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A Message from Michele
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#2778578 - 02/13/18 03:14 AM Re: Crack, break, breathe, expand [Re: bttrfly]
ciluzen Offline
Member

Registered: 09/28/15
Posts: 931
Loc: Washington
Originally Posted By: bttrfly
"When you start to crack open, don’t waste a moment gathering your old self up into something like you knew before. Let your new self splash like sunlight into every dark place and laugh and cry and make sounds you never made & thank all that is holy for the gift...."
-Brian Andreas, writer


Oooh...I like this very much. Thank you for finding these words and sharing them.
You are a source of strength or at the very least, an inspiring poster and friend even when you are sharing your struggles with all that you have going on. I know I learn so much from you that I often have to pause and consider how I am looking at things in my own life. Keep being you and telling your story, Btttrfly!
_________________________
M-50 H-53
2D-26 and 25
M-26 yrs
Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15
He moved out 10-3-15
D filed 1-27-16
D final 10-27-16

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#2778641 - 02/13/18 01:03 PM Re: Crack, break, breathe, expand [Re: ciluzen]
bttrfly Offline
Member

Registered: 06/22/15
Posts: 2115
Loc: Massachusetts
thx Job and Cil. {{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}
You know, I almost didn't post that quote, but then I thought, WTH - it's so in keeping with the title of this thread.

Thanks, Cil, for the encouragement. It's been a difficult several days with Dad, who is h@ll-bent on throwing up obstacles to his healing process. Who tries to drive 4 weeks after having a plate put into their leg??? I could go on for days, let's just say I'm worried about him, but even more worried about Mom who is trying her best to cope with it all. He's not making it easy.

I decided to send him a card and include a letter, telling him how I feel about him and this situation, offering empathy but also reiterating certain boundaries that the doctors have set for the next month or so. He loves to get mail, so I'm hoping this will reach him since talking hasn't.

I'm not going to lie, my heart has felt heavy since writing him. I love my dad. I hate to see him so down and depressed because he can't do things he's always done. We're incredibly lucky to have him and especially lucky that he survived this ordeal; I try not to think about what almost happened but sometimes it creeps in there, in the deeper recesses of my mind.

Anyway, he's home. Today I worked at my "day job" and also taught a workshop in the middle of the day. I really enjoyed the students and the class. I'm teaching another workshop tomorrow.

I know that tomorrow is Valentine's Day and also Ash Wednesday for anyone practicing, which means fasting, etc. So son and I had a nice dinner tonight and I surprised him with cannoli, chocolate covered strawberries, an iced coffee (his favorite) and a sweet card. I also splurged and bought myself some gorgeous garden roses at whole foods - $10 a bunch! - because gosh darn it, I'm worth a little self-love!

Been up since 4am and it will be another early day tomorrow, so I'm just going to end with this: despite the fact that we are not with our spouses, I think it's still important to acknowledge love and Valentine's Day is a great day to do that. So, buy yourself a little present, give yourself a hug, and by all means please take a few minutes to acknowledge how hard you've worked to make yourself a better version of the person who first found this place.

None of us know what our outcomes will be, but one thing is for sure - this is a wonderful group of people, and our spouses are definitely missing out! xoxoxo much love all, g'night!

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#2778722 - 02/14/18 02:58 PM Re: Crack, break, breathe, expand [Re: bttrfly]
Kyh Offline
Member

Registered: 12/08/15
Posts: 419
(((bttrfly))) I'm sorry your dad is making things difficult. Hopefully your card helps.
Originally Posted By: bttrfly

I try not to think about what almost happened but sometimes it creeps in there, in the deeper recesses of my mind.


I've struggled with this since s was sick. For awhile I was unable to sleep and then waking up in the night and having to check the kids to make sure they were breathing before I could go back to sleep. I've got a lot better about it but I used (still do time to time) the stop sign thing from DB and it helped get my mind to stop going down that path.

Keeping you and your family in my thoughts.

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#2778802 - 02/15/18 01:11 PM Re: Crack, break, breathe, expand [Re: Kyh]
bttrfly Offline
Member

Registered: 06/22/15
Posts: 2115
Loc: Massachusetts
thx Kyh. He doesn't make it easy. Today was particularly ugly. I'm not going to go into the details, because they aren't important. What is important is that I'm identifying areas that need my attention if I'm going to live a functional, healthy life.

Mom and I were talking and she said, "I don't know, you were never like this before the divorce. Since then you just won't take it, from anybody. It seems like you can't."

The "it" she was referring to is a combination of triggers that turns me into a cold, harsh, B of a person. If I'm triggered, I'm likely to walk out, or tell someone in no uncertain terms that I'm finished, and the scary thing is, I mean it. This is, truly, new, and not necessarily better.

Obviously this is not in keeping with my personality and the rest of my nature. I think it's a PTSD response. So, I'm busy trying to ID the various triggers as there is work to be done there!!!

Oh, and it didn't help that the upstairs apartment's CO detector went off last night and the apartment filled with CO because my boiler's vent was completely clogged since no one had serviced it in years, at least 4, perhaps more. I woke up to banging on my door and red lights outside to find 5 firemen in my tiny foyer asking if I was ok, and could they come in and take meter readings. They had to shut off my heat, and I had to wait a few hours for the repairman to come, fix what he could so he could turn the heat back on. Then I had to try to go to sleep without worrying that something would happen again. I'm now working on about 3 hours of very disturbed sleep, as I was nervous that something might happen. Ugh. Just Ugh. I'm glad my upstairs neighbor is safe and grateful she called the fire dept. I had both boilers serviced today, and told the landlord they'd send him the bill.

I've started packing. I know. Let's call it packing and purging for the next big move, four months and counting ...
_________________________
M 20+ T25+
BD April 6, 2015
D Final 12/23/16

Gratitude, love, compassion, humor, service

"And the days that I keep my gratitude higher than my expectations, well, I have really good days"

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