New LBS - need advice, part deux

[apothem]

Hey everyone,

My last thread hit its limit, so I'm starting a new one. Here's the old thread for reference: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2776453#Post2776453

I need some advice regarding filing the taxes. I was advised by several individuals to not e-file her taxes without her being present and being the one to actually file.

I need some help figuring out how to frame this to her as I don't want to come across like I don't want to do her taxes or I'm trying to make an excuse to see her. I'm thinking of texting her something like "Hey, in order to file your taxes I need you to enter some information and e-sign the forms. If you'd like, I can load everything up on my computer and you can come fill out the required information."

Any advice on how to frame this would be much appreciated. I'm going to message her tomorrow night.

[apothem]

Oh, and one more thing. I had a realization of sorts today that has been helping me detach and GAL.


I thought to myself what if she were to come back right now, would I be in the right state of mind and confident that I'd continue to be the best person I can be? Alternatively, would I be in the right state of mind and confident I could have a relationship with anyone right now?

The answer is no. It helped me realize I have just as much work, growing, and discovering myself as she does, regardless of the outcome of our situation. As Cadet says, she really did give me the gift of time. This entire situation made me realize things about myself that I never considered to be detrimental to relationships only until now.

That epiphany has changed my outlook on this entire situation and the DB program. I truly see now that it is for ME to help become the best me and to focus on the journey, not the destination.

[apothem]

Does anyone have any suggestions for how I should approach the tax situation in my first post?

[apothem]

Hey everyone,

Just providing an update. I didn't have any problems letting her know about the tax situation. Additionally, she came by my house yesterday for a few minutes to pick up her mail and tax forms. We spoke for a little bit, it was pleasant, but mostly about logistics. I told her I'm packing up the rest of her things and will leave them in the front room of the house with her name on them. She said she'll come by some time this week to grab them. She did compliment the house being clean, again.

I asked her how work was going and we made a little small talk. I remained respectful, validated, looked her in the eyes, etc. I also made sure to end the conversation. I told her "have a good night" and then walked away to the living room. She then left a few seconds later.

One thing I noticed throughout the conversation is that she had a hard time looking me in the face/eyes. She would for a couple seconds and then start looking at the ground or the wall. I know it's most likely guilt. Also, I was dressed rather nice with jeans, a t-shirt, and my hair was done, clean shaven, etc. This is out of the ordinary for me, as when I'm home I'm usually in sweatpants or something comfortable and my hair isn't done. She looked rather disheveled and when I looked in her eyes I could tell she wasn't really happy.

But, that's not my problem right now. I'm focusing on me and it's really been helping. I didn't feel any negative or sad feelings when she left. It was strictly business. That is a huge step for me. I still love her, but detaching is making this process much easier.

This is the first time she's seen me in almost a month. I've lost almost 30lbs and am under 200lbs for the first time in 7 years. My face has slimmed considerably and I look great. I've been sticking to a strict diet of 1500 calories a day and doing minor exercise such as walking, pushups, situps, etc.

Something else I've been doing is being more decisive, confident, and shedding my Mr. Nice Guy. I have noticed a change in my interactions with people and they have been much more positive. My last few interactions with my wife I've been utilizing my new set of skills and I can tell a difference in how she reacts. When she first met me I was confident, decisive, etc. She loved that about me, however over the years I became much more of the "whatever you want honey" type of guys. I'm working on being that confident guy again.

Anyway, just wanted to post an update and journal our interactions.

[apothem]

Just wanted to journal a bit here and receive some feedback.

It appears my wife is beginning to ghost my son. She saw him last week and he asked her again a few days ago to hang out sometime this week. She told him they can definitely hang out this week. However, he's messaged her a few times and she hasn't been responding the last couple of days to him. It worries me that she might just be dropping off the face of the earth to all of us. My son really loves her and already has abandonment issues from his mom moving to South Carolina in August.

I know I'm only about a month and a half into this whole process and this can takes many months or even years to sort itself out. One positive thing I'd like to report is I've had several friends and family members compliment me and comment that "everyone always talks about changing; but you're really doing it." That made me feel great about the path I've chosen to take. I even feel better day to day now about myself.

I can't change how my wife thinks, but if I continue improving myself and GAL, the universe will deliver people to me who I deserve. Whether or not she's included in that isn't up to me.

[apothem]

Hi everyone,

I had another coaching session with Leni last night. I filled her in on what happened in the last week and she's pretty convinced my wife is having an affair. She instructed me to continue to remain friendly and not confront her as that will push her further away which is not what I want right now.

She wants me to reach out to my wife every once in a while as I would a friend - ask her how her day was or how she's doing. We did an exercise where I answered questions as my wife. It helped gain some insight and perspective into why my wife wants a divorce and is possibly seeking another person.

I'm continuing GAL and my 180s, the prospect of my wife having an affair hasn't changed anything for me as the possibility of it has always been in the back of my mind since she asked for a divorce. I'm actually having a few friends over tonight for dinner - the first time in a long while I've had a group of friends at my house.

Leni also wants me to begin writing what is essentially a last resort letter. She wants me to apologize for the things I did that lead to the breakdown of our marriage. She suggested that I write that I'm working on improving myself through books, coaching, and therapy - and that the changes are for myself because I know the man I want to be regardless of what happens with my wife and I.

She instructed me to NOT send the letter until I've reviewed it with her in our next session. My feelings for my wife haven't changed, I still love her and understand that an affair is a symptom of the problems in our marriage. I also understand that the chance of my wife coming back is very low, but at the end of everything I want to be able to say I tried everything I could.

If there is any chance of reconciliation I need to get my wife back on my side before discussing any of the things she did that contributed to our marital issues - which I understand can take many, many months.

[marina7]

Apothem,
Hello, read some of your stitch it breaks my heart as she ghosting your son unfortunately some of them do some of the WAW take it out on the kids. My W did at first I was her unhappiness then she went in to saying I force the kids on her which we adopted together.
My therapist thinks is another way for our W to hurt us. My W knows my children's are my weakness as any parents out here. So of course W uses mt s9 to control me and literally abandoned the 2 youngest. Things got bad to the point W yelled to kids I never wanted ya. All I can say is protect your son and let him know he hasn't done anything reassure him is not him. Take him to therapy because our kids already have abandonment issue from biological mom now there other mom left them too now they think they are bas kidd thank God I listen to my mom took them to therapy and she was right my children's thinks W left because of them they hate themselves but we been working on it and there confidence is coming back and they are smiling again. We as LBS loose focus on everything and can't see that are kid's are hurting more than we are. So hang close to your son he will become your Bestfriend and you will become his super hero because I know I became Super Dama. And my kids are my best friend and wouldn't have it no other way.

[apothem]

Hi Marina,

Yeah, it really is awful for my son. I started therapy for him about a week after we broke the news to him about the divorce. Her ghosting him is something we will talk about at his next session.

My DB Coach, Leni, suggested that my wife should be the one to tell my son that she no longer wishes to maintain contact. She said I shouldn't be the one to break that news and that it would be better coming from my wife. During my next coaching session I'm going to ask her how to approach the subject with my wife.

[marina7]

Question,
Does she have legal guardian did she adopt him,
Prepare yourself my friend your W will say, you force me on him, or I didn't have a choice or option she will blame everyone but herself.
I remember my therapist said the same thing I told W you tell them you no longer want to be there mom btw W send me an email stating she didn't want s8 and d9 so that email is printed and out away in the black box. And W said So you don't want me in there life remember you said it and storm out once again she turned it around and played the victim. Is crazy that our W makes us feel like we losing our marbles. They have a way to turn things around.

One thing my therapist said. We as the other parent don't have to say much kids are very smart he will figure it out on his own as much it hurts let him let him text her or call W he will see it himself and he himself will decide my d9 honestly doesn't want to even say hi to W because for a good 6 months my d9 called her left messages of her begging W to call her saying mommy I miss you and as much I cried hearing her on the phone I let d9 figure it out on her own oneday my little girl said I dont care about W she is mean mom and selfish and all I did was stfu and listen to my daugther vent and held her when she needed hugs that's all we as there superhero can do. So just remember to tell your son am here when you wanna vent or cry. Just be there. Keep being his superhero.

[apothem]

She does not have legal guardian or anything with him.

I'm trying my best to be a superhero dad and I think I'm doing pretty well with it.

The one thing that hurts through all of this is that I still love and miss her. My heart keeps telling me to call her or see her, but my brain knows that's not the right thing to do. So I just continue with GAL to take my mind off things, but also because I've been discovering things about myself that have been hidden for years.