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meg24 Offline OP
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So, still having trouble detaching. Gave H a gift this morning before he left for work, a new travel mug that I bought a few weeks ago that he's been wanting. Bad, I know.

He then says that I don't understand where he's at. I do, he wants nothing to do with me as a wife. He said that's not it, but after 20 years of misery, he is going to date, to see if there's someone out there that will treat him the way he wants. He said maybe we'll get back together, who knows. But he has to see.

Do all MLCer's think in these absolutes? 20 years of misery? I was just waiting for him to say something about dating. And in the same sentence he says "ILY, I love you with my last breath until I die."

I'm crushed.

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Hi Meg,

So sorry for what you're going through. I can understand why you're completely confused by what H says and does. The truly amazing thing that may be hard to believe is despite how different everyone is, and how different everyone's lives are, when people go wayward from a relationship, what they say and what they do is almost exactly the same.

The nice thing about this predictable similarity is that the way you should respond to it is also the same, with few exceptions regardless of the details of your situation.

So what's going on with H?

First of all, this is not "all your fault", and if you assume the responsibility for it, you're making your situation worse by being too hard on yourself. When relationships break down, it's because of both people, the only difference is who decides they can't take it anymore first.

Relationships tend to be erode into a cycle of unmet needs -- because H wasn't meeting your needs, you weren't motivated to keep meeting his without getting anything back. Because his needs weren't being met, he wasn't motivated to meet your needs. It's a self-reinforcing cycle that spins you apart.

During this cycle resentment builds -- you each resented each other for faults real and imagined, and for the fact that your needs were not being met. Because you live together, there's a huge motivation to keep the peace, so the temptation is to pave over the resentment and hope it will get better in the future.

Eventually someone's resentment builds so much that they can't take it anymore, and a switch flips within them that they need to escape. That's the mode H is in now.

When he decides he needs to escape, he's going to feel guilty about that -- he's going to feel like a bad person. Eventually, he's not going to want to feel guilty anymore, and he's going to begin convincing himself that he is not responsible for his decision to leave. If he's not responsible, the only other person in the relationship is you, so *you* must be responsible. He'll then look back through history and examine all your current actions and selectively pick out evidence that reinforces that you are at fault. That's why they'll say "everything was always bad" and use absolute language.

The only way they feel they can get relief from this guilt and resentment is to get away from you.

If you respond by telling them that you will not let them go, that you will not give up on the relationship, that you're committed to making things better, that you love them, etc. etc. You are keeping the cage door closed

You are directly telling him he can't have what he wants because you're going to keep hanging onto his leg.

When you give him gifts, text him, initiate relationship talks, tell him you love him, all you're doing is denying him what he wants and making him resent you more and more. You're digging the hole deeper and deeper. By pursuing him, you're making him want to run.

So what can you do about it? How are you supposed to act?

Ironically, the shortest path back together is for you to head in the other direction immediately. You need to give him *more* space than he is asking for.

You need to stop actively resisting him.

Until you give him space, he won't be able to drain his resentment. He won't be able to think about anything but getting away, and things will continue to get worse.

Think back to when you were dating -- what would he be attracted to? A woman who was constantly pursuing him, or a woman who was happy, confident, a bit mysterious, and that he had to *work* to please?

In order to pull this off, you need to follow the DB prescription :

(1) 180: Whatever you were doing that was perpetually annoying him, do the opposite. The only exception to this is that you cannot pursue him, but if he felt you were not affectionate, then be more affectionate with your kids and your friends, but you cannot be more affectionate with him. If you were messy, be neat. If you were late, be on time, etc.

2) Act as if: Act as if you are happy and confident! He doesn't want to be with you? Fine! He's the one that's missing out, because YOU are going to rock this life!

3) GAL: Go out and get a life. Make plans, socialize with friends, get a babysitter if you need to but get out of the house and do things. Don't tell him what you're doing or who you're with.

He thinks you've given up on the relationship? GOOD! Now he's free to do whatever he thinks he needs to do without you chasing him -- and -- you've established that you're not just going to sit on the shelf waiting for him to come back. He's going to go out and live his own life? Guess what, so are you, and if he decides he wants to come back you may not want to take him. He's going to have to work to come back. He's going to have to woo you all over again.

Then lead a life that anyone would want to be a part of -- rock it. Own your life and how you spend your time. Be busy, be happy. The nice thing about that plan is that even if he doesn't come back you won't miss him, but this scenario is the most likely to make him want to return by FAR.

You can do this.

Acc


Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced
M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11
Start Reconcile: 8/15/11
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced)
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meg24 Offline OP
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Thank you for the pep talk Accuray. The part I am struggling with the mostis detaching. I'm guessing that it's so difficult for me (I do well for 2 or 3 days, then fall back to the pursuit) is the fact that he still is at home. As much as I don't want H to move out on the 1st, I also can't wait so that it is not "in my face" every day. When I didn't see him for 3 days this past weekend, I actually did quite well.

What you describe of him and guilt, it's dead on. Even he said in the beginning that he felt guilty for doing this to his family. Now it seems he can't get away from us fast enough.

It has been almost 2 months since BD. My question is how long does the grieving last? I know that I need to GAL, do 180's, detach. But picking myself up from the grief I'm finding is incredibly hard.

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Hi Meg, welcome.

Originally Posted By: meg24
It has been almost 2 months since BD. My question is how long does the grieving last? I know that I need to GAL, do 180's, detach. But picking myself up from the grief I'm finding is incredibly hard.


Grieving is a process that tapers slowly. At first it hits like a ton of bricks, but then it comes in waves, and over time the waves hit less often. My BD was in April of last year, and I still occasionally get hit with it, though it can be a week or two for me.

I know the pain is immense and you want it to end. It will get better, just be patient with yourself.


Me-47,XW-43
S13,S16
M:18
BD:4-23-17
W filed:7-17-17
(5 months of in-house separation hell)
W moved out:1-6-18
D granted:2-15-18
Decree signed:3-29-18

Your future is out there. Go find it.
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Originally Posted By: meg24
Do all MLCer's think in these absolutes? 20 years of misery?
Meg...... from what I have read on this site and from my personal sitch this seems to be the case. My W has completely re written our entire 25 years together. Told me that she probably never loved me??? WTF?? My IC said this is what she needs to tell herself to justify her decision to be wayward. Remember Sandy's rules... believe nothing of what you hear!
Originally Posted By: meg24
The part I am struggling with the mostis detaching. I'm guessing that it's so difficult for me (I do well for 2 or 3 days, then fall back to the pursuit) is the fact that he still is at home. As much as I don't want H to move out on the 1st, I also can't wait so that it is not "in my face" every day. When I didn't see him for 3 days this past weekend, I actually did quite well.
Yes, my W and I lived under the same roof for 9 months after BD and moved out on Xmas eve. The detaching was very difficult with her there, I felt trapped in my own house and it wasn't good for my kids. Since she has been out detaching became so much easier along with GAL. It is still very hard to deal with and you will have your ups and downs but it does get better, I promise! Stay strong and keep busy.


Me 47 WW 44
T25 yrs M20
S18 S14 D12
Divorced 3/12/2018
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meg24 Offline OP
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Little step forward for me, I think. Last night H came home at somewhat normal time. He apologized for being a d#*@ in the morning, but I took him off guard (with the gift). I said ok.

Few minutes later he said, real nice, that we can go to the gun range Saturday for target practice (we missed our time last Sunday becuase I was sick). Normally I would jump on it, especially since Saturdays are now "his" days. I told him no, S21 has bowling league Saturday. He was kind of put off, could tell by his body language. I said next weekend is free though, if he is. I didn't offer this Sunday to go, as I have made another baby step and made plans with a friend.

I think I will reserve range time for myself next weekend, whether he goes or not. I don't need him to be with me anymore during practice.

Baby steps, right?

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Baby steps


Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced
M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11
Start Reconcile: 8/15/11
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced)
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Originally Posted By: meg24


I didn't offer this Sunday to go, as I have made another baby step and made plans with a friend.

I think I will reserve range time for myself next weekend, whether he goes or not. I don't need him to be with me anymore during practice.

Baby steps, right?


I think this is fantastic! Good on you... He is out living his life without you... You need to live your life, and live it to the hilt! Let this experience make you a better you--for YOU, not for him...

He has the nerve to tell you he is going to start dating, but then again offers crumbs that perhaps some day you two will get back together... He does not mean that, the part about getting back together some day... You need to have the attitude, "forget that noise! If you start dating, there definitely will not be any chance of getting back together."

Now perhaps you don't say that to him, but live that in your head... You deserve better...

I am curious. How did you respond to his declaration about dating? Perhaps he already is dating???

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meg24 Offline OP
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Artista....

H prefaced his comment about dating with "maybe you don't really understand where I'm at.." After the comment I replied "believe me, I know where you're at..."

I have been wondering, since BD, if there was someone else. In the past when he has made comments about me needing to give more attention and affection (I don't think I lack in that area as much as he thinks, but then again, maybe I do, or maybe he just doesn't like sharing my attention with all the kids). Anyway, in the past he has had a PA, and an EA, both situations were similar, but he never said he was done trying. For a few months now he has been increasingly buried in his phone, at very inappropriate times.

I really can't tell if he is dating already, he's been working late a lot, but comes home like he just got off work (he works heavy construction, so he's dirty). I just don't know. He's been making friends with single guys at work, which is unusual for him. So maybe he wants their life.

Anymore... yes I cry, a lot. But I am just so emotionally drained. For my mental health, and to help the kids through, detaching is becoming easier.

I love him dearly, forever, and I want to have a life with him. My IC asked me today what I would do/say if he told me right now that he wants to be with me. First, I would say it's going to be a long road, you've hurt me more than you can imagine, more than I would wish on the most evil person on earth. Other than that, I don't know.

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Originally Posted By: meg24

I think I will reserve range time for myself next weekend, whether he goes or not. I don't need him to be with me anymore during practice.


Good! This question comes up a lot here- "should I ask my WAS out on a date" and generally the answer is no because it's pursuit, but in some cases it's OK to -invite- them to do something with you AS LONG AS YOU GO WHETHER THEY DO OR NOT. So make plans to go, and don't ask him to go but maybe say "I made plans to go to the range at X time on X day, you're welcome to come along if you wish" and then leave the room, don't wait for an answer. If he doesn't go then fine, you go and enjoy yourself. Why? Because YOU DON'T CARE IF HE GOES. I know it's easier said than done, but that's got to be your attitude and as time goes on that attitude will get easier and easier.

To build upon what Accuray posted to you, the idea you've got to portray to a WAS is that maybe YOU are done with THEM instead of the other way around. So YOU pursue your own life and leave them to the mess they've made. You go out, have fun, hang out with old friends, make new friends. You want to know what really wakes a WAS up, especially a WAH? He comes home to find you dressed up and smelling amazing and walking out the door. I GUARANTEE you he will want to know where you are going, and your response is "out with some friends". It will drive him nuts.

Nothing is going to bring him back in a day or week or month, but if you start living your own life he'll get worried he may lose you. And suddenly you no longer look like the pathetic, sad, broken W he's more than happy to ditch, he sees an attractive, independent, strong woman that maybe doesn't need him after all. And THAT may attract him back.

Quote:
I have been wondering, since BD, if there was someone else.


Chances are very good there is. PA (physical), EA (emotional) or even IA (imaginary) is pretty much always a factor.

Quote:
I love him dearly, forever, and I want to have a life with him.


And that may very well happen. But it will happen on his timeline not yours. And unfortunately his timeline is much, much longer than you want. Be patient and settle in, this really is a marathon!


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
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