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Joined: Jun 2017
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Hey!

I've been active for a while in Newcomers. My mediation was successful and my D will happen any day now, so I think it's time for me to ascend to the next level.

Here's a link to my latest thread in newcomers: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2773856&page=1

Intro and recap for those who may not know me:

Married 19 years with 2 kids: S11 and S15. XW has always been very bossy. She spent most of our M never being satisfied with much. She was very career oriented and usually came home around their bedtime. She was a great weekend mom, acting as the scout leader, planning activities and photo ops. But I was the one with the kids every night, getting them fed, helping them with homework. I was a typical "nice guy", always trying to accommodate her, but secretly getting resentful of her apparent lack of care over me or her kids. We had a SSM, where it went from maybe twice a month, to once a month, and then once every few months. I felt like she had broken my libido. I got a vasectomy about 6 years ago, since a "close call" scared the F out of me and made me realize I'd be raising another child while she pretended to be Wonder Woman. Everyone gets fat in M, and while I put on around 25 pounds, XW put on 80 - it wasn't an issue for me though. We went to MC 3 times over the course of our M. It would get better for a while, but then the status quo would return.

Around December of 2016 I started to get low-level depression about the state of my life and especially our M. She got into fitness and started losing weight. I could feel her slipping away, becoming more distant. There were times I thought about D. But then my sister went through her own D and I saw how absolutely destructive it was, especially for the kids.

Soon after that, in April of 2017, I had BD, where XW informed me she was thinking about D. She blamed me for the faults in our M, and said the M is what caused her to gain so much weight. I was a complete mess and did all the wrong stuff for about a month, and I lost 25 pounds. Then I discovered DBing, and I bought the DR book. I did a really cr@ppy job of DBing at first, but then slowly got better, until she told me she wanted to D in July. That happened at the same time she'd been having inappropriate communications with a man, who was long distance (I saw on her phone). We told the kids about the D a week later, and they were devastated. XW was unfazed by their tears. Second to BD, that was the worst day of my life.

The OM sitch and her final decision to D sent me into an anger phase that took months to come out of. She got a L and filed. I got a L. She refused to move out and I endured 7 months of in-house separation h3ll. I was cold and non-communicative - I knew this wasn't good DB'ing, but it was the best I could do. She was angry, manipulative, and cruel (you can scour my threads for the juicy bits). It was during this time that I finally started to see I might be better off without her in my life. I finally wanted the D too.

She moved out in January, we had mediation a week later, and now we're just waiting for the decree to be finalized. We have 50/50 custody of the kids with alternating weeks. I got to keep the marital home, which was a big deal for me. I feel like all the darkness is clearing away and I can finally imagine a good future for myself.

Since mediation she's been mean and is obviously angry. I just want to move on with my life and experience some positivity. Any time I have to interact with her is still uncomfortable, but it's getting easier.

My weeks alone I spend reorganizing the house, going out with friends, and meeting with a NGS support group. The GAL is finally feeling like it's just for me. I have fleeting moments of sadness, but overall I feel pretty positive. I do a lot of talking to myself at home, to work through emotions. Sometimes I talk out loud to XW, and I can say whatever I want to her. I feel like it helps.

When I have the kids, things are pretty much normal feeling. XW was never around much, so I'm used to doing "all the things". We're all in the house, going about work and school, like we've done for years. There's an empty chair at the kitchen table, but most nights it was empty anyway.

About 5 years ago there was a TV show called Awake, where this guy wakes up each day in one of 2 realities, where either his wife or son died in a car crash.

Switching between these weeks makes me feel like I'm living 2 parallel lives. One where I'm a single guy rediscovering himself. The other where I'm the same dad I've always been. It's weird.

I've been thinking about dating. I know the wisdom here is that it's too soon. Maybe it is. I still think about it and build my mental list of what I'm looking for in a woman. It's mostly the exact opposite of XW.


Me-47,XW-43
S13,S16
M:18
BD:4-23-17
W filed:7-17-17
(5 months of in-house separation hell)
W moved out:1-6-18
D granted:2-15-18
Decree signed:3-29-18

Your future is out there. Go find it.
Joined: Oct 2015
Posts: 805
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Hey Holding! Welcome smile


Me: 48, XH: 42
T: 18 years, M: 15 years

EA/PA 1: 6/2012
EA/PA 2: from autumn 2012-present

BD: 5/2013
ILYBNILWY BD & left: 10/2015

OW conceived: 8/2016
Born: 4/2017

H filed: 7/2017
D final: 28/12/2017
Joined: Jun 2017
Posts: 826
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Thanks, Focus!


Me-47,XW-43
S13,S16
M:18
BD:4-23-17
W filed:7-17-17
(5 months of in-house separation hell)
W moved out:1-6-18
D granted:2-15-18
Decree signed:3-29-18

Your future is out there. Go find it.
Joined: Feb 2016
Posts: 1,866
Likes: 1
J
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Welcome.

Great point. Being divorced does feel like living 2 parallel lives! Its no longer about living 100% for your family.
Suddenly (if you share custody) you get
"me time". Something i imagine the walkaways desperatly wanted. I know a few overwhelmed parents that would love an every other weekend to themselves. To be young again. Flirt, date.

And it is fun. I still would have preferred the traditional family unit though.


M: 42
H: 43
Twins age 5
WAH in summer
Joined: Jun 2017
Posts: 826
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Thanks, JujuB.

Originally Posted By: JujuB
And it is fun. I still would have preferred the traditional family unit though.


Amen, sister!


Me-47,XW-43
S13,S16
M:18
BD:4-23-17
W filed:7-17-17
(5 months of in-house separation hell)
W moved out:1-6-18
D granted:2-15-18
Decree signed:3-29-18

Your future is out there. Go find it.
Joined: Jun 2017
Posts: 826
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Holding Offline OP
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OP Offline
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Joined: Jun 2017
Posts: 826
Crosspost from my thread in the Newcomers Forum. Maybe some of y'all have some insight on this issue:

Need some advice on whether I'm doing the right thing with "coparenting".

(I put that word in quotes because I freaking hate it. "Gee, maybe if we give it a nice name, it'll be less awful." Let's call it what it is: parenting when divorced.)

Anyway, a few days ago S15's teacher called at the house (my house) asking for us to call her about his recent performance in class. I sent XW a message on the messaging website letting her know about the call and passing along the teacher's number. Then the next day I called the teacher myself and talked about the issue with her. Later in the evening (after the school day was over), XW messaged me asking when we could do a conference call with the teacher. I responded that I wasn't aware we needed to call the teacher together, and I'd already talked with the teacher. I offered to give her a recap of the convo if she'd like. Otherwise she's free to call the teacher herself.

XW has sent me a message sarcastically thanking me for including her, and how she takes issue with me doing things solo because it makes her appear as an absent parent. Then she went on about how we're coparenting and need to do everything together. she finished with "Anything less is unacceptable". She loves to use that word.

I can see her point of view to a degree, but I think it's ironic that she's throwing an accusation at me after she asked me not to make accusations to her several days ago.

So how am I supposed to manage this? Was I a bad "coparent" by making the call solo? We've never discussed that we need to do these things together, and I haven't kept any information from her.

I admit there's room for improvement here and finding a new equilibrium, but d@mn, I can't deal with the attitude!


Me-47,XW-43
S13,S16
M:18
BD:4-23-17
W filed:7-17-17
(5 months of in-house separation hell)
W moved out:1-6-18
D granted:2-15-18
Decree signed:3-29-18

Your future is out there. Go find it.
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 8,855
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You are a dad and kids always come first. Every time.

There are many ways of approaching parenting, I fostered for a long time and thus have trod the difficult path of including warring parents.

If the two of you put your kids first then you caneed co-parent. That means together. If not then you are parallel parenting. Each of you doing that which is needed on your own dime.

Other parents here canow guide you better. My view is kids come first always.

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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I would have done the same as you. I would have called the teacher on my own and passed along the information. It would be more convenient and more efficient for me that way. Which is better for the kids. I like to know and take care of these types of things asap. And having to coordinate times with the other person just makes things complicated. Thankfully my ex is fine with this. And I keep him in the loop. He is more then welcome to call the teachers on his own.

Maybe in the future you can get around this by making the call by yourself and then offer to schedule an additional meeting with all of you for the future if the problem with your child does not
get resolved.

To me it seems like your ex cares more about how it appears for the teacher then the actual issue with your child. If i was her, I would have been focused on what the teacher said about my child as opposed to you making it look like shes an absent parent.

I am dealing with another mom (yup shes a walkaway) that has a similar attitude. She is bat sh!t crazy. And the things your ex says "We need to do everything together. anything less is unacceptable" are things controlling but incompetent people say. Your wife sounds controlling and incompetent and concerned only about appearances.


M: 42
H: 43
Twins age 5
WAH in summer
Joined: Oct 2015
Posts: 805
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I didn't want to give any thoughts about the childcare side of things, as I don't have children and don't feel qualified to say anything about that, but the thing that jumped out at me straight away was the 'we need to do everything together, anything less is unacceptable' felt like quite a controlling thing to say.

This seems to be quite a common feature of S who leave (maybe particularly those that have been having As as well). You probably know all this already. And I'm guessing it's going to crop up in various guises and over time.

The XW of my partner (they've now been separated 7 years and D for maybe 5 years. She had an A) said to him a couple of months ago 'if you lose the dog I'll kill you. It's like a child to me'. We were taking his daughter and her dog for a walk in the hills. The dog has run away a couple of times in the past when it's been off the lead.

He didn't react to what she said in front of her, I reckon he's become a master of non-reacting. She probably didn't even consider/think/notice what was going on his side of things, but he was really upset and angry privately. And it had the effect of him wanting to keep her at arm's length even more.

Back to how to deal with it...


Me: 48, XH: 42
T: 18 years, M: 15 years

EA/PA 1: 6/2012
EA/PA 2: from autumn 2012-present

BD: 5/2013
ILYBNILWY BD & left: 10/2015

OW conceived: 8/2016
Born: 4/2017

H filed: 7/2017
D final: 28/12/2017
Joined: Jun 2017
Posts: 826
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V, JujuB, and Focus, thanks for the feedback. I ended up responding with "If you'd like to be included in calls in the future, I'm willing to coordinate. Would you like to know the details of what I discussed with his teacher?" So far, no response. I realize I spent WAY too much time giving this issue mental space. I need to work on that.

V, I want to put my kids first. I feel like everything I do, XW has to pop her head in and say, "what about me?" I'm not sure if that means we're headed to parallel parenting instead of coparenting. Honestly, I'm fine with the parallel route if that makes it easier for me. XW's attitude is really dragging me down.

Originally Posted By: JujuB
Maybe in the future you can get around this by making the call by yourself and then offer to schedule an additional meeting with all of you for the future if the problem with your child does not get resolved.


That's a good suggestion, and I'll try it. But I have a feeling XW will say no, she wants to be involved in the first call. But I'll make a prediction - after me reaching out to her for a few times to schedule calls, she'll get tired of it and tell me to handle it myself when it's "my week" and just let her know what was discussed.

Originally Posted By: JujuB
To me it seems like your ex cares more about how it appears for the teacher then the actual issue with your child. If i was her, I would have been focused on what the teacher said about my child as opposed to you making it look like shes an absent parent.


I think you're right. Notice how she never asked me for details of what I discussed with the teacher? And it's not how the teacher views it per se. I think she wants the records to show she was involved. I wouldn't be surprised if my XW tries to come back later and get primary custody - she's very competitive and doesn't like to lose (50/50 custody is a ding to her supermom image).

Originally Posted By: JujuB
I am dealing with another mom (yup shes a walkaway) that has a similar attitude. She is bat sh!t crazy. And the things your ex says "We need to do everything together. anything less is unacceptable" are things controlling but incompetent people say. Your wife sounds controlling and incompetent and concerned only about appearances.


When did you meet my XW? Seriously, "controlling and incompetent" hits the nail on the head. She is all about appearances and is obsessed with Facebook.

Originally Posted By: focus22
the thing that jumped out at me straight away was the 'we need to do everything together, anything less is unacceptable' felt like quite a controlling thing to say.

This seems to be quite a common feature of S who leave (maybe particularly those that have been having As as well). You probably know all this already. And I'm guessing it's going to crop up in various guises and over time.


Yes, XW was very used to controlling me, and she's very angry that I'm putting up boundaries to stop that. And there was an EA and possibly a PA.

She honestly thought our old life and way of interacting would continue (me always being the nice guy and picking up her slack), with the exception that we'd be living in different houses.

Originally Posted By: focus22
The XW of my partner (they've now been separated 7 years and D for maybe 5 years. She had an A) said to him a couple of months ago 'if you lose the dog I'll kill you. It's like a child to me'.


Oh God. That's insane! I'm going to assume her tone was not joking.

Originally Posted By: focus22
He didn't react to what she said in front of her, I reckon he's become a master of non-reacting. She probably didn't even consider/think/notice what was going on his side of things, but he was really upset and angry privately. And it had the effect of him wanting to keep her at arm's length even more.


Good for him for not reacting. Luckily my XW and I don't have many face-to-face interactions, it's all via messages on the familywizard. So I can take my time with reactions and respond in a formal way. But I think XW enjoys pushing my buttons, so she will be looking for ways to get under my skin in person.


Me-47,XW-43
S13,S16
M:18
BD:4-23-17
W filed:7-17-17
(5 months of in-house separation hell)
W moved out:1-6-18
D granted:2-15-18
Decree signed:3-29-18

Your future is out there. Go find it.
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