passion Ginger. My ex was so disengaged he had no real passion. It is something I value in people as well.

Regarding this new guy, I would not worry so much. You are allowed to say, "nope your not the one. I don't want to continue this" for whatever reason you want. I know you are a very empathetic person though and you do not want to hurt feelings. But now is a time to work on putting yourself first. Good luck tonight. I think you might even feel empowered. We stayed in relationships that were not good for us. This is great that you are recognizing this so early.

I was thinking about your frustration regarding the dating scene. How some people have it easy, others do not. And there really is no explanation. I came back to what you were saying after I was thinking about how easy my SIL has it. 2 Beautiful kids that thankfully do not have any issues. Big house. Lots of help. Does not have to work. A loyal husband, etc etc

So this is what i have been thinking about to counter those feelings of comparison.

1. Tides can turn any time. (Not that I want anyone I love to suffer. I am very happy for my brother and adore his family) But there are never guarantees in life. What is here today might not be tomorrow. And it comes at the drop of a hat. And what you do not have right now can also come at anytime if you are open to it. No use focusing on others.

2. The hardships we have, only make us more appreciative and more empathetic. God! I cant believe the things I used to agonize over. I am a better person for not having a completely easy life....

Best example I can give. My son is ADHD and has sensory/dyspraxia issues. (We thought it was a spectrum disorder but not so much anymore) I take him to a special clinic to help. The moms at this clinic all have kids with some pretty serious issues. Much worse then my sons. These are the absolute BEST, MOST DOWN TO EARTH , ACCEPTING OF ALL TYPES OF CRAZINESS MOMS! Totally different from the typical soccer moms that I deal with in my sons school. The moms in my son's school make such a big deal over every friggen thing. Get up in arms over minor things, like the toy that was given to their child at the holiday party broke and they need another one and its not fair that they didnt have extras type of stuff.

These moms do not know real issues or real hardships. I might have been like that too if I had an everything handed to me in life.


Anyway, In my heart of hearts, I really feel like a partnership will happen for you. You are so open to it. And you will know how to appreciate a great guy. I think now is a good time, to just get to meet guys till you find the person worthy of you.


M: 42
H: 43
Twins age 5
WAH in summer
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Oy Vey,

There are certain things about that I can preach, but I can't practice. Thank you Juju, your words really hit me, that I have to think of me in this situation for once. My empathy is a curse sometimes. I can't do anything without putting myself in someone's shoes. Then I overthink the whole situation. I realize if I don't do what's hard for me, that might be more upsetting to the person. It's a confusing jumble. When you have been hurt and disappointed many times in your life, I think you take two paths. Either say "F you all!" or you are terrified to make someone feel hurt and pain.

So, he texted me something and it lead to the "discussion". and I failed. I began simple and said I don't think we have enough in common to sustain something long term. He said he thought we enjoyed the same things. I said yes, we enjoy a few of the same things, but our goals are different in life. He told me he really wanted to discuss this because he really likes me and maybe he needs to open up more.

I did tell him the truth. I know I should have just ended it and not discussed it anymore, but I did. I told him the fact he does not take his health seriously really bothers me. I told him I am not perfect, I enjoy the good things in life, but I want to be alive and well for me, and I wanted the sky the to be the limit when I become an empty nester. He said he totally understands how and why I feel that way. I also said I understand how difficult it is to lose a job, but anytime I try to discuss or motivate him on what his talents are or passions are, he shuts me down. I said he doesn't seem to care about anything.

He told me he was afraid to open up early or have any deep discussions and he feels like it's something we should talk about. he would prefer in person, but he doesn't want to wait until thursday, so we are going to have a phone convo tonight.

I know. Fail big time. I was hoping he would just let it be, but you were right, he did try to persuade me otherwise.

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If you don't want to be with him, I would suggest texting him back, saying you've thought about it and there is no need for further discussion, wish him the best, and block him.

If you are somehow hoping that he commits to taking care of himself medically, commits to finding a job and finding motivation in life in general. Then text him back "I've thought about it and I've told you why this isn't working for me, if those things change in the future, and you are in a stable place, you may contact me then".

Either way, unless you want to fix him, and you don't need to try and do that to feel needed, there is nothing to be gained by talking today, this week, or this month.

If what you want is to fix him (I truly hope that is not what you are want)then you should talk to him later today.

Just my opinion, but I hate to see someone do something they don't want to do out of guilt.


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I totally agree with Coconut. If you truly aren't interested, there is no need to discuss further. You said your peace and that is it. But having said that, since you and I are SO similar, I know that is EXTREMELY difficult for you to do. You want to hear him out and empathize with him. Not necessarily get svcked back in, so to speak, but just hear what he has to say. Hang tough if you are serious about being finished. As you well know, you aren't being fair to him or yourself if you go through with the conversation, knowing it is still going to end the same way. That is just my opinion and you have to do what is right for you. Either way, good luck!


Me 52, H53
Bomb drop 9/29/2014
Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014
Marriage #2 12/31/2019
5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships)
6 grandkids
Dawn70 #2781484 03/12/18 09:09 AM
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I don't think you've failed Ginger - at least not yet and at least not with this. Now if you let him talk you into seeing him again or continuing to date, then yes, you will have failed. I think it's good that you were honest with him. That is productive and may help him. Of course I'm speaking from my point of view. I'd love to know if there are things I'm doing that turn women off - not for the current woman but for the future. But that's me. Talking with him on the phone is okay - especially since you didn't want to do this over text. Just because the norm today may be to do things like text message break ups does not mean we all need to start doing that.

All that said, dont get into a long discussion on the phone tonight. Tell him how you feel, that this decision is final, that you wish him the best, but FOR YOU, he is not a match. Don't do a half hour convo, etc. that's a fail. So far I don't think it is.... Well except for this...

Why did you let it go this far? If anything is a fail, that may be. Other than perhaps one date, you knew all along he was not anything serious. It's great and the right thing to have given him a chance - as in another date or two. But somehow that turned into weekend sleep overs. That's very confusing to me. Imagine what it's like for him? This is why I think talking to him a bit is the right thing to do. That's just me. Three dates does not = much discussion. Multiple sleep overs = at least some break up talk. Call me old fashioned, it's just how I'd feel and what I'd do. I also think far higher of anyone who did that for me.

So the real pass/fail test is tonight. You owe nothing more than about five minutes on the phone - and only that because you agreed to it. Do not feel sorry for him and if you do, you'll only make it worse giving him false hope. Be firm.


DonH
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Me 56
WAW-EXW 55
Met 11/95 / Married 5/00
Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06
4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
DonH #2781652 03/13/18 10:35 AM
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Hmmmmmm so I'm really wondering how the phone call went last night. Bet others here are too. Rather than guess, hopefully you'll catch us up on it all. Or are you and flaccid out to dinner? smile. I don't think we ever came up with a name for him so I took some liberties with that.


DonH
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Me 56
WAW-EXW 55
Met 11/95 / Married 5/00
Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06
4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
DonH #2781681 03/14/18 12:33 AM
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Inquiring minds want to know, huh?

Well, the call didn't happen the original night, I was too sick, coughing every time I spoke. But it did happen last night.

And by your definition, I guess I failed. But I discussed it with some friends, and maybe I didn't. We did have a mature adult conversation about my concerns. I was very open and honest, and I do believe he was too. I'll spare the details, but he absolutely understand where I am coming from, even saying himself I have these concerns because of the way I am raising my daughter and how I live for more than myself. He basically wants to help himself. He wants to feel good and wants to make lifestyle changes. He opened up a lot, and I saw some passion there. About the things he does love in life 9aside from video games) and how he is content doing sales as long as he isn't selling BS and he could come home at the end of the day feeling like he made a difference.

I have been honest with guys in my life. I was honest with the first guy I had real feelings for, and it never ended in my favor. It was always a "I can't give you that". I was honest with exNG about what I needed from him. He already had someone waiting in the wings, so he was able to just say goodbye. My exH was a whole other story. But when I became true and hones tot myself, that was when he quit.

But I gotta give props for this guy for not getting defensive, for understanding, for opening up, and for wanting to try. I think I would almost be a fool to not give a guy who listened, understood, and agreed and wants to make a change a chance. He also said, without my prompting, "I know talk is cheap and seeing an actual change is what you need".

I also told him in no way would I be his "mommy" telling him not to eat this and not to eat that, that all choices he makes for him are for him because he wants to.

And I was very very very honest to tell him I know how he has a "problem" that he has the power to fix, but he is choosing not to, and that is shows me he couldn't care about me. He said he didn't know him not taking care of it was hurtful to me.

So, Yeah, I guess I failed. But I really don't have much to lose giving him a chance. I either become attracted, or I don't and he is not for me. He has his good qualities where he is patient and understanding of the fact I can't see him all that often in the upcoming weeks, and that I probably won't be ready to introduce D10 in a long time.

OK, so maybe I did detail it a bit.

Oh, and Don, our "sleepovers" which have been few, I do not feel has made any difference one way or another.

And thanks for the name. My cousin kindly named him Mr. Softee.

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I'm just rambling, journaling to myself.

I have been feeling absolutely awful about myself physically. I don't even want to look in the mirror. I realize I have kind of let go really taking care of appearance. Sure, I wear makeup and dress clothes to work, but I hate it. ON the weekends, I ma in workout clothes I Cannot stand the extra weight on me. I hate not being able to work out. It has been so hard on me physically and mentally. I can't explain it. Everywhere I go, strangers actually comment on my limp. A guy at work saw me walking in the building the other day and said "oh my God, are you ok?!" he thought I hurt myself. I was a strong athletic woman. It's mostly gone. Now, I am partially handi-capped. ANd it emotionally hurts more than any of the physical discomfort.

Yesterday I decided to get my hair treatment so I can start doing it more often and just look and feel better. I am going to get a facial soon, as I have a gift-certificate. I have been intermittent fasting this week to get some of this weight off of me. I might even get my nails done again. I want to feel somewhat attractive, because I am know I am not reflecting it on the inside or outside.

Work has been a morale destroyer too. We are all looking for other jobs. We think the woman we hate is going to be announced as manager next week. Our job has changed to where everyone dumps their garbage problems on our department. I have 2 applications out there for internal transfer and I am keeping my fingers crossed. I can't go on the vacation I was planning on going with my friends because of their dumb rules around these roll outs. We were told yesterday we better start using our vacation in april and may because we are going to have lot of black out months and we will lose out vacation. The good news is I decided to rebook my FL trip for the first weekend in May. I am excited for that. Shouldn't be any nor'easters, but who knows!

This was just my vent. I still count my blessings. But it's hard not feeling good physically and emotionally.

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Ginger,

I am glad to read that you are going to start getting your hair treatments again and are thinking of other things to make yourself feel better. It's time to "make yourself" get out there and do those things that made you feel better about yourself. Yes, you've kind of let things go, but spring is around the corner and you need to do these things for yourself. When you feel good about yourself...others notice and are/will be attracted to you.

Rebook your trip to Fla today. Don't wait another minute. You need something to look forward to and yes, it's time to do this. Can you book a couple mini trips between now and May? I'm sure you have friends that are more than happy to have you come visit within driving distance.

As for your job...keep applying for other positions. Spring brings opportunities for change because people are thinking of relocating after schools close and they want to get relocated before the fall terms begin.

The vent is warranted and now it's time to put your new plans in motion.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Without the valleys we wouldn't appreciate the peaks as much smile. I know you're just venting, but i wanted to let you know I'm rooting for things to start going your way.

Are you getting the surgery soon? Hopefully that will help you back to the active person just waiting to get out and bust azz.

Where in FL are you headed? If it's the Miami / Ft. Lauderdale area I can give some ideas of places to go, things to do, if you would like.


M - 9 1/2 years
5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA
10/31/16 - We sold house
01/10/18 - D Finalized
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Thank C-nut and Job. I'm slowly starting to take care of myself again. I do get to the gym when I can and do what I can when I am there. Next weekend is my girls getaway to AC. I hope to visit a certain friend up in CT in the coming weeks too.

Ic an only apply internally for 2 jobs at a time, and I found a 3rd I am interested in, so I have to push along the other ones. Sometimes, the applications sit on the managers desk, it keeps it in "under review" status, and I can't apply to additional jobs.

I am going to Jacksonville to visit a friend. On Cinco De Mayo, we are driving down to Universal and going to Margaritaville! I am looking forward to it, and hopefully my body will be as bikini ready as it gets, lol.

My surgery is in exactly 2 weeks. ABout a 4-6 week recovery and I am hoping to not be limping anymore and building myself back up to more intense exercise.

The bomb drop was 10 years ago today. I'll never forget it, where I was, what we were doing, what we watching..... it was the day my life changed forever. It was the day I called my dad hysterical and put my 6 month old baby in the car to go live with them for 2 and a half months. I never lived under the same roof as exH again.

I made it 10 years. I made it through a really tough 10 years. That, well, I am very proud of. Because back then, I never though I would make it here intact.

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Ginger,

I wanted to circle back around and let you know that on March 1, 2018, at 4:19 PM, I removed from this thread double postings from a troll. The troll's user name was GunJen and this person was advertising on how to your X back with several emails that you could contact them on.

GunJen targeted you and evidently had been reading your postings how frustrated you were about dating and finding the right person. I am glad that you did not have any info on your thread that would have helped this poster to find a way to contact you. This user did not post to any other thread on the two forums that I moderate or I would have received a notification to review the posting.

I copied and forwarded the posting to Virginia to let her know what I had done. If you would like a copy of the posting, I will be happy to message you via FB and send it on to you so that you can see just what kind of trolls we have that visit periodically.

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Originally Posted By: Ginger1
Thank C-nut and Job. I'm slowly starting to take care of myself again. I do get to the gym when I can and do what I can when I am there. Next weekend is my girls getaway to AC. I hope to visit a certain friend up in CT in the coming weeks too.

Ic an only apply internally for 2 jobs at a time, and I found a 3rd I am interested in, so I have to push along the other ones. Sometimes, the applications sit on the managers desk, it keeps it in "under review" status, and I can't apply to additional jobs.

I am going to Jacksonville to visit a friend. On Cinco De Mayo, we are driving down to Universal and going to Margaritaville! I am looking forward to it, and hopefully my body will be as bikini ready as it gets, lol.

My surgery is in exactly 2 weeks. ABout a 4-6 week recovery and I am hoping to not be limping anymore and building myself back up to more intense exercise.

The bomb drop was 10 years ago today. I'll never forget it, where I was, what we were doing, what we watching..... it was the day my life changed forever. It was the day I called my dad hysterical and put my 6 month old baby in the car to go live with them for 2 and a half months. I never lived under the same roof as exH again.

I made it 10 years. I made it through a really tough 10 years. That, well, I am very proud of. Because back then, I never though I would make it here intact.


((((((Ginger))))))) I am not quite 4 years out from bomb drop, but I still think about that day when it rolls around. I can even tell you the approximate time of day it happened. You are doing great. Keep on keepin' on!


Me 52, H53
Bomb drop 9/29/2014
Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014
Marriage #2 12/31/2019
5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships)
6 grandkids
job #2781830 03/15/18 07:35 AM
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Originally Posted By: job
Ginger,

I wanted to circle back around and let you know that on March 1, 2018, at 4:19 PM, I removed from this thread double postings from a troll. The troll's user name was GunJen and this person was advertising on how to your X back with several emails that you could contact them on.

GunJen targeted you and evidently had been reading your postings how frustrated you were about dating and finding the right person. I am glad that you did not have any info on your thread that would have helped this poster to find a way to contact you. This user did not post to any other thread on the two forums that I moderate or I would have received a notification to review the posting.

I copied and forwarded the posting to Virginia to let her know what I had done. If you would like a copy of the posting, I will be happy to message you via FB and send it on to you so that you can see just what kind of trolls we have that visit periodically.


Thank so much, JOb. I would really appreciate it if you forwarded it to me via messenger.

I have had an incident on here before, and I swore I would never post again. I think I am going ot have my threads deleted again, if possible, JOb.

I'm very grateful for you looking out for me.

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My email to Virginia with the entire troll message is sitting in your in box on FB.

For now, I think I would leave my threads right where they are and see if this person does it again. I wouldn't give this person the satisfaction of seeing you remove your threads from the forum. But, that's my opinion.

Last edited by job; 03/15/18 07:47 AM.

Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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I agree totally. Thanks JOb, you are the best!

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Originally Posted By: Ginger1
I agree totally. Thanks JOb, you are the best!

AGREED - you have people looking out for you!!! smile smile


Me-70, D37,S36
Cadet #2781860 03/15/18 12:14 PM
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that is so creepy!!! thank God for Job~!!! Job did you mean 3/1/17 or 3/1/ 18???


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
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How horrible for that to happen.

I hope the IP address can be traced and such an awful person identified.

Hugs

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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bttrfly,

I meant 3/1/18. Sorry about that. I'll edit it with the correct year. Thanks!

Ginger,

If you would like, I'll be happy to now delete my posting concerning the incident and the responses or I can leave them...it's your call.

Last edited by job; 03/16/18 12:56 AM.

Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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