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xch123 Offline OP
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Hello Divorce busting forums - I apologize if this is not the correct place for me to be posting this topic but I have found myself a bit desperate in my current situation. Apologies also for the lack of abbreviations as well. I will learn them! It's a long one so be wary before you start reading.

I understand if it is too long to read but I just do not know what else to do.

I'll start by mentioning that this is not the first time my marriage has almost fallen apart and I actually referred to these forums to help get myself on the correct track to fix it and it actually worked! My situation now is much different than it was 4 years ago though. DID ANYONE ELSES MARRIAGE SUFFER GREATLY AFTER THE BIRTH OF THEIR FIRST CHILD?

I'll start off by saying I know that I am not the perfect husband and that me being in this situation is partially my fault as well. Now when we first had the child, things seemed to be going fine. I was working, she was staying at home with the baby and I was helping as much as I could while I was present.

Anyways, we had planned an interstate move about 6 weeks after baby was born, since then I have just been watching our marriage crumble to pieces day after day. My MIL stayed with us for 2 times, both for a month to help with the move and obviously the newborn. During this period I found myself becoming redundant in my own home and it was extremely hard to remain motivated to do anything as I was being constantly corrected, undermined and sometimes blatantly ignored when it came to my opinion in regards to the well being of my child. After weeks of this, I stepped back. My wife noticed and within the blink of an eye I was being told how little I do around the house. I got extremely frustrated and explained to my wife how I always feels like I'm walking on eggshells with her and that she only points out the negative aspects of what I do... I could do 1,000 rights and the one wrong is all I would hear about. I broke me down bit by bit to the point where I (stupidly) told her that it might be beneficial to look into divorce.


On my Birthday (2 days before this argument) she had made a post talking about how she is so excited to spend life with me as the father of her child and now she is telling me that she does not feel we are right for eachother.

My MIL also made a comment outside of my wife's presence saying that she is becoming a helicopter mom and that it will not be good for the baby as she is worried he will grow up sheltered... I told my wife about this conversation and she blatantly told me she didn't believe me that her Mother had said this and if she did she must have been joking... She confronted her mother and low and behold, my MIL tells her she was not being serious when she said it. I had it thrown back in my face and I am willing to bet my entire life savings on the fact that my MIL was not joking when this comment was made. MIL's relationship with my wife has been rocky since I met her and ONLY started getting good so I believe she was back pedalling in fear that her relationship with her daughter will fall apart again... MIL told me that I was the cause for so many arguments between her and her daughter, and when I asked for examples of how I am the cause, I was made to feel like I was manipulating the situation... I asked for examples because that was such a blanket statement that I refused to be her scape goat for any mending she has had to do with her daughter.

I fought so hard to save our marriage last time when there was infidelity from her end and now I don't know if I have the strength to revive it again on top of making sure our little one is completely taken care of. My wife admitted to having Post Natal Depression and has since 180'd on that statement saying that she is not resentful towards our child... only me. So now according to her she doesn't have Post natal depression anymore... Mind you her delivery was very traumatic and the aftercare in the hospital was nothing short of horrifying for her.

Now the predicament that I find myself in is that I've sat her down and explained to her that this family means more than anything to me and that I will not be giving up on maintaining to keep us together... We have been getting along wonderfully! only problem is, it is STRICTLY platonic. Overnight she stopped telling me she loves me, no more contact at all and it is slowly breaking me apart day by day to the point where I don't know if I can take it anymore.

I'm very emotional right now so I'm sure I have left out a few things which I am more than willing to answer if anyone has any advice.

-Quick summary-

Overnight my wife and I are "no longer right for eachother"
She resents me
I don't do enough
MIL blames me for everything wrong with her and daughter's relationship.
Divorce is a very real option.

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Welcome to the board

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

Yes first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

and Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htm

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!

Get out and Get a Life (GAL).

DETACH.


Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:

I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072

Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414

Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566

Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554

Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...224#Post2578224

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619

Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon


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Originally Posted By: xch123
DID ANYONE ELSES MARRIAGE SUFFER GREATLY AFTER THE BIRTH OF THEIR FIRST CHILD?

YES - ever hear of postpartum depression?


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xch123 Offline OP
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I have - my wife has admitted to it. Even made a social media post and then 180’d claiming she doesn’t think she has it.... she still takes her medication for it though. As I check on the tablets every so often when taking my anxiety meds.

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xch123 Offline OP
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Now I have to convince my wife somehow that she still has it. Just because one symptom isn’t present doesn’t mean that the other 12 aren’t as well. I know she has it.

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Get the book and refresh your memory on what you were doing before. I'm not sure you're dealing with a WAS just yet, sounds more like problems due to the immense stress of having a new baby in the house. I have a couple of suggestions:

1. Do not play MIL and W against each other. If your MIL tells you something in confidence then why in the world would you run and tell your W, that's just going to make them both resent you. Likewise if your W complains about MIL just chalk it up to frustrations from them being around each other so much. If either of them talks to you then validate and offer empathy.

2. Don't view MIL as the enemy! You should be thankful she's there to help out, a new baby is a TON of work. Thank her daily for helping, and instead of sitting around sulking that you've been "replaced", ask MIL and your W daily what you can do to help. If they don't have suggestions then try and come up with ways to help on your own. How many diapers have you changed? 6 weeks in you should be at or close to triple digits by now, if not then you're not helping enough. Don't just let your W or MIL do them all, I am 100% sure that if you offer they will gladly hand the baby over to you for a diaper change.

Quote:
We have been getting along wonderfully! only problem is, it is STRICTLY platonic. Overnight she stopped telling me she loves me, no more contact at all and it is slowly breaking me apart day by day to the point where I don't know if I can take it anymore.


The first few months are exhausting for a new mother. She probably still has a lot of extra weight from the pregnancy, and she is exhausted all the time from adjusting to caring for a baby. She probably doesn't have the time she used to to get herself looking pretty in the mornings. In short, she does not feel sexy and attractive right now. You might need to be patient, it may be a while before she's in the mood again.


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
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Originally Posted By: xch123
Now I have to convince my wife somehow that she still has it.

WRONG

Exactly what you should not do.


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Originally Posted By: xch123
I fought so hard to save our marriage last time when there was infidelity from her end and now I don't know if I have the strength to revive it again on top of making sure our little one is completely taken care of.


X,

I am sorry you are here but you have came to the right place. Post often and there are many people here who can help you.

My first question is how did you handle the infidelity the first time? Did you seek professional counseling?

My next question is if there has already been infidelity in the past is it possible there is again right now?

I am going to give you my opinion on these situations that tends to be a little harsh. You most likely can't make things better right now but you can make them worse by pursuing her, saying I love you, trying to do all the house work etc, etc, etc. What you feel like you should be doing you in all actuality should be doing the opposite. Read Sandi's 37 rules and start following them immediately.

I know you feel very emotional right now but you have to try very hard to get your $hit together. If you are having an emotional moment try hard to do it in private. At this time your W has lost respect from you and being emotional and needy are going to be a big turn off.

What can you do? Start working out 6 days a week by going to the gym, running, crossfit etc. Exercise is the best remedy for feeling down and depressed. Hang out with friends, family, meetup groups whenever you can get out of the house. Take up an old hobby, learn a new skill, take a class. Be mysterious whenever possible.

The key is to give your wife time and space to see if she misses you. She has to chose to want to be with you for it to work long-term.

If you put in the work you will get the results.

Good luck my friend.

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xch123 Offline OP
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Definitely wouldn’t say I ran to tell my wife what my MIL had said. It was weeks after the fact and only because I was explaining when I start noticing certain behaviors from mum W in regards to our son. There was no malice in the least bit when this was brought up, I even explained to the MIL that I had to mention it before my W got to confront her. You really have to understand my W and MIL relationship before now. I have spent years listening to my wife complain about my MIL never being there for her when she needed. Her relationship with her Mother is only now starting to get better and I embrace it.

I do not view my MIL as the enemy and I truthfully know that I pull my weight in regards to my son. The house is always clean by my hands and I look forward to diaper changes whenever I get the chance as I find it to be incredible one on one time with the little guy. We get to play and have fun together while I’m wiping his little bottom haha

also very wrong. I’ve tried to take my child off my MIL after I get home from work and she’s told me point blank that she’s fine to keep holding him. To which I explained “no I don’t think you understand, I want to hold my child. I missed him”.

When I say replaced I can remember a specific moment where my W started talking about a health related issue in regards to my son. The moment I heard this I turned to acknowledge the information and t wasn’t even me she was telling. It was her mother and this was the first time I was hearing of this particular subject. I felt, in the moment, redundant.

I find the platonic approach to be very strange because 2 days before this argument took place we had great intercourse that was initiated by her

All other advice is great and I appreciate you! Thank you for taking the time to offer advice!

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I understand this as well. I’m just confused about how she can pursue professional help, get out on meds and then just decide herself that she no longer has PND. Her relationship with her mother has been very toxic in the past and I have suspicion that this thought process may have stemmed from something her mother said. I could be absolutely wrong though and know I shouldn’t harp on things like that.

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