Thank you all for your advice and good wishes at this time.
I think I may have underestimated just how difficult this would be, and believe me, it’s difficult.
You think what reconciliation would be like in your head but it is not like that. Little things that he used to say that was amusing is not now. Because things are not the same. He has admitted that maybe he should have gone to his parents first and just stayed here at weekends.
He is still not right but says he will be, just to give him time. If they do come back they are indeed still very confused and find it difficult to adjust back to this life. I didn’t say at the time but a year ago I discovered that he was using his middle name with OW and her family.
I also saw photos of him and the other family on FB the other day. One in August 2016 (when we were going through Hell) looking very happy. He said he was, at that time. The other in February 2017 looking fat, bloated and stressed.
That’s when he said he had realised he wasn’t happy with the other life but that my cancer diagnosis had made him finally wake up a few months later.
We are both finding it difficult. I have been told many times to keep expectations to zero but that’s so hard. Physical contact is limited with no real effort from him.
Having said that, he is trying. He’s just gone to work on a night shift and to be honest, we both need the break. I am now used to sleeping on my own and can’t because of his snoring. I didn’t miss that.
I honestly think we will be ok but it’s going to take months. Many times I’ve had to drink that stfu smoothie, believe me.
I must remind myself that he lived another life in another name with another family, who he was happy with for about 18 months before he ‘woke up’.
I think I was very naive looking back but wanted to post this update as a warning to anyone going through this to listen to Job with her valuable advice. She’s been there, done that and has heard it all over the years.
And again I want to quote Jack 3beans when he said reconciliation wasn’t about declarations of love, but whispers of doubt. RIP Jeff(Jack) xx
It will take the patience of JOB to get you through this part of the journey. In fact, I think it is the hardest part of the journey for the LBS. We want them to be who they were and be over and done with the crisis. It doesn't work that way. It took 18-24 months leading up the bomb drop and it will take that long, if not longer, for them to return to being mature adults once they are home.
Dig deeper for patience, if you find yourself getting ready angry, walk away. He's still not comfortable in his own skin and there will be many times that he will sense that you aren't happy w/him. If he should ask you if you think he should leave, do not say yes. Allow him to make that decision.
Live your life, focus on you and allow him to see that you are okay and that it is safe for him to be there. He needs to know that you will not lash out at him and remind him repeatedly of what he's done. There will come a time when you will be able to have a conversation w/him about it all...but now is not that time.
BTW, I have a stockpile of duct tape and STFU smoothies. Again...time and patience are on your side.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I know i am extremely hard on MLCER. But i do have a compassionate heart for them also. They are very confuse and change their mind often. If ex' s feel we are not happy with them, if we do not validate their effort, i think they will walk.. not because they want to but because they do not want to cause us more pain.. LOVE, big breath, more love and a sh*t load of patience and forgiveness..
Even if it is really hard to have him back under your roof, let him know you are happy he' s there. When your patience is running short, go for a walk alone.. both of you need your own space once in a while..
What you say is so true....it’s very hard. I have compassion but I’m angry too at what he’s done. GD has reverted to speaking like a baby around him.
It’s to be expected, she was so young when he was last living here and I think it’s her coping mechanism. He has to live with the decision he made 2.5 years ago, and she’s a bridge he has to build, as uncomfortable as it makes him.
We are all finding this hard, but we will get there, and if we don’t? I will be fine, but it’s our GD I worry for.
I'd been thinking about you recently and had thought about asking here for an update. I'm grateful you did.
I second what job's advice to you has been and was pleased that you remembered Jack and his so very wise words.
We'll all keep holding you safe in our hearts and thoughts.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
H has decided to buy a bike. A couple of his lifelong mates ride them and he’s spent most of the evening reviewing some. He told me that he never spends on himself and that he will receive overtime in next months pay to cover the cost of one. I told him that he works hard and why shouldn’t him treat himself.
He has been much more like his old self today. Joking and laughing like he used to. I’m reading the five love languages at the moment and when he went online to pay the electric bill, (he needs to ring them with a query) made sure I told him how how great he is on the phone as I have no confidence in dealing with companies since I left work.
It really seemed to perk him up. So much so that he told me exactly how he will deal with them tomorrow. I’m in bed now and left him to watch political stuff about Trump on the telly.
He loves it.....planting himself on my sofa, as it’s got the best view, just like he used to. Tomorrow he may be subdued again, but not today.
I can sleep soundly tonight, until he comes to bed and snores like a walrus........
I have sleep apnea myself and wear a mask every night. Not only did the snoring pretty much stop but my over-all health improved dramatically.
I used to stop breathing quite often in the night which my ex found very stressful. After I got the machine she then had the entertainment of knowing exactly when the power in my village would go out in the night.
I suspect that my ex even started regaining the hearing in her right ear
I was also able to improve my diet as I was substituting food - and poor food choices at that - for sleep.
I just checked and I got my machine in the spring of 2010. It is quite possible that I wouldn't be here without it.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
I really believe he has sleep apnea. When he lies on his back he stops breathing for a few seconds then takes big gasp.
I have mentioned it but he’s not listening. I don’t want to sound like a mother, you know, like I used to. It’s difficult as I do worry but what can I do?
I’ll leave it for a couple of months and maybe mention it again. In the meantime I’ve bought some earplugs.
He’s still looking at bikes and today he got on our rowing machine for all of two minutes....but it’s a start. I heard him on it but didn’t say anything.
Things are slowly feeling less stressful. He’s not doing much around the house, other than a few dishes. I’m ok with that, as he used to do practically everything the few weeks before he left.
I’m sure he will start to show interest in his own time. For now the work in the garden can wait. I pay for the grass to be cut, as I have done for the last two years.
I’m not asking him to do anything. At the end of the day He’s the breadwinner and I’m happy to play wife.
