Hi everyone, I've recently joined the forum and have been reading like crazy. Picked up copies of DB and DR this weekend, and reading and soaking up as fast as I can.
Our abbreviated background... I'm 44, H is also 44, Married to H 22 years, friends/dating 7 years before that; 4 kids- (special needs) s21, s19, s 16, d13. After 1st son born I, like many others that I'm reading about, shifted and put all my focus on being a mom, which just continued with each new child. H would mention every year or 2 that I don't communicate with him anymore, or show affection or initiate sex (telling me his needs). I would try for a while, but stop. Maybe because I didn't get anything in return, or maybe I was depressed (history of depression from youth).
Anyway, the last 2 years have been much better. The kids are older, can pretty much get themselves whereever they need to be. We have been having regular date nights, weekends away, etc. Then out of the blue, BD 12/20/17 (one day before family arrives for the holiday), but he says we don't need to talk about it until after my birthday (late January). As soon as family left I couldn't wait. He says he is tired of pulling his hair, trying everything, out to save our marriage (the only thing he ever actually did was tell me that he needed more affection, attention, he never actually DID anything. He kept saying he always wondered what he was doing wrong. I have, over the last several years, told him he has done nothing wrong, something is wrong in me. He said he was done trying, he didn't want to live the rest of his life this way, he wanted to get out while he still time.
Needless to say I've done all the wrong things, until last week, begging, pursuing, etc. I have started counseling, and started telling him pretty much everything I'm feeling. I was also trying to show more affection. He started working later, started sleeping outside in his hunting trailer. He spends pretty much every minute he is home on his phone, facebook, who knows what else. He's never home on the weekends. We did tell all the kids, except the oldest (special needs).
I know the issued aren't all mine. He is not an easy person to communicte with (my boys say this too). He is a bit of a narcissist, and he has admitted to being manipulative to get what he wants. But he won't go to counseling, does not want to work on the marriage.
He's been telling me to work on myself, we'll see what happens later. I took me almost a month to listen. Last week I finally stopped texting him. If I need to say something I wait till he's home later. I'm still nice to him, invite him to do whatever the rest of us are doing. But he doesn't usually take me up on it. I am working on finding my interests again, he said last night he is proud of me for that, but he just doesn't think his feelings will ever change. I keep getting the ILYINILWY. Oh, and he has an addictive personality (drugs in the past, different activities, pretty much anything he does he gets addicted to, and he has adult ADD). He does say he's confused, and I can tell he's depressed.
We've gotten to this point once before, and close to this point a few times, all of which happed right around the same time as an OW starts to pay attention to him. I'm afraid to ask him this time if there is someone else. He has had a PA, not sure if he's ever had EA. I'm afraid to ask if there's someone else.
Thanks for reading this far. I know it's all jumbled. Any advice from anyone is always welcom.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
I will also add the H has announced that he is moving out next month. Finances don't allow for him to rent an apartment (he makes more money that I do, and will still be paying for the bills that my salary won't cover).
The only thing that doesn't freak me out about him physically moving out is the fact he will be renting a room from a couple that we both know, that I like. They will hopefully be a good influence, help him figure things out, unless, of course, he doesn't tell them the whole picture, and just paints me as a crazy person.
H has me so confused. For weeks he was telling me focus on myself. He finally said straight out to me that some of the things I was doing (which also happened to be some of the things he's been asking for for years- compliments, telling him what I love about him- basically Words of Affirmation) was pushing him away. Something clicked last week, maybe reading this forum, so I started detaching. Which then led H to think that I'm done with the marriage, which pushes him away even more. Now I'm trying to find the happy medium between the 2. No matter what I'm doing, it just feels like the wrong thing.
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
H's behavior lately is all over the place, except for loving. No love coming from him. One minute he's neutral and is carrying on conversations, the next minute he's scowling and it seems like he's looking for reasons for what he's doing. The other night he told me that eventually I'll hate him and want to give up.
Is that what he wants, so he doesn't have to be the one that "walks away"?
I just keep telling him that I'm not going anywhere, that I'm working on myself and I hope he works on himself.
Any insight? If my ramblings aren't clear, seem all jumbled, my apologies. My thoughts are all jumbled.
I just started reading DR, so far so good. Been reading through the other links provided, I'm currently struggling with detachment. I started detaching last week, but slipped quickly. Perhaps because we're still under the same roof?
But as of today I have recommitted to detachment. Before last week, I know the begging, pleading, reasoning, etc., wasn't working, but in my mind it was helping me because at least he could see that I still care, right? WRONG. He pretty much told me it was pushing him away. So I started pulling back, then he said I must not care anymore.
This morning the fight was about money, he opened his own checking account at another bank and wanted me to pull out a large chunk from our joint account, to fix his motorcycle and daily driver (which I had previously told him to have fixed). I wasn't expecting the request to pull it out, so I freaked out. H then came back with "I'm trying to control him, watch where he's spending money, etc", when in reality I just didn't want that kind of "finality". He said he's trying to relearn independence, since he gave up all financial control to me long ago. I've tried many times over the years to get him involved in finances, but he didn't want to know anything. Throughout this whole thing he's always said he will take care of me and the kids, make sure I have enough money to cover mortgage and bills, etc, so that's not an issue. Just the separation of finances freaks me out.
So after that fight, I decided I'm pulling back. I sent him TM that I have to focus on myself, he needs to focus on him, but also stated that I do not want the situation we're in.
The biggest thing that [censored] is the kids. Our s16 is the most affected, he and H but heads the most. S16 tells me that the communication issue with H and I isn't just me, that H yells and goes to extremes whenever someone tells him something he doesn't want to hear. In fact I told H that I would like him to take s16 to get new boots and jeans (badly needed), he said fine. S16 said he doesn't even want to deal with him. Whenever H is actually home, all the kids scatter to their rooms. But I guess that's not so different. I've always been the one that's more involved in their daily lives, taking interest in what's going on with them. H rarely asks them anything, unless it's to do something for him.
I just keep getting the ILYBINILWY from him. How does this happen? One day we're fine, loving, normal married, the next week, BAM, he says he has not more emotional feelings for me (but he'll love me till his dying breath).
What is going on with him?
Me-44,H-44 S21,S19,S17,D13 M-22,T-29 (off and on prior to M) BD:12-20-17 (H said he had things to work out in his head) H moved out:3-4-18
The last few days have been up and down. Still separated under the same roof, H sleeps out in his hunting trailer. All last week H has been coming home extremely late (after 9:30 pm), when he's off work usually between 4 and 6. I don't ask where he's been, he did say at one point early last week that he was helping someone work on a project (power tools and wood were involved).
He told me Friday morning before work that he was going to leave his vehicle in town at a friend's house (we live about 40 minutes north of town in the mountains), his friend would drive him home that night, then Saturday morning he was going to ride his motorcycle (followed behind by same friend) down to a mechanic about 3 hours away. Friday night he didn't come home until long after I was asleep, and he was up extremely early Saturday morning (before I was awake) to leave on his motorcycle. No contact at all, which I expected.
Saturday I had plans to take the kids to the movies, part of my new GAL. We never go to the movies, with so many kids it gets expensive. But I had some movie passes and gift cards that I'd been holding on to for a long time, H never wanted to see any of the movies the rest of us did (I did invite H earlier in the week to go with us, before he said he was dropping his Harley of for repairs). Anyway, nice time with the kids. I enjoyed spending time with 3 of them. Sent TM to H to let me know when he arrived at destination safely. 6 hours later he did, also said he would be back sometime in the morning to take s16 shopping.
Saturday evening uneventful. I was coming down sick, starting to hit me hard, so I just went to bed early.
Sunday rolls around. S16 didn't tell me that he sent H TM that he didn't want to go shopping until next weekend. H and I had appointment at the gun range at 2pm for me to practice (the only time he will spend alone with me, he likes shooting and watching me learn to shoot). I was pretty sick by this point, was going to tell H when he came home to go to the range without me. He never came home, didn't hear from him until 1:15 (remember, I didn't know s16 already rescheduled their shopping trip). Anyway, I told H I was sick and not up to shooting, said I was to going to tell him when he got home that morning. Then s16 tells me their trip is rescheduled, which is why H hadn't come home yet. H was mad that I hadn't told him earlier. So that was just one big communication mess.
I also told all the kids earlier in the week that I wanted weekly family dinners on Sunday evenings, and make sure they're home. Also told our "adopted" D19 to be there, she lives 45 minutes away, don't get to see her much. All kids said fine, father-in-law said good (he lives with us, well, in a mobile at the back of our property). Told H all kids will be there, would be nice for him to join us. He did join us, but an hour late. Don't know why I'm surprised, he's never on time. Anyway, when he did finally show for dinner, he saw everyone waiting, including D19 (she also brought her new girlfriend to meet us). He said to me that if he had known we had company for dinner he would have made it a point to be on time. WHAT?? You'll only be on time for company and not just because it's the right thing? I reminded him that I did tell him ALL the kids would be here for dinner.
Anyway, after dinner I went to lay down, was feeling even sicker at this point. Everything pretty uneventful until yesterday. I stayed home from work sick. And in a moment of weakness sent H TM during the day that I miss him, and I know we can rebuild our R. He was actually off work early yesterday, home by 4:30. I was in bed, so didn't matter. But he was just angry over random things. S19 bought an old vehicle that he was going to turn into a offroad toy (back story, there are a few vehicles in back property, one is S19's first truck that he's selling, one is parts vehicle, then we have H's off road toy, and wrecked parts vehicle for that, and also s16 project classic vehicle). H was mad that starting to look like junk lot out back. I told him that all of you guys have projects back there, why is one person's project more annoying than his? He said it just proves that it's no longer his house, it's mine and the kids', and he doesn't care anyway because he's moving out on the 1st. I said if you didn't care you wouldn't be so angry about it. I asked why he is so angry all the time, he just said because he's an angry guy.
I can see that he is depressed, he's angry, and he's pushing everyone away. I just don't get it.
Did all of this really start because I don't (didn't) communicate my emotions enough with him, and show him enough affection/attention? He's taking it out on everyone.
Over the last few weeks, as I've been going to IC, reading DR, and various other books and websites, I've started thinking about things.
I don't think that I did the emotional and affectionate turnaround when our first child was born that he thinks I did. Sure, I did stop expressing a lot, but maybe part of what he felt (feels) is that he wasn't getting all the attention/affection anymore (it was going to the new baby, and subsequently the other children). Therefore I shut everything off to him?
