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A Message from Michele
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#2775664 - 01/17/18 07:45 AM Re: Marriage is falling apart - just had a baby. [Re: xch123]
AnotherStander Online
Member

Registered: 08/14/12
Posts: 5016
Originally Posted By: xch123

She broke the news very kindly and warm heartedly ... thatís not the strange part.


Very sorry about your grandmother. It's good to hear your W shared the news with you in such a loving manner.

Quote:
The strange part was after I took over with daddy duties to let her go take a shower, she cane downstairs and wrapped her arms around me from behind. This didnít feel like a sympathy hug. I felt something much more there but Iím reallllly donít know if thatís the case or f thatís what my heart just desires from my wife right now.


I honestly think it was sympathy. Despite all the hell we go through after BD, our WAS's DO still have feelings for us. They want us to be happy, just not with them anymore. They feel bad that we're hurting, but they don't feel remorseful because they believe we are why the M fell apart, not them. Anyway my W hugged me sometimes after BD when I was really down. But temperature checks proved conclusively that she was still done with the M.
_________________________
Current relationship 12-2014 to present
Previous: Me:56, XW:54
S15, D21, D23
M:21; BD:06-14-12; S:09-10-12 D final 03-17-14

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#2776319 - 01/22/18 08:38 PM Re: Marriage is falling apart - just had a baby. [Re: AnotherStander]
xch123 Offline
New Member

Registered: 01/14/18
Posts: 21
Sorry for the lack of updates - I have been applying changes to myself and there has not been many updates since the last post.

AnotherStander you were correct. I had a talk with my wife in regards to things and she confirmed that it was a hug for comfort because I had had a pretty lame few days prior. I told her it felt nice and that I appreciated the affection.

Anyways. Updates.

Through this talk we made decent progress, at least in my opinion. We had a very civilized discussion about the state of our marriage and by the end of it she was asking me question like ďare you still in love with me?Ē And ďdo you like me as a personĒ? I could be wrong here but I donít think those questjobs would come from someone who wants to entirely give up on a relationship. Last time we had a rough patch it was ME asking those questions. But still she is telling me she doesnít know what she wants and that she doesnít have the answers. I explained to her that I not looking for answers from her. I also expressed to her that if a divorce is what she wants that we should waste no time. That I will not prevent her or get in the way of her leaving and that if she wants out that I will need to be shifting my focus to my son and myself only.( I am devoted to my wife so long as she is my wife because those are the vows that I made and I will not be the one filing for divorce. No matter how rocky things get, I made a promise to learn, adapt and fight for this love.) that may sound selfish and I accept that whole heartedly. I give me all to those that I care about and I have never really given MYSELF my all. It will be time that I do this for a change.

I have started making a checklist of things I need to get done on my days off. This checklist is for me only and no other motives are behind it. I find that writing down the daily chores helps me put into perspective, how I need to manage my time. Whether or not she sees this list or pays any attention to it is her own business. Not mine. I do it for myself.

I have a habit of not being able To wake up in the morning easily so I am doing what I can to change that as well. Anticlimactic on that one but until I get better I canít say much about it haha.

On my days off I like to dress nice. I used to revolve my appearance on what my wife liked. Same with my fragrances. That is no longer going to be the case. I like to look good and feel good about myself.

Any more updates and I will be back smile this place has been a tremendous help at just keeping my head on straight during moments of weakness. even if I donít post anything I can just come here and read stories from people in similar situations.

If Iíve missed anything please remind me and I will update.

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#2776331 - 01/23/18 12:55 AM Re: Marriage is falling apart - just had a baby. [Re: xch123]
xch123 Offline
New Member

Registered: 01/14/18
Posts: 21
Wow. Auto correct killing me!

Questjob = Question.

Funny because it just tried to auto correct to question.

Also me=my towards the end. Really should proof read.

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#2776802 - 01/26/18 08:28 PM Re: Marriage is falling apart - just had a baby. [Re: xch123]
xch123 Offline
New Member

Registered: 01/14/18
Posts: 21
More updates.

Nothing really seems to be budging on wifeís end. She is going to be going to her mothers for a week in a few weeks time which I think will be good. As much as Iíll miss her and my son I think it will be good to have this time away from eachother. We recently moved states only 6 weeks after our son was born and that adds extra stress which Iím well aware of. I have had a few moments of weakness but try My best to hold off showing these moments. I have started writing in a journal as well which helps me keep track of my thoughts and when I have them.

I also cut all of my hair off lol. I had pretty long hair and just took the clippers down to no guard last night because I felt I needed the change. Did that for myself as well as I know a bald head suits me well. Just trying to feel good about myself wherever I can and help out around the house wherever I can as well.

I also managed to bring up her post natal depression to which she said again she felt she didnít have. I reminded her very kindly that she is actively taking antidepressants still and that I sat in on the doctors appointment where she listed off a lot of things that were concerning her. She seemed to come around a bit to that logic. I feel if someone doesnít truly think they are depressed that antidepressants would not be being ingested every day as suggested.

So yeah just posting for the sake of my own sanity at this point. I havenít worked out in over a month and I am very big on my fitness. I think I am gonna get a good work out in after I eat dinner smile

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#2777932 - 02/06/18 06:23 AM Re: Marriage is falling apart - just had a baby. [Re: xch123]
sandi2 Offline
Member

Registered: 06/28/07
Posts: 17021
How about an update? Hope you haven't left us.
_________________________
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!

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#2778573 - 02/13/18 01:27 AM Re: Marriage is falling apart - just had a baby. [Re: sandi2]
xch123 Offline
New Member

Registered: 01/14/18
Posts: 21
Hi Sandi! I am still here and have not left! I am currently working OVERTIME to fix myself and am very busy.

Here is what has been going on currently.

I should mention that I suffer from anxiety and depression (Who doesn't nowadays?) and I tend to overthink. A LOT. I have been seeing a phycologist for the last few months and we have been uncovering a lot of things from my past that I have tucked away for a long long time. Over 20 years to be precise. Around the same time every single year (Christmas/My Birthday) I go colder than ice and somehow a massive break out argument happens between my wife and I where I have made the STUPID mistake of threatening divorce. Twice now. I recognize this now as a grab for power. I DON'T want a divorce but I do not know how else to show my wife that I am serious about wanting this relationship to work and grow. I do not condone this behavior of mine and I am not particularly proud of it to say the least.

My wife and I had a conversation about our relationship two days in a row - The first conversation, I had witnessed her fill out a rewards card for some store we are in, and she used her maiden name instead of her married name (she made a massive point to get everything changed when we got married) So that night I sat her down and very calmly explained to her that I saw the name she chose to wrote and whether or not she has made a decision, I feel as though subconsciously she knows exactly what she wants and that I feel I should start emotionally distancing myself from her to protect myself and my emotions. This did not go over well at all. I told my wife that there are things that have happened to me as a child that I haven't told her... She wanted out the moment I said this because she has told me everything. (truth is that I could not disclose these horrible things until I was ready to face them myself. I wasn't keeping them from anybody, I had literally suppressed them for over 20 years until recently)... The next day I made a choice to sit her down and tell her every traumatic thing my mother had ever put me through which included her trying to drown me as a child. I subconsciously cannot fully trust women because of this and even though it is not my wife's fault, I unintentionally push her away as a result of these things my mother put me through... I am moving forward to forgive my mother for the things she has done to me because I know that I can not truly give myself to my wife fully until I let these horrific memories go. My wife continued on to explain to me that she doesn't think she has PND and has pretty much blamed me for the cause of her depression (which hurts, but I'll own it to keep peace as I know deep down that I am not responsible for that) I have said some very nasty things to my wife out of anger in the past that I regret whole heartedly. In this second conversation I also explained to my wife that I am going to change for good and I can promise this to her because the time before this I didn't have a shovel strong enough to unearth what I needed from my past to move forward... Now I do. She informed me that she still loves me, she enjoys my company and that she just simply does not know what she wants or needs right now. I'm moving forward no matter what.

Anyways, My wife is currently visiting her mother with bub in another state (this was a planned trip... as in I am fully aware of it and I fully endorse it) Now this goes back to my overthinking. I am having such hard time convincing myself that my wife isn't currently looking for a place in her hometown and when she returns she will drop a bombshell on me that she is moving back... All signs point to this NOT happening but my brain is not allowing me to think rationally on it. This is where I have started meditating. I can gain control of my breathing and anchor myself back to reality. So here is what is happening while my wife is in her hometown with her mother -

I am getting frequent updates on both my son and her.

I have been making sure to address every point she makes in her messages because my wife does deserve my undivided attention regardless to what happens.

She has asked about how work is going and tells me she hopes I enjoy any activity I am doing that I share with her... complete with emoji's and all. No kissing emojis, just smiles.

She is sending me snapchats as well.

Now one weird moment I had today really made me realize that I have to make a major shift in my life. Right now our finances are NOT pleasant. AT ALL. The job that I am working at is technically my dream job but I find myself losing passion for it daily. My boss and I have been working out new ways for me to generate revenue... We have been working relentlessly on organizing ideas and ordering items to get this ball rolling... Today my boss informed me (after a massively productive day) that they don't find the idea that we have been working on for the last 3 weeks to be sustainable and if I want this to work that I have to do it all myself and that they will only support 5 out of 20 items I was planning on selling... This didn't upset me. This gave me great clarity. My boss asked me a question that opened my brain up to the one thing I needed to focus on. He asked me what I wanted my legacy to carry on as... The moment that word left his mouth, all I thought about was my son, and my wife. I want my legacy to be carried on by my son by having a close, beautiful and healthy relationship with him. I realized that I have been pouring so much of myself into a job that simply is not paying off. I texted my wife and told her I am going to start looking for new work and I will be resigning from this role the moment I find a better job.

That is really is so far. I will continue to check in, sorry for ghosting for a few weeks!

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#2778649 - 02/13/18 02:19 PM Re: Marriage is falling apart - just had a baby. [Re: xch123]
xch123 Offline
New Member

Registered: 01/14/18
Posts: 21
So I'm not 100% sure if I have made a mistake here. I sent my wife a text around midnight-1230AM last night when I got in from hanging out with a friend of mine. Just an update on the night, how it was all going and I decided to throw in a Happy Valentines portion within the text, and I also told her that if she was interested that I would really enjoy it if her and I went to the city to get lunch together when she got back... She responded positively but I still am not sure whether or not I shouldn't have done this. She responded saying Happy Valentines day! Lunch would be nice... seems fine to me! but I may be overthinking things again as well. I just wanted to come here and update the forum on what has happened since my update last night.

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#2780457 - 03/02/18 02:31 PM Re: Marriage is falling apart - just had a baby. [Re: xch123]
xch123 Offline
New Member

Registered: 01/14/18
Posts: 21
So here is another update, sorry I have been absent again, I'm really taking this opportunity of being alone this last month to work on myself.

So my wife went to visit her mom on the 8th of feb and has been gone for a little over 20 days. I must admit that I do feel a bit of resentment but also a sense of understanding to why this time apart is needed. She was meant to come home a week ago but her mother had to get day surgery and her return date has been pushed back twice. At this point I'm missing my son more than anything.

Contact recently from her end has been minimal, it seems the closer to her return date, the less she has contacted me with any updates. I've messaged to ask her how she and my son are doing... I also understand where she is has very bad reception so her responses aren't expected to be quick but sometimes they won't come at all which really hurts considering it's almost been a month since I've seen my son.

I've used this time to start meditating and focusing on my own personal issues. I've made very good progress at getting control over my mind but I do not think my wife has taken this time to work on herself which will pose problems further down the track.

At the moment I'm feeling optimistic about MYSELF and not so optimistic about the marriage. I have this gut feeling that when she returns, she will return with plans to leave. I'm ready for it though. I have played out worst case scenario in my head and the reaction she is most likely expecting is not the reaction she will receive. I will let her go no matter how much it crushes my soul to do so... Doing this, I understand that SHE has to make a decision here. My decision is made, I want to fix this... So the ball is in her court and the waiting game is really uncool at times but it must be done!

This board, through reading and posting has helped me realize faults of my own and faults that are not my own, but I'm done playing the blame game and started going down a path for only accepting responsibility for my own actions.

I'm still looking for any input, I know the story is all over the place and possibly hard to follow at times.. I kind of just pop up and type whatever is going through my head at the time... So yeah, She returns in 4 days and hopefully I'll have a better idea of what is going on.

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#2780484 - 03/03/18 06:51 AM Re: Marriage is falling apart - just had a baby. [Re: xch123]
Vanilla Offline
Member

Registered: 10/03/14
Posts: 8079
Loc: UK
Honey

Your mom and her actions just make me want to go back and punch her on the nose. It's sickening when parents do that horrible stuff to their kids.

Personally I am not surprised you suppressed it and dissociated. That is completely and totally normal for kids to do, frankly I am relieved you are as sane and grounded as you are. All power to you for getting to grips with the FOO issues in your life.

I would like to go back to little xch and give him the biggest hug and tell him it's ok and he is going to grow up into an amazing man and loving father. That he will overcome this awful abuse heaped on him by someone who is supposed to love him unconditionally. That it isn't fair and it isn't his fault, not any of it. That he deserves much much better than that.

If you want to chat about FOO, I have a secret thread here.

V
_________________________
Life is for living

V 64, WAW now free from the G



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#2782491 - 03/22/18 01:04 PM Re: Marriage is falling apart - just had a baby. [Re: Vanilla]
xch123 Offline
New Member

Registered: 01/14/18
Posts: 21
So she came home today and informed me that this isnít working out anymore and wants to move forward with a separation and divorce. I kept my cool and stayed level headed and told her I wouldnít stop her from leaving but that in regards to legal services, lawyers and all of that I will not be willing to help because divorce is not an option I agree with. I know that some people agree with this and some donít but simply from my stand point itís what I feel is right.

I kept my cool the entire conversation but the moment I saw my son I had to leave the room because I felt a breakdown coming. I was right. The moment I got out of the room and into the bathroom, I couldnít hold it in anymore. I wasnít loud but I couldnít hold back tears and didnít want to cry in front of my wife.

I donít really know how to feel. Her idea of a relationship is so far from mine. She tells me sheís tired of trying to make things work and that things should just click ... where as I feel a relationship IS work. People are constantly changing and you either grow and adapt with your partner or you donít.

I know this is a common theme here in the forums but it really seems like this is the end. She holds a lot of resentment towards me and is not willing to budge away from it at all. I hold resentment towards her as well but the difference is that I want to work through it and work towards forgiveness.

Iím a bit of a roller coaster of emotions right now and I donít know what to feel. I guess itís time to take DB into overdrive and do my best to fix myself and this marriage.

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