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A Message from Michele
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Re: Crack, break, breathe, expand [Re: bttrfly] #2778578
02/13/18 03:14 AM
02/13/18 03:14 AM
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ciluzen Offline
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Originally Posted By: bttrfly
"When you start to crack open, don’t waste a moment gathering your old self up into something like you knew before. Let your new self splash like sunlight into every dark place and laugh and cry and make sounds you never made & thank all that is holy for the gift...."
-Brian Andreas, writer


Oooh...I like this very much. Thank you for finding these words and sharing them.
You are a source of strength or at the very least, an inspiring poster and friend even when you are sharing your struggles with all that you have going on. I know I learn so much from you that I often have to pause and consider how I am looking at things in my own life. Keep being you and telling your story, Btttrfly!


M-51 H-54
2D-27 and 25
M-26 yrs
Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15
He moved out 10-3-15
D filed 1-27-16
D final 10-27-16

Kindness, kindness, kindness.
Re: Crack, break, breathe, expand [Re: ciluzen] #2778641
02/13/18 01:03 PM
02/13/18 01:03 PM
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bttrfly Offline OP
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thx Job and Cil. {{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}
You know, I almost didn't post that quote, but then I thought, WTH - it's so in keeping with the title of this thread.

Thanks, Cil, for the encouragement. It's been a difficult several days with Dad, who is h@ll-bent on throwing up obstacles to his healing process. Who tries to drive 4 weeks after having a plate put into their leg??? I could go on for days, let's just say I'm worried about him, but even more worried about Mom who is trying her best to cope with it all. He's not making it easy.

I decided to send him a card and include a letter, telling him how I feel about him and this situation, offering empathy but also reiterating certain boundaries that the doctors have set for the next month or so. He loves to get mail, so I'm hoping this will reach him since talking hasn't.

I'm not going to lie, my heart has felt heavy since writing him. I love my dad. I hate to see him so down and depressed because he can't do things he's always done. We're incredibly lucky to have him and especially lucky that he survived this ordeal; I try not to think about what almost happened but sometimes it creeps in there, in the deeper recesses of my mind.

Anyway, he's home. Today I worked at my "day job" and also taught a workshop in the middle of the day. I really enjoyed the students and the class. I'm teaching another workshop tomorrow.

I know that tomorrow is Valentine's Day and also Ash Wednesday for anyone practicing, which means fasting, etc. So son and I had a nice dinner tonight and I surprised him with cannoli, chocolate covered strawberries, an iced coffee (his favorite) and a sweet card. I also splurged and bought myself some gorgeous garden roses at whole foods - $10 a bunch! - because gosh darn it, I'm worth a little self-love!

Been up since 4am and it will be another early day tomorrow, so I'm just going to end with this: despite the fact that we are not with our spouses, I think it's still important to acknowledge love and Valentine's Day is a great day to do that. So, buy yourself a little present, give yourself a hug, and by all means please take a few minutes to acknowledge how hard you've worked to make yourself a better version of the person who first found this place.

None of us know what our outcomes will be, but one thing is for sure - this is a wonderful group of people, and our spouses are definitely missing out! xoxoxo much love all, g'night!

Re: Crack, break, breathe, expand [Re: bttrfly] #2778722
02/14/18 02:58 PM
02/14/18 02:58 PM
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Kyh Offline
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(((bttrfly))) I'm sorry your dad is making things difficult. Hopefully your card helps.
Originally Posted By: bttrfly

I try not to think about what almost happened but sometimes it creeps in there, in the deeper recesses of my mind.


I've struggled with this since s was sick. For awhile I was unable to sleep and then waking up in the night and having to check the kids to make sure they were breathing before I could go back to sleep. I've got a lot better about it but I used (still do time to time) the stop sign thing from DB and it helped get my mind to stop going down that path.

Keeping you and your family in my thoughts.

Re: Crack, break, breathe, expand [Re: Kyh] #2778802
02/15/18 01:11 PM
02/15/18 01:11 PM
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bttrfly Offline OP
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thx Kyh. He doesn't make it easy. Today was particularly ugly. I'm not going to go into the details, because they aren't important. What is important is that I'm identifying areas that need my attention if I'm going to live a functional, healthy life.

Mom and I were talking and she said, "I don't know, you were never like this before the divorce. Since then you just won't take it, from anybody. It seems like you can't."

The "it" she was referring to is a combination of triggers that turns me into a cold, harsh, B of a person. If I'm triggered, I'm likely to walk out, or tell someone in no uncertain terms that I'm finished, and the scary thing is, I mean it. This is, truly, new, and not necessarily better.

Obviously this is not in keeping with my personality and the rest of my nature. I think it's a PTSD response. So, I'm busy trying to ID the various triggers as there is work to be done there!!!

Oh, and it didn't help that the upstairs apartment's CO detector went off last night and the apartment filled with CO because my boiler's vent was completely clogged since no one had serviced it in years, at least 4, perhaps more. I woke up to banging on my door and red lights outside to find 5 firemen in my tiny foyer asking if I was ok, and could they come in and take meter readings. They had to shut off my heat, and I had to wait a few hours for the repairman to come, fix what he could so he could turn the heat back on. Then I had to try to go to sleep without worrying that something would happen again. I'm now working on about 3 hours of very disturbed sleep, as I was nervous that something might happen. Ugh. Just Ugh. I'm glad my upstairs neighbor is safe and grateful she called the fire dept. I had both boilers serviced today, and told the landlord they'd send him the bill.

I've started packing. I know. Let's call it packing and purging for the next big move, four months and counting ...


M 20+ T25+
BD April 6, 2015
D Final 12/23/16

Gratitude, love, compassion, humor, service

"And the days that I keep my gratitude higher than my expectations, well, I have really good days"
Re: Crack, break, breathe, expand [Re: bttrfly] #2779108
02/19/18 06:06 AM
02/19/18 06:06 AM
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bttrfly Offline OP
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I don't know if any of you have seen a pair of videos by Will Smith ... one is on fault vs responsibility; the other is on happiness and relationships.

Both resonated with me for very different reasons, but most especially the happiness and relationships video brought me right back to BD.

I will tell you this: the next time I'm discussing "where is this relationship going" with a potential partner, I am absolutely going to tell him that I am not at all responsible for his happiness in any way, shape or form. If he expects me to be, then he can continue looking for someone else. I cannot tell you how strongly I feel about this.

This LBS journey isn't for the faint of heart, but it definitely has perks, not the least of which is finding and keeping yourself. Right now, that's the most important relationship in my life - even beyond being a mom - because if I don't have me, I don't have anything to share with anyone else in my life.

So, google Will Smith videos. Let me know what you think.

xoxoxo much love


M 20+ T25+
BD April 6, 2015
D Final 12/23/16

Gratitude, love, compassion, humor, service

"And the days that I keep my gratitude higher than my expectations, well, I have really good days"
Re: Crack, break, breathe, expand [Re: bttrfly] #2779131
02/19/18 09:24 AM
02/19/18 09:24 AM
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ciluzen Offline
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Watched them both. There was a lot that resonated with me, too. I have been struggling lately with with a lot of feelings about XH lately that have been making my reading assignments very hard to get through. So much information on relationships and so many emotions and thoughts tied in to what I'm learning...I'm looking at my marriage and relationships in general in a whole new light.

I'm also sort of seeing a man that I met online after posting very strict boundaries. I thought I'd shot myself in the foot by doing that, but a) I can tell right away if they actually read my profile and b) those that have and still contact me seem to be people I'm more likely to match with. This guy seems to have many of the qualities I liked in XH, but not so much the one's I don't care for (many are time will tell types,though). My trust is a bit damaged, as you can see.

Anyway, yes. The Will Smith videos really got me thinking. I have the understanding (as much as I can without XH help), empathy and compassion about his behavior, but that's just it...it's his behavior. Its that control piece that I find myself resisting. I want to be mad at that behavior I can't control and to tell him all of the things I'm learning so that he can be aware of everything I now see. But I'm concentrating on him more than me some days. And what Mr. Smith says is true. We need to understand that it is not our fault (completely...)that our spouse left, but it our responsibility to move on or deal with it in a healthy way that enables us to have a chance at happiness. And it is up to us to make us happy...only us. Not someone else. We need to find our own happiness and then we can bring that to the table as a part of us from the get go in any relationship we enter or re-enter.

I'd seen these pop up on my FB, Bttrfly, but put them off for later. Thank you for calling it to our attention that it was worth a look. There is wisdom in many places if you take the time to look for it.


M-51 H-54
2D-27 and 25
M-26 yrs
Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15
He moved out 10-3-15
D filed 1-27-16
D final 10-27-16

Kindness, kindness, kindness.
Re: Crack, break, breathe, expand [Re: ciluzen] #2779133
02/19/18 09:34 AM
02/19/18 09:34 AM
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I've just been watching Will Smith in one of his films but I had no idea he did videos like this, I'll definitely have a look.

Hugs (((bttrfly)))


Me - 47
H - 45
D-16
M - 6 years
Separated - May 16

Don't leave me behind can't you see me I'm shining... (Years & Years - 'Shine')
Re: Crack, break, breathe, expand [Re: Coly23] #2779155
02/19/18 04:08 PM
02/19/18 04:08 PM
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Hi bttrfly, catching up on your posts…
Originally Posted By: bttrfly
I also had a surprise conversation with old and formerly close family friends who called out of the blue. We'd lost touch about a year before BD. They didn't know about the D. They each said in separate conversations with me that they thought I'd have been the one to leave, they thought I'd get sick of exh's BS. Interesting. Also interesting is that I told them the truth of it, not some varnished version protecting the not so innocent. I felt no need to make excuses. I owned my part in it but laid out the facts unemotionally. I was asked point blank if I love exh. My first response was I feel nothing, and that's true. It's a little scary - spending more than half a lifetime with someone, having a deep love and connection and now I feel nothing? I sat with that feeling during our conversation and realized eventually that yes, I guess I do still love him, somewhere deep down inside of me, but I no longer like him. He wasn't just my lover, my husband, he was also my dearest friend. I genuinely enjoyed his company.
This resonated with me. I think that a lot of people who are not close friends with me or H think that it was my idea to end the marriage. I think they would be surprised to learn that actually H left, not me. I also understand about the feelings. I went through many emotions and I tried to tell myself that I should not have any feelings towards H after what he put me through. But, with time, my emotions settled and I think I still have some love for H, but, like you, I don’t like him. At the same time, I think this was a justification for him to leave me as well, with ILYBINILWY...

And this…
Originally Posted By: bttrfly
The IC asked me some questions which made me realize that I'm fully stepping into a different me, post D. All that work of the past three years, the inner journey of the LBS, I am really feeling like a different person. It's an elaboration of what I posted on DnJ's thread, really about finding core principles and values and nurturing them. I'm grateful for this time I've taken to discover myself in this way.
This is great, bttrfly! I know that I’m not the same person I was at the time of BD. My friends also tell me that.

I have no doubt you can tackle your financial project with exh just fine. I can see more and more strength in you. I’ve been on this journey longer than you, and I still have similar blues, and sad feelings, and anger once in a while. I know how to get through these by now. It will only get better, bttrfly. Keep moving on!


M:50
H:52
S28 (my S from previous marriage)
M:17 + 3
BD: 06/12
S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Re: Crack, break, breathe, expand [Re: BrightFuture] #2779804
02/24/18 01:19 PM
02/24/18 01:19 PM
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mleigh4 Offline
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Hi Bttrfly,

I'm sorry to see your dad is being stubborn, it sounds like he has spirit in him. I hope your letter gets him to start listening better.

After 4 years, I still feel like I am getting to know the new me. I guess we keep changing and evolving....I also know most of my changes come from the pain my spouse brought on. I think the good thing here is that we face it instead of run from it. We are here to learn from one another and support each other. You have so much wisdom and inspiration in your posts and often I hear your words in my mind.

I have not heard about these Will Smith videos. I will definitely look those up.

Thank you for the info ((hugs))
M


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
Re: Crack, break, breathe, expand [Re: mleigh4] #2779923
02/26/18 05:42 AM
02/26/18 05:42 AM
Joined: Nov 2016
Posts: 2,224
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Gordie Online
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Butterfly—how are you?


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 but still not sure
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