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My story is very similar to your though we have no children together. His second marriage and my first each with children of our own.

My BD was more subtle and slow but certainly reached a head in December. I had already been working and making changes and there was improvement. I saw the spark in his eye and he returned to hand holding and really asked to take it slow and it would take away.

But, I lack patience. I went overboard with my corrective behavior and he said he felt smothered. I called too much. I texted too much. I just wanted him to know that I heard his needs and I was ready to be the wife I was before again. All this he frankly said pushed him away.

Now he just wants out. He wants to be alone. He isn't happy or even likes himself anymore and states clearly that if he can't love himself he can't love me.

I know he feels trapped.

Everything I had read up to this point states not to separate and its better work on things if he is still in the home. He knows I do not want to separate.

I see my husband's struggles and his words are very close to yours though I'm certain he is not pursing a PA and most likely not a EA either. He just wants to be alone.

It breaks my heart in many different ways. I love my husband and to see him with his emotionless face - I feel his pain.

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meg24 Offline OP
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The last couple of days detaching have been going ok. Interactions with H have been cordial, no animosity. He came in the house this morning (he sleeps in his hunting trailer), pleasant talk about stuff going on with kids.

As we were standing in the kitchen, he hesitated and then asked what he should do if he was in the mood for sex. I know what you're all thinking, but I would rather him come to me for that than go elsewhere. I am able compartmentalize it right now.

Afterwards, he said something about going to do work Monday on the studio apartment he will be renting from a friend, I asked if he had the holiday off work. He then asked if I had plans since I have it off work, I said I was going to lunch with a friend (this is part of GAL for me, I pretty much never fo anything like that). H asked what friend, I told him who. He hen asked how to use washing machine (it's been about 20 years since he's done laundry himself), I was surprised, but showed him. I then left with s21 and d13 for the day, H was getting ready to take s17 on outing for said son's birthday.

Fast forward to this evening (H actually didn't go anywhere today except with s17). After dinner H went to watch TV in our bedroom, I joined, we just watched movie. Near end of movie he gathered his laundry and was heading out to his trailer, I asked if he was out for the evening, he said yes he might as well.

It almost feels as if he wanted me to do something while we were watching the movie, like he's wanting to see what I do differently towards him. He's told me where he's at mentally, but it feels like he's testing me. But I just watched the movie. He wants his space, I'm giving it to him. He can't have it both ways.

Have I made any sense to anyone? Any insight?

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Detaching still going ok. Had to talk myself out of a relapse today though. Here's the last 2 days (my last post was Saturday night)....

Sunday started out ok. H left before I even got up. I went to churh services with a friend (haven't been in years, and I guess I picked the wrong Sunday to go back as they had a very STALE guest speaker). After church I went on my brisk 3 mile walk (GAL activity for me). Kids were all going to be home for family dinner again. I told H on Saturday that everyone would be home, would be nice for him to join us. He said he would be working on his apartment, so probably not.

Sunday night I invited him to sleep in the house again (I have a physical weakness for him, my body just won't listen to my brain). Monday morning we were talking as he was getting ready to go work on his apartment again (we both had holiday off). He asked what time I had to meet my "friend" for lunch (at this point, I knew it bothered him that I had plans). I told what time, he asked if it was friend from work. I said no, it so and so. He said oh, he thought if was new friend. I told him I don't have any friends he doesn't know.

Anyway, as I was finishing up lunch, s17 calls me said s19 (who had left early that morning- his day off too) texted him that he got his truck stuck WAYYYYY up in the mountians, he hiked down to cell service (he broke rule #1, never go by yourself). So I raced home, picked up s17, switched to father-in-law's 4 wheel drive (storming up by Yosemite). Drove for quite a ways up the mountain, saw footprints, no s19. We concluded he got picked up. Turned around and started heading back down another direction that what we went up, so we could get cell service and call s19. Good thing we took different direction, we ended up running into a friend (very highly unlikely, as these are BACK ROADS, in a storm) who also had s19 with him. They were headed up to get truck unstuck. S17 switched to their truck to help. That was 4:30pm.

I went home, H came home about 8pm, boys still not back, no word from them. I told H I was going to call sister-in-law to get a hold of wife of person boys with, she didn't have number. Then decided to call Sheriff Search and Rescue, it's storming, they're up at about 8000 feet, no provisions, and calling only gets straight to voicemail. Called Sheriff, gave them every piece of info I could, down to the roads I had been on, and when I last saw them. They said they would get started. Few minutes after I got off the phone, just a hunch, I tried calling S19 again, finally rang he answered. Said they couldn't get his truck unstuck, but friend's truck got stuck that's what took so long, they were coming back down just got into cell range. Called Sheriff back, called off search and rescue.

As soon as I got off that call I broke down. I was in an emotional tailspin. I went to H for deep hug, then told him I can't take anymore stress. He said, "Meg, just breathe, they're ok." That one went way over his head.

H slept in the house again, but just sleep, too cold out right now to sleep in hunting trailer. H got up first this morning, my alarm is set later than normal since kids are out of school this week. My body is still tense from yesterday. My poor s19, beating himself up right now for going to the high country alone. He said no more snow play for him, he'll stick to mud.

This morning I was all set to go home and start begging H again to reconsider. But I have talked myself out of it. Just have to keep going, one day at a time.

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Originally Posted By: meg24
He wants his space, I'm giving it to him. He can't have it both ways.


in the words of my favorite character in the movie Tombstone, Doc Holliday as played by Val Kilmer, "I beg to diffa, Sir."

he is having it both ways in many, many ways... you cannot have it both ways... and what i mean by that is, either you are letting him have it both ways or you are not... and the truth is, you are... i just don't want you to fool yourself into believing you are giving him his space... i don't want you to fool yourself into believing you are detaching... please believe me when i say i am not telling you this to hurt you or deflate you... i just want you to see that you are not quite there yet... that's all...

i fully understand your breaking down after hearing back from your boys... i have two boys, and we live in Santa Cruz... they often go to the mountains, and there have been times when they have been out of touch for too long, and my husband and i do everything we can to figure out where the heck they are... we've called PD, sheriff, friends, friends of friends, etc... we have even filed a missing person's report for one of our sons--twice! you have been holding things together, somehow... because you are resilient! and this incident also shows you are resourceful...

i am glad you didn't cave and ask your H to stay... the more you are able to fight that urge... to overcome that urge, the easier it will get... stay that course, girlie... okay?

mis dos centavos, for now--

--artista

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Artista, I hear you. I am totally not doing well with detaching. I like to think I am, but I'm not. The only thing I seem to be doing ok with is not INITIATING R talks. H kind of initatiated one this morning.

H called me while I was getting ready for work, asked if I had a minute to talk. He said he had a question for me, and to answer truthfully (as if I do anything else, since I have nothing to lose), and my answer would determine how he acts/treats me going forward. He asked why his friends were calling him and asking why I am sending them friend requests on Facebook, since I have never cared to before. I told him that I sent 2 friend requests to people a few weeks ago, that came up as "people you might know". He said it feels like I'm checking up on him. I told him first of all, I am staying off Facebook for a while, for my own mental health (I even deleted it from my phone), and the requests were sent because I know those people too. I said I can't check up on you, it's too much for me. He then apologized.

Then H sent me some texts on my way to work, one was a video that just has me crazy, it's a Christian music video. Then he says "I know this may be hard to believe and understand, but I do love you and no matter how this ends I will love you to my last dying day. You will always be in my hear and mind, my very best friend. I don't know what hurts me (him) most, to know that you're (me) hurting or to know that I'm the one that's causing it."

My response, "we both had share in getting here. My hope is that you find peace in yourself. The pain is incredible, yes, I just go one day at a time."

Why is he doing this? I haven't tried to have any R talks in a week now, just been doing my thing. It's like he doesn't want me to detach.

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Of course he doesn't want you to detach. WHen you detach he has no control over you anymore. In fact, that is the point of detaching! To take the power back. He is sensing you are detaching and he is trying to reel you back in. Let me tell you how this should have gone:

He texts:
"I know this may be hard to believe and understand, but I do love you and no matter how this ends I will love you to my last dying day. You will always be in my hear and mind, my very best friend. I don't know what hurts me (him) most, to know that you're (me) hurting or to know that I'm the one that's causing it."

Your response should have been:

"Thank you."

You see. You validated and acknowledged what he said. You didn't give him any satisfaction that what he was saying meant anything to you. Your response was ok, except for the last line. He wants you to be in pain. You need to show him you AREN'T in pain. Even if the pain is so intense you are unable to get out of bed.

Detaching is soooooo hard. I am struggling with it myself. Struggling mightily! But you just keep at it.

As far as how you should respond to him? Please go read the validation thread. You can find it as the 2nd or 3rd response to most threads on this Newcomer board from Cadet. It will be invaluable in your responses to your H as you detach yet validate what he is saying.

Oh, and remember sandi's 37 rules. Especially "Believe nothing he says, and half of what he does."


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Originally Posted By: meg24

Then H sent me some texts on my way to work, one was a video that just has me crazy, it's a Christian music video. Then he says "I know this may be hard to believe and understand, but I do love you and no matter how this ends I will love you to my last dying day. You will always be in my hear and mind, my very best friend. I don't know what hurts me (him) most, to know that you're (me) hurting or to know that I'm the one that's causing it."

My response, "we both had share in getting here. My hope is that you find peace in yourself. The pain is incredible, yes, I just go one day at a time."

Why is he doing this? I haven't tried to have any R talks in a week now, just been doing my thing. It's like he doesn't want me to detach.


it could be any number of reasons... whenever i had broken off past relationships (before marriage) i was sad... felt bad and even felt love for the person i was letting go... your husband may really be feeling those feelings right now... you cannot get sucked up into it... those feelings are his to deal with--however he may... you have to focus on you... in the words as sung by Gladys Knight and the Pips in I've Got to Use My Imagination, you've got to: "keep on keepin' on"...

here are some of the lyrics:

I've really got to use
My imagination
To think of good reasons
To keep on keepin' on (Keep on keepin' on)

Got to make the best of (Best of, best of)
A bad situation (Bad situation)
Ever since that day (Ever since that day)
I woke up and found
That you were gone (Gone, gone)

so yes... keep on keepin' on... you won't detach by sheer will... Getting a Life will get you there... use this time for growth... don't let one second of it be wasted in just staying the same Meg... keep the good parts of you, grow the tired parts of you, learn new parts about you... not to be a new Meg, or a better Meg, but to be THIS Meg... an experienced Meg... wiser Meg... living life to the Nth degree Meg... fresh, exciting!

as always, mis dos centavos--

--artista

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[quote=meg24}

As we were standing in the kitchen, he hesitated and then asked what he should do if he was in the mood for sex. I know what you're all thinking, but I would rather him come to me for that than go elsewhere. I am able compartmentalize it right now.

[/quote]

I hear you on that one. I'm in the same boat. I'd rather he be sleeping with me than someone else. Does it sting a little that he says "do you want to have meaningless sex?"... it does. But, I have needs too. It has to be a two way street. If I want sex he is going to have put out as well - and he simply said that he doesn't have sex with me I will go looking elsewhere. Sex isn't going to fix our broken marriage and I don't want him to see me just as a tool so its a fine line to walk.

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I am so weak. I fell for it again. H texted me again. That he has wanted me for 20 years, wanted the girl who would dress up to go out, the girl who couldn't get enough of him, the girl who would talk to him about everything. He tried to hold on waiting to get her back, fighing to get het back, but eventually it hurt too much and he shut down all emotions.

I fell for it, texted back, that I wish I could change history, that I can see that girl inside me.

He is rewiring our history, to a degree. I did stop paying as much attention to him, after kids came along. But I didn't completely shut him out.

I know, work on me, GAL, one day at a time. But even if we do end up working on R, I don't think he will ever think it's anythig more than my fault.

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It's uncanny that I'm exactly where you are right now. :-(

It's not easy to detach.

My husband has said he felt so rejected and so hurt and he will never put him self in the position to be hurt like that by me ever again. He will not go there anymore.

We seem to be at the same stage in this... I don't have any words of advice as I barley make it through the day myself.

My goal today is not to text while he is at work tonight... didn't do so hot last nigbt... time to try again.

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