When in your opinion is it too soon to date? I've gotten feedback that's all over the place. Some say wait at least a year to "work on yourself". I feel like this is BS since I've been working on myself since BD last April. Others tell me I should get out there now and just see what happens.
Me-47,XW-43 S13,S16 M:18 BD:4-23-17 W filed:7-17-17 (5 months of in-house separation hell) W moved out:1-6-18 D granted:2-15-18 Decree signed:3-29-18
With OLD, at least you know the posters are looking for dating. It makes it easier because you are all there with the same goal. Easy way to cut to the chase.
Oh if only that were the truth. You were somehow lucky enough to hit it off with the very first person you met. Had you actually have done OLD like many of us you'd have soon found that many there ARE NOT there to date. Some are scammers, many don't know what they want. Some will never meet - simply texting forever. Some, including a few from this forum, have created profiles, talked with people only to abruptly delete their profile because they were really not ready. There are people still very much married but not happy. There are those doing in house separation and looking. There are those who only want a one night hook up - not to date. If only everyone OLD were there with pure intentions.
My goal is not to contradict you Juju but just fair warning to everyone reading, while SOME people are there to meet someone, at least as many are not ready.
Which brings me to when is the right time? Sadly so many sign up only to find out they are not ready - and the rest of the OLD'rs pay the price. Don't do that to someone Holding. There is no reason to rush. I'm more of the wait six months to a year camp but more than anything think through what you will do if you get responses. Are you really ready to date or are you pushing yourself to be ready? Really think about this before you go online.
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
It's dating FFS. It's not looking for the love of your life. It is possibly meeting up, having coffee and just the odd meal or two.
If there is no chemistry, that is it, next date.
For me it has been 4 years since BD, and only 6 months since D. I won't wait a year.
I left it too long and yet not long enough.
I now have three dates lined up, just through chatting and flirting. It's just coffee and lunch, see what clicks.
I am not looking for the great next love of my life, I want friendship and some male companionship for now.
Must say OLD is very OLD with me, I prefer to see and chat to my date. One of the advantages of OLD is age appropriate is known. Although guys in their 60s on old are looking for 40 odd year old women.
I have to say all my dates are younger and one is much younger than me. We will see how it goes. I guess I present better IRL than before
Here is a text exchange
It was lovely to meet you hopever you are having a great time
V: Thank you yes, it's cold tonight though Thank you for explaining the history part
J: just caught the train, are you on your way home?
V: yes staying with my friend, I am the driver as she is merry !
J: I love the history art travel and of course holidays..... I looked the gym up on the Internet, looks good, would love to go if you would invite me. I am free Sunday for swimming and coffee!
Chat, brief chat
This morning
J: Hi hun hope you are ok....... Next Sunday ok for you and swimming?
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
I have to say all my dates are younger and one is much younger than me. We will see how it goes. I guess I present better IRL than before
Vanilla, that was my experience too! All but ONE of my dates after my divorce ended up being younger than me (the first guy I dated was 2 years older). Some were actually WAY too young but we still had fun and remain friends.
As for the original question of when is too soon to date - it's too soon to date if you would go back to your ex if they turned up on your doorstep tomorrow all apologetic. You need to be sure you are DONE as otherwise it's not fair to the new person.
That being said, when someone reaches this point is highly variable and a lot depends on what has gone on before. I started dating just 3 months after my ex moved out - BUT - I had successfully DB'd him several years before, we had reconciled and had several good years, then he went off the deep end again and I realized that there was NO WAY I would ever trust him again after a third infidelity. I knew that I would never take him back again and I had plenty of peace in my heart that I had done everything possible for our marriage over the years. I don't regret it - in fact, the new guy I dated was really healing for me and I still have great fondness for him. (We broke up after a year because his childhood sweetheart, the love of his life, came back into the picture - since they are still together 8 years later I really can't be mad at him for that. We are still good friends.)
like you said, for every person that answers you will have a different answer, all over the spectrum.
As for me, I kept being told here that I wasn't ready to date, as kml said, there was no chance I was going back to ex, so I kept saying I was ready.
Then I started OLD, had somehow created this image of meeting someone I would really be attracted to and click with. What a disappointment that was.
Anyway, as the days went by, I realized that I wasn't ready to date. But the reason I wasn't ready to date was not because I wasn't over my ex, it was because I wasn't living the life I wanted. My GAL was great, I had met a lot of people and do/did a lot of activities with them, but I didn't have the type of friends you could just call to go hang out with. I wanted to have the life I want before I try bringing someone into it.
Anyway, I don't want to dissuade you from OLD if you want to try it, go for it... Just know that if it's as frustrating for you as it was for me, it is not indicative of meeting someone in general.
In only about 1 1/2 months since, I have two girls that have made it well known they would like to date me (but I don't feel that towards them), one girl that I want to get to know that I believe feels the same, and another girl that I'm attracted to but is way to young for me.. and some other guys that are cool. We are all having fun, no pressure, we text, chat, and go to planned outings and occasionally to dinner or bar last minute.
Now I have my own life and feel secure that I can date without being co-dependent.
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
Don, V, kml, and C'Nut, thanks for the thoughtful responses on OLD. This gave me a lot to think about.
There is no way I'd ever take XW back. If she appeared as a crying heap on my porch, she'd get my pity and disgust. My trust in her is completely gone. The cruelty and manipulation has been unbearable. Just this morning when dropping off S11, she called me an @sshole right in front of him. That bridge has been burned and reduced to dust.
Yesterday I met up with a friend who's going through a D (I've tried to steer him to this site). He told me he was doing OLD and went on a date with someone he met. (Not something I would do personally until D, but anyway...) He had a great time, but he realized he couldn't go any farther because he might ruin his chances of saving his M. This got me thinking too.
Last night I created a Tinder profile and entered the world of OLD.
I know I'm not ready for anything serious. But I want to be able to go on a date. I want to meet an attractive woman and have a conversation. I want physical affection. I have to take a step into my new world, and this is the step I'm taking.
Me-47,XW-43 S13,S16 M:18 BD:4-23-17 W filed:7-17-17 (5 months of in-house separation hell) W moved out:1-6-18 D granted:2-15-18 Decree signed:3-29-18
Good luck man, conversation was the biggest issue I had with OLD, there was only one person I met OLD that I had a good conversation with. It seemed the better looking they were, the worse the conversation was, and no I'm not saying that "hot" woman can't converse. I think it's probably a by-product of how many messages they get that they feel like they can't take the time to really get to know one person. Or maybe they just couldn't take the time to get to know me, who knows.
I will say that I preferred POF to most of the other sites I tried. It seemed like most of the people were on all the sites, but I liked the functionality of that site the best. But I guess it depends on what you're looking for, Tinder is based solely on looks (i.e. hookup app), so probably the best chance to find the physical affection the fastest.
There is also an app called coffee meets bagel, that one has a lot of built in delays, only showing a few people per day, so I felt like it would give a better chance of getting to know someone without having too many options at once.
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
I am no expert on this at all, but consider a dating coach. I have set myself the target of chatting to two guys a day IRL.
Just chatting to strangers on general stuff and then some practice dates with some lovely men who I would like as friends as much as anything. No expectation.
If there are 6m peeps on dating web sites, they must be wandering around everywhere.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
V that's a brilliant idea. I was married for 24 years and basically never looked at another man during that time. Perhaps it was a lack of imagination, but I was busy rearing kids and loved my husband, so I never even flirted.
Back when me ex had his affair and I was DBing the marriage back together the first time, one 180 for me was to lighten up a little, be less serious. I don't know what the different vibe I was giving off was about, but suddenly the world was full of men flirting with me. Maybe I just finally opened my eyes to see it. Or maybe I carried myself with more of a sense of possibility, I don't know. Men joked with me in the grocery store line, young men tried to invite me to their house parties as I walked by on the street. I thought, "wow, why wasn't it like this when I was young and single?". But I can see now that I was projecting a more approachable, less defensive, more fun version of me than in my twenties.
One thing I've learned in midlife dating- confidence is sexy. Dress in what makes you feel good, be friendly and outgoing (even if you're an introvert like me). I'm now much more likely to chat with a stranger in the Starbucks line and you never know who you might meet.
