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They are on order! LOL!


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Lol!

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Hi Westo.

Thanks for the visit to my thread recently. I was nice to have a gathering of "the girls".

I hope your leg is good enough now and the weather fine enough for you to get back out on your walks. I've had a bit of a tough week but it was helped by going for a nice long walk almost every day. There's something about seeing the beauty that is all around us that makes my own problems less overwhelming.

Keep your spirits up. You have a family and friends who love you very much.


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Update,

After H asked his parents if he could move back with them it became increasingly apparent that he really didn t want to. In fact he told me he didn t want to.

Several times over the past year since we discussed reconciliation he has said he had nowhere to go. I just kept looking thick at him. Anyway he s been wanting a particular job where he works for many years. A train driver. He failed the first test five years ago and it really affected him.

He passed it the second time and now he s been successful in getting that job, which he has to go away to train for for three months. So I called his bluff a few weeks ago and suggested that he stay here the weekends while he trained as he didn t look like he was ever going to his parents.

I wondered if after all this time he was actually hinting for me to ask him to come home, and if he was he would take the offer up. I can imagine how difficult it would be going back to his parents house at the age of 53. And I still wonder why he just didn t ask me if he could come back here. But then I didn t leave so wouldn t have experienced asking.

Anyway, he told me that is what he wanted to do and sure enough after his first week training came home last Friday for the weekend bringing all his stuff.

He took it all while OW was in work texting her that he wasn t coming back. I m still a little shocked to be honest. It hasnt been what I thought it would be. No hearts and flowers, just as it used to be.

We did go to the beach with D and the grandkids yesterday and we had a lovely time. All his stuff is back in the wardrobe and drawers as if nothing had happened.

I know it s going to be a tough road but I ve learned an awful lot from this site. I knew all along that if anyone could go through this journey it would be us. I also think that it s all down to the actions of the LBS if there is a reconciliation.

I kept my faith and dignity throughout our journey and believe we will be ok. I want to thank the people I ve met here for all their help and patience.

Job, Coly, Sotto, Ownit, bttrfly, HaWho and of course the wonderful Andrew. I bet Ive missed someone out. Sorry!

Thank you all so very much. Big (((cwtch))) to you all

Xx

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Westo!

I pressed the Quick Quote button to read your post.

Wow. Just wow. I will admit that I didn't think that he would come back and admire your faith.

I am so very very happy for you and proud of you. You did what I could not.

Vacation is over now - and the real hard work begins. With patience, understanding and love you will get there.

Sending you a big ((((cwtch))))


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Westo,

Please take things slowly! He's still a skittish "colt" that needs to be comfortable in his own skin. Keep those expectations at zero and don't push him...just step back, listen and if he asks your opinion, then give it to him.

I'm very happy he's made the trip back to home.


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Wow

Best wishes

Wonderful news

Agree go slowly

He may act like it is all back to how it was

It is not but you know that


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Oh my God Westo!!!
Great news!!. I'm happy for you!
Be patient, be kind. He will be grieving OW from time to time. Be strong and compassionate. You can have a restored marriage! Xoxox

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WOW!

Take it slower than slow
Keep your expectations at zero


Sending you much, much love

You've now entered what they call the most crucial phase.

Keep posting to let us know how it's going, how you are --- we love you and are cheering for you and your family ! xoxoxo


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Thank you all for your advice and good wishes at this time.

I think I may have underestimated just how difficult this would be, and believe me, it’s difficult.

You think what reconciliation would be like in your head but it is not like that. Little things that he used to say that was amusing is not now. Because things are not the same. He has admitted that maybe he should have gone to his parents first and just stayed here at weekends.

He is still not right but says he will be, just to give him time. If they do come back they are indeed still very confused and find it difficult to adjust back to this life. I didn’t say at the time but a year ago I discovered that he was using his middle name with OW and her family.

I also saw photos of him and the other family on FB the other day. One in August 2016 (when we were going through Hell) looking very happy. He said he was, at that time. The other in February 2017 looking fat, bloated and stressed.

That’s when he said he had realised he wasn’t happy with the other life but that my cancer diagnosis had made him finally wake up a few months later.

We are both finding it difficult. I have been told many times to keep expectations to zero but that’s so hard. Physical contact is limited with no real effort from him.

Having said that, he is trying. He’s just gone to work on a night shift and to be honest, we both need the break. I am now used to sleeping on my own and can’t because of his snoring. I didn’t miss that.

I honestly think we will be ok but it’s going to take months. Many times I’ve had to drink that stfu smoothie, believe me.

I must remind myself that he lived another life in another name with another family, who he was happy with for about 18 months before he ‘woke up’.

I think I was very naive looking back but wanted to post this update as a warning to anyone going through this to listen to Job with her valuable advice. She’s been there, done that and has heard it all over the years.

And again I want to quote Jack 3beans when he said reconciliation wasn’t about declarations of love, but whispers of doubt. RIP Jeff(Jack) xx

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It will take the patience of JOB to get you through this part of the journey. In fact, I think it is the hardest part of the journey for the LBS. We want them to be who they were and be over and done with the crisis. It doesn't work that way. It took 18-24 months leading up the bomb drop and it will take that long, if not longer, for them to return to being mature adults once they are home.

Dig deeper for patience, if you find yourself getting ready angry, walk away. He's still not comfortable in his own skin and there will be many times that he will sense that you aren't happy w/him. If he should ask you if you think he should leave, do not say yes. Allow him to make that decision.

Live your life, focus on you and allow him to see that you are okay and that it is safe for him to be there. He needs to know that you will not lash out at him and remind him repeatedly of what he's done. There will come a time when you will be able to have a conversation w/him about it all...but now is not that time.

BTW, I have a stockpile of duct tape and STFU smoothies. Again...time and patience are on your side.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Thank you Job for your wisdom, I’m expecting too much right now, I know.

In tears now...... I will read your post over and over to give me strength.

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Sweet Westo (((( ))))!!

I know i am extremely hard on MLCER. But i do have a compassionate heart for them also. They are very confuse and change their mind often. If ex' s feel we are not happy with them, if we do not validate their effort, i think they will walk.. not because they want to but because they do not want to cause us more pain..
LOVE, big breath, more love and a sh*t load of patience and forgiveness..

Even if it is really hard to have him back under your roof, let him know you are happy he' s there. When your patience is running short, go for a walk alone.. both of you need your own space once in a while..

Baby steps!! smile

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Thanks Diane,

What you say is so true....it’s very hard. I have compassion but I’m angry too at what he’s done. GD has reverted to speaking like a baby around him.

It’s to be expected, she was so young when he was last living here and I think it’s her coping mechanism. He has to live with the decision he made 2.5 years ago, and she’s a bridge he has to build, as uncomfortable as it makes him.

We are all finding this hard, but we will get there, and if we don’t? I will be fine, but it’s our GD I worry for.

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Big cwtch to you (((Westo)))

I'd been thinking about you recently and had thought about asking here for an update. I'm grateful you did.

I second what job's advice to you has been and was pleased that you remembered Jack and his so very wise words.

We'll all keep holding you safe in our hearts and thoughts.


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Thanks for the cwtch Andrew 🙂

H has decided to buy a bike. A couple of his lifelong mates ride them and he’s spent most of the evening reviewing some. He told me that he never spends on himself and that he will receive overtime in next months pay to cover the cost of one. I told him that he works hard and why shouldn’t him treat himself.

He has been much more like his old self today. Joking and laughing like he used to. I’m reading the five love languages at the moment and when he went online to pay the electric bill, (he needs to ring them with a query) made sure I told him how how great he is on the phone as I have no confidence in dealing with companies since I left work.

It really seemed to perk him up. So much so that he told me exactly how he will deal with them tomorrow. I’m in bed now and left him to watch political stuff about Trump on the telly.

He loves it.....planting himself on my sofa, as it’s got the best view, just like he used to. Tomorrow he may be subdued again, but not today.

I can sleep soundly tonight, until he comes to bed and snores like a walrus........

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{{{{{Westo}}}}}

I hope h continues to be in better spirits. Good on you for reading the five love languages and praising him.

Any way he could get checked for sleep apnea?

xoxoxo

hang in there darling. you are doing better than you think you are. we're here for you.


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I have sleep apnea myself and wear a mask every night. Not only did the snoring pretty much stop but my over-all health improved dramatically.

I used to stop breathing quite often in the night which my ex found very stressful. After I got the machine she then had the entertainment of knowing exactly when the power in my village would go out in the night.

I suspect that my ex even started regaining the hearing in her right ear wink

I was also able to improve my diet as I was substituting food - and poor food choices at that - for sleep.

I just checked and I got my machine in the spring of 2010. It is quite possible that I wouldn't be here without it.


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I really believe he has sleep apnea. When he lies on his back he stops breathing for a few seconds then takes big gasp.

I have mentioned it but he’s not listening. I don’t want to sound like a mother, you know, like I used to. It’s difficult as I do worry but what can I do?

I’ll leave it for a couple of months and maybe mention it again. In the meantime I’ve bought some earplugs.

He’s still looking at bikes and today he got on our rowing machine for all of two minutes....but it’s a start. I heard him on it but didn’t say anything.

Things are slowly feeling less stressful. He’s not doing much around the house, other than a few dishes. I’m ok with that, as he used to do practically everything the few weeks before he left.

I’m sure he will start to show interest in his own time. For now the work in the garden can wait. I pay for the grass to be cut, as I have done for the last two years.

I’m not asking him to do anything. At the end of the day He’s the breadwinner and I’m happy to play wife.

I’ve missed it.

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Hi Westo. Just to give you some background on what's involved.

My doctor first diagnosed me with high blood pressure. Typical, easy thing to diagnose. She had me wear a blood pressure machine for 24 hours and was confused as to why my blood pressure didn't go down at night. Various medications were prescribed.

It was at my wife's suggestion that I asked about a sleep study mentioning that she had noticed that I did stop breathing at night. So a referral was made to the local sleep clinic. The comment about stopping breathing was the key thing missing in my diagnosis.

For the sleep study, you show up at the clinic, they wire you up from head to toe (almost literally) and you try to get some sleep while they monitor you on a camera. Pajamas both top and bottom are required wink. All they really need is a bit of actual sleep so that they can take their measurements so even if you are sure that you won't sleep well it still is fine.

I don't recall how the scale is set but I was off the charts for poor breathing. So they gave me a prescription for a machine and I went off to that shop.

Here in Ontario the government subsidizes CPAP machines and other such things. My health plan through work pays another 80% so I got a top of the line machine for then - the ResMed S9. The person at the shop also sold me a "nasal pillow" mask which isn't very intrusive. Back in the day when there was kissing happening, it could come off very very fast wink I believe that the machine and accouterments came to roughly a thousand pound before subsidies and such. There are less expensive machines that also work. It has a little reservoir for distilled water that I empty each morning and refill before bed. The masks I wipe down with special disinfectant cloths. I have to replace the nasal pillows every 4-6 months as the silicone wears down and makes a poorer seal. A replacement is maybe around 15-20 pounds at the most.

After I had my machine for a few months I went back and they re-tested me using the prescribed pressure and adjusted it a tad. It was one of the best night's sleeps I've had as there was a tech monitoring to ensure that everything was on the green.

The machine "is" a nuisance to travel with. It comes with it's own bag and I believe if you fly you are allowed it as an extra carry-on as a medical device. I pack an extension cord with an adapter for different plugs when I travel. There are lighter, smaller and cheaper machines out there that essentially do the same thing.

I do firmly believe that the machine saved my life. It greatly reduced my risk of heart attack.

Have you considered inviting your H to go on your walks with you? For me (ignoring the whole LBS diet and stress thing which you wouldn't want to talk to him about) I went from roughly 270 lbs to 220 over the course of just a few months. One of the things that got me there was walking. I use a walking stick which keeps my hands from getting tired as the blood can pool in your hands on a long walk. It also give me something I can poke at random things I see on my walk. Because of appetite loss, I also cut back on the beer (cut it out for about a month) and reduced the size of portions that I ate. I would walk about 2 miles or so 3 or 4 times a week. I currently only do that about once a week. I have a standard route through the village that I use often stopping to visit with neighbours and such as I go.

Losing weight will also help with his sleep apnea. I was re-tested about a year ago and they reduced the pressure on my machine by quite a bit. I'll probably always need it. They also dropped off about 1/2 of the meds I was on for blood pressure. It does sound like he's interested but doesn't know where to start. A nice walk in the evening would do no end of good in my opinion for all sorts of things.

Anyway - you sound stressed my dear Westo - keep your chin up. You have so very very much to be proud of.

((((Westo))))


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I've been lying low for a while and can't post about my situation, but I was so thrilled for where yours seems to be heading. Dig deep for patience and understanding. Keep working on you and get out and enjoy what most be a wonderful summer there.

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Hi Andrew and thanks for the info.

Since he’s been home and eating the food I make him from scratch, he’s already losing weight. He has eaten mostly processed food including Mc Donald’s and KFC since he left and piled on the weight.

I’m confident that his snoring and apnea will improve in time. I don’t want to make a big deal of it, as I’m sure you understand.

Hi Ownit,

Thank you for the support and I’m sorry to hear you’re going through the mill with H again right now and wish you well.

Remember we are here for you whenever you need us.

It’s all so surreal here. It’s like he never left and those two plus years have gone in the blink of an eye. I don’t initiate physical contact unless he does, I give him the space he obviously needs which at the moment consists of being in work or on his laptop.

Like it was for years before he left. I’m saying nothing for now but........I’ll give it a few weeks. It’s our wedding anniversary on 27th August and I’ve dropped hints for us to go away for a night.

I wait in anticipation but as Job will say, keep my expectations to zero. Boy this is harder than I ever imagined, as I imagined him not being able to keep his hands off me........not so.

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Oh Westo, I am sure it's hard to see him return and yet be so much a shell of himself. You know the drill: focus on you as that's all you can control. We're all here to support you.


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Originally Posted by Westo
I’m confident that his snoring and apnea will improve in time. I don’t want to make a big deal of it, as I’m sure you understand.
Absolutely. And you are right. There's a direct relationship between weight and sleep apnea.

Originally Posted by Westo
It’s all so surreal here. It’s like he never left and those two plus years have gone in the blink of an eye.
job and other vets have written that they have a belief that we are right where they left us and that nothing changes while they are off dancing with the faeries. We however have not been tempted by the fey folk nor followed the will 'o the wisp.

My mother was Irish so you'll I hope forgive me for diving into the lore a bit more than you might like. I am sure that you still worry that they have left their "mark" upon him. Since as we've talked over the years, counseling isn't a thing that will happen are there other ways to make sure that he's free of what pulled him away? I'm sure he's far more practical than me and is unlikely to dance naked around the standing stones (is that a thing in Wales? - none here so naked dancing is rare).

Speaking more in the real world, he's very much in favour of just sweeping everything under the rug and pretending that the last few years didn't happen. I so very much admire you for your ability to drink the STFU smoothies and work your way through things.

Will your anniversary dinner happen? If you want it to, then make it happen. Make the reservations and just inform him of it as a fait accompli. For the next while you'll be hauling him up and down that mountain on your back metaphorically speaking. He's not going to do the work so to get to where you want to be, you'll need to do it for both of you.

How are your son and daughter with all this? I'm sure it is difficult.

Sending a large CWTCH to you and all those you love who are around you IRL (((Westo)))


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sweetheart just keep breathing, keep focusing on you (which I imagine is difficult with him living there - well, it would be for me, i confess!), and yes, zero expectations.

massive hugs! {{{{{{{xoxoxoxo}}}}}}}

keep posting!


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A few thoughts....

Thank you for showing interest in my sitch...I really appreciate everyone’s visit and posts. I’ve relied on you for so long and especially my comrades from the beginning. You know who you are!

It’s little things that you don’t expect when the WAS comes home. Putting the shopping away. The eggs in the fridge....I never did that or the passata...noooooo!. He knew that, or he did but he forgets....

I am indeed stressed Andrew. I used to make his sleep H@ll. For years he couldn’t sleep on his back or right side. I insisted that he slept on his right side, (away from me)......Once he started snoring I’d tell him to turn over. Again and again. He would complain that his left ear hurt. Did I care. No!

What a selfish cow I was.....not that I’m the only one to blame, if blame is what you can call the breakdown of a marriage.

On reading the Five Love Languages I can see clearly what happened. I wholeheartedly recommend everyone to read it and yes Andrew....it looks like I’ll have to be the one to do the work. After all, I’ve spent the last two years discovering me....he didn’t do the same.

That’s what I’ve gained this most from this remarkable forum....

Our son is absolutely ok, but D isn’t. I’m afraid I don’t think her and H’s relationship will ever be the same. It’s very upsetting for me, that in his company she is over excited and stumbles over her words, kind of babbling.
, worrying if the GKids are making too much noise.

That makes me even more stressed.....

Believe me a year ago it was easier. My advice? Embrace the time you are alone and working on you.

If your spouse is going to come back, they will.....but... leave them alone and in time, they will. But.

I really believe in my heart if they do.....it’s because YOU let them.

And thank you Bttrfly x

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Originally Posted by Westo
Believe me a year ago it was easier. My advice? Embrace the time you are alone and working on you.

If your spouse is going to come back, they will.....but... leave them alone and in time, they will. But.

I really believe in my heart if they do.....it’s because YOU let them.


Westo, I have really enjoyed reading your posts, this last one describing the complications of the return was really riveting. I was wondering about what you said here about "it's because YOU let them." Can you explain what you mean?

Last edited by Gerda; 08/02/18 03:35 AM.

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Originally Posted by Westo
What a selfish cow I was.....
If I was closer I'd smack you for using such language young lady!

Originally Posted by Westo
Our son is absolutely ok, but D isn’t. I’m afraid I don’t think her and H’s relationship will ever be the same. It’s very upsetting for me, that in his company she is over excited and stumbles over her words, kind of babbling.
, worrying if the GKids are making too much noise.
I'm super glad that your son is doing well. I know that there were some issues between him and your H about some of his life choices. Your D is walking on eggshells. That will be stressful for everyone. Is there any way you can take her aside and let her know that things are on the terms of those who didn't wander off to play with the faeries.

Just my tuppence.


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Hi Gerda, thank you for reading my thread. I don’t really know the answer to your question, I think what I mean is:

I always believed that H would want to come back. In my case, I witnessed him deteriorate over the course of exactly two years before bomb drop. So I knew that it wasn’t about me but about him.

I also believed that it would take a good two years for him to realise that and for the R with OW to fizzle out. I was lucky that he removed himself from social media, so my face wasn’t rubbed in anything. He moved to a town I don’t frequent so not much chance of me bumping into them. He never spouted hate to me either, I’ve been lucky compared to others on here.

So I made the choice long ago that I would accept him back, if he wanted. I learned from this site what NOT so say or do. I think if I hadn’t and had reacted like the old me, there was not a chance that he would have. The woman he knew would have called him all the names under the sun and never let him forget what he’s done.

I made the choice a long time ago and so altered my reaction and manner to make it easier for him to do so. I decided to be that lighthouse, because I knew that it was all down to me, to a great extent, whether he would return to the marriage or not.

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Hi Andrew,

Believe me I really was a right cow! I did have a word with D about the eggshells and told her that if he left because of her kids, I’d rather not have him here anyway.

Hmmm lifestyle choice? I don’t believe being gay is a choice........but I know what you mean. I think H had issues with it in the early days when S came out at 16 but he doesn’t have issues with it now.

In fact H made a point of telling me last year that he nearly came to blows with a guy he works with for cracking jokes about gays. He informed him that as his S is gay didn’t appreciate his humour. I think he wanted to show me that he had no problem with it.

He has three sons, so the chances are that one would be!

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Things are moving steadily. He seems to be ‘bedding in’ more and not behaving like a visitor.

I’m mindful of not being like I used to be. I don’t ask him to do anything around the house or garden. I think, in a funny kind of way, he’s sending the message that he doesn’t want to.......and that’s ok. He will when he’s ready. For now I’m leaving him be.

He’s working nights at the moment and he always cwtches me and kisses my neck when he gets into bed. Also when he gets up. I love that feeling.

Before he left I hated being touched, but now I embrace it. Before he left I hated the noises he made. But now when I’m downstairs and I hear him snore and f@rt (then I know he’s awake!) I love it. It makes me feel warm and safe.

We take things so much for granted and while the last few years have been H@ll......I now realise how lucky he and I are to have each other. He hasn’t said anything but when he kissed me goodbye before he left for work the other night he paused for a second and looked me in the eyes.

His look said it all.

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Westo that's beautiful. As I read your post I can't help asking myself, "why is it that so often we humans must almost lose something before we fully appreciate it?" By that I mean our species. We seem to have it as an innate part of our humanity, unfortunately!

I'm so glad you're feeling safe and having these moments of enjoying the little things. I know you're in the hardest part of the journey, love and I'm sending you cwtches and kisses every day from America xoxoxo you can do this!

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Thank you so much bttrfly for your lovely American cwtches and kisses, I really appreciate it.

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Not a good day today,

He’s been in a strange mood and a little snappy, like he was the days before BD.

He was even short with our GD who, after a day out with D, wanted to tell him all about it. I had to really keep my mouth shut as he was really annoying me with his attitude to her. In the end I told her to go home.

He told her he would see her tomorrow, then I informed him she goes to her dads until Friday and he said he’d see her then.

I wasn’t going to say anything but I did. I asked if he was ok as he’d been snappy today. He said “who me?” and I said I expect him to have off days as we all do and to talk and not keep things in. I don’t know if I should have.

He said he was just tired and proceeded to yawn constantly until he left for work ten minutes ago.

My friend phoned earlier to ask if I was going out Friday night to a mutual friends birthday party and that her and her husband would pick me up on the way. I said yes I would love to go.

I think I could do with some time out. He’s working but will be home an hour after I leave. I think it will be a good thing to show him I’m not going to stay in.

Digging......

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I see nothing wrong in asking him if he was okay. You, in a good way, let him know his behavior was off. The are like two year olds, i.e., they get cranky and don't realize how they come across.

You are doing the right thing in going out Friday evening. There is no need for you to be at home w/him. He can take care of himself for one evening and it will give him some time to himself as well.


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Westro,

Hello there. I have read your thread before, but don't think I've ever posted to you. I just wanted to throw my support your way. Recently I have been wondering what it might be like if my W ever wanted to move back home. I assume it would be difficult, and reading through your sitch I can see that is. You sound like you are handling it very well, all things considered. Just know that you have more friends here than you even knew. Not sure I'll have much advice for you as you are further along in this thing, but you have my support!

I hope H was just having a down day. Everyone does have down days which is understandable. That is one thing I wondered about for my W (if she ever came home anyways)...how I would separate down days from MLC cycling in my head. After all we have been through, we have more patience to deal with the BS, but we have also been treated poorly to the degree that any bad mood can easily be interpreted as MLC behavior. Before all this, my W could have a down day just from being tired and I wouldn't think too much about it...it happens. I realize that if we ever reconcile, that will be something that will take some time to work through. I think you handled yourself well!!


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Thanks for the reply Job, you know Ilook forward to them. And thank you sjohns6 for your interest in my sitch and your support.

You are so right, things that H would say or do before BD I wouldn’t think twice about, but now?

Today he was back to normal again. I think I am super sensitive and paranoid at the moment and I suspect I will be for a long time.

If he’s quiet, I think....why, what’s up and then I have to remind myself that he was always quiet. He used to not be able to keep his hands off me. Now he doesn’t show much physical contact. He still has erectile problems. My first thought is......hmmmm I bet he never had a problem with OW, but I don’t know that.

He says that’s how he is and has been for a while, so I suppose if he didn’t have that problem with her, he’d still be there?

I’m so sensitive and on my guard right now, each day is hard work. Today when D and me came back from shopping and the car was gone. First thought?

He’s left again.. ( he’d gone to visit his parents). It’s so very difficult for me, but I am determined to keep posting here as often as I can, to help others.

You should work on yourself all you can while the WAS is awol, and I really suggest you do. Because if they do return, you will need to dig deep on what you have learned about yourself in order to really move forward and learn to shut that mouth.

I’m practicing what I’m preaching but above all putting into practice what I’ve learned from here. If I didn’t......all the ‘homework’ would have been a waste of my time.

And my time is very precious.


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Originally Posted by Westo
He says that’s how he is and has been for a while, so I suppose if he didn’t have that problem with her, he’d still be there?
I wouldn't be sure of that. Sex is a hook but it doesn't do the dishes. Never having had an affair I can only speculate that it's about the "new" and the power and control dynamics. An OW that thinks you're wonderful looks pretty attractive even when she's not naked. For her (speculating) a successful mature man who is interested in "her" (from what I've read she had self-image issues) At best sex is an excuse especially I believe for those of us on the more mature side of things.

Originally Posted by Westo
And my time is very precious.
As are you.

I have perhaps a different perspective but I try not to look at wasted time any more than spilled milk. Time is a precious commodity that we spend. You have grown a lot in the last couple of years as have those of us who have walked beside you. To paraphrase Jack_Three_Beans - no matter what we know that we've become better people. Has that been a "waste"? I doubt it. Would we rather have spent that time very differently? Absolutely.

((Westo))


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Ugh, I understand exactly how you feel about those triggers. Those are exactly the types of things that I wonder about. I will take your advice. I a working on bettering myself, and I am making good progress. I know that self improvement will never be something that I will be done with, but I know that there is a point I'll need to reach before reconciliation would actually be a healthy thing for me, if that is in the cars for us, anyways.

I'm really happy to be following along in your story because I find your progress in your sitch very inspiring. I know it probably doesn't feel inspiring as you struggle with it, but from an outside perspective you seem to be doing great!!


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I went for my evening out last night and had a really good time.

I think letting my hair down was well overdue. Two minutes after coming home at 11.30 H texted me from work asking if I was home.

When he got up this afternoon I was cooking food. Chorizo crusted cod, garlic crushed new potatoes and minted pea purée. All home made. He never compliments me on my food, even though he’s been living in McDonalds and KFC for the last two years by his own admission.

First stop for him is Facebook and after about 15 minutes asked me about my night out. I could tell he wasn’t really listening and after two minutes a video he’d clicked on, of one of our FB friends at an Iron Maiden concert last night drowned me out.

He said “ooops sorry I didn’t think it would be that loud, I wanted to see their stage set”.......”one of my mates went to see them the other night”......

I couldn’t help it, I interrupted saying I wasn’t fussed on Iron Maiden and he shut up. I was so annoyed realising that he wasn’t the slightest bit interested in my night out at all.

Now...the old me would have told him about it whether he was interested or not but not now. I went back to the kitchen and decided not to speak and let him catch up on FB...after all if that is more interesting than listening to me then he can knock himself out.

I was going to sulk and not speak at all but then thought... no I’ll wait until he speaks to me and respond politely. It wasn’t long before he closed his laptop and commented on the European Championships I’m watching on the tv....

I’m glad I didn’t sulk, that would appear needy and we don’t want that. It’s things like this I’ve learned from the people here and I hope to continue this, going forward.

He’s gone to work now, I’m glad he has........or it may have festered and I may have said something after a couple of wines this evening.......phew!

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Westo - You know that I have a lot of respect and fondness for you. And we both know that we don't always agree on everything.

I'd like to suggest that as the next days and weeks go by that you give some solid thought to what sort of life you want going forward. There's always the old fairy tale that people get granted their wishes and then aren't happy with the result.

I'd like to see you happy. You've worked so very hard to get to where you are today. Can you see this being somewhere where you'll be happy? That day isn't today but in some future date given the patterns that are being formed right now?

No husband is ever perfect - not even me smile Nor is any wife. Marriage is a compromise between two people who sing different parts of what we can always hope is a harmony. Sometimes they aren't even singing the same words or even the same song, but the harmony can be there nonetheless.

I am so very proud of you. Please always remember that and that you have a lot to be proud of.


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Andrew,

I just knew you’d be the first to respond.....and I absolutely understand why.

To you and others, and to me too I suppose, H sounds like a right nob. And right now he is!

The trouble is, he was always disinterested in what I had to say.....lol. On reading the the 5 love languages book I am the babbling brook. What I see and hear I have to speak about and H is the Dead Sea....

I am happy...in a weird sense. I’m financially dependent on him and without him I’d have to leave my home and live on benefits. So it’s beneficial for me to be with him and also for him to be with with me.....

And maybe that’s why he’s come home. I don’t know and I’m not going to ask any time yet.

I think sometimes in life we have to take what we have and I will trust what he said to me when he came back....... “it will come”.

I’m giving him the benefit of the doubt and hope he will come good.

And thank you for your pride in me.

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You handled the discussion about your night out quite well. By going on about your business and not sulking, you proved to him that you've changed.

Just remember, we all want to see you happy and hope that things work out at home for you and your h, but it's going to be a long road to recovery. It could take 18-24 months before he's actually settled back into his own skin and feels comfortable being back home. You are the only one in control of your life/destiny, don't allow his behaviors to bring you down. You are a survivor and no matter what happens...you will continue to move forward.

Keep up the good work!


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Westo, I think it's wonderful that you are being patient, just working on yourself, accepting what is. i don't agree with Andrew's implication because I don't think you have any idea who your H will be once he comes out of this and once trust builds again over the next chapter of your life together, which could take years. I think Job is spot on, and not to prove anything about yourself to your H but because you are releasing yourself from the slavery of bitterness and anger. I think you can deeply love a guy who watches Iron Maiden instead of asking you about your night out, it's just hard right now because you are still traveling through pain. Your H is right, it will come, you are so patient and loving and best of all, you are focusing on bettering yourself no matter what he does.

You are a light!


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Thanks all for your words and continued support xoxo

An update,

Things are plodding along quite nicely. H has changed the car. The old one was costing too much in juice (Subaru Impreza) and his dad offered to buy him a new one. I’m glad too as I know OW has been in what was really my car.

When he came back I did wonder why he was parking the old car around the back of the house (he used to park his works van there, which he’s now lost on changing his job, but never the car). He would just say there wasn’t room round the front or that it was habit.

Then it dawned on me.......I wondered if he was hiding it, in case OW came around our site for a nosy and spotted the car. By what I can gather she knows where I live, and he told her he was moving back to his parents. So I thought I’ll wait and see where he parks the new one.

Yup, round the front. And since he’s changed the car he’s much more chilled and like his old self. He’s not snappy anymore. So I think she or her kids may have been sending threatening texts which was making him nervy.

We’ve had a lovely weekend spinning about in the new car with GD. She’s so happy that he’s back, she practically sits on his shoulder and he’s back to teasing her and making her laugh.

They always had an amazing bond which I feared had gone, but it hasn’t. They adore each other.

We are getting closer physically and he really seems to be getting more comfortable in his own skin. I’m still very wary that the GK and D don’t overstay their welcome and nodded to D on Saturday evening that it was time to take our 2 year old GS home (across the road) as he was getting ratty.

H is very fond of him but left us when he was only 3 months old so hasn’t bonded with him as he has with GD.

I think now he has a new job, with real prospects to sort out the financial mess and a nice BMW, it’s suites him. The Impreza was ok in our forties but far too MLC in our fifties.

The other day I told him how important making meals are to me and it’s how I show love. The next day he texted me to say that the left over curry I put in his lunchbox was a little hotter than the day before but was still lovely. And he’s complimented me on every meal since.

He’s a lot messier than he used to be, shoes here and there etc and we’re going through toilet paper like it’s going out of fashion!, but I don’t mind. I have a warm feeling when I come across things around the house. He’s still not showing any interest in doing anything around the house apart from washing up but I’m sure that will come when he feels more comfortable being back.

So things are getting easier every day. Time, it will just take time.

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There's a lot of speculation in the first part of your post. Be careful with that. It can mislead us in both good and bad directions. Concentrate just on the fact things are slowly but surely progressing positively.

I am glad he picked up on the message about meals.

I think that you are doing great but may be still adjusting to him being back. In time you will find your way. The sooner the better you remove those eggshells! You can do this.keep going

Best wishes


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That’s the trouble with me roist, speculate is my middle name!

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Hold onto the good for when the bad comes. It will. Reconnection is hard so they say. Don’t get lulled into a false sense that all is recovered. When he screws up, and he will, just remember to keep it steady, give him space and focus on you and D and the GKs.

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I feel the time is right to post this, which is purely my thoughts on MLC and women.

I have read our male friends LBS stories and my heart breaks for them. Please understand this is only my opinion, as a woman.

I have never been able to give advice or indeed any encouragement to any of the men who are LBS on here.

I believe there are fundamental differences in our sexes and what we look for in another relationship. I believe that if your wife has left you for OM......I’m afraid, that’s it. In my opinion.

I’ve held off all this time and I may be so very very wrong, and I really hope I am. But....I can only really speak for me.

If I ever came to the decision to leave my H then that would be it. I have done that with previous boyfriends and for me, there is no going back. But having said that I was not in MLC.

I’m sure there are men on here that would say the same.....but I don’t think I would quite believe them.

I really hope that I am wrong but.....I don’t think I am. To any men reading this stay strong and proud of who you are, because that is the way to attract her back.

I’m just saying this as a woman, but that’s not Gospel!

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Originally Posted by Westo
I have never been able to give advice or indeed any encouragement to any of the men who are LBS on here.
Westo my dear friend. I beg to differ. You have been a great comfort to me as I walked my own path. You've written in support of other men as well and I am sure they also appreciated your kindness.

I do agree that there are differences between the male and female LBS. I think that for most men in Western societies that infidelity is a "red line" that they will not abide. There are a number of men here, myself included who would be willing to overlook that.

If you want a basis, just look at the English language. Mistress vs cuckold. Two words with very different emotional and societal connotations.

I also agree that men vs women who walk the path that we call MLC walk very different ones. Some of the men here who I regard as true heroes such as Gordie and DnJ may or may not end of with a new restored marriage. There are so few who have the fortitude and stamina to walk that path as men. I know that I didn't.


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Westo: I think your observation really doesn’t account for what MLC does. You are equating the emotional decision of the coherent psyche of a woman (they won’t come back) to the jumbled mess of an MLC mind. They don’t make decisions, they are propelled by compulsion and the need to escape pain. If that ever resolved nothing they “decided” will hold. Question is will they even be able to face themselves?

I think in this the male and female psyche is not different.

Usually I find myself explaining this to “civilians” who keep talking about my marriage as if it was a normal breakup.

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Good Morning Westco

I read and followed along with your sitch, silently riding beside you through the ups and downs of your rollercoaster. The return of H was quite a Wow moment.

I do not believe I have ever posted to you, it is only recently, which coincides with your absense, that I have become comfortable to reach out again.

All friendships started out with a hello in some form. To that end, Hello Westco.


A few have cautioned about speculation. Keeping to the “facts” is the best course, and what is happening is very hopefully and encouraging. It is only natural to speculate in an attempt to understand the underlying reasoning for his actions. I totally get where you are coming from.

His response to your opening up of how meals are how you show love, is great. I am a firm believer people do want to show their appreciation, most just don’t know how. You told H and he took the initiative to compliment and thank you since, keep encouraging that good behaviour - he needs positive reinforcement.

I would sure like to come across her things in the house again, my house is a little sterile feeling. Well sort of, with a bunch of teenage / young adult kids, sterile many not be the most apt of wording. And toilet paper is getting used like it is going out of fashion here also. smile

I am going to assume you have read my sitch, W’s abandonment of me, kids, dogs, house, yard, etc... It is indeed heartbreaking, I can quickly count five hearts that were shattered with her two minute announcement. Those same hearts have healed well, have many scars, and beat with a strength of love and compassion that can only rise out of the ashes of such a devistating heartbreak.

Originally Posted by Westco
I have never been able to give advice or indeed any encouragement to any of the men who are LBS on here.


You are not being very accurate of charitable to yourself. “Never been able to” - really? Your writings are not discouraging, regardless of the gender the reader. Your connection to the male LBS most likely feels less than your connection to other women LBS - of course that makes sense. I do understand what you re trying to say, atleast I think I do. I hope you understand what I am trying to say.

Originally Posted by Westco
I believe there are fundamental differences in our sexes and what we look for in another relationship. I believe that if your wife has left you for OM......I’m afraid, that’s it. In my opinion.


I do believe there are fundamental difference between Men and Women and our outlook in a relationship. Father, Mother, husband, wife, and so on. Women seem to be more emotionally mature than us more childlike men.

However, the similarities of the sexes is where the relationship exists, where the glue is, it is why two people stay together.

People want friendship, comfort, security, love, excitement, peace, harmony, likemindedness, connection - and some atomony, discord, disagreement, squabbling, and the ability to freely express oneself without fear. All at various levels depending on the person.

The long term bonded relationship we all have experienced was made of two people with compatible similarities and differences. When the balance is disrupted the R indeed over. Until compatibility is restored there can be no R, well not a long term bonded one.

The fact that a wife has left for OM does not mean that’s it, nor if a husband has left for OW does it mean that’s it. In my opinion of course.

The fact that they are with OM/OW means that’s it, and as long as they remain with OP the R will remain over. However, this is MLC and the WAS is not thinking rationally. This next part is gender nonspecific, if the LBS can heal, accept the unacceptableness of all of this, and stand for long enough to allow the WAS to work through whatever it is they need to work through, and the WAS can face what they have done, reconciliation is possible.

For what it is worth, and I do not have any real numbers in this, I believe there are more reconciliations when it is the man who left. That may be because more men leave with MLC (the less emotionally mature of the two), more women will do the mirror work and stand, more women will accept the unacceptable and forgive (men may come to it but often too late), I really do not know if either sex is more likely to face what they have done. So it may just be that the scales are just tipped with more men having MLC so more reconciliation stories of that type, or that is the type that is reported more often - not to many men are willing to go through being an LBS and remain proud and true, never mind actually talking about it.

As AndrewP has stated and I agree (not the hero part), I may not emerge from this with a new and restored marriage. I have realized that is not why I am doing it, I walk this path for me. It is a lonely and difficult path, not for the faint of heart, and not for everyone. There is absolutely no shame in stepping down or taking a break - God knows how hellish it can be.

I do agree with MarvinF that the jumbled mess of the MLCer mind is not one that has made a “decision”, at best it is an emotional decision which can change much easier than a well thought out decision. The big question of will they ever be able to face themselves, does plague me.


Westco, please do not sell yourself short, you have and do provide advice and encouragement to all. I enjoy reading your updates and progressing situation, and I am very happy for you. I truely hope things keep progresssing in a slow and steady positive manner.

Best wishes.

DnJ


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Wow,

Thank you so much Andrew, Marvin and DnJ for your responses.

You are all correct, of course. It’s nice to hear the male perspective on our mutual sitch. I am indeed forming my opinion on some who isn’t in MLC, I didn’t think of that. I am embarrassed!

I’m glad you are ready my updates and taking some kind of comfort from them. Tomorrow is our 19th wedding anniversary, he’s taken the day off work.

Next Sunday we have the first stage of the Tour of Britain cycle race that is starting in a nearby village to us. So H has said we will trace the race tomorrow and have a meal on the way.

He’s really trying and I must say how lovely it is to have something to look forward to after so long. I booked tickets for a very well known Pink Floyd tribute band for us to see next February in a beautiful Victorian theatre in our local city.....

Andrew said to me in an earlier post to just do it...so I did. I told H to book the meal before hand and the night in an hotel after.

Can’t wait!

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He didn’t get me a card 😟

I did stress a bit about this but then.......he did take me on the route of next weeks race which took over six hours.

The tablets I’m on, to stop the cancer coming back, have the side effects of painful joints. So I was in real pain by the time we got back. I was not happy and the old me would have said so in no uncertain terms.

Now? I’ve told myself that even though he didn’t get me a card, he devoted most of the day to me, taking me to where he thought I wanted to go.

I didn’t have the heart to tell him I didn’t need to travel most of the route.

He always gives me a cwtch (Welsh hug) when he leaves for work, no matter how early and he now comes over to my sofa for one in the evening, which he stopped doing two years before BD.

It’s still hard though, we passed signs for the town he lived in with OW and it did stress me out.

But I told myself that it’s gone now and even though I would have liked a card reminded myself that he did actually devote the whole day to me.

And that sums up the change in me. I appreciate that. After all a card is an easy option to buy, but only consists of words......

Actions speak louder.

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Bravo, I've just been lecturing Coly on expectations and citing you and your H as an example. Who cares about cards, someone else's words. Tell him though, tell him how much you enjoyed spending the time and the thought, but tell him too that you are sore. Wall building can happen on both sides. Don't hurt you or stifle you because you think that is what he wants.

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Hi OneArt,

I would have told him that I did enjoy but I was aching all over so much, I could have cried. I did tell him how sore I was.........I’m still going on about it!

Never mind, I’ll just take more painkillers. We are doing it again on Sunday so I’ll take some before we leave and make sure I tell him how nice it was when we get home.

Another mention about what to expect while reconciling.....we were watching Celebrity Big Brother last night and a footballer was sending flirty messages to a model in the house but hasn’t told her or anyone else in there that he is actually married on the outside.

When the others took him up on this he merely said it was “banter”. I just thought of all the flirty texts H sent OW before BD.

I went to bed, I didn’t want to watch anymore. H asked why I wasn’t staying up to see who was evicted and I just replied that I was no longer interested.

It’s things like that, that even though I had prepared for this, upsets me. So I thought it best to just remove myself.

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{{{{{{{Westo}}}}}}}

Hugs for the pain.

I'm so proud of the changes you continue to make in your approach to H. Keep up the good work girlie xoxoxo
mwah!


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

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A box full of darkness.
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That this too, was a gift."
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Good Morning Westo

This morning I caught that my autocorrect changes your screen name to Westco. My apologies, I am training it. smile

You are doing so very well, and spending the entire day together on your anniversary - very nice.

I so understand the getting upset with the antics like that “banter” you memntioned. It upsets me too, and I am not reconciling. Well not with W, but perhaps with myself. Probably a post or two in there.

Anyhow, I found that that pervasive “banter” is everywhere, so common, so insidious. Before all this I would see the humor / entertainment in such exchanges, much like the rest of the world which has not experienced this, now with the curtain having been pulled back it is difficult and upsetting.

For me I realize it is not the rest of the worlds fault, they just do not see it.

So if I may, yes be upset, maybe even talk to..., no scratch that, talk to H about it (at some point), but do not blame him. Be careful where and on who you project your upset feelings, his curtain may not be pulled back as far as your’s.

DnJ


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A little update,

We have had a lovely week or so.....the Tour of Britain cycle race was in our area and we went to see a couple of stages with very old friends.

H and his friend have been so since they were little and two years ago he left his wife for someone else, but went back to her after a few weeks.

So, both her and me had an unspoken understanding and something in common that we didn’t have before. His friend is a very keen cyclist and has helped H in purchasing a bike, which arrived a couple of days ago, complete with all the paraphernalia that went with it!

It was lovely to do grown up stuff together with friends instead of raking the GK’s out and it shows in his demeanour.

I’m not going to lie......I had a blip a couple of weeks ago after a couple of wines..

It came out of nowhere.....I had promised myself I wouldn’t tell him the extent of what he did to our family after BD.

But? Yep I did. I think I was fooling myself thinking I didn’t have to, but I’m glad I did. There was part of me thinking....oh it’s all so easy for you H, isn’t it.

You don’t have a fu****g clue, so cop this. I actually told him “you’re going to have to suck it up buttercup”

He did to be fair.....

He’s very messy since he’s come home, he was always very neat, but I’m saying nothing......choose your battles, I’ve learned so much from this site!

He’s just got in (2 hours after drafting this) and the first thing he did was smelled my neck, he used to do this as a matter of habit months before BD.

I love this....you can keep sex, but him sniffing my neck means the world.

We’ll get there ‘)

BTW, thanks buttrfly and DnJ...,,for the support.

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Hi Westo! I'm glad that you let him have a blast. He needs to know that this stuff is hard and that he messed up. Perpetual nagging isn't helpful but what is called here a "truth dart" lets him know that you haven't given him a "get out of jail free" card.

I'm so glad that things are moving along for you. And yes - I am sure it is quite hard. Much harder than walking away.


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Westo, I don't think I ever read through your sitch before, but i just spent a little while on it. And I didn't know you had had breast cancer! Me too! One year after BD1. My H came back for about 12 hours -- when I woke up from the mastectomy, I looked into his eyes and it was him! We held hands all night and he was so kind to me and I really felt our love in full force, and I had a prophetic dream about new life for us. In the morning, I woke up and looked into his eyes and he was gone. My memory of the night of my surgery is one of my happiest memories because he was him for a night. Isn't that crazy? I also remember so clearly right before I went under, I was praying so hard and surrendering my life to God, and everything was full of light and joy. It's so weird how happy a memory are those two things, on such a difficult day.

When I came home, I looked at his phone, something I never do. And that was when I saw the texts to "my secret other wife."

And my cancer didn't wake him up. I am so glad yours woke your H up. That gives a bit of purpose to having to go through cancer!

Now it sounds like you are doing some great work at a slow and steady restoration. I am so happy for you. And I think it's okay to get a little tipsy once in a while and blurt out some truths. Sometimes the truths can be lovey and flirty and sometimes they can be darts.

Last edited by Gerda; 09/13/18 02:14 AM.

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Andrew and Gerda,

I knew you would be on team Westo with your cheerleading, so thank you!

Gerda, we have more in common that I thought with the old breast cancer.

I’m so glad he was there when you needed him. My H was, in a way, but not what I had hoped.

Anyway....as you know, I’m not religious. I do believe though that things happen for a reason. I believe that if H hadn’t left me when did the year before my diagnosis I wouldn’t have been so strong 💪🏻

Was that down to ‘God’ ? Or was that down to fate and what is mapped out for us?

I’m going to live my life with a bit of both and my free will chucked in. Everything happens for a reason.

I tell myself this over and over. It is my mantra.

I’ve been in an odd mood all week. Little things playing on my mind, so I’ve gone to bed early.

I’ve often gone to him on his sofa for a cwtch (cuddle) but this week I haven’t.

I’ve thought, if he wants one he knows where I am.....

Well it’s paid off. He has come to me every evening this week and actually woke me up last night to make love to me two hours after I went to bed.

So I’m going to continue to do the same. It’s his job to make me feel attractive and wanted.

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Still plodding along this side of the pond.

H has been back now for 12 weeks......I am far less paranoid and sensitive than I was a few weeks ago and H is gradually settling back to the H he used to be.

His old humour is coming back which has been away for a few years, so that’s nice to see, as I’ve always found him very funny.

He’s away for a week at the moment, he has done at this time of the year for about 10 years as he helps with an annual motor sport event a couple of hours away.

I must admit that I’m loving the break as I do find it stressful him being here every day after being away for over two years.

I suspect he’s also enjoying the break so I’m not texting him or ringing him unless to answer him. He rings or texts every evening when he gets back to the hotel.

I’m taking this opportunity to focus back on me and enjoy this ‘me’ time I got so used to.

Hope you’re all keeping well, I do still keep up with most of you. You are all in my thoughts.

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Thank you for the update. It's good to see that you both are taking things nice and slow. Enjoy your "me" time!


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The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Very happy for you Westo and that you are maintaining your independence and allowing each of you to have space when warranted.

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Well......H came home after his week away and has been extremely loving ever since!

I’m not complaining, It makes me feel warm and safe again, which I missed so much.

He went out on his bike earlier. The plan was to cycle to his parents about three miles away. Anyway, after a couple of miles decided to come home Incase they weren’t in.

He managed to cycle halfway up our very steep hill when he decided to get off and take a ten minute break.

A local man stopped and asked H if he was ok informing him he was a paramedic.......

He was in a right state when he got in.

I know, I should and do stop being a ‘fixer’ but couldn’t help but make him drink a pint of water take a shower and tucked him in bed.At only 5.30 in the afternoon.

I won’t laugh, he could have had a cardiac arrest, he’s so unfit!

Bless........

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I don't see an issue with you giving him water and being concerned. Anything could have happened if he's out of shape.


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A lot of men - myself included - believe ourselves to be the indestructible stud-muffins we were in our 20s. One of the several reasons I worry about being "unsupervised" wink

I have a spray bottle of nitro that I try to remember to use before doing things that are too strenuous but often don't think to.

My grandfather had a good way of describing the effect of a bad heart - and he lived well into his 90s until he broke his hip. He said that he "lost his wind" which having experienced it myself is a very accurate comment. And when I've been exceptionally stupid, it can take me up to a week to recover.

I'm glad you are there for him. Taking things easy, trying not to be stupid / proving things to himself or others, letting his heart get back up to speed is perhaps for the best if he can get there. Bad (but perhaps appropriate analogy time) - like an old delivery truck which gets the job done, it's not a race car. Back in we used to occasionally drive the old truck fast and at a high speed - to "burn the carbon out" - people don't work that way.

Just like you walking up and down that mountain for all these years, he needs to work his way up to cycling that sort of distance. And no - he's not going to listen to either of us wink But good on him for trying to be active.

One thing that I do and you might see if you can talk him in to - is I always carry a water proof container with a couple of full-strength uncoated Aspirin in it. When I do have unexpected "troubles" I sit and chew them down. Chewing them and them being uncoated means my body absorbs them more quickly. It certainly makes me feel better.

((Westo)) - you did good. And I am sure your H appreciates you fussing over him.


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Well, here I am lying in bed writing this. H has just left for a night shift.

H and I are still plodding along but things are getting so much easier. 4 months now since he returned and he is really trying to gain my trust back.

Last week he drove up the mountain to look for me while I was on my walk to tell me he was popping to see his parents so I wasn’t spooked that the car had gone when I got back.

It’s little things like that that I appreciate. He could have left me a note.......well he did that on BD, so I think he knows that’s a sensitive issue now.

He cycles as often as he can and is getting very much fitter. He also applied for a managerial job at his work that he didn’t get last year. He was successful this time and the increase in pension and wage will definitely sort our financial sitch out, which was his main concern.

This promotion has really boosted his confidence and day by day my old H is slowly coming back.

I came home from shopping with D the other day and he had cleared the dishes, wiped down the worktops and hung the tea towels from the cupboard handles all nice and tidy.......like he used to.

I am mindful that I don’t ask him to to anything around the house anymore and figure that he will when he wants to. I was a h@ll of a nag before BD...I won’t be that person again.

I used to call him to get up from bed after his night shift.....not now. He can get up when he wants to.

Looking back I nagged the poor man incessantly. I know that I too was depressed and knew he’d lost interest in me and our home and that’s why I nagged.

What I thought I would achieve from that, I don’t know. I have changed for good, not for him but for me.

I am grateful that I really did take the time I had to focus on me, the most important person in this dreadful episode of my life, and to learn and embrace whatever the outcome.

We are getting there.

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(((Westo)))

You have become a treasure.


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Thank you Andrew cwtch back to you too,

(((Andrew)))

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Westo,

Both of you have grown and learned some new things along the way. He is getting more and more comfortable in being home and yes, the promotion has boosted his confidence.

When he does things, please be sure to recognize his efforts and thank him. He still needs that affirmation and recognition.

You have learned the lessons and will utilize them each and every day. You dropped the rope and allowed him to figure things out.

I am very proud of you. Keep up the good work.


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Thank you Job, your pride in me means so much, and yes I make sure I thank him for his efforts.

I must admit that in the early days when you would post on my thread I’d think ‘ oh here comes Job with her sound bites’ “ it’s a marathon not a sprint, dig deeper for patience, keep your expectations to zero etc”.

I’d think to myself ‘what does she know? She doesn’t know me, my H or our M’.

Well.......I’ve learned over the last two years that you know so very much. You’ve been here for nearly 20 years and you’ve heard it all.

I’ve taken so much advice from you, Cadet and all the people I’ve had the honour to ‘meet’ on here and if I can give any advice to the newbies is to very much listen!

Those very “sound bites” I mentioned? They are the very ones that have stuck in my head and seen me through.

What I will always take from this wonderful site is.......

Listen to the vets, they know what they are talking about. They’ve been through the same pain.

What I want people to take from me......

Be utterly true to yourself and your sitch. If you witnessed your partner go through a trauma of some kind around 24 months before BD and deep in your soul know the reason for BD is not you then keep the faith.

Listen to the advice of how not to behave around them, listen to Cadets words of ‘ you have been given the gift of time, use it well’.

Don’t complicate matters by dating someone else if you really want them back.

Be that lighthouse. Prepare to be that lighthouse for at least two years. If they are meant to come back they will, depending on you and your actions. This is my humble opinion only.

Be the best version of yourself, whether they return or not. Do it for you.

Exercise. Doesn’t matter what you do, it will help enormously. Look after yourself and your kids.

Just give it time and if they do return give it more time because it’s no walk in the park, but it does get better. Time really is your best friend in all of this.

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Westo, you have no idea how encouraging your words are to me--right here, right now.

I took off my wedding ring this morning. After 9 months, I was done with the pain. Deep in my heart, I love my wife deeply and I believe I understand some of her issues. She truly prefers to be on her own right now--to heal and to grow. I know she does not operate from a place of malice. Indeed, through all this, she has behaved as decently as anyone in her situation can be expected to.

So, I don't know if I will step away and open myself to the possibility of other relationships. But your words are definitely worth mulling over. Thank you. Peace and love.

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Hi packo,

I’m so glad you checked in to my thread and took comfort. You are one reason I update my sitch, to give hope.

With a true MLC timeline 9 months is nothing. I ask that you give more time and don’t think about dating. Why the hurry?

You believe your wife has acted with no malice. My H did too. He didn’t spew any through all this time. Give her and you more time. Work on you....grow into the man you should have (you were held back a little) while you lived your life being an H etc.

I don’t know if your W will get through this crisis in her life and come back to you (no one does). But in the meantime you have to go through your own journey.

Tonight H said “ oh, I wonder if S is going to Birmingham next week for a classic car rally exebition” I asked why and he said he would to go too.

I said........

“Yeah, it’s all about you you you, isn’t it. Maybe I’d like to go too”.

So I let that hang there.....you see, I know I’m learning to be the best version of myself I can be.

But I’m not going to turn into a Stepford wife!

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Dear Westo

I read all your threads yesterday and of all the situations that I've read on here, yours resonated the most with me. I feel I am in a very similar situation to that which you were in and I get the impression we may be similar characters. In particular my H has more or less ignored the adult kids and the fact that a new grandchild was born a month ago.

H has been involved with another woman for nearly 2 years. Looking back I can see the 'crises' in his life that created the situation we were in and why he thought 'shiny and new' was better than putting the effort in.

I'm struggling at the moment with my own thoughts. I can see a life without him and know I'll be okay and will find some version of happiness. My head tells me that I am a fool to want to R this marriage but my heart differs.

It has only been 4 months but things are moving forwards towards full S at a pace that is too fast for me. But we have to be practical and we cannot afford for me to stay in the house and for him to live somewhere else. So, the house will be sold and we will have totally separate lives. Last week he told me that we will never live together again.

OW is still in the picture, he says they are talking but are not a 'couple' I have told him that there is no M whilst she is in the picture and I will not be part of the circus. I did say that when it ended, that he should come and talk to me and we would see where we are at (wrongly, I know)

I feel a bit stuck to be honest. If I push through I know that I can live a life without him and accept that I don't want the M anymore. But I feel that there is unfinished business between us and I can't shake that feeling. It might be because this sitch has been forced upon me rather than my choice and I KNOW I don't like that scenario.

Am I just being stubborn 'it's over when I say it's over, not you!' I don't know if he's sulking because of my detachment or if it really is over.

If you get chance to have a glance at my situation I would appreciate any comments from you.

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Hi Yorkie,

Thank you so much for dropping by....

I checked by your thread earlier today and I’m sorry you are going through this after 27 years together. It’s awful isn’t it?

I can’t really add to the advice you’ve already received from the amazing people on your thread. They are bang on.

I’m not sure your H is in actual MLC or just that the M got stale due to you both taking your eyes off the ball.

You are doing amazing and I think only time will tell if (and it sounds like you will) decide you’d rather be without him.

I wish you all the best.....you deserve it (((cwtch)))

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Westo, MLC is a label we attach to a complex reality few of us (including the person going through it) fully understand. From all I knew of her, I had anticipated my wife would undergo a period of existential self-scrutiny. I did not anticipate that she would reject me during this period.

I understand 9 mos. is a short time in the context of the lifetime I hope to have with her. But I guess I am grappling with the question most of us struggle with: is this an aberration or is this the new normal? I think most of us who love our spouses would agree that if we new with certainty it was the former, we would wait. The uncertainty is what is most taxing for me.

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Paco,

How about starting a thread here in MLC? We can address your concerns better on a thread of your own and the posters, as well as yourself, can follow your progress.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Will do, with apologies. Didn't mean to hijack anyone's thread.

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Originally Posted by paco123
Will do, with apologies. Didn't mean to hijack anyone's thread.
We all do it - like a bunch of neighbours gossiping and helping each other out.


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Originally Posted by paco123
I am grappling with the question most of us struggle with: is this an aberration or is this the new normal? I think most of us who love our spouses would agree that if we new with certainty it was the former, we would wait. The uncertainty is what is most taxing for me.


Lord, yes, that's it in a nutshell. That's the entire dilemma right there.


I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord with courage.
Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
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paco,

No apologies necessary, but we would like for you to join us, if you so wish.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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No need to apologise Paco, I didn’t feel that you hyjacked my thread smile

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A little update,

It’s getting so much better here. I don’t quite know what I expected when H first came home but it’s now patently obvious it was way too much.

They do say on here ‘keep expectations to zero’ and it’s so very true.

H has been home over four months now. In that time I have gradually become less paranoid and sensitive.

He has settled in to being home and not a ‘visitor’....he is becoming more and more himself week by week.

He’s lost so much weight and is getting fit and I now find him attractive again.

I have a good feeling inside and I know this may sound idiotic to the newbies out there, just starting on this long and lonely road.

But.....I have gained so much through this experience and have learned to appreciate the person I have grown to be and what matters.

Me, my kids and family.....oh and time. Time to appreciate all around me. But most of all me.

Never mind H......he’s by and by.

He’s home now, and I’m happy and contented (piling on the pounds!) but I’m happy.

It’s not just about me though.....he’s back with not only me but the whole family.

And that’s a wonderful thing. I always had faith he would. I’m really looking forward to Christmas......

It’s been a long time coming.

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Wow, Westco, so happy for you. Amazing. You truly sound so peaceful. Have a nice pot o' tea and know that I am sipping one over here and thinking of your happiness. XOXO


I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living.
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Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
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Thank you Gerda x

Journaling,

H has to pick up a works vehicle tomorrow, which means I will be able to drive our new car.......after over two years.

Hearing him and S talking upstairs arranging S to take him to work in order to pick the Jeep up warms the cockles of my heart.

I missed their lovely deep Welsh voices interacting with each other. It brings warmth to my soul.

I looked over at H the other evening and looking back was the man I used to know. His face is slim again and the light is back in his eyes.

I’ve learned to listen to what he says (through this site) not just hear him as I used to do, and I take notice and act accordingly.

I’ve started to decorate for Christmas......I haven’t bothered since BD.

I’m still mindful to put me first though and I hope I always will. I honestly think I will.....

It benefits us all, not just me.

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Westo,

Wow, just catching up,
I always look forward to reading post like this.

It brings hope for my kids. Not even about me.
I know they miss W. Hoping and praying oneday
They will get their mom back

Thank you for sharing your post with us here
Especially us newbies we sometimes need that hope ....


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Bomb Drop - April 2017
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OW June,2017
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Hello Marina,

Welcome to my story. I’m so glad I bring hope to you and your kids. It is my main motivation to keep posting updates on here.

All I will say is.....YOU will know deep down if your partner is in MLC or is just a WAS. I was a victim of a WAS in my first marriage, literally did WAW and left me with all the bills.

This time it was different. I witnessed the lights going out in H eyes. I’ve said it many times. His soul was sad. It isn’t now.

Hang on in there.....if they are to come back, make it the easiest route for them to do so. If they don’t....then you have nothing reproach yourself for.

But remember in all this, YOU are the most important person in this now. Put yourself on the pedestal and remain there.....always.

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Westo,

I am so very happy for you. You fought hard for your marriage. You listened to the advice and took what you needed to assist you along the way. Your posting are giving the posters hope for a brighter future, i.e., whether their spouses return or not.

Continue as you have been. He's still got some healing to do...but when he's finished w/his healing, he will be a more mature man and your new marriage should be better than ever...whatever you do, do not fall back into the old ways. This marriage will be so different because you both will have learned a lot about yourselves.

Please keep posting. Posters need to read about success stories in the making.


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Job is right. It is important for those struggling to see turnarounds are possible.

I have a question for you, though I would also like Job's thoughts:

On this site there are countless stories of temporary turnarounds which explode or gradually disintegrate recreating a WAS and a LBS. I have no reason to believe your fresh start is not going to last, but having been through the mill for a few years I am not sure that I would 100% trust a turnabout. For reconciliation to occur we need to drop such defenses but I imagine that can't have been easy nor evident. I was wondering if you and Job could share your thoughts on this?

I have one other observation. For me I prefer that your H is coming around very gradually. Sudden changes are rarely true. Again just my personal opinion.


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Gosh.....I don’t want to appear thick, but I’m not sure what your question is?

I know my sitch is the exception rather than the rule on here but I honestly believe, from the very beginning I witnessed my H breakdown.

I think if I’m to simplify matters, he basically reached a point where he needed a break from being him. To the point he used a different name while he live his other life.

He took a year after learning about my breast cancer diagnosis (which he admits shook him to make contact) to actually come home.

And also by his own admission didn’t know if or when he would have if I hadn’t been diagnosed. That is why my mantra has always been....things happen for a reason.

I agree with Job that I must not go back to the old me....I realise now that I was rather controlling. That doesn’t excuse what he did in the slightest as, through this site I learned it wasn’t about me.

However, I don’t want to be that person any more. The 2.5 years he was away has allowed me to grow and I would never change that for the world.

I honestly can’t see him leaving again, I really can’t. But if he did.....I know I will be just fine and will not go through the madness I did before.

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Oh and just to add, his change is very very slow....it’s not hearts and flowers I imagined and thinking about it, I’m glad it isn’t. Including his erectile problems.

If it was, I would be ever so sceptical. To me that would be just a man having an affair, realising the grass wasn’t greener and coming back.

It’s not the case here and....in the last two weeks he has no problem in the sexual dept and I think the fact he has a new job has helped enormously.

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Westo,

You aren't thick...I was wondering the same thing because I didn't see a question in roist's posting either.

In Westo's case, her husband is returning to normal very slowly and is inching his way along. He's starting to feel better and wants to reconnection w/his family, friends, etc. This reconnection can take any where from 18-24 months and may be even longer, but it takes just as much time to re-enter planet earth as it did for them to exit it pre-crisis.

The reconnection thread can give you more insight as to how they reconnect and finally settle down.


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Neither of ye are thick. I ended up asking for thoughts rather than asking a specific question. If I had yo pose it as a question I imagine I was wondering how we could know that it is true? That he is truly back or at least heading towards being truly back?

Before this crisis I never would have doubted that my W was devoted to me. Now if reconnection does happen I personally will have a hard time believing it/trusting it. That is the basis of my question.

Job can you past a link to that reconnection thread on my thread please?


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Having watched Westo's journey from the outside I think that her situation has a number of unique features.

Keep in mind that this is just my perspective and may not mirror the truth.

Her H never completely let go. He kept paying the bills and would even show up from time to time to do minor repairs.

Westo for her part did largely let go, lived her own life and took care of herself but also had the light from her window shining brightly for all to see.

I'd have to go back to check but I think it was about a year from when he left that her H started making noises about wanting to return. Unlike what we all would have done for an early return, she was firm and set specific rules around how / if she would allow him back. That he had to leave OW and stay elsewhere for a while first.

There was a fair bit of waffling and the OW put out large efforts to keep Mr. Westo in her grips including I believe threatening suicide.

Eventually, one day he did leave probably after a nearly 2 year absence and moved back home where it took a while to be accepted back and no longer be a guest.

Is he to be trusted? I would think that Westo would like to but has learned to watch actions and not words. I also expect that if he were to go a-wandering again that the door and probably a tire-iron would hit him in the back-side to encourage him on his way. And he very likely knows that.

I wish her the very best. She's gone through h@ll and back and discovered herself in the process. Her H is a very very very lucky man.

For many of us, I think that our former partners have jumped in to far far deeper water than he did.


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Well, trust Andrew to absolutely nail my story, I couldn’t have written it better myself!

And yes, if he ever did leave again, the door would hit him on the way out. I won’t go through that again.

We went to the theatre last night, the first proper night out we’ve had in five and a half years. It’s nice to start making memories together. We had stopped doing things together for so long.

Thank you Andrew for your good wishes and taking such an interest in my sitch. This place has some amazing people!

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I couldn't agree more w/what Andrew posted. Westo's h's actions speak louder than words and he's been fairly consistent for a while. Westo let go or should I say, dropped the rope, and this allowed her h to feel more comfortable and safe in returning to the home and relationship. He has to earn her trust and she will know if that trust is genuine or not. The key now is to remember that this is a new marriage and both parties have learned a lot about themselves and a new relationship is evolving.

Keep up the good work and I wish you all of the best.


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So.....

H had a Christmas do last Saturday night with about 40 of his workmates, and he guessed that he would be invited to tonight’s do with the works managers (he is one now).

He texts me every couple of hours telling me where he is. I answer ‘ok’.

I think he appreciates that I don’t tell him he can’t go.....after all, we can’t live like that and we never did.

However three years ago he met OW on a night out with his mates.....needless to say if he has the audacity to say he’s going out with them again this year... I will politely say that I don’t think that would be a good idea 😒

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Hey Westo, I just waned to pop by and tell you how happy I am for you that things are getting back on track with your H.

I am not going to say that you are one of the lucky ones because I think he is the lucky one for having such a caring and forgiving W! Big cwtch to you!


Me - 47
H - 45
D-16
M - 6 years
Separated - May 16

Don't leave me behind can't you see me I'm shining... (Years & Years - 'Shine')
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Last edited by job; 12/08/18 09:35 PM. Reason: add link to new thread

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