Finding my way into the light

[focus22]

One thing I've learnt Holding, is that when a S has an affair, they have been the one controlling their partner's reality.

An A can only start/continue/flourish by being hidden from the S.

I guess they get used to having that control and expect it, and think that it's going to continue like that as well.

And if they find that it doesn't continue (for whatever reason), they then get angry because they're not getting what they want from you, and up the stakes, or raise the temperature of the interaction in order to get some sort of reaction from you.

You probably know all of this already. It definitely helps me a lot when I'm coming across this sort of behaviour. It helps me detach from it and not feel as personally involved in it and persecuted by it.

[Holding]

Focus, thanks for the insight. My XW is definitely raising the stakes and trying to provoke me.

I'm trying to establish boundaries with her, but she's fighting me at every step. Our interactions are getting worse and worse. I'm maintaining a calm cool tone, but she is demanding, impatient, and inconsiderate. This is all via the familywizard.

Last night she let herself into my house (the old marital home) without my permission, when my son opened the door for her. I got home 5 minutes later and found her walking out of my bedroom - probably snooping. I hovered until she left.

I sent her a message reminding her that she cannot enter without my permission, and noted that she did so that evening.

Now she's changing the subject, accusing me of hiding the fact that S15 stayed home sick from school, and saying I tried to block her from communicating with S15 by taking away his phone (it was so he would rest at home). She's making up the rules as she goes, and then trying to bust me for breaking them.

I know she's trying to get me to snap. I wish she'd get a life. Why can't she bother OM or something?

It's hard to detach from this.

[focus22]

Why can't she bother OM?

Because she's already got him dangling by a string. And my reckoning is that she wants you dangling by a string as well. Extra attention and all that.

Hmm, I'm tempted to say to keep a record of seeing her coming out of your room, and a record of the message. Just for yourself. I wouldn't tell her that's what you're doing. Just a log of this sort of stuff. You might not need it, but you might end up using it.

I think back to my own situation and realise how much of a total stranger my XH turned into. It must have been lurking below the surface for a good while before it kinda burst out into the open. He did and said things that made me think I didn't know him at all and he was a total stranger to me.

Now I operate on the principle that I have no idea who he is and/or what he's capable of doing or saying. It's easier for me, as we don't share children. But that's my way of thinking.

I remember one evening a couple of months after he'd left he came round and tried to get it. I was supposed to have been out at work, but I wasn't well so I was home, watching the TV really quietly. He tried the locks a couple of times and then left. I had changed the locks a short while before because knowing that he could come in to my house at any time and without warning wasn't helping my state of mind or my healing. It was one of the best things I ever did, I felt so much safer afterwards, more peaceful.

I don't think he knew I was there. And he's never mentioned it, or referred to it. But I know.

Anyway, if you're not doing it already, I can recommend some guided meditation tutorials on YouTube. They help you access that space in yourself that is between someone doing or saying something and your reaction. Then you can **choose** your reaction. I've been doing them for a good while now, and they've changed my life.

[Holding]

Focus, thanks for the feedback.

That's frightening that your XH tried to get in when you were home. Good thing you changed the locks!

I'll be changing the locks very soon, but I'm concerned she'll get access to the new key by looking through the kids' backpacks when they're with her. If she comes in again without my permission, I'll have the police issue her a trespass warning.

(Funny, my IC actually told me a few weeks ago that I could probably wait on changing the locks, since XW "knew" she needed my permission to enter.)

Meditation has always been hard for me. I don't know why. It's just really hard to calm myself - I'm a bit neurotic by nature. Anything "light" you can recommend?

[Coconut]

Holding,

Check this website to see if they have any locations near you. It was the first time I ever tried meditating, and my second time there I reached a state that was amazing. It was like perception was altered, truly an amazing experience. I went for a few months before I moved away and always left feeling regenerated.

It was completely free where I went, I think it's the same everywhere, and was a really enjoyable group of people. Click find at the top right of the screen to see their locations.

http://www.sahajameditation.com/

[JujuB]

Calm.com or headspace are two guided aps

[focus22]

Focus, thanks for the feedback.

That's frightening that your XH tried to get in when you were home. Good thing you changed the locks!

I'll be changing the locks very soon, but I'm concerned she'll get access to the new key by looking through the kids' backpacks when they're with her. If she comes in again without my permission, I'll have the police issue her a trespass warning.

Yes. I would also keep a record of absolutely everything. Including the date you change the locks, if that's the road you decide to go down.

(Funny, my IC actually told me a few weeks ago that I could probably wait on changing the locks, since XW "knew" she needed my permission to enter.)

Might be worth discussing the antisocial personality disorder aspect of XH with your IC? See what they have to say, and what their take is.

In my experience there have been IC who absolutely get this and get what the deal is with these kinds of people, and others who just don't understand.

Meditation has always been hard for me. I don't know why. It's just really hard to calm myself - I'm a bit neurotic by nature. Anything "light" you can recommend?

Ah, interesting...the aim of meditation might not be calming yourself? That might just be a by product of it?

Maybe try and think of the aim of meditation as becoming aware of your feelings and physical reactions to them?

Much of the behaviour of people like your XW is about making themselves centre stage, what they want to do is gain your attention and energy. Some of what they do be incredibly subtle. If you're giving them your attention and energy then guess what? That attention and energy isn't being focused on yourself, and you lose your balance, lose yourself in a way.

So meditation is a way of very gently refocusing that energy and attention on yourself. And very gently learning to become aware of when it shifts to something else, and of (non judgementally) bringing it back to yourself.

It's neither difficult nor easy - those are judgements. It just is whatever the experience is, in that moment.

I'm also neurotic by nature and as a result of life experiences. I'm a worrier, a fixer. But I have been absolutely loving this whole process of detachment. It feels like a huge weight of 'responsibility' being lifted from my shoulders. I'm **only** responsible for my behaviour...what an amazing relief.

[Holding]

C'Nut, JujuB, and Focus, thanks for the encouragement on meditation.

C'Nut, the program for that website looks interesting. I see there are several weekly meetings in my town, and I'm going to try to work one into my schedule.

JujuB, if you had to recommend just one app, would it be Calm or Headpace?

Ah, interesting...the aim of meditation might not be calming yourself? That might just be a by product of it?

Maybe try and think of the aim of meditation as becoming aware of your feelings and physical reactions to them?

Good point! Becoming aware of my feelings is a good place to start, if nothing else. I will admit the old me was guilty of stuffing my feelings down in order to get through life.

XW continues to bombard me with messages on familywizard, with about 3/4 of them being either some kind of strongly worded request or calling me out on violating a made up rule. She was going on about being amicable for months, but that's completely flown out the window now. I've learned I have to simply limit the number of times a day I will even look at the messages.

[JujuB]

I like calm but you can get free trials for both.

Just politely address anything reasonable and ignore what is inappropriate or button pushing. Eventually she will learn. Dont let instigate.

[Georgiabelle]

Hi Holding,

I just caught up on your thread and it sounds like you are doing well and focusing on being a strong, comforting presence for your kids. I can absolutely relate to telling your kids being difficult except that for me it was actually worse than BD. When I told them we had something to tell them, my D asked if we were having another baby. I just wanted to sob!

Unfortunately, I can’t offer much advice on coparenting. X Mr. GB and I get along well and he only has the kids when I go out of town for work (he stays at my house) However, it helps me and things have gotten much better with the passage of time. I do agree with the others that you need to set boundaries and your x needs to respect them. Will she? Probably eventually.

Welcome to the coolest forum on DB :-)